I can empathize, I struggle with that at times. I think it's different for everyone but I find it's helpful for me to do something I enjoy, take a break, and spirituality is important to me so that helps me. I have found forgiving myself for having those feelings is okay.
It is very very difficult to not say "But we discussed that this morning; don't you REMEMBER". It is hard to accept that no, they honestly don't remember. I think there is a lot of anxiety we have for the future, trying to guess how it will be, when it will be, and difficult to stay in these days that are mostly "pretty good". Wishing you the best.
I try so hard to not say those words. It seems they are on the tip of my tongue multiple times a day. And if I do have to say them, he'll angrily respond, "No, you are the one who doesn't remember, stop making things up."
I love your screen name by the way. It is hard to watch the one we love deteriorate before our eyes, but be thankful that you can still say that most days are still pretty good. Just remember that the person you fell in love with, is still in there somewhere. It's important that you are taking care of yourself as well as your wife, if you want to have more patience and understanding for the journey. It's also important that you educate yourself on whatever your wife is dealing with. Your post doesn't say anything about your wife having dementia or Alzheimer's, but if she does have either, I would recommend that you watch some of Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube regarding those issues. They are very informative and helpful. The 36 Hour Day by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins is another must read for those caring for anyone with those issues as well. Knowledge really is key in helping with your understanding of what your wife is going through. I hope and pray that you are doing small things that you enjoy everyday for yourself, as that will certainly help you be a better caregiver to your wife. God bless you.
All wise and good comments. I love the screen name as well (sure beats mine!)
While deteriorating could be physically, it more likely refers to some kind of cognitive decline - those are the ones that tend to try our patience!
I do agree that knowledge is important. During the good and better times, find time to learn all you can. Being aware of what's happening and perhaps why is helpful. Having ideas about how to deflect those not so happy times can get both OP and wife through some of the difficulties (redirecting, refocusing, not correcting or criticizing or reminding, taking a deep breath and, if possible, a break when those moments happen are some of the many ways WE can learn to cope.) Learning these "tricks" along with learning to "live" her reality (so long as it doesn't involve anything unsafe!) are useful tools to have in our pockets.
I am working on that exact problem! I am learning to go with God, to read a prayer every morning, and sometime before each situation where I will need added patience or understanding. I hope this helps you, too.
What specifically causes you stress and anxiety that you need to develope patience and understanding for? What is your wife's ailment? Does she have cancer, Alzheimer's, or another debilitating disease? The caregiver's role and how how to relate to your loved one differs greatly depending on the disease. Whatever her illness, there are many resources that can help you improve and understand your role as a spousal caregiver. Books, websites, YouYube videos are all available. You might want to repost your concerns with more specifics.
I find it sweet that you care enough about your wife that you want to build patience and understanding. You can allow yourself to grieve as you watch her deteriorate, it is okay.
My faith and the faith of my friends have seen me through. In the midst of my caregiving of 89 year old partner, I had a heart attack and 3 way bypass and still in rehab. Thank God a friend stayed 24/7 with my partner until she got her health back (had been in hospital 3 times in December/January and was still unable to get out of bed by herself the morning of my heart attack (I'm 80 and thought I was in excellent health). My friends and church family have prayed hard and I understand I am recovering faster than anyone else from a bypass. Our minister (non-denominational) had before this brought me a book called the Tao Ching for Caregivers. I may not understand every page but reading one a day really helped me. It is a small booklet.
Pretend it's you . Pretend that you are the one losing coherence . How would you want to be treated ? How would you like someone to be towards you if you were stubborn or asked questions again and again , or lost control of your bladder , or fell ill ? Do that .
That helped me tremendously when my grandmother started to slip. I hope it works for you .
Read the poem, “Do Not Ask Me to Remember” by Owen Darnell. It helped me put things in perspective and reorganize my thinking when I got overwhelmed. I just lost my father two weeks ago and I wouldn’t trade a minute of our struggles with Alzheimer’s, sundowning, long nites, accidents, confusion/anger, etc. I feel honored that I could be with him as he deteriorated. I was there with him for his last breath and was at peace knowing he was finally out of a mind and body that were no longer working. It’s not easy, but your loved one will appreciate your unconditional love. Good luck and God bless you!
I saw your recommdationf for the poem.. I:ll look it up too.
I am caring for mother wit vascular or mixed dementia... Kept falling but insisted on only using a cane.. Fell in April.... Became incontinent and unable to walk or stand.. On hospice now
What is it that you feel you need more patience and understanding for? Is it physical caregiving e.g. toileting, bathing your wife? Or is it answering the same questions over and over? Are you perhaps expecting too much of yourself? Do you have help at home e.g. housekeeper, someone to prepare meals?
In my experience caregiving for my in-laws before they moved to indy living and while my MIL was still alive, there were things for which I had all the patience in the world while not for other things. Ask yourself if you really need to be the person doing the things for which you seek more patience and understanding. You do not have to do it all!
Are you her caregiver? Does she have dementia? Is physically caring for her (incontinence, dressing, bathing, etc...) wearing you out? Do you have to answer the same question over and over again? All these questions have already been asked. If you answer 'yes' to any of them, then you need some help at home with your wife. Bring in some outside professional caregiving services to help out. You have to still have some kind of life for yourself that doesn't include your wife and taking care of her. A caregiver's patience level drops quick if they enjoy nothing for themselves and have no life outside of caregiving for someone. Hire some homecare services. Get some help for your wife. Then take some time for yourself do some activities that you enjoy with the peace of mind that your wife is being taken care of. You will see your patience with her will increase when you're taking time to get away from the caregiving role.
Complex answer - Whatever health challenges you and your wife are handling, please don't try to go it alone. Her health care needs must be met - but your needs must be met as well. Get more helpers so you have time to sleep 7-9 hours every day, eat 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, time to get your health needs met, and "time off" so you can relax and even enjoy something fun.
Good answers below. Don't try to do this alone. If you can, get aides to help with her care so that you don't have to do everything and can take breakes. Keep in mind that her condition may get worse. How much are you actually capable of doing? If "strangers" will be coming into your home, lock away your financial papers and valuables. Make sure that she has her paperwork in order with a living will that explains her medical directives (including end of life decisions). You can do the same for yourself at the same time. Also, POA for financial and medical decisions, and a will if there are assets. This is a best practice in this time of pandemic anyway.
Enjoy the good times, grieve the bad times, and take some time away from care giving that's devoted just for YOU. Consider respite care for a week or two for your wife while you take some well deserved down time to rest & recuperate.
Best of luck with a difficult situation. Remember that you're doing the best you can in terms of patience. Nobody is a saint, so try not to be too hard on yourself, ok?
Most of these answers are helpful to me although I didn't post it. I think we are who and what we are, not saints and to expect more places a huge additional burden on our overloaded plates. Last night was one of the worst with my mother and I was not nice, even more disturbing to me was that I did not care. She was not only up in the wee hours, she made her way into the spare bedroom and into the closet where my winter clothes are and I had taken a top for her own and put it on, refusing to take it off and also peeing on the carpet and in her pants. It really had me questioning how much longer can this go on.
I know this sounds corny but it is true. Pray. Pray for Jehovah Jireh ( God supplies ) to help you gain more patience and understanding. It has worked for me for many decades under very stressful situations.
Contact Focus on the Family with recourses to help you. https://www.focusonthefamily.com or in Canada https://www.focusonthefamily.ca They have free counselling to get you in contact with agencies that will help you.
Happyboy: Prayers sent for your wife. Seek respite through any means possible, Visiting Angels, a church, et al, else you fall faint and ill and are good to no one.
I used to have lots of patience but my mom’s sickness has taken it away. I just have to pray for more each day. Do your best and continually pray. Get outside help for much needed respite care. Know that you are not alone.
I also struggle to have patience. I think in the back of our heads we expect our loved ones to behave normally. We give lip service to the idea that we know they are ill but we simply want our loved ones back and may unconsciously think they do what they do on purpose. It is difficult to admit our loved ones are dying by inches and those inches are from their brains.
While deteriorating could be physically, it more likely refers to some kind of cognitive decline - those are the ones that tend to try our patience!
I do agree that knowledge is important. During the good and better times, find time to learn all you can. Being aware of what's happening and perhaps why is helpful. Having ideas about how to deflect those not so happy times can get both OP and wife through some of the difficulties (redirecting, refocusing, not correcting or criticizing or reminding, taking a deep breath and, if possible, a break when those moments happen are some of the many ways WE can learn to cope.) Learning these "tricks" along with learning to "live" her reality (so long as it doesn't involve anything unsafe!) are useful tools to have in our pockets.
How would you want to be treated ? How would you like someone to be towards you if you were stubborn or asked questions again and again , or lost control of your bladder , or fell ill ? Do that .
That helped me tremendously when my grandmother started to slip. I hope it works for you .
L
I saw your recommdationf for the poem..
I:ll look it up too.
I am caring for mother wit vascular or mixed dementia... Kept falling but insisted on only using a cane.. Fell in April.... Became incontinent and unable to walk or stand..
On hospice now
In my experience caregiving for my in-laws before they moved to indy living and while my MIL was still alive, there were things for which I had all the patience in the world while not for other things. Ask yourself if you really need to be the person doing the things for which you seek more patience and understanding. You do not have to do it all!
All these questions have already been asked. If you answer 'yes' to any of them, then you need some help at home with your wife.
Bring in some outside professional caregiving services to help out.
You have to still have some kind of life for yourself that doesn't include your wife and taking care of her. A caregiver's patience level drops quick if they enjoy nothing for themselves and have no life outside of caregiving for someone.
Hire some homecare services. Get some help for your wife. Then take some time for yourself do some activities that you enjoy with the peace of mind that your wife is being taken care of.
You will see your patience with her will increase when you're taking time to get away from the caregiving role.
Complex answer - Whatever health challenges you and your wife are handling, please don't try to go it alone. Her health care needs must be met - but your needs must be met as well. Get more helpers so you have time to sleep 7-9 hours every day, eat 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, time to get your health needs met, and "time off" so you can relax and even enjoy something fun.
Whatever condition she has, being better informed will help you deal with it.
You are losing your wife slowly it seems. Know that this ongoing ambiguous loss needs to be grieved. I am sorry both of you are going through this.
Best of luck with a difficult situation. Remember that you're doing the best you can in terms of patience. Nobody is a saint, so try not to be too hard on yourself, ok?
Pray. Pray for Jehovah Jireh ( God supplies ) to help you gain more patience and understanding.
It has worked for me for many decades under very stressful situations.
Contact Focus on the Family with recourses to help you. https://www.focusonthefamily.com
or in Canada https://www.focusonthefamily.ca
They have free counselling to get you in contact with agencies that will help you.