My parents lived in the same house for 63 years, and I had to move them in with us 2 years ago because dad's health was failing. They hated moving to another state and didn't know anyone here except me, my husband and our kids. He passed away last year and now my mother has no will to do anything but sleep and watch TV. She refuses to go to any senior social activities, she doesn't want to meet anyone new, she doesn't want counseling, she just wants to die and be with my dad, but she's not at that stage of life. With the exception of needing a walker, she is healthy, although she has lost about 50 lbs, and doesn't eat well. I help her shower, but it's a huge ordeal, and she never wants to do it. I have to make her do it once a week, sometimes it's after two weeks. All of her friends have passed away too except for one she talks with on the phone once a week. I can't motivate her to do anything. Should I push her more or just set up a time to drop her off at a senior center and see how it goes?
Plus it sounds like she's still grieving the loss of her husband and is depressed. Top that off with dementia, and of course she's not motivated to do anything.
Have you talked to her doctor so they can recommend some type of anti-depressant for her, and if not why not?
Until her depression and dementia are addressed, I'm not sure there will be much motivation going on with her. I just hope that it doesn't stop you and your husband from going out and enjoying your lives, and that you're not allowing her to drag you both down with her.
And it may be time to look into placing her in an assisted living facility, where she will be around other folks her age, and get involved with the many activities they offer if and when she decides to get back to living and enjoying her life.
My dad passed 15 months ago from dementia plus other conditions. My mom is 80 and doesn’t miss him at all. She uses a walker, gave up driving, has only one friend who visits her maybe once a month. I visit her 3X per week. She hasn’ t seen a Dr in 30+ years. I have given up urging her to try new things as she rejects 99.9% of my suggestions. She reads and plays on the computer and watches birds at the feeders that I fill for her. She does eat plenty (gets groceries delivered) and showers daily with a shower chair and handheld shower head.
good luck!
Weight loss is not good. Can you convince her to see a doctor?
If I get to that age the first thing I’d want is for everyone to leave me be until it’s too much trouble with diapers and such. If I had to move into a home the last thing I’d need is group socialization.
Please get her some medical help.
There may be a chance of early dementia as well . Mom needs to see the doctor.
Some very elderly who have lost a spouse , most of their friends, and on top
of it moved from their long time home late in life , never get over grieving all these losses.
My mother never did . She said the same thing . She didn’t want to live without my father .
I’m reading a book called “The Grieving BRAIN, The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss” by Mary-Francis O’Conner PhD.
It’s important for the doctor to know if she was already depressed.
In chapter 5 -Developing Complications-O’Conner explains that there is such a condition as Complicated Grief and that some griefs last for years.
There was an empirical study of 1500 people, long married couples that were interviewed before they lost a spouse and then interviewed 6 months later, then 18 months, then 48 months later. She learned in a workshop about this research project called Changing Lives of Older Couples (CLOC) from the University of Michigan which a great deal has been learned from.
A model from this study divided the grievers into four groups. Your mom sounds like she may be in the chronically depressed or chronic grief group depending on whether she was depressed before your dad died. Almost 10% are in the chronic grief group and over 14% are in chronic depression.
We may not understand this suffering because over 66% are in the resilient group and may look like the “normal” grievers. The last 10% are in the depressed before being widowed and improved after their spouse passed.
Your mom might be one who will need medication before she can ever consider self help. She doesn’t feel well enough to even talk to a counselor. Many seniors do better on an antidepressant. If she is already on one, perhaps it needs adjusting. And no, I wouldn’t drop her off at the senior center until she has seen a doctor and gotten treatment. It isn’t necessary for her to mourn herself to death or require you to witness it w/o even trying medication.
You can find podcasts of interviews of Mary-Frances O’Conner online. She’s a professor at University of Arizona and considered a leading expert on grief and loss. she has a more recent book called “The Grieving BODY; How the Stress of Loss Can Be an Opportunity for Healing”.
It will be difficult going forward. I'm sorry you're at these crossroads. I understand.
I am not blaming you here, just want to help you understand that it was a very big change for your parents to move. Now Mom has lost a spouse she was married to for many years. You can't expect her to be happy with the way her life has gone. Me, I was never a joiner. Friends, they have come and gone and at 75 I am not looking to make new ones. I live in my Den most of the day, so going to an AL probably would not bother me. Activities, don't expect me to join in. I like to socialize but when I want to. Bingo, not my favorite past time.
I would try to have her take her pills. Tell her that you just want her to try them. After a month dhe sees no difference, then maybe thats not her problem.
“ Your mother would rather be miserable , accept it “.
He was right, because nothing I tried or suggested , motivated or made Mom happy .
Maybe an antidepressant could help your mom cope with the loss of your father. Make sure there is no underlying cause for her to lose 50 pounds.
But I'd stop pushing her to do things. I'd find that annoying if I were her. It's her life and if she wanted to do something, she would.
it helped in many depression cases.
meds are also sometimes a necessary help
Good luck & hugs 🤗
But there's another thing...depression that seems intransigent can be an early sign of dementia. The jury seems kind of out--and I am NOT a neurologist or neuroscience researcher, just someone who had a similar situation in my life--on whether it is a cart, a horse, a chicken, an egg. But it is important therefore to get a full assessment, one that is kind, empathic, merciful, but can treat the depression and any other health issues at stake.
Im suggesting this only if she is still physically capable to travel
without it being a horrendous ordeal.
her and ask where she’s been. Or have her friend call and ask her to go. The shower- tell her she’s getting stinky. You don’t want her to get any sores from not showering. I’m imagine you have a shower chair already. But explain that she’s just moving from one chair to another. my Mom rolls her eyes when I say it’s shower day but she is always SO grateful after walk and shower. just remind her -Mom I need you to stay strong, clean and healthy. It’s so hard mentally. Know you’re not alone. God bless. Hope she eases up for you.