Follow
Share

Now, ten months later, her memory is almost zilch. She has absolutely no short term memory. She studies her calender constantly. Last week we agreed that I would be responsible for her meds and make sure she takes them all. The next morning all that went away and we're back to "I can do it". There have been times she can't remember me and her daughter, who comes over several times a week. I realize it's "in sickness and in health" but it very depressing to have found someone to live out our twilight years and now I not only won't have my final partner, but I will probably spend most of my savings on care. Her children are no help, except for a lot of sorrys. I know there is no solution, but it sure helps to know there are others out there who will have an understanding of all this. We are all in my prayers.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Larry has not responded in the 3 posts he has made. His last was May 9 repeating this one from April.
He posted on discussions that he does not know how to respond. Between the two threads, I hope he got enough information to get help.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It does seem too fast for her to have declined so much, but then I recall that my mom, age 90, was mentally fine in January but by July she thought she was going to marry Elvis and had bought the ring. She’d has a few falls and was hospitalized after one of them in the spring.

Worthy of note, attention Larry: she lived 5 years after dementia onset. She was 95 when she passed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Not seeing where Larry ever answered back.
He opened a new question instead.

All of the answers for him are very good advice, imo.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Has your wife been to a doctor about these rapid changes ?
I’m sorry this has not turned into the twilight years you were expecting . Marrying this late in life does come with the significant possibility of someone needing care in the not too distant future .
Perhaps an eldercare lawyer could help with division of assets so hopefully neither of you are negatively impacted .
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I want to echo those who said get an exam ASAP. There are other conditions that can be fixed even something as small as a urinary tract infection (UTI).

Right after that spot should be the one with an elder care attorney.

best wishes. I am sorry that this happened so soon after what should have been a happy occasion.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

No state explicitly bars a person with a diagnosed dementia from getting married, but their ability to consent to marriage depends on their mental capacity at the time of the marriage, which is assessed individually.  Source: AI browser search Everywhere and every way I searched this issue the answer comes up the same: the bar is so low for capacity and consent that it basically takes a court order to prevent someone with *diagnosed* dementia from marrying. The OP's wife didn't have a diagnosis when they got married and apparently had the full capacity to understand what she was doing and to consent to it. Therefore, suggesting the OP's marriage may not have been legal is most likely a deadend. Ten months is an alarmingly short period of time for the wife to go from seemingly normal cognitive function to now at times not recognizing her own daughter, who is in her long-term memory. If I were this woman I'd hope my husband or PoA would take me in for testing before it's too late for treatment.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I’m also of the opinion that she may not have been legally able to consent to the marriage if you are noticing all of this a year later.

Do not spend your savings on her care. Consult with an elder attorney to separate your finances now and possibly divorce her. This might sound mean, but you really need to be smart about this. You didn’t expect this so soon and your entire future is affected.

Is it too late for an annulment? Maybe her kids encouraged this to get a live in caretaker so to speak. Might you have been their mark?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

So sorry you're going through this. You need to see an estate planning/elderlaw attorney ASAP. Some states permit the healthy spouse to place assets in her/his name in a Medicaid-compliant annuity as long as he/she does this before the other spouse requires Medicaid. She does need a complete physical, though, and and an assessment by a neurologist specializing in neurocognitive disorders.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree that she should have a physical.
Her doctors need to know what is going on.
Now for what might be the nasty bit....
IF she had a diagnosis of dementia or even MCI PRIOR to you getting married your marriage may not be "legal" in as much that it may be argued that she was not fully cognizant at the time.
If this is the case it is up to you to do with the information as you see fit.

You say that within a few weeks you noticed signs of dementia. I do not know how long you knew her before you got married or how much time you spent with her but "signs" do not just suddenly appear. There are little indications for months, years before most people notice enough to be concerned.

I would start with a full physical and possibly a Neuropsychologist exam to get a full picture as to what is going on.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Larry, if your wife hasn't had a thorough physical, I would encourage you to get one done. There are things that can cause sudden, drastic dementia symptoms that are not really dementia. Like low sodium, to name 1.

I am so sorry for you and your bride that things have changed so dramatically. Unfortunately, that's what aging looks like.

I want to encourage you to get some help in for you. Nothing wrong with having a housekeeper or even a chef come in and prepare meals that meet your tastes and fill the freezer. Getting someone to come sit with her while you get away for some you time. You know best what would take some of the load off you.

May The Lord give you strength, guidance and wisdom in this new season of life.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm widowed and I would never marry again to watch someone suffer or them to watch me go through it. It will take years off your life. I've decided to solo single to the end.

I had a neighbor who married her husband after being with him for thirty years. She married him at year twenty-eight and he is in the deep throes of dementia. Her reason for marrying him was for legal protection of assets and not becoming homeless. It was not a well thought out plan. Makes me wonder if he was even lucid enough for marriage with his diagnosis in the first place.

Listen to the wise women here.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
waytomisery Apr 9, 2025
To your first paragraph Scampie . I totally agree . DH and I both turning 60 this year . After dealing with all 4 of our parents ….no way would I go into another relationship if somethlng would happen to my husband , and I am widowed.

My grandmother was widowed in her mid 60’s . Then in her early 70’s she dated one man for awhile more for companionship really . He was a neighbor at her new apartment building when she downsized . She also told him no for sex up front . Then he started talking marriage so she stopped dating . She said she wasn’t going to take care of and watch another husband die .
(1)
Report
See 4 more replies
I agree with Alva here. I would see an elder lawyer. You have not been married a year. The lawyer can help you separate your finances. Just getting married there should not be any marital assets. What you had prior to the marriage are not marital assets. I, too, think that an annulment may be in order. Dementia does not hit this fast. There were probably subtle signs before. If her surroundings changed after you married, this would cause confusion in someone even in the early stages.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

{HUGS}.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your marriage seems to have occurred without a lot of thought and without a lot of truly knowing who you were marrying. At 81 I honestly cannot imagine what you are thinking in marrying someone of your own age. I am 83 this year and my partner will be 85, and we are clearly in a race presently to see just who can get the sickest the fastest and which one can make a final exit before the other.
When you marry at this age you are not signing on to lovely years around the pool sipping martinis. You are signing on to caregiving.

If you would like to annul this marriage I think you should see an attorney after discussing with your own and her family. This woman will soon be in care. She isn't the woman you married a short time ago. You should be free to go your way in my humble opinion, and please--whatever ELSE you do--stop looking for romance when what you should be seeking is somewhere to get decent supportive care for your last years.
Just my humble opinion.

Now you may have a different opinion and may intend to stay. If so, get any documents and paperwork done now, attend an attorney for options about division of finances while you two can still accomplish this.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
swmckeown76 Apr 9, 2025
One of the most joyous weddings I attended in recent years was of a widow and a widower, both in their early 80s. He was a retired Methodist minister, but took the coursework necessary online from an Anglican seminary to be ordained as an Anglican priest, and she was a retired bookkeeper and an Anglican. They had a short honeymoon and after they got back, she said, "Of course, we did what people do on their honeymoon," He also subsequently said his new wife hated cooking but he loved it, so he did the cooking. He hated dealing w/money, so she handled their finances and was well-qualified after her many years as a bookkeeper in a large bank. I'd count myself fortunate if I could be as happily remarried as they are.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
First and foremost because of her rapid decline and you being completely blindsided by it, I would take her to her primary doctor to get an accurate diagnosis. You must stay in the exam room with her to take notes and help her accurately answer the doctor's questions. Often, dementia is only definitively diagnosed by discounting all other medical causes. They may even order imaging of her brain to look for a tumor. She cannot be prescribed meds for depression/anxiety/agitation without an exam. Not say she needs this now, but if she has dementia she is very likely to need it in the near future. I hope you are her PoA, or she has one. If not, she may still have legal capacity to assign someone (and due to your advanced age, if you are her primary she should also same a back-up). You both need to go to an elder law attorney who is experienced with Medicaid. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart on this unexpected journey.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yes, I think you should consult with an Elder Care lawyer about how to separate your finances, and how to finance her care with minimal impact on yours. This is not selfish, because it's possible that you may need your money for your own care eventually. And I am sorry this hit you, I know it's emotionally devastating.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Larry, I’m so sorry you’re both going through this. Many second, or later, marriages have safeguards in place for each other’s finances, often being what each brings to the marriage remains theirs. I think given your own possible future needs it’s important for you to seek legal guidance now on this. It’s likely possible to separate your assets. It’s not a matter of you not caring, but protecting you both for what may be to come. Your wife’s children are very wrong in this and I hope you’ll not try to handle it all on your own. I wish you peace in a rough storm
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I’m so sorry.

Please talk to a family law attorney about how you can protect your share of the assets. This being a short term marriage, you might not have to pay anything toward her care.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter