How do you care for a formerly abusive parent when your only reason for living is to take care of him?

Oh please! You promised your mother, the person who allowed this abuse, to do hands on care for a mentally ill person? What part of "under duress" is not applicable here?

Your father is a troubled soul who deserves professional care and treatment.

Please arrange for him to get it. And if your therapist isn't helping you see this, I think you might seek out a second opinion.

The abuse occurred as a child. (Not that it makes it less monstrous) The reason I stick around is I promised my now deceased mother I would care for him. I am a person of my word. No matter the cost. (Yes. This will cost me my soul)
My siblings hate him to the point where they have not spoken to him in decades. (They were abused similarly or worse than what I received.)

He has burned all bridges everywhere because of his anger and mean nature. His recollection of history is delusional (I think by choice). He doesnt recall ever doing anything bad. He treats people now so nice. I tell folks he has fooled them and if they want him, they can have him.

Promising to 'take care' of someone does not mean you need to sacrifice your soul in the process; that is not the real meaning of 'care'. His life, certainly, is not worth more than yours.

Care giving comes in many forms. If I were you, I'd either use his money to get him into Assisted Living or, if he doesn't have sufficient funds to self pay for care, apply for Medicaid & have him placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility or somewhere similar. He will be cared for by qualified staff, and you will have fulfilled the promise you made to your mother.

Why allow him to ruin the rest of your life? He's ruined enough already, don't you think?

Best of luck!

Bronte, my sincere apologies for saying "oh please".

I am sorry that taking care of your abusive dad is your only reason for living.

Being an honorable person who keeps her/his promises is a great quality in a person and it SHOULD result in feelings of self-worth.

But that doesn't seem to be the case here, does it? Instead, you sound incredibly sad, focused on doing what's best for the abuser without regard to self-preservation.

If you become ill or worst of all if you destroy yourself in doing hands on care, where does that leave your dad? I think your promise to your mother is better kept by finding appropriate care for him. Without you as his advocate, he will really be up the creek.

I want to believe that you came here to get a different perspective because what you are doing isn't working well for you. That's what we try to do here.

I should have been kinder. Again, I'm sorry for my harshness.

There is no reason at all for you to look after your abuser. Surely your therapist has told you this?

Walk away and do not look back.

Edited to add: I saw a later post that you made a promise to your mother on her deathbed, to look after your father. A promise to care for someone does not have to mean providing hands on care. It can mean making sure they have the care they need. Dad can go into a nursing home with the level of care he needs. You will have fulfilled your promise to Mum, Dad is being cared for, without sacrificing your own life.

At 45 you are young. You should be working, getting your Master's degree, dating, thinking about a family of your own. 45 is not too old to continue your education. I started university when I was 49.

You have many reasons to live.

End of Edit

Emotional abuse is why I will never provide hands on care giving to either o my parents. There is nothing that would change my mind to have a parent live with me, or spend my days driving them to and from appointments etc. It took a long time and the last straw was only 5 years ago in my late 40's, but I grew a back bone and said no more. I see my parents on my terms only. Neither are allowed to cross the threshold of my home. I will not be abused in my own home.

Why is he with you now? Pack his property immediately, put him out and get an order of protection to prevent him from returning. If it's his house.... leave and never return!

If you can't see that this is not worth your soul, I don't think anyone can help you.

Sorry your mom was way out of line forcing a death bed promise to care for your abuser. Not okay, not ever.

Placing him in a facility is ensuring that he is cared for, you don't have to be hands on to keep your word.

I think that you need to find a therapist that can help you get away from the abuse and learn how to value your own life before you figure out how to take care of the person that broke you so monstrously and a promise extracted by the very person that didn't protect you from him. Did he beat her as well?

Oh by the way, it is worse when it is done to children, they can't fight back or just leave. It is what cowards do.

Bronte, the part of your question I'd like to dig into a little bit is the "when your only reason for living is to take care of him" bit.

Let's set aside the "is it a good idea for a person's primary caregiver to be someone he subjected to traumatic abuse in childhood" question because we aren't getting anywhere with that.

Instead, will you mind if I challenge the idea that there is NOTHING else to your life except your father's needs and your history with him? You describe other important things you have taken responsibility for, just for a start. You have been of value to other people. Your mother entrusted you with your father's care - one might wish she hadn't, but the point is that she had confidence in you.

Take your focus off your father just for a few minutes: what else is or has been important to you?

Put the abuse behind you by letting go of your obligation. Sounds like you put yourself beyond the limit of obligation.

My mom wasnt entirely innocent and you are correct in that. However, when you do not speak the english language and you have 3 toddlers. And are financially destitute, where do you go? She was a victim as well. She should have left him. I do not dispute that.
Your point is also well taken because that is the stance my sibling takes. She feels that mom should have protected us. However, things are not always as simple as they seem. When you delve deeper into the matter instead of just assuming, you start to realize, there are sometimes multiple sides to a story. Perspectives need to be looked at by all angles or all you get is a biased and distorted point of view.
Yes my dad needs help. When I was hospitalized for attempting suicide. They tried getting him to do family therapy. That did not work. He will never go again and as I stated he is delusional in that he remembers history differently than the rest of us.

As for your "oh please!" comment, whether you feel a promise is worth while. Is your opinion. To question a persons honor and sincerity without knowing them is kind of presumptuous. I have done some crap for people I severely disliked because it was the right thing to do. I have volunteered in places that were toxic, but because it helped children in need, I stayed. I am no saint, but I try to be honest and fair.

As for my therapist and psychiatrist, they said it might be a good idea to see a group therapy session to see what others do in difficult situations. I figured maybe asking online in an anonymous environment might give me insight without delving too far in.

As for my original question, I suppose you all have answered it.