How can I help my mom be more independent?

Time to get your mom evaluated for early onset dementia and get her placed in Assisted Living or have her moved into a 55+ residential housing complex near public transportation and get her a companion/assistant (who will, more than likely, use the public transportation, too.)

You are the captain of your own ship; live your best life and set healthy boundaries of self-protection.

* Polite is being compassionate, which is a wonderful awareness to have - and is essential/desired when managing communication and needs with loved ones.
"Polite," means speaking in a calm voice with clarity of what your needs are.

Setting boundaries, limits doesn't mean you do not care, it means you do care.
The situation needs to work for all of you in the household.

* Write down what your needs are. Have a list available.
* Limit 'explanation' as over-explaining usually means a person feels guilty, bad, etc for what they assert - it gives your personal power away.
- In the moment you feel something is not right, speak up. Do not hold it in. Holding it in is, in part, why you are in the situation you are in now.
- This is new behavior for you (asserting yourself). It will feel awkward and you may feel trepidatious / timid to speak up. Do it anyway. You could start with "This is hard for me to say ... then say it." "I don't want to hurt you although I need to tell you XXX".

* You are not able to 'push' her - you can offer her options to check out herself perhaps (if she can) - or you do the research:

Again, depends on her cognitive abilities/functioning:

- where places are hiring for her to get a job
- Volunteer organizations
- Meet Ups
* Then it is up to her to pursue / follow-thru. If she does not, you need to make another arrangement - perhaps discussing her living elsewhere.

* Based on her cognitive capacity: She is NOW ACCUSTOM to doing / being as she has been. It is 'easy street' for her. She may (certainly) not 'like' new rules or guidelines for living in your space. Expect her to react. Hold your ground, in a nice way. Take small steps although do not give in. Revisit your 'list' with her regularly to see how she is doing (to meet your needs).

If she has dementia, she should not be 'bringing any man home." This puts her in tremendous risk, as it does you/r family.

Whatever the relationship is with this man --- or if not him, it might be another man down the road, insure that all your mother's financial documents are in order - (you/beneficiary) and if it were me / my mother (esp on my property), I would do a criminal check and by all means ask him for a copy of his driver's license. You need to be as careful as you can be (esp nowadays). You mother is an 'easy target' for men - they smell a vulnerable older woman a mile away.
* Tell you mom: If you date / have men come over, they needs to provide me XXX" --- end of story / no discussion. If she doesn't go along with this, they she doesn't live in your home.
DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS SITUATION.

You are very young and you are doing too much, which really will not help her overall. Thank you for reaching out. You did good contacting us.

Gena / Touch Matters

It is pass time of being polite, first of all put some locks on your bedroom door. It sounds like she wants to catch you in the act of intimacy. You’re lucky you’re boyfriend is so caring because a lot of men would have left you, Unless your mom has Alzheimer’s or a low IQ, she should never enter your bedroom. 55 is way too young to be dependent. I’m 68 and would never want to live with my child or expect them to take care of me.
Unless she is sick, quit taking her to the doctors except once or twice a year. She might need anti/depressants or she might just be a narcissist like my friend’s mother was that destroyed her children’s lives because of the same thing you’re doing. You need to quit feeling sorry for her because it doesn’t sound like she cares about your life. Do you really want to be taking care of her for the next 25 or more years. If you do get a place with a mother-in-laws apt, you need to set limits on her coming into your house and never let a boyfriend that is handicapped move in with her because you will be taking care of him too. Read up about narcissistic mothers because it sounds like she is one.

Something is deeply wrong with your mother. How can a 55-year-old grown a$$ woman not know how to take care of herself? And, how does she not know simple, common-sense boundaries?

She either has special needs or perhaps has a form of Dementia, because no responsible adult acts that way. The fact that she "frequently" leaves the burner on, is a giant red flag that something is WRONG.

You may have to take her to a neurologist ASAP to see what is wrong.

You need to find out what's wrong, so that you can take the next steps from there. If she has a form of Dementia, she will eventually need a full-time caregiver.

I am weighing in to give some perspective as a person in your mom's age cohort who has two sons in your age group. I am 53 years old and obtaining my doctorate. Many of my instructors are well into their 70s, if not older. In every way, I plan on being active and employed until I push up daisies. I am not saying your mother needs to attain a graduate degree, but there are countless opportunities for embarking on a new career and life path. It is not a daughter's job to parent or motivate her mother. Your mother needs to carve out an existence outside of you. I would never put this type of burden on my sons, nor would they allow me to mistreat them this way. The other posters correctly say these issues will only escalate as your mother ages. My 75-year-old mother lives with me and my husband, and it is very challenging as an only child. You should heed the posters' advice and take action sooner rather than later.
You are inviting a host of co-dependency and enmeshment issues, not to mention compromising your relationship with your partner. As to your mom's health, it appears that she needs a thorough evaluation. Is she menopausal? Cognitive issues can be related to the abrupt loss of estrogen and progesterone. In many cases, hormone replacement therapy can solve the problem. Also, consider involving a neutral third-party, like a mental health counselor to guide you through the detachment process. Schedule an initial appointment to get the support you need. Then, work towards a group session with your mom where the counselor can take the helm and hold a mirror up to your mom's behavior non-threateningly. Where is your sibling in all of this? You need to enlist his/her help in this effort by becoming a united front and not shoulder all the responsibility.

Stay strong, and remember you deserve a life independent of your mother!

Has Mom always been a dependant type of person?

If so, now divorced + dependant?

My aim would be to encorouge her towards making a great new life for herself.

You do not need to FIX her life for her.

But you could HELP by;
1. researching & suggesting SUPPORT groups:
faith based, women's help group, councelling.
Prod her to go.
(I see you have been..)

2. arrange a MEDICAL appointment for a thorough checkup: general health, memory & mood screening.

The big ones to rule out - or get diagnosed & treatment for are;
* depression & other mental health
* dementia
* diabetes
* dependance on alcohol or drugs

Then see where that takes your Mom.. Health treatment plan? Therapy? New support groups? Re-training skill classes? A new job?

Next steps will be for Mom to move out & into her OWN space. If living alone does not appeal (as you mentioned) then what other options exist? +55 community? Or even a sharehouse (Golden Girls style). Some women find a whole new chapter of life & it becomes the BEST chapter of their life.

A friend did just that. Thought about what she REALLY wanted in life. To swim in the ocean! Sold up everthing in her rural life. Bought a townhouse she could afford in an area she could afford, rented it out & rents near a beach.
Now swims in the ocean.

PS. "She's in her own space on the property?"
Seriously re-think this solution.
Listen to your warning bells.
Mom will still be dependant on you.

Kalicat: Your mother is a young dysfunctional woman who has also attracted a dysfunctional man. She should be in a low cost apartment. Do not enable her any longer.

Hi, I only read a couple of the responses you received and please don't pay much attention to them! You state your mother is 55 and does things like leaving oven on, etc. Has your mother been diagnosed with any mental issues? If not, then I would have a talk with her about the things she is doing and maybe figure out a way around it - like set a louder alarm/timer for the oven. She may not be hearing if she sets the timer. Have you checked into her living in a retirement community where they will also have services that she may need later. I am not sure what her income is like or your area but I would check with them. Not sure what kind of work she did prior but at 55 she is not on Social Security/or Retirement benefits yet so she needs to have some type of job, otherwise how is she affording herself? a lot of companies are hiring people to work at home - if she knows how to use a PC. Somehow she needs to get a car and a cell phone with GPS! Then she can drive the boyfriend around - also he may be able to move into the Retirement Community too. They start at 55 years old and older. It is fine to have a parent live with you BUT if it is overwhelming for you then you need to make some adjustments. First thing I would do is lock my bedroom and bathroom doors! You said she does not pay any of the bills then she should have the money to take a Uber, etc to take her places. Check her health insurance some of them have free transportation to doctor's appointments.
I am 70 years old and live alone and work a part time job at home, I also drive and have GPS. When I was 55 I worked a full time job and supported myself. So, I just think some mental issues are happening and you need to make sure of this.
By the way, some people on here are very against a mother living with their adult child but people, it just depends on the people involved. I lived with my daughter when she had my first grandbaby and I took care of the baby all weekend so she could rest. She and her boyfriend always asked me to come out of my room to watch our favorite program together and we would order take out. We never had a problem with boundaries. Currently my daughter and I are looking for a house to rent together, along with her current boyfriend. They have 3 kids and haven't been out for ages so when I can I go over so they can go out but living together will help them out greatly. Two of the kids are autistic. So people need to stop being so hateful about it!

I too only read a few responses.

I think your Mom is going through depression. Unless she had been diagnosed for early memory loss, the leaving the stove on, short term memory loss, etc. is due to the severe change and stress that divorce brings, regardless of the conditions of the marriage. Then she moved, on top of that.

I suspect the underlying issue is that she has no friends or support now that she has moved to a new area. Therefore, you are not only the friend, but also the support. You, yes you, need to help her get assimilated into the area. Instead of just talking about zumba and church, both you and she go do it. Instead of talking about senior activities, research together and drop her off to do it. Then think about transportation. How is she going to get to where these activities might be?

Look for volunteer opportunities that are outside the home. That will give her an opportunity to go meet people and get to know them. At first, drop her off. Then later, you figure out how she is going to get there. Go on the LYFT or Uber with her. Show her how to do it. Talk is not good enough when one is insecure about transportation. She needs to get out of the house and put into a situation where she can meet others. Not easy if you have moved into a new community. Even harder if you are rural.

She really has had 2 "whammies" in her life, all happening at the same time. 1) divorce -- which changes your friend and support group and 2) moving -- which changes everything she knows about the area.

In order to get her to be more independent, you need to address both "whammies".

About the friend on the internet....get her to meet people in person. It sounds like she is the perfect candidate for catfishing.

Do she do lists? If so, put together a list of things she has to check before she leaves the house. Keep the list close to the door so that she can remember to use it Bad direction? Teach her to use Google Maps and connect your phone to hers so that you know where she is at all times. Can't remember to take the phone? See if you can get a lanyard to hang the phone around her neck. Attach the keys to the house on that lanyard.

I commend you for taking her into your house. However, you are going to have to take the initiative to help her meet new people and how to get around in the community that you live in.

P.S. Get a lock on your bedroom door and make sure you use it.

Others here have mentioned the stress on your mother of divorce plus a move to a new area, but as I read it that happened three years ago. If she had been a self-sufficient and stable person before the divorce and the move, I would think she should have been able to moved on by now from these upheavals. Perhaps she was always a passive, dependent person and this pattern is continuing. In 20-20 hindsight, letting this situation go on for three years was not a good idea and the linger it continues in this stasis the harder I'm sure you all are finding it to break out of the pattern. What should be concerning is her lack of common inhibitions (coming into your bedroom) and her forgetfulness. Stress and anxiety can cause the latter, but not the former. What kind of skills, education, and work history does she have? that makes a big difference in how you and she might begin to address the situation. If you could even get her to start small by volunteering somewhere it might help her start to develop some confidence, social ties, and skills she could use if/when she seeks aid employment. If she likes animals, perhaps volunteer work at a shelter might be good; animals are not judgmental and your mom could be helpful without having to deal with more social interaction than she may be ready for at this point. And being a shelter volunteer involves some physical activity, and that might be good too as your mom sounds as though she's pretty inactive. But you shouldn't discount the onset of some kind of impairment, whether that is early onset dementia or something else, and need to make sure all possible medical and psychological issues are evaluated.

Help her find a job and pick out a place of her own. She probably is just as frustrated. She isn’t old, she should be quite capable and you might better enjoy living near each other without living in the same space.

I was 32 when my mother had an accident which left her with physical and mental disabilities. I decided at that time I would not care for her. She was a bit older than your mother at 64, but still relatively young. I decided not to move closer to her but help champion her physical and mental recovery from afar.

I made this decision as I was living overseas, had just meet someone who would become my husband and eventually the father of my children. I eventually moved closer but still remained her champion, but not carer. I would not let her live with me and I prioritized my kids and career. I did this because I wanted to provide my kids with the best life possible and enjoyed my career.

My point is this; had I jumped to care for her, I would have missed out on the most important things in my life, especially time with my kids. I know she would have loved for me to help and care for her, but I needed to prioritize my kids and my own happiness and mental health. That doesn't mean I loved her any less, just that as adults we have to make hard decisions. I was always polite as I don't think setting boundaries makes you rude, unkind or unloving.

My mother will be 91 this year. If I had dropped everything to care for her, I think my life would be empty and joyless. I have had done and experienced so much in the years since her accident. I am now your mothers age, and I can't ever imagine putting the pressure she is putting on you on my own kids.

My recommendation, be very firm and set very clear boundaries. If she doesn't want to abide by them, walk away. It will be harder as she lives with you, but you need find another place for her. The short-term time and effort commitment to find somewhere else for her will be worth it a thousand times over.