How can I help my mom be more independent?

I was 32 when my mother had an accident which left her with physical and mental disabilities. I decided at that time I would not care for her. She was a bit older than your mother at 64, but still relatively young. I decided not to move closer to her but help champion her physical and mental recovery from afar.

I made this decision as I was living overseas, had just meet someone who would become my husband and eventually the father of my children. I eventually moved closer but still remained her champion, but not carer. I would not let her live with me and I prioritized my kids and career. I did this because I wanted to provide my kids with the best life possible and enjoyed my career.

My point is this; had I jumped to care for her, I would have missed out on the most important things in my life, especially time with my kids. I know she would have loved for me to help and care for her, but I needed to prioritize my kids and my own happiness and mental health. That doesn't mean I loved her any less, just that as adults we have to make hard decisions. I was always polite as I don't think setting boundaries makes you rude, unkind or unloving.

My mother will be 91 this year. If I had dropped everything to care for her, I think my life would be empty and joyless. I have had done and experienced so much in the years since her accident. I am now your mothers age, and I can't ever imagine putting the pressure she is putting on you on my own kids.

My recommendation, be very firm and set very clear boundaries. If she doesn't want to abide by them, walk away. It will be harder as she lives with you, but you need find another place for her. The short-term time and effort commitment to find somewhere else for her will be worth it a thousand times over.

Help her find a job and pick out a place of her own. She probably is just as frustrated. She isn’t old, she should be quite capable and you might better enjoy living near each other without living in the same space.

Others here have mentioned the stress on your mother of divorce plus a move to a new area, but as I read it that happened three years ago. If she had been a self-sufficient and stable person before the divorce and the move, I would think she should have been able to moved on by now from these upheavals. Perhaps she was always a passive, dependent person and this pattern is continuing. In 20-20 hindsight, letting this situation go on for three years was not a good idea and the linger it continues in this stasis the harder I'm sure you all are finding it to break out of the pattern. What should be concerning is her lack of common inhibitions (coming into your bedroom) and her forgetfulness. Stress and anxiety can cause the latter, but not the former. What kind of skills, education, and work history does she have? that makes a big difference in how you and she might begin to address the situation. If you could even get her to start small by volunteering somewhere it might help her start to develop some confidence, social ties, and skills she could use if/when she seeks aid employment. If she likes animals, perhaps volunteer work at a shelter might be good; animals are not judgmental and your mom could be helpful without having to deal with more social interaction than she may be ready for at this point. And being a shelter volunteer involves some physical activity, and that might be good too as your mom sounds as though she's pretty inactive. But you shouldn't discount the onset of some kind of impairment, whether that is early onset dementia or something else, and need to make sure all possible medical and psychological issues are evaluated.

I too only read a few responses.

I think your Mom is going through depression. Unless she had been diagnosed for early memory loss, the leaving the stove on, short term memory loss, etc. is due to the severe change and stress that divorce brings, regardless of the conditions of the marriage. Then she moved, on top of that.

I suspect the underlying issue is that she has no friends or support now that she has moved to a new area. Therefore, you are not only the friend, but also the support. You, yes you, need to help her get assimilated into the area. Instead of just talking about zumba and church, both you and she go do it. Instead of talking about senior activities, research together and drop her off to do it. Then think about transportation. How is she going to get to where these activities might be?

Look for volunteer opportunities that are outside the home. That will give her an opportunity to go meet people and get to know them. At first, drop her off. Then later, you figure out how she is going to get there. Go on the LYFT or Uber with her. Show her how to do it. Talk is not good enough when one is insecure about transportation. She needs to get out of the house and put into a situation where she can meet others. Not easy if you have moved into a new community. Even harder if you are rural.

She really has had 2 "whammies" in her life, all happening at the same time. 1) divorce -- which changes your friend and support group and 2) moving -- which changes everything she knows about the area.

In order to get her to be more independent, you need to address both "whammies".

About the friend on the internet....get her to meet people in person. It sounds like she is the perfect candidate for catfishing.

Do she do lists? If so, put together a list of things she has to check before she leaves the house. Keep the list close to the door so that she can remember to use it Bad direction? Teach her to use Google Maps and connect your phone to hers so that you know where she is at all times. Can't remember to take the phone? See if you can get a lanyard to hang the phone around her neck. Attach the keys to the house on that lanyard.

I commend you for taking her into your house. However, you are going to have to take the initiative to help her meet new people and how to get around in the community that you live in.

P.S. Get a lock on your bedroom door and make sure you use it.

Hi, I only read a couple of the responses you received and please don't pay much attention to them! You state your mother is 55 and does things like leaving oven on, etc. Has your mother been diagnosed with any mental issues? If not, then I would have a talk with her about the things she is doing and maybe figure out a way around it - like set a louder alarm/timer for the oven. She may not be hearing if she sets the timer. Have you checked into her living in a retirement community where they will also have services that she may need later. I am not sure what her income is like or your area but I would check with them. Not sure what kind of work she did prior but at 55 she is not on Social Security/or Retirement benefits yet so she needs to have some type of job, otherwise how is she affording herself? a lot of companies are hiring people to work at home - if she knows how to use a PC. Somehow she needs to get a car and a cell phone with GPS! Then she can drive the boyfriend around - also he may be able to move into the Retirement Community too. They start at 55 years old and older. It is fine to have a parent live with you BUT if it is overwhelming for you then you need to make some adjustments. First thing I would do is lock my bedroom and bathroom doors! You said she does not pay any of the bills then she should have the money to take a Uber, etc to take her places. Check her health insurance some of them have free transportation to doctor's appointments.
I am 70 years old and live alone and work a part time job at home, I also drive and have GPS. When I was 55 I worked a full time job and supported myself. So, I just think some mental issues are happening and you need to make sure of this.
By the way, some people on here are very against a mother living with their adult child but people, it just depends on the people involved. I lived with my daughter when she had my first grandbaby and I took care of the baby all weekend so she could rest. She and her boyfriend always asked me to come out of my room to watch our favorite program together and we would order take out. We never had a problem with boundaries. Currently my daughter and I are looking for a house to rent together, along with her current boyfriend. They have 3 kids and haven't been out for ages so when I can I go over so they can go out but living together will help them out greatly. Two of the kids are autistic. So people need to stop being so hateful about it!

Kalicat: Your mother is a young dysfunctional woman who has also attracted a dysfunctional man. She should be in a low cost apartment. Do not enable her any longer.

Has Mom always been a dependant type of person?

If so, now divorced + dependant?

My aim would be to encorouge her towards making a great new life for herself.

You do not need to FIX her life for her.

But you could HELP by;
1. researching & suggesting SUPPORT groups:
faith based, women's help group, councelling.
Prod her to go.
(I see you have been..)

2. arrange a MEDICAL appointment for a thorough checkup: general health, memory & mood screening.

The big ones to rule out - or get diagnosed & treatment for are;
* depression & other mental health
* dementia
* diabetes
* dependance on alcohol or drugs

Then see where that takes your Mom.. Health treatment plan? Therapy? New support groups? Re-training skill classes? A new job?

Next steps will be for Mom to move out & into her OWN space. If living alone does not appeal (as you mentioned) then what other options exist? +55 community? Or even a sharehouse (Golden Girls style). Some women find a whole new chapter of life & it becomes the BEST chapter of their life.

A friend did just that. Thought about what she REALLY wanted in life. To swim in the ocean! Sold up everthing in her rural life. Bought a townhouse she could afford in an area she could afford, rented it out & rents near a beach.
Now swims in the ocean.

PS. "She's in her own space on the property?"
Seriously re-think this solution.
Listen to your warning bells.
Mom will still be dependant on you.

I am weighing in to give some perspective as a person in your mom's age cohort who has two sons in your age group. I am 53 years old and obtaining my doctorate. Many of my instructors are well into their 70s, if not older. In every way, I plan on being active and employed until I push up daisies. I am not saying your mother needs to attain a graduate degree, but there are countless opportunities for embarking on a new career and life path. It is not a daughter's job to parent or motivate her mother. Your mother needs to carve out an existence outside of you. I would never put this type of burden on my sons, nor would they allow me to mistreat them this way. The other posters correctly say these issues will only escalate as your mother ages. My 75-year-old mother lives with me and my husband, and it is very challenging as an only child. You should heed the posters' advice and take action sooner rather than later.
You are inviting a host of co-dependency and enmeshment issues, not to mention compromising your relationship with your partner. As to your mom's health, it appears that she needs a thorough evaluation. Is she menopausal? Cognitive issues can be related to the abrupt loss of estrogen and progesterone. In many cases, hormone replacement therapy can solve the problem. Also, consider involving a neutral third-party, like a mental health counselor to guide you through the detachment process. Schedule an initial appointment to get the support you need. Then, work towards a group session with your mom where the counselor can take the helm and hold a mirror up to your mom's behavior non-threateningly. Where is your sibling in all of this? You need to enlist his/her help in this effort by becoming a united front and not shoulder all the responsibility.

Stay strong, and remember you deserve a life independent of your mother!

Something is deeply wrong with your mother. How can a 55-year-old grown a$$ woman not know how to take care of herself? And, how does she not know simple, common-sense boundaries?

She either has special needs or perhaps has a form of Dementia, because no responsible adult acts that way. The fact that she "frequently" leaves the burner on, is a giant red flag that something is WRONG.

You may have to take her to a neurologist ASAP to see what is wrong.

You need to find out what's wrong, so that you can take the next steps from there. If she has a form of Dementia, she will eventually need a full-time caregiver.

It is pass time of being polite, first of all put some locks on your bedroom door. It sounds like she wants to catch you in the act of intimacy. You’re lucky you’re boyfriend is so caring because a lot of men would have left you, Unless your mom has Alzheimer’s or a low IQ, she should never enter your bedroom. 55 is way too young to be dependent. I’m 68 and would never want to live with my child or expect them to take care of me.
Unless she is sick, quit taking her to the doctors except once or twice a year. She might need anti/depressants or she might just be a narcissist like my friend’s mother was that destroyed her children’s lives because of the same thing you’re doing. You need to quit feeling sorry for her because it doesn’t sound like she cares about your life. Do you really want to be taking care of her for the next 25 or more years. If you do get a place with a mother-in-laws apt, you need to set limits on her coming into your house and never let a boyfriend that is handicapped move in with her because you will be taking care of him too. Read up about narcissistic mothers because it sounds like she is one.

* Polite is being compassionate, which is a wonderful awareness to have - and is essential/desired when managing communication and needs with loved ones.
"Polite," means speaking in a calm voice with clarity of what your needs are.

Setting boundaries, limits doesn't mean you do not care, it means you do care.
The situation needs to work for all of you in the household.

* Write down what your needs are. Have a list available.
* Limit 'explanation' as over-explaining usually means a person feels guilty, bad, etc for what they assert - it gives your personal power away.
- In the moment you feel something is not right, speak up. Do not hold it in. Holding it in is, in part, why you are in the situation you are in now.
- This is new behavior for you (asserting yourself). It will feel awkward and you may feel trepidatious / timid to speak up. Do it anyway. You could start with "This is hard for me to say ... then say it." "I don't want to hurt you although I need to tell you XXX".

* You are not able to 'push' her - you can offer her options to check out herself perhaps (if she can) - or you do the research:

Again, depends on her cognitive abilities/functioning:

- where places are hiring for her to get a job
- Volunteer organizations
- Meet Ups
* Then it is up to her to pursue / follow-thru. If she does not, you need to make another arrangement - perhaps discussing her living elsewhere.

* Based on her cognitive capacity: She is NOW ACCUSTOM to doing / being as she has been. It is 'easy street' for her. She may (certainly) not 'like' new rules or guidelines for living in your space. Expect her to react. Hold your ground, in a nice way. Take small steps although do not give in. Revisit your 'list' with her regularly to see how she is doing (to meet your needs).

If she has dementia, she should not be 'bringing any man home." This puts her in tremendous risk, as it does you/r family.

Whatever the relationship is with this man --- or if not him, it might be another man down the road, insure that all your mother's financial documents are in order - (you/beneficiary) and if it were me / my mother (esp on my property), I would do a criminal check and by all means ask him for a copy of his driver's license. You need to be as careful as you can be (esp nowadays). You mother is an 'easy target' for men - they smell a vulnerable older woman a mile away.
* Tell you mom: If you date / have men come over, they needs to provide me XXX" --- end of story / no discussion. If she doesn't go along with this, they she doesn't live in your home.
DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS SITUATION.

You are very young and you are doing too much, which really will not help her overall. Thank you for reaching out. You did good contacting us.

Gena / Touch Matters

Time to get your mom evaluated for early onset dementia and get her placed in Assisted Living or have her moved into a 55+ residential housing complex near public transportation and get her a companion/assistant (who will, more than likely, use the public transportation, too.)

You are the captain of your own ship; live your best life and set healthy boundaries of self-protection.

One more thing you could begin researching is the retirement homes or facilities near you. If you feel like you’ve found a few good ones , get her out in a field trip to look at them with you.

but fist , pcp and lawyer .

Kali,

I feel your pain .

Many of the answers in this forum fall back on harsh measures and dimentia diagnosis, evictions , pushing her into doing things she doesn’t want to.

I am not sure how this works when all you can control is how you react to your mother not how your mother behaves and what she wants.

also, it’s easy to advise you to separate and disengage but it’s quite another thing in practice.

first of all, realize that 55 is entirely too young for her to be having these issues. Understand that you absolutely have to work out some strategy for the near future to change your situation. Don’t put time limits on anything , just make some decisions and proceed as they go, don’t force things.

secondly, it sounds like your mom is very open to visiting doctors ( this was not the case with my mother). This tells me that she still trusts doctors to “fix” things, this is really good. I would talk to her pcp about the situation and strategize with them about next steps. They can be your true partner in this transition.

she could listen to her doctor and accept their recommendations over your recommendations and pleas . Have your doc suggest that she needs to think about the future and where she is right now. Have the doc suggest a Med exam to asses all of her capabilities not just mental. She may be really resistant to accepting that there is something wrong with her mind. However, if it’s in the context of an overall assessment , she maybe more open to it.

then, work on the next thing , whatever it may be, as suggested by her doctor and , maybe, other professionals that you consult such as a social worker ( not sure how this is done).

I believe the key is not to rip out the tree with its roots , but remove each branch methodically and with respect.

take it simply one step at a time. First the talk with pcp. ( make a video or in office appnt for yourself so that you can have a frank duscussion with them alone, without your mom).

then, once you decide with pcp on short term plan) , take the next step.

it may take longer than you want or hope, but you’ll feel better about this slow and respectful approach.

again , lean on the fact that she goes to the doctors. Don’t jump too far ahead, look only at what’s in front of you now.

you may have to sacrifice a bit more of your personal life, but you’ll be able to eventually get her to a respectful point of living the rest of her life in circumstances where she can have independence ( such as it is).

oh , one more thing. Try and obtain some financial and medical control . It maybe a power of attorney or some other thing. Others here have suggested a lawyer . Maybe a good idea to consult one to get some contr of what’s happening in her finances and medical decisions .

there, you now have two things you can set up today to start the ball rolling.

good luck , look only at what’s in front of you.

short and to the point - the answers I read are great... get mom diagnosed - what you described seems like she needs a facility.
You are young and this is an eye opener... but a lot is going to be learned on your end. Fiance I hope is supportive and while you don't have children now it will be easier to learn these things now.
Try Depart of aging in your area, get a social worker through her doctor. If a facility is not what you may need try a group home. Ask about medicaid, and assistance. Oh prayers for you and your family!

1. You mention confusion and memory challenges.....
Have your mother fully assessed by a PCP to establish any diagnosable health concerns such as possible dementia or others.

2. Speak honestly and lovingly with her about safety concerns associated with her " seeing other people/ namely ' dating' . This should be discouraged not encouraged. For social support she could certainly find that in a senior center or church perhaps.

3. Speak with an Elder Law Attorney to be sure that you understand your states directions re caring for elderly, your and their expectations, accountability, financial and otherwise

4. You and your mother are in a fragile situation. Some form of professional counseling, guidance will be paramount to you both trying to make appropriate decisions and changes toward a quality of life for you both. A social services ( Licensed Social Worker) usually may help look at options. Possibly your mother could qualify for some form of subsidized senior housing that would let her live independent.
Remember there is a saying " there is no house big enough for two families ( women)"

You deserve a quality of life with your fiance/ husband. Do not let guilt etc block you from seeking help to find a mutually agreeable solution. There may be grief and other emotions during this time, but with appropriate support you can both move forward toward healthy( ier) relationship. She may need counseling. You may need counseling.
At the present time it sounds like that out of love you may be unintentionally enabling her dependence on you or allowing her to manipulate you ( perhaps unintentionally)....

Get help !

Welcome to our 4th new member of the morning. We must have been mentioned on a website. I have never seen so many "newbies" on Forum before, and how good it is to have you all!

You have painted yourself in a corner here, Kali, and your long message tells me you and hubby recognize that's the case. Your well-meaning actions have enabled mom, and now you are all kind of stuck.

First thing I would suggest is that you and hubby and mom have a sit-down to discuss things you have told us. That you had thought this was a good idea, but that it isn't working for you, and it's making you question your ability to have your OWN family going forward.
Tell Mom you are glad she moved to the same area, but that she needs now to find a way to live more independently. Let her know the things that worry you about driving and etc; she may need to live in town, a rented room, a duplex or some such. Encourage an MD check up to see if she is suffering anxiety at all (it can mimic dementia very well).

Hard to know where to tell you to start, as this has been going on for a bit. But honesty is the first stop, and MD appointment the second. Update us if you will after an honest talk with your mom.
My best to you.

Does she have money? How is she going to support herself in her old age? For reference, my Mom’s assisted living apartment is $7500 a month .. my dads memory care apartment is $6300 a month. Are you going to be able to afford that for her for the rest of her life?

I think politeness should not be your primary concern here. Don’t tip toe around her or walk on eggshells. Say what you mean.

Oh. Heck to the no!!!! First, get her to the doc for a diagnosis about her memory issues. It may be the beginnings of dementia or it may be that she's depressed and bored and that that's the way it is evidencing. If she can use a cell phone, she can use Wayz or Google maps. If she is unable to drive, she needs to use Uber or Lyft. She is way too young for you to become her full-time caregiver. She needs to either get a job tout de suite or apply for welfare (if she's eligible). She has to get out of your house. If she has dementia or a mental illness that prevents her from working see if the state can assist with getting her into an appropriate program. I say this as someone who is deeply enmeshed with caring for my mother, but I did this as an older person. Do not toss your young life away. Caring for your mom should not mean giving up your life.

First put a lock on your bedroom door, second assertiveness has to be at a level they can hear you.
Im 58 and there’s no way I’d live with my daughter but her father had no problem bc he was a child looking for a mother. Oh the stories.

There is great advice and suggestions already here for you, the hardest thing is applying it.

If you don’t stand up for yourself it becomes a life long problem, that’s something my daughter struggles with even after her Dad passed.

Im sorry you’re in this situation, you had good intentions.

Kalicat -- I'm not adding anything new here, but listen to the same advice one more time: You are too young to be taking care of your also too young 55 year old mother. If your mother can't take care of herself, you both need to find an assisted living facility for her. I know there are personal care homes all over the South, so find one. She needs her own life, and more importantly, YOU need your own life. You shouldn't be restricting your ENTIRE life for her. Not having kids because you have to take care of your mother? Can you hear how wrong that is? And NO normal mother would want to hear that from their child, either. Seriously. Apparently this whole situation is up to you, so choose wisely. Find somewhere else for your mother to live and you live your own life.

I’m an RN Case Manager, Geriatric Care Manager. I’m so sorry for your situation. You are young and we’re trying to do a good thing. Unfortunately it’s not good for your mother, you or your boyfriend. You are enabling codependency which is not good. (You may want to consider going to Aanon not for living with alcoholism but for enabling)
it sounds from your description like she has early onset dementia or a mental health problem. If not she’s very manipulative. I’m not sure what health insurance she has but you must get her evaluated. Once you know her diagnosis you can work with the appropriate professionals to develop a plan. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and your local county department that assists people. Get to the right person. As if there is a case manager you can talk to. Go from there. good luck.

Hi,
I hope you have realised from the very good answers here that the issue with your Mother and yourself needs help?
You do need to see someone or go to a group, because you don't have any boundaries with your Mom. She knocks once and enters?
You didn't say if she had mental health or cognition problems? I assume she does, if you don't like the idea of her driving and she gets lost?
You have a right to your own life, I hope you understand that. What advice does your Father give you?
I know it must seem daunting, but you actually want to get her out of your life, not onto the next property. SHE CANNOT BRING THIS NEW GUY, he is just another burden. What type of housing is he in, can your Mother go into this type of housing?
I know you feel responsible for her, but you're not. Is she a fully functioning adult? Does she need your care or has she just manipulated a situation that she found herself in after the divorce? Please go and talk to someone, you can't see the forest for the trees, this is not your responsibility. You must have a very understanding partner.
Some ground rules, like - she cannot come into your bedroom when the door is shut, don't bother knocking. These are all boundaries, and they help look after everyone.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you are looking at another 20 years of this, if not more, in that time can you see yourself living a life that you want, where she doesn't impact negatively on your relationship and your choices?

I was just a couple of years older than you when my parents got divorced. My mother had never lived alone before and relied on me for everything. Fortunately she was set financially and she bought an antique house to move into. It required a lot of work. I worked full time and had my own house (the family house which I stayed in when my parents moved out because of special needs animals) which needed work as well. It took six months before I could have dinner alone at my house. She kept finding excuses to have me come over then when I got there I’d find that she changed her mind about whatever work the house needed and had made dinner for two. I was doing all the household repairs at the beginning and I had to teach her how to find professionals to do the job. She finally started calling professionals instead of me. It took many months of both joint and individual counseling to help me reinforce limits. When she heard someone else repeat what I tried saying she got the message. Not only was she able to learn how to live on her own but she also eventually moved thousands of miles from me or my brother! Once she finally found her independence she was happier than she had ever been before in her life and a lot of people saw her as a role model! Now that she is in her 90s she still wants to live independently even though now she needs help, and I am now having to help her adjust to the idea of having someone in daily to do things for her!

There is hope and it can be done gently but effectively. Counseling is a very good place to start and you may need to teach your mother some skills but in the end you can regain your freedom and she may go on to find a new, very happy life! You do have to stand firm as everyone has said and a counselor can help with that, but it is worth it and it may make your relationship stronger when you are on equal grounds.
Best of luck!

Kali , Does your mom Have a Diagnosis ? Prior head Injury , Dementia - The confusion Of Not being able to drive and follow sequential order ( Thats what GPS is for ) Cognitive Impairment such as leaving the stove on and Burners , inability to respect Boundaries . Now you Know why your Sibling Moved Out of the Country . You Need a Diagnosis and a social worker . Has your Mom Been in car accidents or Unexplained falls ? It sounds Like a Mental Illness or Dementia . The Idea Of Buying a Larger home with a In Law apartment is Understandable But Having a disabled boyfriend is Off The Charts . All You have to say Is " I can't afford him. " Does your Mom Get Social security for disability ? It Maybe time to pursue that avenue she will Need Medicare . # 1- Get her to her primary care Doctor and explain everything you Listed On the forum and ask for a proper diagnosis . They May send her to a Nuerologist who will do a MRI of her brain and a cognitive test and then Hopefully send her to a Nueropsychologist for further testing . #2 - get yourself a Therapist or a support group to discuss womans issues - Your In a Co Dependent relationship with your Mother . # 3 - Your Mother needs a car or her own Living space . How can she get to the YMCA or Zumba - Can see Bike there ? # 4 - Make her Pay some rent or in exchange for rent do some chores Like Laundry and gardening . I Had a similar Mother who wanted me to take care of her forgetting I had Goals and a life of my Own . I had to set a Lot of Boundaries and be In therapy . She did help Out with my Grand son . She always had her own apartment . I think if you approach this smartly you can accomplish some goals . Can she start a gardening Project and sell her food at a farmers market ? A Boutique on Etsy - Does she have any Skills Like Knitting ? Your Mom Needs to be in therapy too . All I can tell you is you can Not sacrifice your Life for her Life . Make yourself and your Life a priority . She is Not a child - she Maybe a Invalid or have mental problems which You can Not fix . I do a few online things Like courses at Upaya Zen Center they are free or by donation . Sigrid Olsen has a meditation class on Mondays at 5 Pm . She could Volunteer at the Library . Perhaps do some fun things Like go to the Farmers market with her . Read Books on healthy Boundaries . Plan a seaside trip with your Mom . Sending you Love and healing .

I can't imagine how much harder your life as a wife (and potentially, a mother) will be with your mother's presence and dependence infusing every moment of every day.

Sounds like your mom has major depression. That's HER problem to fix, not yours.

You and your fiance should sit down with her and say, "So you've been here for 3 years and done nothing about being more independent. This is not how we want our married life to look like. You have 2 months to make a new plan, and we'll help you, but by August 1, know that you won't be here anymore."

You deserve better, honey. Don't let her suck you dry.

You and your mom are much too you g to be dealing with this! 55 is middle age.

How can you help your mom be more independent?

First, you need to figure out why she is so DEPENDENT in the first place.

If you think it is a cognitive capacity issue, then you need to have her get an assessment so that you can know what you are dealing with. If she has early onset dementia/ALZ - then you have a clear(ish) path or at least you have a better understanding of why she needs additional help. And from there you look for options to help her (and yourself) improve quality of life, and for her to live as independently as possible - and separate from you. A memory care facility, group home or something similar that will give her a more independent situation and give you more space to start your life with your fiance.

The other scenario is learned helplessness. You said that your mother's marriage was ending when she moved in with you. You don't say that your PARENTS' marriage was ending. I'm going to take a leap and assume it was maybe her second marriage? Has she ever stood on her own?

This is certainly not indicative of all women who go from their parents' home to living with their husbands, I know I'm fiercely independent and I got married at 21 and went straight from my parents' home to the one I've shared with my DH for almost 30 years now (while I was still in college even) and I am FIERCELY independent. But sometimes women who follow this path never learn to stand on their own and become very dependent on their husbands. If they lose them (through death or divorce) they need to find someone to transfer that dependency to. Sometimes that is their next husband. Sometimes that is a return to their parents. And sometimes that is their children.

If that is the case with your mother - she has learned to be dependent. And if she has learned to be dependent (and there is no other cognitive capacity issue) then she can learn to be independent too. If she needs job skills, there is training for that, if she needs housing, there are options for that.

But you also ask how to do it politely. I'm afraid manners may not be an easy ask on this one. You may be able to start that way - but you may not be able to maintain "polite" or "gentle" or any adjective that includes a softer touch if it is just about her *wanting* to be dependent and not *needing* to be dependent for a capacity reason.

Has your mom been diagnosed with Dementia I think start getting her diagnosed and if not ask her Doctor for advise but the boyfriend big No the next thing you know he will be moving in and the in-law sweet No mom needs her own place and if she has early Dementia there are group homes I know it sounds harsh but for your sanity and your Fiancée you all need a life and you have none it’s harsh but if you don’t act now you might loose your Fiancée and yourself for that matter!! You need your life back and trust me it’s ok don’t feel quirky about it plus your mom will be happier because if this continues it will get worse Good Luck to you 🙏🏼

Write a note to her doctor describing stove issues and no motivation. Then ask to have her evaluated for early onset dementia. If she does have it, she w.lill rapidly get much worse. If she has it, she can apply for SS disability but be careful how she spends that money