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Your wife is overwhelmed. She is trying to be a "good" daughter. You need to put on your big boy pants and be a man. Maybe you need to be there for her and give 100% to her for awhile. Instead of "What about me?".
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I think this is tough because your wife doesn't want to accept the fact her mother is old and getting near the end and wants to be guilt free but she is harming you in the process. If you love her and want to keep the marriage, I think all you can do is to explain all the factors involved in this situation - mother needs proper care better than daughter can provide without abandoning her, you need her too, etc. Try to get your wife to place the mother closer to you - not in your own home. If nothing works, you may just have to "wait it out" - and in the meantime do things that you enjoy doing - alone. You might find it is not the end of the world and then you can see where to go from there. I don't know what to say - except she passes soon and ???
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georud Jan 2022
I will do what you suggest, at what I hope is the right time. People can call me selfish all they want. My MIL is probably not moving closer to us, although I've suggested it (in a facility providing proper level of care). I'm trying to wait it out, but being perfectly honest, I'm sure my ability to do that will lessen over time.
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Whoa, there. I think some people may have forgotten what this forum is supposed to be about. Jumping on the OP for "not supporting" his wife is a little unfair, especially because he has explained in great detail in his subsequent posts that he IS supporting his wife!

His fears about his wife being overwhelmed are very valid, as any number of people on this forum - who have been caught up in similar situations that his wife finds herself in - can attest to!

The number one tenet in a strong marriage is communication! I applaud Geo for trying to find a compassionate way to talk to his wife about his fears going forward. Having a wonderful husband, I would be DEVESTATED to find out my husband had hid any concerns he had about MY wellbeing, and MY possibility of burnout when we were caretaking my mom in fear that I might find him "selfish".

Not to mention the fact that when, in the past, wives have come here to ask advice about their husbands' time being spent with MIL's I have seen advice ranging from "seek marriage counseling" to "I would take the kids and head out on a vacation" and everything in between; but I have rarely seen a woman being accused of being "selfish" for seeking advice on how to approach her husband about it. It's really not fair - in fact, I'll even debate that it's a kind of reverse discrimination - to give the polar opposite advice to a husband, in essence telling him in effect "suck it up, buttercup" when we treat women with kids' gloves in almost the exact same situation.

Geo, I think you're doing the right thing all around; I hope your marriage is as strong as I suspect it might be, and that when all is said and done your wife conveys her appreciation for your concern for her well-being.
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MJ1929 Jan 2022
When his subsequent comments include "While I enjoy some alone time, I want my wife home with me," I think people's responses are justified.

Much as he says he's being supportive and is concerned about his wife's wellbeing, I'd say he's 1. underestimating his wife's strength, and 2. he still wants to be #1 -- even during this time. Marriage is give-and-take, and there are times when one spouse has to give for a lot longer than they expected. I get that it's tough, but an emotionally mature person figures it out.

I'm seeing this in my own marriage, and my parents are now both gone. I'm their Trustee and have been handling their finances since before either was gone, and I've done an excellent job if I do say so myself. My mother (the last to go) died with more money than she had before she went into an expensive nursing home thanks to me managing her money.

Now, however, my husband is full of opinions about how I'm not handling the sale of my parents' house correctly. Well, like it or not, it's not his business. I'm handling it just fine with the cooperation of my brother, the only other person whose business it is. My husband is a recently retired manager, and he can't quite get it in his head that he doesn't need to manage me. I'm seeing that here, too.

I realize these times are difficult for spouses, because sometimes they get shut out of these decisions, but the fact is, this is his wife's family, not his, and she's doing what she feels she needs to do. If he can't quite relinquish control over what's going on, then I'd say that's a problem for him to work on without involving his wife in it.
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In order to keep a garden growing it must be nutured. That means spending time and effort on it.

If your wife wants to give you nothing what does that say about her commitment to the marriage?
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georud Jan 2022
I understand that we're early in this unfortunate process, and my question was not so much about what's going on now, but what might be going on in a month, several months, or longer. As much as I respect everyone's opinion, and as much as I am supporting my wife, putting no pressure on her at all, and commuting back and forth to be with her, the day will come where her need to care for her Mom, and my need to have my wife back will conflict. Not sure when that day comes, and it certainly isn't now, but I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it if it happens.
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I don’t understand most of these answers at all. Usually this type of post generates replies that the family unit comes first, especially the husband. That the parent is important, but not as important as making sure that the marriage/husband/children are happy with the situation and doing well at home. I even see a lot of comments that the parent is old and has lived their life, so now it is time for the next generations.

So I hate to see this gentleman being attacked for a very valid question. He certainly has a right to wonder what happened to his wife and his life and if it is ever going to return to normal.

I think his wife is scared that she is going to lose her Mom, so she wants to be by her side always. Which is ok in the beginning, but will need a reality check after a week or so.

I love this site because it is so supportive, usually. Not so much lately though.
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ThomasY Jan 2022
Exactly. The Elephant in the room is still in hiding.
But we know the reason why.
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Your question brings back so many complex feelings for me. I’ll try not to overwhelm you. I was the sole caregiver for my Mother for many years after my Dad died in 2000. The 1st 14 years, Mom was independent (albeit she stopped driving in 2005), so mainly it was driving the 200 mile round trip once a week to take her to Dr’s visits, grocery shopping, etc. My sister visited on the weekends. My husband was working full time during the week & worked 12 hour shifts on the weekends. Some time during Mom’s decline, I left my job to assist in her increasing health needs. In 2014, Mom started to decline( multiple surgeries, fractured hip, etc) which required more time & assistance on my part(help from my siblings is a whole other level of stress).During the time she was ambulatory, I asked my Mother to please come & live with me or live with my Aunt(her sister)to help me with the time & distance. She refused & wanted to age in place. In order to make that happen, my husband & I had Mom take out a HELOC(home equity line of credit) to hire in home caregiver. During this difficult time of tremendous pressure, my husband was supportive, but it did caused a lot of stress, arguments, compromise, frustration, & crying on my part because I was trying to do my best while feeling pulled apart.
Long story short, we did our best to take care of our loved ones & I have no regrets, but in hindsight & if possible, have a conversation with your wife to move her Mother closer to your home to help alleviate the distance because the longer she lives, the more time & care she will need.
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georud: I do understand your frustration. My story was that my late mother was adamant about living alone in her own home seven states away from mine. With a whole host of ailments, when her blood pressure had a significant plunge, I had no other option but to move there as believe me, we tried to amend her elder living situation to no avail.
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Are you? What would you propose to HELP the situation?
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Georud, it was a pity that your original post didn’t explain things too well, and a pity that a lot of people jumped to the worst possible conclusions. There seems to be a bit of it about at the moment! I hope that you can find something helpful in all the nasty stuff, and that things are improving for you, your wife and her mother. Best wishes, Margaret
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Chiming in to relate. Last summer I felt the need to drop everything and run to my mom and stick by her side. A very emotional decision, but I just felt like I absolutely must. Not like I knew what was going to happen, but I promised my husband it would be 2 months, and I made this intention clear to my mom and family. This wasn’t any sort of calculation (I wasn’t even capable of thinking very rationally during this time), but defining my commitment this way ended up making it so much easier on everyone involved. My mother and sister knew to expect I’d be leaving, and when, and my husband knew I’d be returning, and when.

During the 2 months, I couldn’t see how I was going to leave my severely frail and super vulnerable mother, and it was an enormous emotional crisis full of anxiety attacks. But it did end up being just enough time to see her through rehab (with intermittent hospitalization), shop LTC facilities, and get her situated into a stable care environment. Don’t know how I could have done it without my husband. He came by periodically at first, helping with the errands of hotel life, then stayed with me when I really flipped out, and helped tour the care facilities. Reassured me multiple times that we would be okay if I needed to stay longer. He wasn’t able to tell me that I couldn’t stay indefinitely, my best friends couldn’t either - it took my mom’s MD at the SNF saying “you have to go live your own life” for me to believe it might be OK to leave her. Anyway, we did end up leaving around the 2 month mark. I can actually believe I’ve done my very best for my mom. She’s remarkably content, I’m confident she knows she’s loved, I’m so very grateful for having had so much time with her. And my husband and I are closer for having gone through this together.

Hope this doesn’t come across as some incredibly self-indulgent post, just thought it might help to know that however difficult your current experience, it can work out, and even work out quite well, considering.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2022
Excellent comment; good job with helping mom and keeping your own life on track too!
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Hugs, Georud. I paused to scroll down all the comments and updates, so I haven't any suggestions to add but only one observation which I hope you'll excuse.

You are dealing with a) multiple uncertainty and b) not having any particular contributory task assigned to you; and b) in particular, as I understand it, is pretty much guaranteed to drive chaps up the wall. Heartfelt sympathy to you and may there be more clarity for you and your wife very soon. Have you set any mental deadlines for steps in the process? - keep them flexible, and you might find the exercise a comfort.
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Georud, what came of the meeting BIL had with staff?

Hope you are staying warm(ish).
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I think you are right in wanting your wife at home. My mom left my dad at home while she stayed with her mother at the nursing home. My dad suffered an injury while she was with her mother. He died 6 months later. My witch of a grandmother lived another 6 years with my mother dancing attendance on her. My mother ended up wondering why her children and grandchildren were distant with her.
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Why can't / don't you get an air b'n'b or rent a room closer to your wife/her mother for a few months. Rent out your home if necessary for a longer period or financial need.

As I asked below, why isn't her mother moved closer to your home?

What does selfish mean to you?
It appears you want to be included in your marriage, and your wife's life - ?
Does she want you near her / in communication / physically and emotionally?
Rather than look at this scenario as you appearing 'selfish,' you may need to ask your wife how she feels about you.

"If" this is a month in (this new situation as I read below), it is a good time to find out what your wife wants 'with you' to find some mutually win-wins. There are options if you BOTH want time together, including your wife being with her mother.

Realize your wife may have strong dependency issues (or perhaps GUILT) which would influence her current choices. Sounds to me that you need to have a heart-to-heart with your wife - by telling her how you feel about her (want to be with her) and see how she responds. If she isn't open to temporary shifts in logistics, this is your answer (she prefers her mom over you - which could be years in the making - as these feelings don't happen overnight (or so I believe). If your wife felt you as 'support' during this sad time for her, she would want you in closer proximity to her (again, this is my point of view).

I read a bit below about you being controlling. I don't see this at all although it would have helped if you explained / wrote how you feel about your relationship and your wife vs simply saying you want her home with you.

While I am not married, I believe there may be times where the give and take is unbalanced (if not often), i.e., 99-1 . . . 80-20. . . and so on. I believe this is the ebb and flow of relationships / marriages 'that work' - Best to tell her how you feel, i.e., "I miss you" ... "I want to be with you, too" ... "I want to support you"

Open your heart and see what she says. Your wife will burn out sooner than she realizes if she decides to maintain this regiment. That won't support either of you. I question the quality of your relationship over the last 5, 10, 15 ++ years. The quality you've created / built up now will reflect how you both decide to move through and forward. SPEAK UP. If you are the non-verbal type, this is the time to talk to your wife from your vulnerable, open heart. If you are the needy type, look inside and see how you can build yourself up.

Gena / Touch Matters
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You can only live one day at a time.
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it is difficult but have you both share your side of it.
This is her mom, age 90, she is thinking about her mom being of the age of dying soon, she loves her, wants her to feel comfort and loved.
You and she have a life together, this is a big change. change can be hard. there is fear she may stay with mom for months and even a year. You feel abandoned.

Both sides are valid. Make sure you empathize with her, she is a care giver and that is emotional. She isn't choosing mom over you- she is in the position of being needed by two people, that is a no win. You will support her more by telling her you see how hard that position is. Realize what you want may need some sacrifice right now. Look into options for her, housing for her mom closer to you all, ways you maybe can be out there with her sometimes etc.

Women get into this position, they are a mom and wife, then a wife and parent-caretaker. They have to share their time and divide their time, and then rarely take time for themself.( Just sharing that so you see her side of it.)
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My mother had a stroke which lasted 4 years until she passed away one year ago, of covid. my dad has also become very weak and depressed. although we hired someone to take care of him during the day, two of my siblings an myself have been taking one-week turns to stay with father.
when my mother passed away, my wife told me she was not going to support me "now with my father". afterwards she keeps either asking whether she or my dad are more important, or saying that she also needs me but I have to choose my priorities.
honestly, that hardly seems like love or support.
it just stresses me more.
I think the way to go is saying her that you love her and, although you miss her, you understand that nowadays her mom's needs take priority and that whatever she decides is ok with you, but that she can rely on you for support and advice if she asks for it.
please, please, please, do not give unsolicited advice
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