Follow
Share

My parents lived in the same house for 63 years, and I had to move them in with us 2 years ago because dad's health was failing. They hated moving to another state and didn't know anyone here except me, my husband and our kids. He passed away last year and now my mother has no will to do anything but sleep and watch TV. She refuses to go to any senior social activities, she doesn't want to meet anyone new, she doesn't want counseling, she just wants to die and be with my dad, but she's not at that stage of life. With the exception of needing a walker, she is healthy, although she has lost about 50 lbs, and doesn't eat well. I help her shower, but it's a huge ordeal, and she never wants to do it. I have to make her do it once a week, sometimes it's after two weeks. All of her friends have passed away too except for one she talks with on the phone once a week. I can't motivate her to do anything. Should I push her more or just set up a time to drop her off at a senior center and see how it goes?

We had a similar situation. After six years of taking care of my mother after my dad's death, we never found a solution to making her happy. All we could do was make her as safe and as comfortable as possible. Her living situations changed during that time from her home, then a lovely 2-bedroom apartment for over 50-year-olds, to our home, to assisted living, to a SNF. We tried so very hard to get her interested in life again, but not even her grandchildren and great grandchildren who live in our area could make her want anything more than to be with my dad. She has now passed, and we feel joy for her because that is all she ever asked for. We found that no one can truly help another if that person just does not have it in them anymore to be helped. My mother was 90 when she moved here and 96 when she passed. Those six years were hard on her, and hard on us. I hope I can have someone else understand this: Your family, your health, your peace of mind are just as important as those you are trying to help. I had a hard time because I kept thinking there was something I could do to make her better, something little trick or knowledge that I was missing, or that I was just not a good enough daughter. All you can do is the best you can, but that goes for yourself and your family. Ask advice, get the doctor's opinions, do what you can to help her within reason, but remember if your mother just cannot accept life, there is nothing you can do except keep her safe and comfortable for the time she has left. Never forget that you and your family are important, too.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to asfastas1can
Report

Can you not see that your mom is seriously depressed?? Get her to the doctor immediately to address this issue and the need for medication to help her!
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

Honestly, I’d just let her be if she’s content.

If I get to that age the first thing I’d want is for everyone to leave me be until it’s too much trouble with diapers and such. If I had to move into a home the last thing I’d need is group socialization.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Report
ElizabethAR37 Aug 19, 2025
Agreed. I'm basically an introvert. At 88 I would NOT be happy with forced socialization. Yeah, I know, we're all supposed to be social. But not all of us are. In OP's situation I'd try to convince Mom to see a doctor to rule out, or treat, the symptoms of dementia and depression. If neither exists, "live and let live" may be the best way to go (although I'd continue to insist that Mom shower 2X week at a minimum--your house, your rules). Keeping it real, old-old age is pretty much about loss after loss and isn't necessarily a time of happiness for most.
(16)
Report
See 1 more reply
I 100% agree with those who suggest she be seen by her primary doctor: losing 50 lbs is a lot, and she seems deeply depressed. She cannot help herself in her current state of grief and possible other issues, so you must step in and help her.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Geaton777
Report
Daughterofalc Aug 19, 2025
I have brought her to her PC who put her on an anti-depressant but she refuses to take it.
(3)
Report
See 8 more replies
My husband used to say to me,
“ Your mother would rather be miserable , accept it “.
He was right, because nothing I tried or suggested , motivated or made Mom happy .
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to waytomisery
Report
Momlittr Aug 24, 2025
Th is how I and my sisters feel about my 87 yr old mother. She is currently in rehab again, and refuses to go out of the room. I would be depressed watching the news all day, which is what she does at home too. Dad died 17 years ago, so that is no longer an excuse. She pushed away any friends she had. If she is lonely and depressed, this by her choice. I cannot help her.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
I think your mom needs a medical evaluation more than to be motivated, She has plenty to be depressed about and, as some othera have mentioned, it may be the onset of dementia.

Please get her some medical help.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to golden23
Report

Sounds like depression , and grieving .
There may be a chance of early dementia as well . Mom needs to see the doctor.

Some very elderly who have lost a spouse , most of their friends, and on top
of it moved from their long time home late in life , never get over grieving all these losses.
My mother never did . She said the same thing . She didn’t want to live without my father .
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to waytomisery
Report
Daughterofalc Aug 19, 2025
Definitely early stages of dementia too.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
The fact that your mother isn't wanting to shower on a regular basis is a sure sign that there is some form of dementia at play here.
Plus it sounds like she's still grieving the loss of her husband and is depressed. Top that off with dementia, and of course she's not motivated to do anything.
Have you talked to her doctor so they can recommend some type of anti-depressant for her, and if not why not?
Until her depression and dementia are addressed, I'm not sure there will be much motivation going on with her. I just hope that it doesn't stop you and your husband from going out and enjoying your lives, and that you're not allowing her to drag you both down with her.
And it may be time to look into placing her in an assisted living facility, where she will be around other folks her age, and get involved with the many activities they offer if and when she decides to get back to living and enjoying her life.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report
Daughterofalc Aug 19, 2025
When they moved to FL they moved into an AL community that was like a resort- gorgeous, good food, and activities everyday, all day. She refused to meet anyone new and stayed in the apt, even when my dad would go for a walk she wouldn’t go. She dug her heals in and watched TV all day then too. Every discussion was about how much she hated it there. She has seen her PC and other doctors but refuses to take the meds for depression. She is very stubborn.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Has she seen a doctor? Not eating and avoiding showering are not good. It might be depression or early dementia? Meds might help.

My dad passed 15 months ago from dementia plus other conditions. My mom is 80 and doesn’t miss him at all. She uses a walker, gave up driving, has only one friend who visits her maybe once a month. I visit her 3X per week. She hasn’ t seen a Dr in 30+ years. I have given up urging her to try new things as she rejects 99.9% of my suggestions. She reads and plays on the computer and watches birds at the feeders that I fill for her. She does eat plenty (gets groceries delivered) and showers daily with a shower chair and handheld shower head.

good luck!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Suzy23
Report

This is grief. Your mom is going through the grieving process. As told to me by a therapist is that sometimes we grieve many things after a loss of some kind. In your mom's case, losing a spouse is a major loss along with losing her independence and health.

Weight loss is not good. Can you convince her to see a doctor?
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Scampie1
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter