We are 81 and 82. Married in June, 2024. Almost immediately after the wedding, it became a difficult situation. My wife had been alone for 30 years and hinted at her excitement about moving on and having a physical married relationship again. After a week or two of celibracy, she said she didn't feel sexy anymore and was not wanting to have physical contact with me. We now kiss goodnight and go to our separate rooms. Another more serious issue is her symptoms of dementia which are advanced enough to indicate she has been progressing for quite some time. Living alone, nobody ever took notice of her lapses. Now I'm the caregiver, instead of the husband, and I don't have the energy or the funds to properly care for her. I have my own savings, earmarked for my two girls when I die, but the law requires me to spend down my own lifetime of savings to care for her future needs. Her son and daughter appear to have found someone to take care of Mom, letting them off the hook, both emotionally, and legally. I'm not trying to "get off the hook" but circumstances seem to point towards a prior plan by her children to "get off the hook" themselves. What can I do now? It's taking such a toll on my mental state (lifelong depression issues) and on my body (long term severe pain issues).
Do let the son and daughter know that this is your intention and speak honestly with them about you impending divorce.
My advice is to see a divorce attorney immediately and either get the marriage annulled or file for divorce. And do not remarry at 81. Most 82 year olds don't feel very sexy and if you find one who does, great, but you don't have to marry her this late in life. You can hire caregivers when you need them.
You are married to your wife. Children don't have a responsibility to take care of a parent unless they want to. You seem to understand that you're "on the hook," and if you were bamboozled that's awful. I believe you have legal recourse, maybe an annulment, but you need to check that out with a lawyer ASAP. I'm not sure that the law requires you to spend your life savings. Hers should be spent first. Then yours. Didn't you discuss this sort of thing before you married??
If an annulment isn't possible, divorce her. Ask the lawyer about that too. Emphasize your urgency. These days, no one has to stay in a bad marriage or one that they were tricked into. Be pro-active - immediately.
Most dementias will progress when a person moves into an unfamiliar setting or has to deal with change. They lose the ability to use the muscle memory that was helpful in their previous environment.
Your situation is a cautionary tale for anyone really who is contemplating marriage. The likelihood of someone developing dementia or cancer or worn body parts is greater the older they are but no one is exempt. It could have been you who developed a problem.
Where were your girls when you were contemplating marriage? Did you include them in your decision? Her children aren’t responsible anymore than yours are IMHO. But an attorney might say different.
I’m sorry for your troubles. Do let us know how you resolve it. We learn from one another.
Just wanted to add. Do see a therapist. This situation can wreak havoc on your physical and mental health. That’s why most of us are on this site. Being a caregiver is very difficult and many caregivers pass before the one they are caring for.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-wife-and-i-are-both-81-we-married-june-2024-and-within-a-few-weeks-i-noticed-symptoms-of-dementia-493333.htm?orderby=recent
Larry, PLEASE don't let your depression immobilize you. Get yourself to a lawyer right away.
It appears Larry is stuck, and has not answered anyone.
Your money that’s supposed to be for “the girls”? Well, part of it is going to have to go to a family law lawyer who will direct you on how to extricate yourself and facilitate her removal from your home. At least though, there should be SOMETHING left over.
It might be good to look at the health insurance status of you both, now that the legal status is married.
1) Do you have your wife on your health insurance after you married?
2) Did she have an HMO, Medicare Advantage, including Medi-Cal or Medi-Medi?
Has that changed now?
3) Or, are you both on a Medicare HMO Advantage Plan?
Or maybe you have a PPO insurance plan?
Maybe something else?
Someone planning to marry just for the insurance benefits seems to fuel many a person's motives for a late marriage. Seems silly, doesn't it?
What do you think?
There are a few experts on health insurance here on this forum. If you asked a question about insurance, maybe they could answer. Not likely if you cannot speak up and let us help you in some way. Of course you will need to take the good with the bad, perhaps even judgment. But left to our own devices and past experiences, we may imagine some things far worse than the truth you are not saying.
Last attempt to help you,
So very sorry for your distress. There is no shame if you made a mistake Larry.
I vote that this change in your wife is due to a urinary tract infection (UTI).
That can wreck havoc on a patient's behaviors, attitudes, and life. (Death by Sepsis).
An urgent care visit, going to the Emergency Room (ER) to have her tested right away may save her life.
If there is any aggressiveness, combativeness, anger, rage, confusion etc.,
if she has hit you, pushed you...this all could be a UTI and treatable.
Do you still drive?
Does she?
How are you doing today?
Expecting an answer please.
You need to see an attorney to get yourself from behind the eight ball.
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