How can I help my mom be more independent?

OMG!!! Your mom is ONLY 55 years old and you describe her like she's 90. Please STOP! Just stop!
She is using and abusing you and your fiancé, and if you don't change things soon the new boyfriend will using and abusing you too.
First, mom should NOT be living with you. PERIOD. Not in your house or a building on your property. It's time your mom grows up and starts taking responsibility for her own life.
She needs to get a job, a car, and her own place. There is low income housing available in all cities, so she can start there.
And you my dear, need to put your big girl panties on and let mom know that she has until the end of June to find her own place, and a job, as you won't be supporting her any longer. I mean really? Don't you think you've done enough up to this point? And wouldn't you and your fiancé like to be able to start your life together without mom hanging around and walking in on you?
It's mind boggling to me what some people put up with. You don't owe your mom a thing. You know that right?
And again, your mom is ONLY 55 years old. That's not old for your information. She has at least 10 more years that she should be working, and being a productive member of society.
So time to tell her that it's time to fly the nest and start spreading her wings on her own.

You have created and/or allowed for a situation where a young woman of 55 years old is 100% reliant on you for all of her needs and now want to know how to "politely" ask her to become independent? I don't know, is the answer to that question, since she's been treated like a small child up until now! Furthermore, she's hooked up with another dysfunctional adult male who requires care and maintenance as she does. This is a recipe for disaster for YOU if you're not very careful!

The last thing I'd do is move her or the bf onto my property, but away from it and into her own place where she can live however she sees fit. As an adult. And where you can live as as a 24 year old should be living......free from the burden of such a needy mother weighing so heavily on you!

Help her find low cost housing, a car and then get set up in the new place with food, supplies, etc. Get her an appointment with her PCP for a full medical workup to see if there's a reason for her memory issues. If she refuses all of this, see a lawyer about issuing her an eviction notice. My half sister had to do that very thing w her 38 year old deadbeat daughter who won't lift a finger to help out and has lived free of charge w her, jobless, all these years. She created the situation and had to hire a lawyer to get her OUT of it.


Enabling a person to this degree actually winds up disabling them, my friend. Once you allow your mom independence, she will discover what she's capable of. Until then, she's capable of nothing that's not done FOR her by YOU.

Best of luck to you.

Because ur young I am going to explain Social Security to you. Your Mom will be able to collect 100% when she is 67. SS only goes back 35 yrs from when u apply for SS. So at 67 SS only looks at Moms earnings from 32 up. Lets say that Mom does not work the next 12 yrs. Her SS will be based on 23 yrs of earnings. Now, if she was married to ex over 10 yrs she will be entitled to half of her Exs SS but may not be enough for her to live on.

You should have never allowed her to live off you. She should be supporting herself. Paying u rent. Even if you don't feel you need the rent, you could set up and acct for her (without her knowledge) for something she may need in the future.

I agree that you need to get Mom to the doctor and get her a good physical. Mom should not be like this at 55. You are so disabling her. And her friend, he is not your problem. Your Mom and he need to understand you will not be allowing them to live with you and not to look to you for any financial help if they plan on living together. They will be on their own.

Why do you not have locks on your bedroom door and the bathroom? Where was Mom raised where it was OK to walk into a couples bedroom and into a bathroom someone is using.

Your Mom is really young but there is early onset Dementia and ur Mom is displaying some symptoms. She should have a Neurological work up to. Print off what you have written and make sure tge doctors she sees get a copy, Once Mom gets a physical, you can then make plans on getting her independent.

First take mom to the doctor since you said you thinks she’s dangerous alone with a stove , and driving.
Go from there to see an appropriate place for her to live BUT NOT WITH YOU .
Like the others said low income apartment , with access to public transportation to hopefully a job.
If the doc says she can’t live alone ask for help with a social worker for possibly a group home situation , where she could possibly take the bus to some sort of job for other adults with limitations .
If she has dementia , social worker can help with placement for that .

Hi Kalicat - actually lealonnie and funkygrandma just elaborated all great points and feedback - and I agree with it all !! I hope you read over their messages - over and over to really sink in!

I think the only thing I can add is.....OMG, I understand you had the best intentions to help your mother at the time, but in essence, it enabled her to become totally dependent on you...you've literally removed any reason for her to have purpose in her life - to have a livelihood and earn a living - and handle her life as the adult...because you have allowed her to sit back and be taken care of! It's just about the worst thing you could do for her own future! So, in knowing that, just understand that flipping this around and "undoing" all of this is for her own benefit.

It's a hard call to say it to her "politely" - but I understand it. When it came to my own parents years ago, I also had that problem of not directly saying things because I couldn't find a delicate or polite way, and believe me, they full took advantage, and it only hurt me in the long run. So, if it's easier to convey whatever you need, you can fib a little to be more comfortable in discussing...such as, you can tell her that you can't build the house for her on your property due to zoning laws, or city regulations, or financial constraints, or whatever you come up with! And you can spin it in a positive for her to gain employment...such as, she'll have independence, earn money, her days will be more fulfilling, her brain will keep active, etc - whatever it is, she should still be working at 55 yrs old and expanding her life. And she can't live in your house with you and your fiance - and you can "politely" explain that this arrangement was only temporary and it was never an option because you want her to enjoy her own space and her own life, separate of yours. Your fiance may have gone along with this arrangement, but it'll eventually negatively affect the relationship with him.

The incentive for you doing this - and quickly - is ask yourself if in 40 Plus Years, you want to be on this Aging Care Forum talking about your 95 year old mother who used you all these years and never moved out!
Wishing you all the very best in this!

Kali cat ,
Much good advice here. Be brave . Getting your mom out of your house and independent or appropriately placed depending on what the doctor says is necessary for your life .
You and your fiancé deserve the chance to have your own life and home. All of you are too young for this arrangement with Mom living off you .

Your mother is not that old! She's been sponging off you all this time when she could have been working, saving money, making friends and traveling with them. This did not need to happen. You know that now, right?

You're only 24 with your whole life ahead of you. If you continue with this, your mother will drag you down and ruin all your prospects, your hope, your happiness.

If she has dementia, she needs to be in a place where she has 24/7 care, so you must find that out. IN NO WAY SHOULD YOU OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF HER UNTIL SHE DIES IN YOUR HOME! That could be 40 more years and it's hell taking care of a dementia patient at home. And there's no reasoning with dementia patients, so stop trying if that's the case. I mean, stop. You are wasting your breath.

As for the in-law apartment, no way. She already doesn't like the idea of living alone, and it would create more problems than you have now.

I'm very sorry for your predicament, but what I see here is that you worry too much about mom and not enough about you. She's put you in a miserable position, she's manipulated, used you, financially abused you and - well, you think you love each other a lot, but people who love their children don't take advantage of them. The whole point of raising kids is to help them to get to the point where they are independent and can live their best lives. Sad to say, but your mom didn't do that.

Kalicat, welcome!

Did your mom have a normal life (school through at least H.S., job of some sort and family) prior to her divorce?

Or was she always "slow" or limited?

She does not sound like someone with normal intelligence as you describe her right now. The question is, is this a life long disability or is it a new development?

Do you attend her doctor visits with her?

You have already gotten very good advice. I think that the time for a polite conversation about your mom's living situation has passed.

What you should have is a conversation in which you tell her what will happen and that it's not up for discussion. She won't like it and you'll likely hate doing it if it's not how you normally handle things but it's ultimately the best for everyone.

As others have said you have allowed your mom to become dependent on you. Now help her and yourself get your independence back.

Good luck.

Wow..a 24 yr old should not have this living arrangement. In my opinion she may need mental health intervention. And perhaps cognitive assessment..There are affordable housing situations for people her age. Check with HUD if needed.

Good Morning,

First of all, you are a wonderful child, I assume a daughter.

Something that concerns me though is the stove? Has your mother been evaluated by a doctor. Your mother is young and going through a divorce can be extremely stressful. But I feel something is amidst here.

You can still love your mother but give her options. Sit her down, hold her hand and tell her some things need to change. Perhaps, you could start with one small thing at a time. Of course, I realize the rural situation means you are not on a bus route.

The phone apps you have to be careful with. Sometimes loneliness can get a person into trouble on a device. Get Mom out of the house, fresh air, exercise. What about a garden?

We are both on the same page--the Y swimming, Church, etc. A part-time job is good. This is Wedding/Commencement Season, what about working part-time at a flower shop?

Simply tell her in a loving way--things cannot continue this way. Some changes are going to be made. Give her things to do, folding laundry, setting the table, snipping string beans. Old-fashioned chores.

Sundays have the Church people do a visitation. Your mother is only in her 50's. You don't want to live the next 30 years like this. Everyone will miss out.

Volunteer work is also a wonderful thing to do. Every place needs help today. You meet so many nice people. There are so many worthy causes. Even delivering flowers to a hospital rooms is very fulfilling.

Bottom line--get Mom a good pair of sneakers and get her out of the house. If you continue like this on this same path, you will get more of the same.

Most people in life seek happiness, they chase after it, BUT, what one really needs in life when they get up in the morning and their feet hit the ground is "purpose".

Serving others gives one "purpose" in life. For your mother's own good and your marriage and don't be afraid to have kids, things need to change.

Your mother needs purpose and she is so very fortunate to have someone like you who seems very mature.

You are in my prayers...I hope I was of some help. Make small changes consistently over time and by next year looking back you should see progress!

Contact a county social worker to help your mother get independent.

Write a note to her doctor describing stove issues and no motivation. Then ask to have her evaluated for early onset dementia. If she does have it, she w.lill rapidly get much worse. If she has it, she can apply for SS disability but be careful how she spends that money

Has your mom been diagnosed with Dementia I think start getting her diagnosed and if not ask her Doctor for advise but the boyfriend big No the next thing you know he will be moving in and the in-law sweet No mom needs her own place and if she has early Dementia there are group homes I know it sounds harsh but for your sanity and your Fiancée you all need a life and you have none it’s harsh but if you don’t act now you might loose your Fiancée and yourself for that matter!! You need your life back and trust me it’s ok don’t feel quirky about it plus your mom will be happier because if this continues it will get worse Good Luck to you 🙏🏼

How can you help your mom be more independent?

First, you need to figure out why she is so DEPENDENT in the first place.

If you think it is a cognitive capacity issue, then you need to have her get an assessment so that you can know what you are dealing with. If she has early onset dementia/ALZ - then you have a clear(ish) path or at least you have a better understanding of why she needs additional help. And from there you look for options to help her (and yourself) improve quality of life, and for her to live as independently as possible - and separate from you. A memory care facility, group home or something similar that will give her a more independent situation and give you more space to start your life with your fiance.

The other scenario is learned helplessness. You said that your mother's marriage was ending when she moved in with you. You don't say that your PARENTS' marriage was ending. I'm going to take a leap and assume it was maybe her second marriage? Has she ever stood on her own?

This is certainly not indicative of all women who go from their parents' home to living with their husbands, I know I'm fiercely independent and I got married at 21 and went straight from my parents' home to the one I've shared with my DH for almost 30 years now (while I was still in college even) and I am FIERCELY independent. But sometimes women who follow this path never learn to stand on their own and become very dependent on their husbands. If they lose them (through death or divorce) they need to find someone to transfer that dependency to. Sometimes that is their next husband. Sometimes that is a return to their parents. And sometimes that is their children.

If that is the case with your mother - she has learned to be dependent. And if she has learned to be dependent (and there is no other cognitive capacity issue) then she can learn to be independent too. If she needs job skills, there is training for that, if she needs housing, there are options for that.

But you also ask how to do it politely. I'm afraid manners may not be an easy ask on this one. You may be able to start that way - but you may not be able to maintain "polite" or "gentle" or any adjective that includes a softer touch if it is just about her *wanting* to be dependent and not *needing* to be dependent for a capacity reason.

You and your mom are much too you g to be dealing with this! 55 is middle age.

I can't imagine how much harder your life as a wife (and potentially, a mother) will be with your mother's presence and dependence infusing every moment of every day.

Sounds like your mom has major depression. That's HER problem to fix, not yours.

You and your fiance should sit down with her and say, "So you've been here for 3 years and done nothing about being more independent. This is not how we want our married life to look like. You have 2 months to make a new plan, and we'll help you, but by August 1, know that you won't be here anymore."

You deserve better, honey. Don't let her suck you dry.

Kali , Does your mom Have a Diagnosis ? Prior head Injury , Dementia - The confusion Of Not being able to drive and follow sequential order ( Thats what GPS is for ) Cognitive Impairment such as leaving the stove on and Burners , inability to respect Boundaries . Now you Know why your Sibling Moved Out of the Country . You Need a Diagnosis and a social worker . Has your Mom Been in car accidents or Unexplained falls ? It sounds Like a Mental Illness or Dementia . The Idea Of Buying a Larger home with a In Law apartment is Understandable But Having a disabled boyfriend is Off The Charts . All You have to say Is " I can't afford him. " Does your Mom Get Social security for disability ? It Maybe time to pursue that avenue she will Need Medicare . # 1- Get her to her primary care Doctor and explain everything you Listed On the forum and ask for a proper diagnosis . They May send her to a Nuerologist who will do a MRI of her brain and a cognitive test and then Hopefully send her to a Nueropsychologist for further testing . #2 - get yourself a Therapist or a support group to discuss womans issues - Your In a Co Dependent relationship with your Mother . # 3 - Your Mother needs a car or her own Living space . How can she get to the YMCA or Zumba - Can see Bike there ? # 4 - Make her Pay some rent or in exchange for rent do some chores Like Laundry and gardening . I Had a similar Mother who wanted me to take care of her forgetting I had Goals and a life of my Own . I had to set a Lot of Boundaries and be In therapy . She did help Out with my Grand son . She always had her own apartment . I think if you approach this smartly you can accomplish some goals . Can she start a gardening Project and sell her food at a farmers market ? A Boutique on Etsy - Does she have any Skills Like Knitting ? Your Mom Needs to be in therapy too . All I can tell you is you can Not sacrifice your Life for her Life . Make yourself and your Life a priority . She is Not a child - she Maybe a Invalid or have mental problems which You can Not fix . I do a few online things Like courses at Upaya Zen Center they are free or by donation . Sigrid Olsen has a meditation class on Mondays at 5 Pm . She could Volunteer at the Library . Perhaps do some fun things Like go to the Farmers market with her . Read Books on healthy Boundaries . Plan a seaside trip with your Mom . Sending you Love and healing .

I was just a couple of years older than you when my parents got divorced. My mother had never lived alone before and relied on me for everything. Fortunately she was set financially and she bought an antique house to move into. It required a lot of work. I worked full time and had my own house (the family house which I stayed in when my parents moved out because of special needs animals) which needed work as well. It took six months before I could have dinner alone at my house. She kept finding excuses to have me come over then when I got there I’d find that she changed her mind about whatever work the house needed and had made dinner for two. I was doing all the household repairs at the beginning and I had to teach her how to find professionals to do the job. She finally started calling professionals instead of me. It took many months of both joint and individual counseling to help me reinforce limits. When she heard someone else repeat what I tried saying she got the message. Not only was she able to learn how to live on her own but she also eventually moved thousands of miles from me or my brother! Once she finally found her independence she was happier than she had ever been before in her life and a lot of people saw her as a role model! Now that she is in her 90s she still wants to live independently even though now she needs help, and I am now having to help her adjust to the idea of having someone in daily to do things for her!

There is hope and it can be done gently but effectively. Counseling is a very good place to start and you may need to teach your mother some skills but in the end you can regain your freedom and she may go on to find a new, very happy life! You do have to stand firm as everyone has said and a counselor can help with that, but it is worth it and it may make your relationship stronger when you are on equal grounds.
Best of luck!

Hi,
I hope you have realised from the very good answers here that the issue with your Mother and yourself needs help?
You do need to see someone or go to a group, because you don't have any boundaries with your Mom. She knocks once and enters?
You didn't say if she had mental health or cognition problems? I assume she does, if you don't like the idea of her driving and she gets lost?
You have a right to your own life, I hope you understand that. What advice does your Father give you?
I know it must seem daunting, but you actually want to get her out of your life, not onto the next property. SHE CANNOT BRING THIS NEW GUY, he is just another burden. What type of housing is he in, can your Mother go into this type of housing?
I know you feel responsible for her, but you're not. Is she a fully functioning adult? Does she need your care or has she just manipulated a situation that she found herself in after the divorce? Please go and talk to someone, you can't see the forest for the trees, this is not your responsibility. You must have a very understanding partner.
Some ground rules, like - she cannot come into your bedroom when the door is shut, don't bother knocking. These are all boundaries, and they help look after everyone.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you are looking at another 20 years of this, if not more, in that time can you see yourself living a life that you want, where she doesn't impact negatively on your relationship and your choices?

I’m an RN Case Manager, Geriatric Care Manager. I’m so sorry for your situation. You are young and we’re trying to do a good thing. Unfortunately it’s not good for your mother, you or your boyfriend. You are enabling codependency which is not good. (You may want to consider going to Aanon not for living with alcoholism but for enabling)
it sounds from your description like she has early onset dementia or a mental health problem. If not she’s very manipulative. I’m not sure what health insurance she has but you must get her evaluated. Once you know her diagnosis you can work with the appropriate professionals to develop a plan. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and your local county department that assists people. Get to the right person. As if there is a case manager you can talk to. Go from there. good luck.

Kalicat -- I'm not adding anything new here, but listen to the same advice one more time: You are too young to be taking care of your also too young 55 year old mother. If your mother can't take care of herself, you both need to find an assisted living facility for her. I know there are personal care homes all over the South, so find one. She needs her own life, and more importantly, YOU need your own life. You shouldn't be restricting your ENTIRE life for her. Not having kids because you have to take care of your mother? Can you hear how wrong that is? And NO normal mother would want to hear that from their child, either. Seriously. Apparently this whole situation is up to you, so choose wisely. Find somewhere else for your mother to live and you live your own life.

First put a lock on your bedroom door, second assertiveness has to be at a level they can hear you.
Im 58 and there’s no way I’d live with my daughter but her father had no problem bc he was a child looking for a mother. Oh the stories.

There is great advice and suggestions already here for you, the hardest thing is applying it.

If you don’t stand up for yourself it becomes a life long problem, that’s something my daughter struggles with even after her Dad passed.

Im sorry you’re in this situation, you had good intentions.

Oh. Heck to the no!!!! First, get her to the doc for a diagnosis about her memory issues. It may be the beginnings of dementia or it may be that she's depressed and bored and that that's the way it is evidencing. If she can use a cell phone, she can use Wayz or Google maps. If she is unable to drive, she needs to use Uber or Lyft. She is way too young for you to become her full-time caregiver. She needs to either get a job tout de suite or apply for welfare (if she's eligible). She has to get out of your house. If she has dementia or a mental illness that prevents her from working see if the state can assist with getting her into an appropriate program. I say this as someone who is deeply enmeshed with caring for my mother, but I did this as an older person. Do not toss your young life away. Caring for your mom should not mean giving up your life.

Does she have money? How is she going to support herself in her old age? For reference, my Mom’s assisted living apartment is $7500 a month .. my dads memory care apartment is $6300 a month. Are you going to be able to afford that for her for the rest of her life?

I think politeness should not be your primary concern here. Don’t tip toe around her or walk on eggshells. Say what you mean.

Welcome to our 4th new member of the morning. We must have been mentioned on a website. I have never seen so many "newbies" on Forum before, and how good it is to have you all!

You have painted yourself in a corner here, Kali, and your long message tells me you and hubby recognize that's the case. Your well-meaning actions have enabled mom, and now you are all kind of stuck.

First thing I would suggest is that you and hubby and mom have a sit-down to discuss things you have told us. That you had thought this was a good idea, but that it isn't working for you, and it's making you question your ability to have your OWN family going forward.
Tell Mom you are glad she moved to the same area, but that she needs now to find a way to live more independently. Let her know the things that worry you about driving and etc; she may need to live in town, a rented room, a duplex or some such. Encourage an MD check up to see if she is suffering anxiety at all (it can mimic dementia very well).

Hard to know where to tell you to start, as this has been going on for a bit. But honesty is the first stop, and MD appointment the second. Update us if you will after an honest talk with your mom.
My best to you.

1. You mention confusion and memory challenges.....
Have your mother fully assessed by a PCP to establish any diagnosable health concerns such as possible dementia or others.

2. Speak honestly and lovingly with her about safety concerns associated with her " seeing other people/ namely ' dating' . This should be discouraged not encouraged. For social support she could certainly find that in a senior center or church perhaps.

3. Speak with an Elder Law Attorney to be sure that you understand your states directions re caring for elderly, your and their expectations, accountability, financial and otherwise

4. You and your mother are in a fragile situation. Some form of professional counseling, guidance will be paramount to you both trying to make appropriate decisions and changes toward a quality of life for you both. A social services ( Licensed Social Worker) usually may help look at options. Possibly your mother could qualify for some form of subsidized senior housing that would let her live independent.
Remember there is a saying " there is no house big enough for two families ( women)"

You deserve a quality of life with your fiance/ husband. Do not let guilt etc block you from seeking help to find a mutually agreeable solution. There may be grief and other emotions during this time, but with appropriate support you can both move forward toward healthy( ier) relationship. She may need counseling. You may need counseling.
At the present time it sounds like that out of love you may be unintentionally enabling her dependence on you or allowing her to manipulate you ( perhaps unintentionally)....

Get help !

short and to the point - the answers I read are great... get mom diagnosed - what you described seems like she needs a facility.
You are young and this is an eye opener... but a lot is going to be learned on your end. Fiance I hope is supportive and while you don't have children now it will be easier to learn these things now.
Try Depart of aging in your area, get a social worker through her doctor. If a facility is not what you may need try a group home. Ask about medicaid, and assistance. Oh prayers for you and your family!

Kali,

I feel your pain .

Many of the answers in this forum fall back on harsh measures and dimentia diagnosis, evictions , pushing her into doing things she doesn’t want to.

I am not sure how this works when all you can control is how you react to your mother not how your mother behaves and what she wants.

also, it’s easy to advise you to separate and disengage but it’s quite another thing in practice.

first of all, realize that 55 is entirely too young for her to be having these issues. Understand that you absolutely have to work out some strategy for the near future to change your situation. Don’t put time limits on anything , just make some decisions and proceed as they go, don’t force things.

secondly, it sounds like your mom is very open to visiting doctors ( this was not the case with my mother). This tells me that she still trusts doctors to “fix” things, this is really good. I would talk to her pcp about the situation and strategize with them about next steps. They can be your true partner in this transition.

she could listen to her doctor and accept their recommendations over your recommendations and pleas . Have your doc suggest that she needs to think about the future and where she is right now. Have the doc suggest a Med exam to asses all of her capabilities not just mental. She may be really resistant to accepting that there is something wrong with her mind. However, if it’s in the context of an overall assessment , she maybe more open to it.

then, work on the next thing , whatever it may be, as suggested by her doctor and , maybe, other professionals that you consult such as a social worker ( not sure how this is done).

I believe the key is not to rip out the tree with its roots , but remove each branch methodically and with respect.

take it simply one step at a time. First the talk with pcp. ( make a video or in office appnt for yourself so that you can have a frank duscussion with them alone, without your mom).

then, once you decide with pcp on short term plan) , take the next step.

it may take longer than you want or hope, but you’ll feel better about this slow and respectful approach.

again , lean on the fact that she goes to the doctors. Don’t jump too far ahead, look only at what’s in front of you now.

you may have to sacrifice a bit more of your personal life, but you’ll be able to eventually get her to a respectful point of living the rest of her life in circumstances where she can have independence ( such as it is).

oh , one more thing. Try and obtain some financial and medical control . It maybe a power of attorney or some other thing. Others here have suggested a lawyer . Maybe a good idea to consult one to get some contr of what’s happening in her finances and medical decisions .

there, you now have two things you can set up today to start the ball rolling.

good luck , look only at what’s in front of you.

One more thing you could begin researching is the retirement homes or facilities near you. If you feel like you’ve found a few good ones , get her out in a field trip to look at them with you.

but fist , pcp and lawyer .