How do I share feelings with my wife on her providing care to her mom without her thinking I’m forcing her to choose between us?

My mother had a stroke which lasted 4 years until she passed away one year ago, of covid. my dad has also become very weak and depressed. although we hired someone to take care of him during the day, two of my siblings an myself have been taking one-week turns to stay with father.
when my mother passed away, my wife told me she was not going to support me "now with my father". afterwards she keeps either asking whether she or my dad are more important, or saying that she also needs me but I have to choose my priorities.
honestly, that hardly seems like love or support.
it just stresses me more.
I think the way to go is saying her that you love her and, although you miss her, you understand that nowadays her mom's needs take priority and that whatever she decides is ok with you, but that she can rely on you for support and advice if she asks for it.
please, please, please, do not give unsolicited advice

it is difficult but have you both share your side of it.
This is her mom, age 90, she is thinking about her mom being of the age of dying soon, she loves her, wants her to feel comfort and loved.
You and she have a life together, this is a big change. change can be hard. there is fear she may stay with mom for months and even a year. You feel abandoned.

Both sides are valid. Make sure you empathize with her, she is a care giver and that is emotional. She isn't choosing mom over you- she is in the position of being needed by two people, that is a no win. You will support her more by telling her you see how hard that position is. Realize what you want may need some sacrifice right now. Look into options for her, housing for her mom closer to you all, ways you maybe can be out there with her sometimes etc.

Women get into this position, they are a mom and wife, then a wife and parent-caretaker. They have to share their time and divide their time, and then rarely take time for themself.( Just sharing that so you see her side of it.)

You can only live one day at a time.

Why can't / don't you get an air b'n'b or rent a room closer to your wife/her mother for a few months. Rent out your home if necessary for a longer period or financial need.

As I asked below, why isn't her mother moved closer to your home?

What does selfish mean to you?
It appears you want to be included in your marriage, and your wife's life - ?
Does she want you near her / in communication / physically and emotionally?
Rather than look at this scenario as you appearing 'selfish,' you may need to ask your wife how she feels about you.

"If" this is a month in (this new situation as I read below), it is a good time to find out what your wife wants 'with you' to find some mutually win-wins. There are options if you BOTH want time together, including your wife being with her mother.

Realize your wife may have strong dependency issues (or perhaps GUILT) which would influence her current choices. Sounds to me that you need to have a heart-to-heart with your wife - by telling her how you feel about her (want to be with her) and see how she responds. If she isn't open to temporary shifts in logistics, this is your answer (she prefers her mom over you - which could be years in the making - as these feelings don't happen overnight (or so I believe). If your wife felt you as 'support' during this sad time for her, she would want you in closer proximity to her (again, this is my point of view).

I read a bit below about you being controlling. I don't see this at all although it would have helped if you explained / wrote how you feel about your relationship and your wife vs simply saying you want her home with you.

While I am not married, I believe there may be times where the give and take is unbalanced (if not often), i.e., 99-1 . . . 80-20. . . and so on. I believe this is the ebb and flow of relationships / marriages 'that work' - Best to tell her how you feel, i.e., "I miss you" ... "I want to be with you, too" ... "I want to support you"

Open your heart and see what she says. Your wife will burn out sooner than she realizes if she decides to maintain this regiment. That won't support either of you. I question the quality of your relationship over the last 5, 10, 15 ++ years. The quality you've created / built up now will reflect how you both decide to move through and forward. SPEAK UP. If you are the non-verbal type, this is the time to talk to your wife from your vulnerable, open heart. If you are the needy type, look inside and see how you can build yourself up.

Gena / Touch Matters

I think you are right in wanting your wife at home. My mom left my dad at home while she stayed with her mother at the nursing home. My dad suffered an injury while she was with her mother. He died 6 months later. My witch of a grandmother lived another 6 years with my mother dancing attendance on her. My mother ended up wondering why her children and grandchildren were distant with her.

Georud, what came of the meeting BIL had with staff?

Hope you are staying warm(ish).

Hugs, Georud. I paused to scroll down all the comments and updates, so I haven't any suggestions to add but only one observation which I hope you'll excuse.

You are dealing with a) multiple uncertainty and b) not having any particular contributory task assigned to you; and b) in particular, as I understand it, is pretty much guaranteed to drive chaps up the wall. Heartfelt sympathy to you and may there be more clarity for you and your wife very soon. Have you set any mental deadlines for steps in the process? - keep them flexible, and you might find the exercise a comfort.

Chiming in to relate. Last summer I felt the need to drop everything and run to my mom and stick by her side. A very emotional decision, but I just felt like I absolutely must. Not like I knew what was going to happen, but I promised my husband it would be 2 months, and I made this intention clear to my mom and family. This wasn’t any sort of calculation (I wasn’t even capable of thinking very rationally during this time), but defining my commitment this way ended up making it so much easier on everyone involved. My mother and sister knew to expect I’d be leaving, and when, and my husband knew I’d be returning, and when.

During the 2 months, I couldn’t see how I was going to leave my severely frail and super vulnerable mother, and it was an enormous emotional crisis full of anxiety attacks. But it did end up being just enough time to see her through rehab (with intermittent hospitalization), shop LTC facilities, and get her situated into a stable care environment. Don’t know how I could have done it without my husband. He came by periodically at first, helping with the errands of hotel life, then stayed with me when I really flipped out, and helped tour the care facilities. Reassured me multiple times that we would be okay if I needed to stay longer. He wasn’t able to tell me that I couldn’t stay indefinitely, my best friends couldn’t either - it took my mom’s MD at the SNF saying “you have to go live your own life” for me to believe it might be OK to leave her. Anyway, we did end up leaving around the 2 month mark. I can actually believe I’ve done my very best for my mom. She’s remarkably content, I’m confident she knows she’s loved, I’m so very grateful for having had so much time with her. And my husband and I are closer for having gone through this together.

Hope this doesn’t come across as some incredibly self-indulgent post, just thought it might help to know that however difficult your current experience, it can work out, and even work out quite well, considering.

Georud, it was a pity that your original post didn’t explain things too well, and a pity that a lot of people jumped to the worst possible conclusions. There seems to be a bit of it about at the moment! I hope that you can find something helpful in all the nasty stuff, and that things are improving for you, your wife and her mother. Best wishes, Margaret

Are you? What would you propose to HELP the situation?

georud: I do understand your frustration. My story was that my late mother was adamant about living alone in her own home seven states away from mine. With a whole host of ailments, when her blood pressure had a significant plunge, I had no other option but to move there as believe me, we tried to amend her elder living situation to no avail.

Your question brings back so many complex feelings for me. I’ll try not to overwhelm you. I was the sole caregiver for my Mother for many years after my Dad died in 2000. The 1st 14 years, Mom was independent (albeit she stopped driving in 2005), so mainly it was driving the 200 mile round trip once a week to take her to Dr’s visits, grocery shopping, etc. My sister visited on the weekends. My husband was working full time during the week & worked 12 hour shifts on the weekends. Some time during Mom’s decline, I left my job to assist in her increasing health needs. In 2014, Mom started to decline( multiple surgeries, fractured hip, etc) which required more time & assistance on my part(help from my siblings is a whole other level of stress).During the time she was ambulatory, I asked my Mother to please come & live with me or live with my Aunt(her sister)to help me with the time & distance. She refused & wanted to age in place. In order to make that happen, my husband & I had Mom take out a HELOC(home equity line of credit) to hire in home caregiver. During this difficult time of tremendous pressure, my husband was supportive, but it did caused a lot of stress, arguments, compromise, frustration, & crying on my part because I was trying to do my best while feeling pulled apart.
Long story short, we did our best to take care of our loved ones & I have no regrets, but in hindsight & if possible, have a conversation with your wife to move her Mother closer to your home to help alleviate the distance because the longer she lives, the more time & care she will need.

I don’t understand most of these answers at all. Usually this type of post generates replies that the family unit comes first, especially the husband. That the parent is important, but not as important as making sure that the marriage/husband/children are happy with the situation and doing well at home. I even see a lot of comments that the parent is old and has lived their life, so now it is time for the next generations.

So I hate to see this gentleman being attacked for a very valid question. He certainly has a right to wonder what happened to his wife and his life and if it is ever going to return to normal.

I think his wife is scared that she is going to lose her Mom, so she wants to be by her side always. Which is ok in the beginning, but will need a reality check after a week or so.

I love this site because it is so supportive, usually. Not so much lately though.

In order to keep a garden growing it must be nutured. That means spending time and effort on it.

If your wife wants to give you nothing what does that say about her commitment to the marriage?

Whoa, there. I think some people may have forgotten what this forum is supposed to be about. Jumping on the OP for "not supporting" his wife is a little unfair, especially because he has explained in great detail in his subsequent posts that he IS supporting his wife!

His fears about his wife being overwhelmed are very valid, as any number of people on this forum - who have been caught up in similar situations that his wife finds herself in - can attest to!

The number one tenet in a strong marriage is communication! I applaud Geo for trying to find a compassionate way to talk to his wife about his fears going forward. Having a wonderful husband, I would be DEVESTATED to find out my husband had hid any concerns he had about MY wellbeing, and MY possibility of burnout when we were caretaking my mom in fear that I might find him "selfish".

Not to mention the fact that when, in the past, wives have come here to ask advice about their husbands' time being spent with MIL's I have seen advice ranging from "seek marriage counseling" to "I would take the kids and head out on a vacation" and everything in between; but I have rarely seen a woman being accused of being "selfish" for seeking advice on how to approach her husband about it. It's really not fair - in fact, I'll even debate that it's a kind of reverse discrimination - to give the polar opposite advice to a husband, in essence telling him in effect "suck it up, buttercup" when we treat women with kids' gloves in almost the exact same situation.

Geo, I think you're doing the right thing all around; I hope your marriage is as strong as I suspect it might be, and that when all is said and done your wife conveys her appreciation for your concern for her well-being.

I think this is tough because your wife doesn't want to accept the fact her mother is old and getting near the end and wants to be guilt free but she is harming you in the process. If you love her and want to keep the marriage, I think all you can do is to explain all the factors involved in this situation - mother needs proper care better than daughter can provide without abandoning her, you need her too, etc. Try to get your wife to place the mother closer to you - not in your own home. If nothing works, you may just have to "wait it out" - and in the meantime do things that you enjoy doing - alone. You might find it is not the end of the world and then you can see where to go from there. I don't know what to say - except she passes soon and ???

Your wife is overwhelmed. She is trying to be a "good" daughter. You need to put on your big boy pants and be a man. Maybe you need to be there for her and give 100% to her for awhile. Instead of "What about me?".

Would you have been happier if your wife had put her mother in a nursing home? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and recognize what a hero you married.

This is a difficult time in your wife’s life and she is a wonderful daughter and friend to her mother.

—-And there are only a few times in life that you truly get to be Superman and that is now - for you. Don’t blow it.

If you treat her right, she may be a hero like this for you one day if you’re lucky.

If you treat her badly during this crisis that SHE (not you) is in, her feelings for you may lose intensity.

So…
Stop reading this and send them both flowers, instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Tell her how proud you are of her. Tell her she can stay as long as she needs and you love her even more for being the person she is.

Behave. Be worth being treated like this. Most people don’t have a wife like her.

I lived79 % at my dad's house and the rest at home for 5 years. My husband supported me because it was the right thing to do. Most people at 90% with a broken hip won't live much longer. Think how resentful your wife would be if something happened to her mother because she gave in to you. I just read some of the comments, and I see no reason why the BIL can't share with care. A friend of mine and her siblings take turns sitting with Mom.
Work out a compromise. Your wife would support you if the tables were turned I have a feeeling. Don't know how else to answer that. Tell her how you feel, but also tell her you support her, and that you need to talk and find a happy medium. This is a tough time of life, but will pass so quickly.

Georud, interesting update. Didn't realize there was another family member who is POA.

I strongly suspect that, despite what you were told yesterday by the case manager, BIL may be facing the news of imminent discharge.

It sounds as though she is very much in need of LTC, i.e., skilled nursing.

I don't think there is a simple answer here. One thing I believe I understand is that your MIL is to weak to participate in Rehab. This happened with my Dad at one time before his passing. He had dementia and had been hospitalized. The hospital discharged him to Rehab. I live across the country but went to visit. When I walked in, I immediately could see that he was very dehydrated--he was very weak and his arms were wrapped because his skin was "weeping". I mentioned to the staff that they needed to make sure he was hydrating because he was too weak and disoriented to get his water and drink it by himself. I even wrote on the board in back of his bed "Force Hydration". The staff told me that it was not their job to provide medical care, just rehabilitative services. He did not actively participate in the rehab. I stayed several days or a week, and the day I left, he had a seizure and had to be placed back in the hospital. The doctor he seized due to severe dehydration. We had family there, including my mother, but they were not able to recognize the situation, or maybe did not feel it was their job to demand better care. Personally, I would have sued if my family was not so anti-litigious and would have disagreed. In any case, my point is that Rehab may not be the right place for her. She may belong in a nursing home. Another point is that people really, really need family to be proactive when a loved one is in a facility. So, maybe you could spend time there and help your wife so she would not burn out or become exhausted. If I were retired and did not have financial or family commitments at home, that is what I would do. However, I recognize everyone has their own situation and there may be other issues that prevent you from doing this.

Are you retired? If so, could you consider moving to where your wife is living? Without details on the over all health of your MIL, it's hard to say but this may be short term. Consider that lots of couples, while still happy, enjoy their "alone" time. This is of course "alone" time to the extreme, but many of us have been alone for years, some decades. If you and your wife are happily married, try to see her situation from the outside looking in. Discuss what the plans may be when the MIL leaves the rehab facility. Would the MIL be willing to relocate to your town? Senior living or AL? Its hard to respond without knowing some answers before suggestions are made. How long has this been going on. I have been alone now for 15 years. I take care of my house, inside and out, on 11 acres. Have a tractor and equipment to keep the property up and honestly I do better in that area. Meals? What ever I want and what ever my health/weight tells me I can and can not have, as well as my dog. Hope you understand but there is a lot of "me, me" in your question. Some introspection might even give you some answers. This is not an ideal situation not only for you but your wife and certainly your MIL who is dealing with age and health issues.

I went through a huge ordeal with my parents a few years ago, dad died and mom just could not cope alone. I was back and forth to NC from my home, a seven hour drive. She wasn’t eating properly, bathing, hooked on opioids from her Dr feel good. Mom fell, knocked out her teeth, was anemic, blood transfusion, hospital stay, rehab, etc. It was very stressful. At home we have a farm with horses and other animals and it’s hard to just up and leave without lots of help and planning. I was gone for weeks at a time to help my mother because she had no one else. My husband was hugely supportive and understanding. If he had said to me during this ordeal that he needed me to give him more of my time I would have lost my mind. This is not a permanent situation, it will pass and you will get your wife back. And how is it that you can discuss the situation with strangers on the internet and not your actual wife? Sorry but your post just makes me roll my eyes a little. I appreciate my husband so much more after reading this, and I already appreciate him a lot.

Sounds like you came here for support and didn't get a lot; the more you added to your first post, the more empathetic I got. My sister and I are dealing with my mom's needs since my dad died 18 months ago from COVID before there was a vax. I work 6-7 days a week already, travel 6 hours round trip to see her Sundays, handle her finances...I have never done anything so hard. Your wife needs all the support and love you can give her--which t sounds like you're doing. Please don't make things harder for her. Be a shoulder and an ear...

I suggest you investigate assisted living facilities close to your home -- cost, ratings, etc., -- and even visit a few so you can offer your wife an alternative to her spending so much time so far away.

Start with a lot of "I" messages - "I really miss you", "I really enjoy when you are here so we can...", "I appreciate how much you care for your mom, but we need to assess how long we can go on this way"...

It might be wise to go visit and make sure that you and your wife talk to social services and whoever is managing her care plan. Tell them you want to discuss your MIL's care. It is possible for MIL to be transferred to a rehab facility that is nearby you so your wife can be home with you more often.

It might also be a good idea to have a housecleaning service lined to clean your MIL's home on a monthly basis if your MIL moves closer to you.

If you're feeling that you only get 0% right now, you may not have the words to tell her this yet. And, more importantly - you say you don't want her to think you are forcing her to choose between the two of you - but - are you?

Trust me when I tell you, if you were in a rehab (often drugged, put in diapers, at the mercy of someone who may not be the ideal rehab employee to help you get to the bathroom when you need to go...and bell not answered for 30 or more minutes) you would definitely want her to be with you every day at the rehab. I saw some terrible treatment WHILE watching my parent and thankfully I could speak up on her behalf. Rehab is temporary - Medicare pays for up to 120 days, I believe it is.

If you want to have a discussion with your wife, start coming up with ideas to help her. She's probably already quite torn in having to be so far away. At this very moment, she feels she has to give mom 100% of face time and probably felt secure enough in her relationship with you to do that for her mother. Don't pile the guilt on her now. Someday, it might be your mom and if you aren't the caregiver type, your wife may step up to the plate for you. Try to think further ahead than your being alone at this moment.

Topics would be - when mom is released: If she cannot return home without 24 hr care, would she like you to start looking for a facility near your home? You could be collecting information, going in to take a look at facilities, and reading reviews on those nearest your home. If there is an option of bringing mom to your home, perhaps offer to start setting up a room and getting things prepared.
Think of things to help your wife and that should prevent her thinking you are being the selfish one. The last thing she needs on her plate right now is guilt.

Georud, that is truly outstanding news! Good job!

Georud, I want to emphasize the importance of what Lealonnie said in her most recent post below. If MIL says "too tired" or "too weak" she will be disqualified from rehab shortly.

It is imperative that your wife know this NOW because there is often less than 24 hours notice that her mom is being discharged.

I understand that encouraging her mother to eat is important, but she needs to decide whether mom is going--home with the level of care recommended, a ltc facility in NJ or SC. She should also know that getting someone into a ltc facility is MUCH easier to do from a facility. If she goes "home" you are looking at long waiting lists.

Your wife really needs to be talking to the therapists about how long Medicare is going to pay for rehab.

Georud, from what you've seen, is your MIL actually participating in therapy?

When my mom broke her hip about a month after she had a stroke, I went to rehab at the beginning to meet the PT, OT and speech therapist who were working with her in therapy, so I could make sure they were happening and so I could reinforce their efforts when I visited.

I would not go every day after that because my mom was in therapy for many of those hours.

What does your wife do at the rehab all day?

Might you suggest that her time could be better spent investigating good ALs, either in NJ or in your state where MIL will reside after rehab?