How do I share feelings with my wife on her providing care to her mom without her thinking I’m forcing her to choose between us?

Georud,
I am sorry if my own response was one you found "condescending". I will tell you that the extra information you gave us in your responses to us give a MUCH better picture of your situation. Told us that you are going to where your wife is, and helping her. Told us that actually you are WORRIED FOR YOUR WIFE, not for yourself. You initial question to us sounded about 100% the opposite from your second response after many of us answered you.
And I think your second response is lovely. You are going to where your wife is and you are supporting and helping and visiting her. I assume you are telling her what you just told US, that you are worried for her, that you fear she will burn out.
If you are visiting with and speaking with your wife in a manner that reflects your SECOND post to us, explaining all that happened and all you are doing to help and all your worries for your wife, then I think this woman is going to want to do all she can to get back to you as soon as she can.
So basically, sounds from your second response you are doing a lot. And it sounds you are really capable and certainly capable to discuss all this with your wife. I am certain she is torn. The person "in the middle" always is torn. I doubt you need our input as you sound communicative with your wife, and as though you are "there" for your wife and have time to communicate your fears for her.
Your wife is the one who has right now to make the decisions she can live with. Her Mom is likely dying, the slow way. You are a grown man, fully capable as you tell us, and can make it through this for some more months, for perhaps a year if that is what need be.
I understand how worried you are. I had to take over when my brother fell ill with Lewy's at 83. I wasn't a whole lot younger than him, and with a wonderful partner. And my bro was at the other end of the state. It took a lot out of me acting as his POA, the Trustee of his Estate, helping him move, helping him sell his last home and go into care, taking over all the bills. Without the help and understanding of my dear guy I have no idea how I ever could have lived through the two years until my beloved bro died. I will tell you I was very torn. I had been with my partner 35 years and we had a whole life together. But I had loved my dear brother for 76 years; he was likely the best man I ever knew; there were times I told myself I should be moving to So. Cal to be with him until he passed, if I were any kind of person at all. It would have meant leaving my partner at the other end of the state for whatever the duration was, and yeah, the stress would likely have killed ME. I understand how torn your wife is likely feeling.
My best out to you both. I hope it goes well. Maintain your willingness to be one your own, your willingness to visit and your willingness to help and your wife will TREASURE you all your days together even more than she does now.

Is part of the reason because her Mom has a dog or a cat that needs care and would die otherwise?
And, #2 - will the Rehab allow her to be there all day - or even at all because of Covid? When my Mom had her 20 days of Rehab I wasn't even allowed in the building because of Covid restrictions. Has she asked about that?

I would not be so concerned about a couple of weeks during rehab...although unless the mother had animals or something that needed to be dealt with, I'm not understanding the need to be there 24/7. Personally I would travel back and forth a couple of times...enough to be able to keep tabs on mother with the professionals and to visit.

I would be more worried about after the rehab. I can tell you my mother really is not able to go home and needs quite a bit of help. If the mother cannot financially afford to hire help to come in, is your wife thinking she is going to step in an handle all of it? Not unless she stays there and/or convinces you to move there. Is she thinking she will move mother in with you? If she needs that much help....from current experience....find an assisted living situation. My only concern with that is that your wife will think she needs to be there 24/7 doing the job as well.

Your wife is probably come to the sudden realization that her mother is elderly and she's thinking she can fix it. She can help, but you can't fix it. You have to step back, assess and take a very logical approach to providing appropriate care for someone. Some people can't separate as well....I might seem a little cold to some I've dealt with, but I am the only person available to take care of this, period. I can't fall down, get hysterical, lose focus...nothing...I don't have the luxury.

You need to have a sit down with wife and understand what she's thinking and be heard yourself. If she's thinking mother can come to your home....is it even feasibly set up (like the bathroom). Can you afford for her not to work to care for her mother etc etc.

I apologize for those comments that were absolutely condescending. Uncalled for. And frankly as a female....embarrassing. I understood your question and read between the lines as to what your future concerns might be.

Ask to be involved in an upcoming care meeting updates,so you know future plans, about how long rehab may be, how she is healing, PT progress. Maybe pick one day to spend at rehab with your mother in rehab to see for yourself and give your wife a day at home.

Then, discuss what you have seen, the doctors and therapist say.

That way she won't get defensive or anything, no matter how old you are, it's hard to face a mom's mortality. It's not selfish to miss your wife. But the situation may be easier to handle if you have a timeline and a plan. For example, if you know by spring, mom will be settled in AL, by end of summer, house will be cleaned and sold, and by fall, you and you wife are happily back at your home, and planning a vacation. She visits mom for a few hours 3 days a week, and brings her over for lunch on Sundays after church. Then you probably wouldn't feel so abandoned because there is an enddate.

If she's not going to be independent anymore, discuss if she thinks she can get mom to consider AL. Verify finances, consider how much work to sell home, if that is necessary. Make it clear what life needs to look like post rehab, if in home caregivers, that is expensive and hard to manage from a distance, especially right now with covid short staffing, and what if caregiver doesn't come in bc of covid exposure
Maybe you can do the research on facilities, which meet her needs near your home, or go back there for a week and do initial visits.

Your wife's mom is in rehab with her needs met. However, your wife feels the need to spend every waking moment with her as well as housesit for her?

This is excessive as it is.

Absolutely ask her what she thinks the next step with mom is. Does Mom go to an NH/AL? Is the plan to come home with aides? Is your wife intent on being one of these aides for however indefinite period?

If that won't work for your marriage, or if having mom with you wont work, this is the time to tell your wife it doesn't and what does.

They are not assumptions, they are based on your question.

You say we are condensending, yet you don't answer any questions except you are with your wife, supporting her and you can cook and clean.

Sorry, I can't wrap my head around you feeling like you get 0% when she comes home to you every night.

Maybe you would like to provide all the facts so people can answer based on what is really going on. Because your original question seems to be a bit misleading.

Were it me, and my spouse left to go 600 miles away to take care of one of his parents, I might very well feel the same way you do, if I'm going to be completely honest. I want to be with my spouse more than anyone else in the entire world, so I can understand your feelings.

And yes, I would feel very selfish. And guilty about it. But I would still feel what I felt. It's ok to feel your feelings.

I'm going to base my advice on the assumptions that: 1) MIL was living alone when this happened 2) your wife went to her mom *after* discussing her plans to travel to be with mom with you.

You might start with talking to your wife about the "exit strategy". That is: "so, honestly, hon, how is mom doing? What do the doctors think about her outlook? What is their recommendation AFTER rehab? By the way, just how long do you predict rehab will continue?" Questions like that.

Depending on her answers, you might not have to go any further. If your wife says "well, the doctors are recommending that she be admitted into a nursing home, because she will need 24/7 care, and I/we alone can't give that to her", that's the bulk of your answer. Your discussion might move to the logistics of making that move happen; whether wife will want to move her mom to a facility closer to you, etc. With your MIL being 90 years old, this should be the scenario you hope for, because as Alva said, unless she is a particularly uniquely healthy 90 year old, her days of being able to live on her own (assuming she was living on her own) are likely over.

If any part of the exit plan involves your wife moving closer to her mom, or moving her mom in with you, then you have the absolute right to tell your wife you're not happy or on board with that solution. Just as I would advise your wife, if the position was reversed, it's not selfish to expect to be number one in your spouse's life (after any children you might have are raised to independent adulthood). That's sort of the reason you get married. But if you don't express how you feel to your wife, and let the resentment fester...well, that's not healthy for any relationship. So at that point, you need to work with your wife as a team to find a solution that will work for ALL of you - because YOU matter in this scenario as well.

It could also be that your wife can't give you any sort of time frame right now, because she just doesn't know yet. If that's the case, then just a simple "well, as soon as you have any idea, please let me know, because I really miss you and wish you were here home with me." is not an outrageous - or selfish - comment to make to her.

Good luck! I hope you guys can get your MIL settled in a way that's safe for her, acceptable for your wife and gets her back home to you soon.

So, Georud, are these the early days of rehab, or is MIL a couple of weeks in?

You are getting comments to your question from women here. Hopefully a man will come along & leave you a comment which may not seem so 'condescending' to you, but that remains to be seen. Not whether a man will leave you a comment, but whether you'll consider it condescending or not.

So, you are with your wife who's traveled 600 miles to stay with her 90 y/o mother in rehab who's broken her hip, right? Rehab generally lasts 21 days, but it can last up to 100 days if mother needs more PT/OT and Medicare approves it. Is that what's happening in your MILs case? Why is your wife spending all day at the rehab? Is your MIL upset and in need of her daughter's attention all day long? That seems excessive, considering the woman needs PT and OT throughout the day. This bodes poorly of how your wife may react to her mother's needs AFTER rehab, to be honest with you.

Did you sit down and talk to your wife and tell her, hey, I don't want to sound selfish here but I miss you? I need your time too b/c I feel lonely w/o you? That must be what you're feeling b/c this hasn't anything to do with 'cooking & cleaning' so you're obviously missing HER and not her housekeeping! I think if you speak to her honestly about how you're feeling, she'll know you're not 'selfish' but genuinely wanting more of her time. Plus, you should talk to her about what comes next, after rehab? A 90 y/o with a broken hip is probably not going to recover to the point where she can live alone again, if that's what she was doing prior to breaking her hip. So what comes next? That can be an ugly subject, let me warn you, esp if your wife wants to move in with her; that tends to be a lifechanging experience for YOU and your marriage. If you want Assisted Living for your MIL, that can set your wife off on a tirade too. Approach the subject in a calm manner, that's my suggestion. If there's a house to be sold, that's another matter to talk about. The whole thing is a huge mess, in all honesty; I was faced with this very thing with TWO parents in 2014, so I know from where I speak.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything moving forward. The more supportive you can be for these women, and the more help you can give them, the better. I lean on my husband for a LOT with my folks, and I love him dearly for the support he gives me.

Thank you all for your responses. So many of them though are condescending and based on lots of assumptions. Perhaps I did not phrase my question properly, so I apologize. PS: I am with my wife, support her thoroughly, and know how to cook and clean for myself.

My guess is that you have read the many comments on this site about the difficulties of living with an elderly relative, and the need to put the spouse first. Your question sounds different from the norm, because of the timing.

How long has your wife been gone? Rehab doesn’t normally go on for weeks and months, and a man ought to be able to live alone for two or three weeks. Washing up is not a difficult skill to learn.

If your wife is planning to stay for an indefinite time after rehab, you both need to talk about long term plans. That’s a joint exercise, to make sure that your wife isn’t just hoping that Mother will go home and shortly be independent again.

However if there is a house to be packed up and sold, and a move to a facility, your wife could do with your help. Unfortunately it will probably write off whatever leave you have accrued, but that’s life.

Geo, welcome!

Rehab is short term. Like maybe 3 weeks.

Then yout MIL will be transitioning either to her home with hired help or to a facility.

We often recommend to adults "kids" that they travel to be "boots on the ground" during these transitional situations.

Is there an option, at the end of rehab, for MIL to transition to a long term care facility near where you live?

A stay in a rehab hospital for a broken hip isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things. I took my dad to a doctor's appointment and didn't come home for two months. Stuff happens, and my husband was very supportive. He brought me clothes, he came up every Sunday for dinner, and we talked most nights. When I got home after my dad died and I'd had to place my mom in a nursing home, he'd had the entire interior of the house painted and redone much of the kitchen -- two projects I had been dreading, because I hate having workers in my house and living with the disruption. I barely recognized the place.

As others have said, your wife has some big decisions to make (with her mom if Mom is competent), so it's a lot easier to do those things in person than remotely.

Be supportive, learn to cook and do laundry for yourself, and know that life doesn't always go quite as we expect. As we and our loved ones get older, it's less and less likely to go that way.

Please ask your question only one time.
How long does your wife intend to do this?
What are the long term repercussions to this serious injury to a 90 year old? Has she previously been independent at home, because it is unlikely she can return home even after rehab unless he is a very hale and hearty 90 year old.
You don't say when this happened. I can tell you right now that I would be doing exactly as your wife is doing for some period of time. I would go there, assess the home, assess how my Mom is doing, take part in her surgical recovery period and see what the plan is for long term recovery. There will likely be a rehab period of at least a month after hospitalization. I would be there during that month to assess how rehab is going, to work with social workers to see if Mom can return home or if she requires assisted living, and etc. If she DOES require placement there may be legal duties involved of closing up the home for some time at least.
There will be much to do. How about you see if you can get a leave and go to help them? I think being 8 hours away by car your wife will not be able to go home easily or readily.
I would concentrate on being very supportive and basically be down on my knees hoping that your wife isn't planning to move in with Mom permanently or to move mom in with you.
I think the fact you have come to us with this, and not to your wife may indicate that you two are not communicating really well, and I would be surprised if you told me that this difficulty with communicating is NEW. (Though I have been surprised before!).
Please touch bases with your wife daily, LISTEN to her, offer her your support, ask what you can do for her.
And no, those feelings that you clearly already suspect may be inappropriate, those feelings about your OWN needs? I would keep those REAL QUIET for now.
Best of luck. ask your question only once.

Please don’t approach this sounding like it’s you versus mom, you’ll lose. Maybe you already have if your wife isn’t open to any flexibility in her plans. Does this appear to be a long term plan for her and a short time during a crisis? If it’s for the long haul talk with her about this being unsustainable and too hard on her. She’s not a spring chick and to provide round the clock care is beyond difficult. She needs her own life, and if her mother was healthy she’d never want this for her daughter. See if you can work together to find a balance, perhaps visits every few weeks and staying connected to mom’s care by phone calls with rehab staff

How long has this been going on?

If it is within a couple of weeks, you are being selfish.

If it's been going of for several months, then you tell your wife that you miss her and love her and want to know what the plans are.

Have you gone to be with your wife? I would recommend that you give her a 100% in this trying time for her, because she probably feels stressed out and needs her man to give her something right now instead of saying he is getting 0%.

0% only happens when neither side is putting in any effort.

So, what have you done for her while she is helping her mom?

This is going to be tough on your marriage, since you don't seem to be supportive of her decision to do this. How long has she been there? What is her plan long term, if she's even been able to look that far ahead?

If it's short term, maybe you can go for a long weekend and then ask her to come home for a long weekend so you can spend some nice time together.

Do you dislike being home alone? Is there a lot of extra work dumped on you?

I guess you might try being patient too.