It is very very difficult to not say "But we discussed that this morning; don't you REMEMBER". It is hard to accept that no, they honestly don't remember. I think there is a lot of anxiety we have for the future, trying to guess how it will be, when it will be, and difficult to stay in these days that are mostly "pretty good". Wishing you the best.
I try so hard to not say those words. It seems they are on the tip of my tongue multiple times a day. And if I do have to say them, he'll angrily respond, "No, you are the one who doesn't remember, stop making things up."
I am working on that exact problem! I am learning to go with God, to read a prayer every morning, and sometime before each situation where I will need added patience or understanding. I hope this helps you, too.
My faith and the faith of my friends have seen me through. In the midst of my caregiving of 89 year old partner, I had a heart attack and 3 way bypass and still in rehab. Thank God a friend stayed 24/7 with my partner until she got her health back (had been in hospital 3 times in December/January and was still unable to get out of bed by herself the morning of my heart attack (I'm 80 and thought I was in excellent health). My friends and church family have prayed hard and I understand I am recovering faster than anyone else from a bypass. Our minister (non-denominational) had before this brought me a book called the Tao Ching for Caregivers. I may not understand every page but reading one a day really helped me. It is a small booklet.
Read the poem, “Do Not Ask Me to Remember” by Owen Darnell. It helped me put things in perspective and reorganize my thinking when I got overwhelmed. I just lost my father two weeks ago and I wouldn’t trade a minute of our struggles with Alzheimer’s, sundowning, long nites, accidents, confusion/anger, etc. I feel honored that I could be with him as he deteriorated. I was there with him for his last breath and was at peace knowing he was finally out of a mind and body that were no longer working. It’s not easy, but your loved one will appreciate your unconditional love. Good luck and God bless you!
I saw your recommdationf for the poem.. I:ll look it up too.
I am caring for mother wit vascular or mixed dementia... Kept falling but insisted on only using a cane.. Fell in April.... Became incontinent and unable to walk or stand.. On hospice now
Complex answer - Whatever health challenges you and your wife are handling, please don't try to go it alone. Her health care needs must be met - but your needs must be met as well. Get more helpers so you have time to sleep 7-9 hours every day, eat 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, time to get your health needs met, and "time off" so you can relax and even enjoy something fun.
I can empathize, I struggle with that at times. I think it's different for everyone but I find it's helpful for me to do something I enjoy, take a break, and spirituality is important to me so that helps me. I have found forgiving myself for having those feelings is okay.
I find it sweet that you care enough about your wife that you want to build patience and understanding. You can allow yourself to grieve as you watch her deteriorate, it is okay.
Pretend it's you . Pretend that you are the one losing coherence . How would you want to be treated ? How would you like someone to be towards you if you were stubborn or asked questions again and again , or lost control of your bladder , or fell ill ? Do that .
That helped me tremendously when my grandmother started to slip. I hope it works for you .
Enjoy the good times, grieve the bad times, and take some time away from care giving that's devoted just for YOU. Consider respite care for a week or two for your wife while you take some well deserved down time to rest & recuperate.
Best of luck with a difficult situation. Remember that you're doing the best you can in terms of patience. Nobody is a saint, so try not to be too hard on yourself, ok?
Most of these answers are helpful to me although I didn't post it. I think we are who and what we are, not saints and to expect more places a huge additional burden on our overloaded plates. Last night was one of the worst with my mother and I was not nice, even more disturbing to me was that I did not care. She was not only up in the wee hours, she made her way into the spare bedroom and into the closet where my winter clothes are and I had taken a top for her own and put it on, refusing to take it off and also peeing on the carpet and in her pants. It really had me questioning how much longer can this go on.
I saw your recommdationf for the poem..
I:ll look it up too.
I am caring for mother wit vascular or mixed dementia... Kept falling but insisted on only using a cane.. Fell in April.... Became incontinent and unable to walk or stand..
On hospice now
Complex answer - Whatever health challenges you and your wife are handling, please don't try to go it alone. Her health care needs must be met - but your needs must be met as well. Get more helpers so you have time to sleep 7-9 hours every day, eat 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, time to get your health needs met, and "time off" so you can relax and even enjoy something fun.
How would you want to be treated ? How would you like someone to be towards you if you were stubborn or asked questions again and again , or lost control of your bladder , or fell ill ? Do that .
That helped me tremendously when my grandmother started to slip. I hope it works for you .
L
Whatever condition she has, being better informed will help you deal with it.
You are losing your wife slowly it seems. Know that this ongoing ambiguous loss needs to be grieved. I am sorry both of you are going through this.
Best of luck with a difficult situation. Remember that you're doing the best you can in terms of patience. Nobody is a saint, so try not to be too hard on yourself, ok?