We are 81 and 82. Married in June, 2024. Almost immediately after the wedding, it became a difficult situation. My wife had been alone for 30 years and hinted at her excitement about moving on and having a physical married relationship again. After a week or two of celibracy, she said she didn't feel sexy anymore and was not wanting to have physical contact with me. We now kiss goodnight and go to our separate rooms. Another more serious issue is her symptoms of dementia which are advanced enough to indicate she has been progressing for quite some time. Living alone, nobody ever took notice of her lapses. Now I'm the caregiver, instead of the husband, and I don't have the energy or the funds to properly care for her. I have my own savings, earmarked for my two girls when I die, but the law requires me to spend down my own lifetime of savings to care for her future needs. Her son and daughter appear to have found someone to take care of Mom, letting them off the hook, both emotionally, and legally. I'm not trying to "get off the hook" but circumstances seem to point towards a prior plan by her children to "get off the hook" themselves. What can I do now? It's taking such a toll on my mental state (lifelong depression issues) and on my body (long term severe pain issues).
Your bride sounds like she’s very capable of “show dogging”….. like she can appear all cute, competent and cognitive for brief period of time. But it’s not sustainable. It’s this kinda what she’s doing?
On the “law requires me to spend down my own lifetime of savings”, that is NOT accurate. What happens for couples who have a NH spouse and a Community Spouse situation, it’s only - ONLY - the NH spouse has to be impoverished at whatever levels your State has set for “financially at-need” to be eligible for LTC Medicaid. But just how a segregation of assets is done varies by State. That Divorce atty may themselves have familiarity with LTC Medicaid or they may have a CELA level of elder law atty they loop in to advise you.
This forum has had couple of ?s on NH/CS just this month. If you search my answer history, you’ll find these questions and the detailed answers folks have given besides myself recently.
Also Alva mentioned an annulment. That too was my first thought as what to do. Annulment rules are real State specific, so it’s atty work. For annulment there’s a concept of “void vs. voidable” that a real very experienced pit-bullie of a divorce attorney might be able to establish for you. It’s atty work as they will be end up doing a forensic on her and maybe her kids as well. My NAL understanding is doing the void vs. voidable gets used to do an annulment for when a marriage is past the easier within the usual annulment timeframe. It’s divorce atty who does litigation work. Not really done by a family law attorney who does divorce within their general practice. Your daughters can do the research to find the right attorney for you somewhere in your State.
Hope you are able to stay positive & do get your own rest regularly!
You need to see an attorney to get yourself from behind the eight ball.
I vote that this change in your wife is due to a urinary tract infection (UTI).
That can wreck havoc on a patient's behaviors, attitudes, and life. (Death by Sepsis).
An urgent care visit, going to the Emergency Room (ER) to have her tested right away may save her life.
If there is any aggressiveness, combativeness, anger, rage, confusion etc.,
if she has hit you, pushed you...this all could be a UTI and treatable.
Do you still drive?
Does she?
How are you doing today?
Expecting an answer please.
It might be good to look at the health insurance status of you both, now that the legal status is married.
1) Do you have your wife on your health insurance after you married?
2) Did she have an HMO, Medicare Advantage, including Medi-Cal or Medi-Medi?
Has that changed now?
3) Or, are you both on a Medicare HMO Advantage Plan?
Or maybe you have a PPO insurance plan?
Maybe something else?
Someone planning to marry just for the insurance benefits seems to fuel many a person's motives for a late marriage. Seems silly, doesn't it?
What do you think?
There are a few experts on health insurance here on this forum. If you asked a question about insurance, maybe they could answer. Not likely if you cannot speak up and let us help you in some way. Of course you will need to take the good with the bad, perhaps even judgment. But left to our own devices and past experiences, we may imagine some things far worse than the truth you are not saying.
Last attempt to help you,
So very sorry for your distress. There is no shame if you made a mistake Larry.
You were not forced to do this, it was your choice.
So, now you have a decision to make, stay and possibly put yourself in a bad financial position or move on.
Hopefully you have a prenup, if not you had better see an attorney like yesterday.
Best of luck to you.
Lots of good answers here, and in your other thread.
However, you have not replied, nor solved the problem you have
explained so well. We get it.
You came to the marriage with lifelong depression and long-term pain issues?
I have concerns for you also, thinking you can tell your doctor these things, get an evaluation for yourself and see how best to proceed. Are you yourself needing a caregiver, or some help with activities of daily living?
Are you at all interested in separating from your wife?
You are maybe still wondering what you can do now?
And how will this proceed to benefit both of you if you do nothing?
Maybe there will be Memory Care for her, and Assisted Living for you, in the same
facility? That does not sound ideal, does it?
If living independently is your goal, planning on staying together can impoverish you, as you have mentioned. Not knowing who you are indicates your wife will soon require placement or more in home care by caregivers that are not you. $$$
Start taking some kind of action on your own behalf. You both have adult children who can equalize things if they are familiar with the situation and you are not doing all this alone, and in secret. By equalize things, I mean they may disagree
with everything and each other. (Of course you do not need permission from them to make your own decisions.)
Have you seen an attorney, if only to make plans for a financial future?
Have you ever divorced in your life? Are there reasons you feel that you would not want to separate? An attorney can advise you even if you are planning on staying with your wife.
So, health, finances-address that first.
Mother's Day is coming...maybe a family get-together can bring some answers?
There should have been a "Prenup" if you thought to leave an inheritance to your girls.
See an attorney, take a daughter with you as you explore your options. This is an unfortunate situation and very sad that you cannot have the wife and life you planned.
My experience with an elder family member is that he did nothing, did nothing to protect himself, there were too many "other family" involved waiting for someone else to make the decisions, and fighting. He wanted to stay with his wife, she wanted him gone, and fraud occurred, her family moving in, and moving the husband out. He went to assisted living and became financially bereft after fraud occurred.
loud to a lawyer about what your options are.
Your money that’s supposed to be for “the girls”? Well, part of it is going to have to go to a family law lawyer who will direct you on how to extricate yourself and facilitate her removal from your home. At least though, there should be SOMETHING left over.
Do let the son and daughter know that this is your intention and speak honestly with them about you impending divorce.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-wife-and-i-are-both-81-we-married-june-2024-and-within-a-few-weeks-i-noticed-symptoms-of-dementia-493333.htm?orderby=recent
Larry, PLEASE don't let your depression immobilize you. Get yourself to a lawyer right away.
It appears Larry is stuck, and has not answered anyone.
Most dementias will progress when a person moves into an unfamiliar setting or has to deal with change. They lose the ability to use the muscle memory that was helpful in their previous environment.
Your situation is a cautionary tale for anyone really who is contemplating marriage. The likelihood of someone developing dementia or cancer or worn body parts is greater the older they are but no one is exempt. It could have been you who developed a problem.
Where were your girls when you were contemplating marriage? Did you include them in your decision? Her children aren’t responsible anymore than yours are IMHO. But an attorney might say different.
I’m sorry for your troubles. Do let us know how you resolve it. We learn from one another.
Just wanted to add. Do see a therapist. This situation can wreak havoc on your physical and mental health. That’s why most of us are on this site. Being a caregiver is very difficult and many caregivers pass before the one they are caring for.
You need legal advice IMMEDIATELY. You need to see a Family Law attorney about annulment/divorce and you need to find out the rules for Medicaid in your state.
((((hugs)))))
My advice is to see a divorce attorney immediately and either get the marriage annulled or file for divorce. And do not remarry at 81. Most 82 year olds don't feel very sexy and if you find one who does, great, but you don't have to marry her this late in life. You can hire caregivers when you need them.
You are married to your wife. Children don't have a responsibility to take care of a parent unless they want to. You seem to understand that you're "on the hook," and if you were bamboozled that's awful. I believe you have legal recourse, maybe an annulment, but you need to check that out with a lawyer ASAP. I'm not sure that the law requires you to spend your life savings. Hers should be spent first. Then yours. Didn't you discuss this sort of thing before you married??
If an annulment isn't possible, divorce her. Ask the lawyer about that too. Emphasize your urgency. These days, no one has to stay in a bad marriage or one that they were tricked into. Be pro-active - immediately.