Back story, my husband and I were high school sweethearts, married for 30 plus years now. My husband is youngest of 3 but his older brother passed in 2019. Shortly after his brother died, his Mother (74) was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and at the time was told it would take her quickly. By then Covid was in full swing and we only had 2 options. Place her in care facility and not be able visit her, or take on all of her care ourselves. Long story short, “OURSELVES” became “MYSELF” real fast. Because of COVID we had to limit her risk and my Husband was still working so I had no choice. In March of 2020, I took a leave of absence from my job, move out of my home, and stopped seeing my grandchildren to move in with and care for my MIL. (Side note my SIL who worked from home, lived alone, and was only 5 houses from her mom, decided this wasn’t her problem). By July 2020 Covid was slowing down and my MIL needed a second surgery to try to remove as much of the cancer as they could. Afterwords she would need 6 more months of chemotherapy. I couldn’t do it alone anymore, so she sold her house and moved her in to our home. I thought having my husband around would make things easier and it did for a little while. But both him and my MIL were uncomfortable with him helping her with things like dressing, bathing & Doctors appointments, so once again her care was left to me... fast forward to Feb 2021. She did it, she beat the odds and is now in remission. She isn’t the same as before this happened but she no longer needs the constant care, in fact now that I’m back to work, I believe she would benefit from being in a senior community where there would be someone around to check in on her. I believe I’ve done my part, the crisis is over and now it’s time to pass the torch back to her and her children. Only now they like it the way things are... and by “THEY” I mean all three of them. MY MIL is happy living with us, she has become comfortable with me being there to take care of her, (my issue is, why try to do things like cook or clean if you have someone else do it for you). My husband likes having his mom living with us, (she never asks anything of him so he doesn’t see what’s wrong with letting her stay). And his sister gets the best of both world (her mom is being care for and she gets to go on with life like nothing ever happened). I’m at that point where the only way things are going to change (and I need them to change) is if I stand my ground and force them to ... But how do I force my Husband & SIL to step up and do their part without making my MIL feel I’m rejecting her?
It is only up to you to decide what YOU will do.
You will never force anyone ELSE to care for someone. I would think that would be clear by now. People decide what "doing their part" consists of. I myself would never take on in home care of an elder. I know my limitations clearly enough to know that is no option for me. Apparently you SIL does as well. And your husband who works was happy enough to keep his job so he can get away from it all while YOU give your job up and become a full time caregiver. So everyone here is quite happy now. Your MIL, your hubby and your SIL are very happy indeed. Why would they change?
You will have now, if there is to be change, to explain that you are unwilling to continue as you have been, that you had utterly no idea how your sacrifice would be taken advantage of, and that you cannot continue on as things are. Will that be hurtful for them to hear? Sure it will. They can rage and rant and cry and do whatever they have to; it will be a shock for them all. But you are a human being with your own rights to your own life choices, just as they are.
We tell people who we are and what we are willing to do for them by what we DO do for them. They accept us at our word. They EXPECT it of us and will accept the sacrifice with very little thanks. You have told people what you are willing to do. Now they accept you will do it.
The way to change all this is to tell all that you are no longer willing to do this, and that MIL must go into what care is affordable to her, or accept support of Medicaid for placement. If they say no, tell them you will work out a way to move now into a small studio and resume working. Give them a three month timeline, tell them there will be no reminders. See a Lawyer and get ready to leave.
As I said, you cannot force others. You are in charge of your own life unless you choose to throw your life, like so much meat to the crocs. Trust me. They will gobble it right down.
Man, how it applies to so much of our lives.
Bravo.
You then suggest in front of everyone the only alternative you see is for MIL to move in with her daughter.
I would also have a couple places picked out for MIL to go look at.
Yoy might also line up a Vacation fir yourself only and let husband and daughter take cane of their mom for a week by themselves.
If you can't go on a vacation then at the meeting, you should let them know that you have stepped in and now that MIL is on to recovery, you feel it is now the daughter's turn to let mom live with her.
If none of the above works, stop doing everything!
Let husband and MIL's daughter do everything.
Daughter can come over to give her baths, change her clothes, take her to Dr's appointments, ect.
Mare sure you start staying later at work, past dinner time and eat a sandwich on the way home, letting husband know he'll have to fix himself and his mom dinner.
You deffiently have done your part.
It is time for someone else to take over.
Be strong and Do It For You.
Prayers.
They never stopped assuming, pushing & trying for that lady to be all the solutions, until she STOPPED being all the solutions. Then they were forced to find alternatives.
That story saved my sanity & showed me how to stand up for myself & start setting better boundaries. And how it could be done in a loving, honest & kind way. (Thank you Dorker 🤗).
The best bit was the daughter-in-law & MIL relationship stayed good til the very end.
You will need to call a family meeting. Explain that since you are back to work, you can not carry the care load you did before. Since mom is in remission and was used to living on her own, suggest
1 - Assisted living or senior apartment. Most places have dining rooms and housekeeping staff. She can benefit from the activities.
2 - Days with SIL, she can provide any care mom needs while you work. Your husband can help with the household chores and since you will not be home all day.
3 - Creating a mother-in-law "suite" or "apartment" in your home as much as possible, She would need to be able to do housekeeping and her own cooking. Discuss how much "help" mom needs and that everybody needs to provide some of the "help." Don't recommend this option if you are not willing to provide more care as your MIL ages and needs more help again.
Love is not torture. You’ve done your part and your MIL is healthier as a result. It’s time for her children to look after her.
I’m sort of feeling that this mom never trained them to care for others or be responsible or you took off being the caregiver because you care and is a super mom. Well stop now and take care of you now and get that meeting together with the family. Hope it works out
MIL could use some in-home therapy to get her up and moving around a little again instead of having others wait on her. Start with some small chores she can do. Start the conversation with, things are looking up. Need to keep you strong and moving around. We're going to come up with a list of things you can do around the house to help yourself and all of us. Therapy may help you address certain tasks. Remind her if she allows herself to get down, it may not be possible to stay in the home. She is used to your routine of doing for her. Next time, let her know if it's something she can do. Always tell her we have to keep you moving, so you should try to do that for yourself. Allow her to struggle somewhat before stepping in. The struggle is what keeps the body moving.
She has money from selling the house. If she won't consider a facility, then bring it to her. Use the money to hire house cleaner, aides to assist her while you/hubby at work. Use the money for SIL to hire people to help out when mom goes to her house. Use the money to get the care she needs.
How you tell your mother in Law is difficult, she probably feels she’s lost her home, nowhere to go.
But maybe suggest she needs to be around new people,
something close to you, or I between family members.
but still give time to her.
it’s difficult. Good luck. But there are organisations out there in the UK to help with support.
Of course I don't mean that you are rejecting *her* - but what you can and should very decidedly reject is a workload and a responsibility that quite simply are not yours. Nuts to it.
Stop resenting your SIL for her well-developed sense of self-preservation and instead take a slim leaf out of her book. MIL living with you and DH creates a heap of extra work, and - MUCH worse - is teaching MIL learned helplessness which is a terrible thing to do to self-respecting little old ladies.
You are RIGHT. Stick to your guns! MIL needs the stimulus and relative independence of that community you mentioned. Did you have one in mind? Does it send out brochures?
YES, you have and excellent job you have done!
"...the crisis is over and now it’s time to pass the torch back to her and her children. Only now they like it the way things are... and by “THEY” I mean all three of them."
Of course they do.
SIL gets her decision continued (not her problem).
Hubs has his mom close by. Hub's mom is getting excellent care, for free. Hubs doesn't have to do anything.
MIL is content. Her needs are being met. She has her son near by. She doesn't have to do anything.
Why on earth would any of THEM want to change that?!?!?!
"I’m at that point where the only way things are going to change (and I need them to change) is if I stand my ground and force them to ... But how do I force my Husband & SIL to step up and do their part without making my MIL feel I’m rejecting her?"
Honestly, we can't "force" others to do what they choose not to do. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean you can't stand your ground on this.
FWIW SIL made her decision before you began this lovely journey - not her job. I wouldn't waste my time trying to ask, convince, force, coerce or even bring up the subject with her. You KNOW what the answer will be.
MIL has also made her decision, when she told you "...she feels she should continue living with us and her children are content with the current status quo..."
The only one left is hubs, and he is "torn". You could and should have a good long discussion with him about what your preferences would be - moving MIL to senior housing. Perhaps have a list ready, of reasons this will be better for all:
1) MIL would get more care
2) MIL would get socialization
3) You can focus on your job
4) You won't be run down doing TWO jobs
5) Your marriage can be renewed
6) He won't have to take on as many extra chores.
She can live somewhere nearby. He can visit with her, take her out for fun or a meal, take her to appointments (uncomfortable why, he can sit in the waiting room), etc. It's not like she'd be going to Alcatraz!
MIL should NOT be part of the discussion between you two. You both have to find an acceptable resolution and then present that to her. IF you compromise because he says he will take on some chores and take over some care issues with her, beware! All too often people make these promises, then down the road, oops, have a late meeting honey, can you cover this for me? Oh, I have extra work load this week, can you tackle that for me? If he's not doing much to help now, I wouldn't count on it to continue, even if he does agree to take on a more active role in regular and mom chores.
Ideally would the the move, not sharing chores. Resumption of marriage and privacy. But, if he's willing, it can be tried, I just wouldn't count on it. Then you revisit the discussion, only it relates to the MOVE.
The last (and best?) solution IMO has been suggested. There is nothing quite like OJT! The chat might be tried first, BUT if no agreement is reached or he agrees to do more and quickly backslides (expected!), then YOU are going on strike! Find a place to stay, motel, hotel, at will rental, etc close to home/work, and stay there (close to home so you can pick up needed items, but try not to go there unless there is no other option.)
Start with 2 weeks. If no panic calls, extend your stay another 2 weeks. Continue with 2 week extensions, as needed.
Once hubs gets a GOOD taste on how hard it is to juggle working, doing all the home "chores" AND kowtowing to his mother, perhaps he will have an epiphany and better appreciation of YOU.
With you still there, covering all the MIL duty, of course he feels uncomfortable addressing changes with his mother. He would want peace at home with you, but also peace with mom. She will tell him no, she doesn't want to go and he's not going to stand up to her. If you find other lodgings and they have to go it alone, perhaps he will learn a thing or two.
PS. MIL is on the waiting list at the senior living center...
If that doesn't work go on strike and take a vacation leaving you husband with his mother for a week. It may take him doing the job to realize what you do for his mother (even though she needed more are after her surgery to recover.)
You seem very worried about everyone's feelings but your own.
Doesn't what YOU want and feel count too?
I assume that you enjoy your job and that your income is part of the family financial structure, i.e., saving for a comfortable retirement.
If you are out of the work force, how many more years will DH have to work before you retire? How many years will that take off his life?
Presumably, you go back to work after MIL passes and you ALSO have to work for more years.
Do you have free eldercare lined up for yourselves when YOU are in your 80s? Or will you be paying your (diminished) hard-earned dollars for assisted living?
When my mother started to decline, all 3 of us "kids" had mortgages, children and careers that couldn't be put on hold. Your MIL is extremely fortunate in that you were able to take time to pitch in for what was supposed to be a short term, emergency assignment.
The emergency is over. And from your other post, it sounds as though MIL is doing a bit of manipulation of her son, what with the shuffling and "I'm so weak".
Get brochures from local ALs. Go out to dinner with hubs and present them to him. Tell him that you are going back to work on (fill in the date) and that he and mom need to chose a facility.
I haven’t made time to go to the gym, the dentist, or even the eye doctor in over a year, I can’t remember the last time I made a meal based on what I wanted, and I can’t tell you how many times I found myself putting my stuff back on the shelf in order to buy something for someone else.
So I did it, I put ME back into my life...
I told my husband enough was enough and went back to working from the office, even on days I could have easily worked from home. A few days later I gave him the marketing packets of the 3 area senior communities and informed him they have until fall to find her a place or else (I had no idea what “or else” would be, but they don’t know that). And when Mother asked me to do something I thought she should be doing, I simply said “no, you should do it”.
Of course my actions did get some pushback, but I stood my ground and it’s working. My husband got his mom to fill out an application for housing (there is a waiting list but I can live with that). My MIL stopped talking to me for about a week, but even that had a plus side, (you can’t tell someone to do stuff if your not talking to them), and just yesterday I went to the store and picked up what I wanted for supper without consulting anyone!
I’m sure we still have several rough days ahead of us, but I’m so glad I found this site to help get me this far!!!
You'll see that it is the best thing for everyone including your MIL.
Don't pay any mind to your SIL's guilt-tripping of you and your husband. Believe me if she cared so much about her MIL she would have been helping with the care she needed all along. She didn't though. So she doesn't get a say.
I often say that families are all too generous with their advice and criticism of a family caregiver but none too generous with their help or even time.
You did the right thing and I'm happy for you that your husband is on board with his mom moving out.
You made the right choice. No one truly knows how it is unless they do it. I did it for far too long!
You know. You did it. You were kind and generous in her time of need but you are not responsible for the rest of her life.
I truly admire people who stand their ground. I was one who didn’t stand my ground and it all blew up in my face! I won’t bore you with the details but I was thrilled to see that you stopped doing the heavy lifting.
You’re a smart lady! You deserve respect and gratitude for your compassion because often caregiving can be a thankless job!