How do I share feelings with my wife on her providing care to her mom without her thinking I’m forcing her to choose between us?

This is going to be tough on your marriage, since you don't seem to be supportive of her decision to do this. How long has she been there? What is her plan long term, if she's even been able to look that far ahead?

If it's short term, maybe you can go for a long weekend and then ask her to come home for a long weekend so you can spend some nice time together.

Do you dislike being home alone? Is there a lot of extra work dumped on you?

I guess you might try being patient too.

How long has this been going on?

If it is within a couple of weeks, you are being selfish.

If it's been going of for several months, then you tell your wife that you miss her and love her and want to know what the plans are.

Have you gone to be with your wife? I would recommend that you give her a 100% in this trying time for her, because she probably feels stressed out and needs her man to give her something right now instead of saying he is getting 0%.

0% only happens when neither side is putting in any effort.

So, what have you done for her while she is helping her mom?

Please don’t approach this sounding like it’s you versus mom, you’ll lose. Maybe you already have if your wife isn’t open to any flexibility in her plans. Does this appear to be a long term plan for her and a short time during a crisis? If it’s for the long haul talk with her about this being unsustainable and too hard on her. She’s not a spring chick and to provide round the clock care is beyond difficult. She needs her own life, and if her mother was healthy she’d never want this for her daughter. See if you can work together to find a balance, perhaps visits every few weeks and staying connected to mom’s care by phone calls with rehab staff

Please ask your question only one time.
How long does your wife intend to do this?
What are the long term repercussions to this serious injury to a 90 year old? Has she previously been independent at home, because it is unlikely she can return home even after rehab unless he is a very hale and hearty 90 year old.
You don't say when this happened. I can tell you right now that I would be doing exactly as your wife is doing for some period of time. I would go there, assess the home, assess how my Mom is doing, take part in her surgical recovery period and see what the plan is for long term recovery. There will likely be a rehab period of at least a month after hospitalization. I would be there during that month to assess how rehab is going, to work with social workers to see if Mom can return home or if she requires assisted living, and etc. If she DOES require placement there may be legal duties involved of closing up the home for some time at least.
There will be much to do. How about you see if you can get a leave and go to help them? I think being 8 hours away by car your wife will not be able to go home easily or readily.
I would concentrate on being very supportive and basically be down on my knees hoping that your wife isn't planning to move in with Mom permanently or to move mom in with you.
I think the fact you have come to us with this, and not to your wife may indicate that you two are not communicating really well, and I would be surprised if you told me that this difficulty with communicating is NEW. (Though I have been surprised before!).
Please touch bases with your wife daily, LISTEN to her, offer her your support, ask what you can do for her.
And no, those feelings that you clearly already suspect may be inappropriate, those feelings about your OWN needs? I would keep those REAL QUIET for now.
Best of luck. ask your question only once.

A stay in a rehab hospital for a broken hip isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things. I took my dad to a doctor's appointment and didn't come home for two months. Stuff happens, and my husband was very supportive. He brought me clothes, he came up every Sunday for dinner, and we talked most nights. When I got home after my dad died and I'd had to place my mom in a nursing home, he'd had the entire interior of the house painted and redone much of the kitchen -- two projects I had been dreading, because I hate having workers in my house and living with the disruption. I barely recognized the place.

As others have said, your wife has some big decisions to make (with her mom if Mom is competent), so it's a lot easier to do those things in person than remotely.

Be supportive, learn to cook and do laundry for yourself, and know that life doesn't always go quite as we expect. As we and our loved ones get older, it's less and less likely to go that way.

Geo, welcome!

Rehab is short term. Like maybe 3 weeks.

Then yout MIL will be transitioning either to her home with hired help or to a facility.

We often recommend to adults "kids" that they travel to be "boots on the ground" during these transitional situations.

Is there an option, at the end of rehab, for MIL to transition to a long term care facility near where you live?

My guess is that you have read the many comments on this site about the difficulties of living with an elderly relative, and the need to put the spouse first. Your question sounds different from the norm, because of the timing.

How long has your wife been gone? Rehab doesn’t normally go on for weeks and months, and a man ought to be able to live alone for two or three weeks. Washing up is not a difficult skill to learn.

If your wife is planning to stay for an indefinite time after rehab, you both need to talk about long term plans. That’s a joint exercise, to make sure that your wife isn’t just hoping that Mother will go home and shortly be independent again.

However if there is a house to be packed up and sold, and a move to a facility, your wife could do with your help. Unfortunately it will probably write off whatever leave you have accrued, but that’s life.

Thank you all for your responses. So many of them though are condescending and based on lots of assumptions. Perhaps I did not phrase my question properly, so I apologize. PS: I am with my wife, support her thoroughly, and know how to cook and clean for myself.

You are getting comments to your question from women here. Hopefully a man will come along & leave you a comment which may not seem so 'condescending' to you, but that remains to be seen. Not whether a man will leave you a comment, but whether you'll consider it condescending or not.

So, you are with your wife who's traveled 600 miles to stay with her 90 y/o mother in rehab who's broken her hip, right? Rehab generally lasts 21 days, but it can last up to 100 days if mother needs more PT/OT and Medicare approves it. Is that what's happening in your MILs case? Why is your wife spending all day at the rehab? Is your MIL upset and in need of her daughter's attention all day long? That seems excessive, considering the woman needs PT and OT throughout the day. This bodes poorly of how your wife may react to her mother's needs AFTER rehab, to be honest with you.

Did you sit down and talk to your wife and tell her, hey, I don't want to sound selfish here but I miss you? I need your time too b/c I feel lonely w/o you? That must be what you're feeling b/c this hasn't anything to do with 'cooking & cleaning' so you're obviously missing HER and not her housekeeping! I think if you speak to her honestly about how you're feeling, she'll know you're not 'selfish' but genuinely wanting more of her time. Plus, you should talk to her about what comes next, after rehab? A 90 y/o with a broken hip is probably not going to recover to the point where she can live alone again, if that's what she was doing prior to breaking her hip. So what comes next? That can be an ugly subject, let me warn you, esp if your wife wants to move in with her; that tends to be a lifechanging experience for YOU and your marriage. If you want Assisted Living for your MIL, that can set your wife off on a tirade too. Approach the subject in a calm manner, that's my suggestion. If there's a house to be sold, that's another matter to talk about. The whole thing is a huge mess, in all honesty; I was faced with this very thing with TWO parents in 2014, so I know from where I speak.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything moving forward. The more supportive you can be for these women, and the more help you can give them, the better. I lean on my husband for a LOT with my folks, and I love him dearly for the support he gives me.

So, Georud, are these the early days of rehab, or is MIL a couple of weeks in?

Were it me, and my spouse left to go 600 miles away to take care of one of his parents, I might very well feel the same way you do, if I'm going to be completely honest. I want to be with my spouse more than anyone else in the entire world, so I can understand your feelings.

And yes, I would feel very selfish. And guilty about it. But I would still feel what I felt. It's ok to feel your feelings.

I'm going to base my advice on the assumptions that: 1) MIL was living alone when this happened 2) your wife went to her mom *after* discussing her plans to travel to be with mom with you.

You might start with talking to your wife about the "exit strategy". That is: "so, honestly, hon, how is mom doing? What do the doctors think about her outlook? What is their recommendation AFTER rehab? By the way, just how long do you predict rehab will continue?" Questions like that.

Depending on her answers, you might not have to go any further. If your wife says "well, the doctors are recommending that she be admitted into a nursing home, because she will need 24/7 care, and I/we alone can't give that to her", that's the bulk of your answer. Your discussion might move to the logistics of making that move happen; whether wife will want to move her mom to a facility closer to you, etc. With your MIL being 90 years old, this should be the scenario you hope for, because as Alva said, unless she is a particularly uniquely healthy 90 year old, her days of being able to live on her own (assuming she was living on her own) are likely over.

If any part of the exit plan involves your wife moving closer to her mom, or moving her mom in with you, then you have the absolute right to tell your wife you're not happy or on board with that solution. Just as I would advise your wife, if the position was reversed, it's not selfish to expect to be number one in your spouse's life (after any children you might have are raised to independent adulthood). That's sort of the reason you get married. But if you don't express how you feel to your wife, and let the resentment fester...well, that's not healthy for any relationship. So at that point, you need to work with your wife as a team to find a solution that will work for ALL of you - because YOU matter in this scenario as well.

It could also be that your wife can't give you any sort of time frame right now, because she just doesn't know yet. If that's the case, then just a simple "well, as soon as you have any idea, please let me know, because I really miss you and wish you were here home with me." is not an outrageous - or selfish - comment to make to her.

Good luck! I hope you guys can get your MIL settled in a way that's safe for her, acceptable for your wife and gets her back home to you soon.

They are not assumptions, they are based on your question.

You say we are condensending, yet you don't answer any questions except you are with your wife, supporting her and you can cook and clean.

Sorry, I can't wrap my head around you feeling like you get 0% when she comes home to you every night.

Maybe you would like to provide all the facts so people can answer based on what is really going on. Because your original question seems to be a bit misleading.

Your wife's mom is in rehab with her needs met. However, your wife feels the need to spend every waking moment with her as well as housesit for her?

This is excessive as it is.

Absolutely ask her what she thinks the next step with mom is. Does Mom go to an NH/AL? Is the plan to come home with aides? Is your wife intent on being one of these aides for however indefinite period?

If that won't work for your marriage, or if having mom with you wont work, this is the time to tell your wife it doesn't and what does.

Ask to be involved in an upcoming care meeting updates,so you know future plans, about how long rehab may be, how she is healing, PT progress. Maybe pick one day to spend at rehab with your mother in rehab to see for yourself and give your wife a day at home.

Then, discuss what you have seen, the doctors and therapist say.

That way she won't get defensive or anything, no matter how old you are, it's hard to face a mom's mortality. It's not selfish to miss your wife. But the situation may be easier to handle if you have a timeline and a plan. For example, if you know by spring, mom will be settled in AL, by end of summer, house will be cleaned and sold, and by fall, you and you wife are happily back at your home, and planning a vacation. She visits mom for a few hours 3 days a week, and brings her over for lunch on Sundays after church. Then you probably wouldn't feel so abandoned because there is an enddate.

If she's not going to be independent anymore, discuss if she thinks she can get mom to consider AL. Verify finances, consider how much work to sell home, if that is necessary. Make it clear what life needs to look like post rehab, if in home caregivers, that is expensive and hard to manage from a distance, especially right now with covid short staffing, and what if caregiver doesn't come in bc of covid exposure
Maybe you can do the research on facilities, which meet her needs near your home, or go back there for a week and do initial visits.

I would not be so concerned about a couple of weeks during rehab...although unless the mother had animals or something that needed to be dealt with, I'm not understanding the need to be there 24/7. Personally I would travel back and forth a couple of times...enough to be able to keep tabs on mother with the professionals and to visit.

I would be more worried about after the rehab. I can tell you my mother really is not able to go home and needs quite a bit of help. If the mother cannot financially afford to hire help to come in, is your wife thinking she is going to step in an handle all of it? Not unless she stays there and/or convinces you to move there. Is she thinking she will move mother in with you? If she needs that much help....from current experience....find an assisted living situation. My only concern with that is that your wife will think she needs to be there 24/7 doing the job as well.

Your wife is probably come to the sudden realization that her mother is elderly and she's thinking she can fix it. She can help, but you can't fix it. You have to step back, assess and take a very logical approach to providing appropriate care for someone. Some people can't separate as well....I might seem a little cold to some I've dealt with, but I am the only person available to take care of this, period. I can't fall down, get hysterical, lose focus...nothing...I don't have the luxury.

You need to have a sit down with wife and understand what she's thinking and be heard yourself. If she's thinking mother can come to your home....is it even feasibly set up (like the bathroom). Can you afford for her not to work to care for her mother etc etc.

I apologize for those comments that were absolutely condescending. Uncalled for. And frankly as a female....embarrassing. I understood your question and read between the lines as to what your future concerns might be.

Is part of the reason because her Mom has a dog or a cat that needs care and would die otherwise?
And, #2 - will the Rehab allow her to be there all day - or even at all because of Covid? When my Mom had her 20 days of Rehab I wasn't even allowed in the building because of Covid restrictions. Has she asked about that?

Georud,
I am sorry if my own response was one you found "condescending". I will tell you that the extra information you gave us in your responses to us give a MUCH better picture of your situation. Told us that you are going to where your wife is, and helping her. Told us that actually you are WORRIED FOR YOUR WIFE, not for yourself. You initial question to us sounded about 100% the opposite from your second response after many of us answered you.
And I think your second response is lovely. You are going to where your wife is and you are supporting and helping and visiting her. I assume you are telling her what you just told US, that you are worried for her, that you fear she will burn out.
If you are visiting with and speaking with your wife in a manner that reflects your SECOND post to us, explaining all that happened and all you are doing to help and all your worries for your wife, then I think this woman is going to want to do all she can to get back to you as soon as she can.
So basically, sounds from your second response you are doing a lot. And it sounds you are really capable and certainly capable to discuss all this with your wife. I am certain she is torn. The person "in the middle" always is torn. I doubt you need our input as you sound communicative with your wife, and as though you are "there" for your wife and have time to communicate your fears for her.
Your wife is the one who has right now to make the decisions she can live with. Her Mom is likely dying, the slow way. You are a grown man, fully capable as you tell us, and can make it through this for some more months, for perhaps a year if that is what need be.
I understand how worried you are. I had to take over when my brother fell ill with Lewy's at 83. I wasn't a whole lot younger than him, and with a wonderful partner. And my bro was at the other end of the state. It took a lot out of me acting as his POA, the Trustee of his Estate, helping him move, helping him sell his last home and go into care, taking over all the bills. Without the help and understanding of my dear guy I have no idea how I ever could have lived through the two years until my beloved bro died. I will tell you I was very torn. I had been with my partner 35 years and we had a whole life together. But I had loved my dear brother for 76 years; he was likely the best man I ever knew; there were times I told myself I should be moving to So. Cal to be with him until he passed, if I were any kind of person at all. It would have meant leaving my partner at the other end of the state for whatever the duration was, and yeah, the stress would likely have killed ME. I understand how torn your wife is likely feeling.
My best out to you both. I hope it goes well. Maintain your willingness to be one your own, your willingness to visit and your willingness to help and your wife will TREASURE you all your days together even more than she does now.

Georud, from what you've seen, is your MIL actually participating in therapy?

When my mom broke her hip about a month after she had a stroke, I went to rehab at the beginning to meet the PT, OT and speech therapist who were working with her in therapy, so I could make sure they were happening and so I could reinforce their efforts when I visited.

I would not go every day after that because my mom was in therapy for many of those hours.

What does your wife do at the rehab all day?

Might you suggest that her time could be better spent investigating good ALs, either in NJ or in your state where MIL will reside after rehab?

Georud, I want to emphasize the importance of what Lealonnie said in her most recent post below. If MIL says "too tired" or "too weak" she will be disqualified from rehab shortly.

It is imperative that your wife know this NOW because there is often less than 24 hours notice that her mom is being discharged.

I understand that encouraging her mother to eat is important, but she needs to decide whether mom is going--home with the level of care recommended, a ltc facility in NJ or SC. She should also know that getting someone into a ltc facility is MUCH easier to do from a facility. If she goes "home" you are looking at long waiting lists.

Your wife really needs to be talking to the therapists about how long Medicare is going to pay for rehab.

Georud, that is truly outstanding news! Good job!

If you're feeling that you only get 0% right now, you may not have the words to tell her this yet. And, more importantly - you say you don't want her to think you are forcing her to choose between the two of you - but - are you?

Trust me when I tell you, if you were in a rehab (often drugged, put in diapers, at the mercy of someone who may not be the ideal rehab employee to help you get to the bathroom when you need to go...and bell not answered for 30 or more minutes) you would definitely want her to be with you every day at the rehab. I saw some terrible treatment WHILE watching my parent and thankfully I could speak up on her behalf. Rehab is temporary - Medicare pays for up to 120 days, I believe it is.

If you want to have a discussion with your wife, start coming up with ideas to help her. She's probably already quite torn in having to be so far away. At this very moment, she feels she has to give mom 100% of face time and probably felt secure enough in her relationship with you to do that for her mother. Don't pile the guilt on her now. Someday, it might be your mom and if you aren't the caregiver type, your wife may step up to the plate for you. Try to think further ahead than your being alone at this moment.

Topics would be - when mom is released: If she cannot return home without 24 hr care, would she like you to start looking for a facility near your home? You could be collecting information, going in to take a look at facilities, and reading reviews on those nearest your home. If there is an option of bringing mom to your home, perhaps offer to start setting up a room and getting things prepared.
Think of things to help your wife and that should prevent her thinking you are being the selfish one. The last thing she needs on her plate right now is guilt.

Start with a lot of "I" messages - "I really miss you", "I really enjoy when you are here so we can...", "I appreciate how much you care for your mom, but we need to assess how long we can go on this way"...

It might be wise to go visit and make sure that you and your wife talk to social services and whoever is managing her care plan. Tell them you want to discuss your MIL's care. It is possible for MIL to be transferred to a rehab facility that is nearby you so your wife can be home with you more often.

It might also be a good idea to have a housecleaning service lined to clean your MIL's home on a monthly basis if your MIL moves closer to you.

I suggest you investigate assisted living facilities close to your home -- cost, ratings, etc., -- and even visit a few so you can offer your wife an alternative to her spending so much time so far away.

Sounds like you came here for support and didn't get a lot; the more you added to your first post, the more empathetic I got. My sister and I are dealing with my mom's needs since my dad died 18 months ago from COVID before there was a vax. I work 6-7 days a week already, travel 6 hours round trip to see her Sundays, handle her finances...I have never done anything so hard. Your wife needs all the support and love you can give her--which t sounds like you're doing. Please don't make things harder for her. Be a shoulder and an ear...

I went through a huge ordeal with my parents a few years ago, dad died and mom just could not cope alone. I was back and forth to NC from my home, a seven hour drive. She wasn’t eating properly, bathing, hooked on opioids from her Dr feel good. Mom fell, knocked out her teeth, was anemic, blood transfusion, hospital stay, rehab, etc. It was very stressful. At home we have a farm with horses and other animals and it’s hard to just up and leave without lots of help and planning. I was gone for weeks at a time to help my mother because she had no one else. My husband was hugely supportive and understanding. If he had said to me during this ordeal that he needed me to give him more of my time I would have lost my mind. This is not a permanent situation, it will pass and you will get your wife back. And how is it that you can discuss the situation with strangers on the internet and not your actual wife? Sorry but your post just makes me roll my eyes a little. I appreciate my husband so much more after reading this, and I already appreciate him a lot.

Are you retired? If so, could you consider moving to where your wife is living? Without details on the over all health of your MIL, it's hard to say but this may be short term. Consider that lots of couples, while still happy, enjoy their "alone" time. This is of course "alone" time to the extreme, but many of us have been alone for years, some decades. If you and your wife are happily married, try to see her situation from the outside looking in. Discuss what the plans may be when the MIL leaves the rehab facility. Would the MIL be willing to relocate to your town? Senior living or AL? Its hard to respond without knowing some answers before suggestions are made. How long has this been going on. I have been alone now for 15 years. I take care of my house, inside and out, on 11 acres. Have a tractor and equipment to keep the property up and honestly I do better in that area. Meals? What ever I want and what ever my health/weight tells me I can and can not have, as well as my dog. Hope you understand but there is a lot of "me, me" in your question. Some introspection might even give you some answers. This is not an ideal situation not only for you but your wife and certainly your MIL who is dealing with age and health issues.

I don't think there is a simple answer here. One thing I believe I understand is that your MIL is to weak to participate in Rehab. This happened with my Dad at one time before his passing. He had dementia and had been hospitalized. The hospital discharged him to Rehab. I live across the country but went to visit. When I walked in, I immediately could see that he was very dehydrated--he was very weak and his arms were wrapped because his skin was "weeping". I mentioned to the staff that they needed to make sure he was hydrating because he was too weak and disoriented to get his water and drink it by himself. I even wrote on the board in back of his bed "Force Hydration". The staff told me that it was not their job to provide medical care, just rehabilitative services. He did not actively participate in the rehab. I stayed several days or a week, and the day I left, he had a seizure and had to be placed back in the hospital. The doctor he seized due to severe dehydration. We had family there, including my mother, but they were not able to recognize the situation, or maybe did not feel it was their job to demand better care. Personally, I would have sued if my family was not so anti-litigious and would have disagreed. In any case, my point is that Rehab may not be the right place for her. She may belong in a nursing home. Another point is that people really, really need family to be proactive when a loved one is in a facility. So, maybe you could spend time there and help your wife so she would not burn out or become exhausted. If I were retired and did not have financial or family commitments at home, that is what I would do. However, I recognize everyone has their own situation and there may be other issues that prevent you from doing this.

Georud, interesting update. Didn't realize there was another family member who is POA.

I strongly suspect that, despite what you were told yesterday by the case manager, BIL may be facing the news of imminent discharge.

It sounds as though she is very much in need of LTC, i.e., skilled nursing.

I lived79 % at my dad's house and the rest at home for 5 years. My husband supported me because it was the right thing to do. Most people at 90% with a broken hip won't live much longer. Think how resentful your wife would be if something happened to her mother because she gave in to you. I just read some of the comments, and I see no reason why the BIL can't share with care. A friend of mine and her siblings take turns sitting with Mom.
Work out a compromise. Your wife would support you if the tables were turned I have a feeeling. Don't know how else to answer that. Tell her how you feel, but also tell her you support her, and that you need to talk and find a happy medium. This is a tough time of life, but will pass so quickly.

Would you have been happier if your wife had put her mother in a nursing home? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and recognize what a hero you married.

This is a difficult time in your wife’s life and she is a wonderful daughter and friend to her mother.

—-And there are only a few times in life that you truly get to be Superman and that is now - for you. Don’t blow it.

If you treat her right, she may be a hero like this for you one day if you’re lucky.

If you treat her badly during this crisis that SHE (not you) is in, her feelings for you may lose intensity.

So…
Stop reading this and send them both flowers, instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Tell her how proud you are of her. Tell her she can stay as long as she needs and you love her even more for being the person she is.

Behave. Be worth being treated like this. Most people don’t have a wife like her.