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Dad is a Mensa-level genius and has been showing definite signs of dementia for several years to those who know him well. It has been easy to hide it (even from doctors) because of his high intelligence to begin with. While he admits to “not remembering things too well” and getting confused. I know that it’s worse than he believes; including trouble processing things, taking an extremely long time to do the simplest things and getting lost on familiar routes. Being a Vet, he prizes discipline and order. So Mom, who has since also been diagnosed with dementia, needed to go to a very important doctor’s appointment but cancelled it for no apparent reason saying, “I don’t really believe or know why I need to go” then made another unnecessary trip to Wal Mart, Dad’s need for control took over—in an extremely dangerous and big way.


This resulted in him being transported by the police to the Psychiatric ward for an evaluation. The doctor diagnosed dementia while also saying Dad was a danger to himself and others. I convinced him to give a medical power of attorney, which made it possible for me to get him into a VA Medical Center, Memory Care unit prior to his release from the hospital. He went along with this because the Doctor said he need to go to a regulated facility. (I always ended that statement with the word, First.) Once at the VA, I convinced him to grant Guardianship, for which I am awaiting the court date. The VA told me it was necessary to ensure he doesn’t just decide to leave.


Now to the problem: I say that with a slight smirk because this is truly not a story in need of a problem. It seems Dad has been trying to be on his “best behavior”; Complementing the staff and not asking for anything he needs (he tells me instead and let’s me ask on his behalf). He says, “I really messed up this time” and calls asking repeatedly, “you know I wouldn’t have hurt Mom, right? I just had to be convincing so she’d agree to go to the doctor”. He’s also been asking about going home and when do I think that’s gonna happen. He’s even called Mom to give her a head’s up saying, “I’m probably gonna get released tomorrow, are you gonna come pick me up?”. The VA Staff and I have been telling him he is regularly assessed to make sure he is receiving the right care at the right place. They will let him know if anything changes.


How and when should I tell him that he will not be going back home? How do I tell him Mom’s been Dx with dementia, the doctor revoked driving privileges and she can’t ever be left alone so she will be moving into assisted living community close to the VA so she can come visit him? Tough thing is we can’t afford for Dad not to receive VA housing/care AND pay for assisted living, memory care for Mom. Also because he’s deemed dangerous to himself and others, they cannot live together after nearly 60 years of marriage.

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In addition to what Glad recommends, I would stop intervening on behalf with the staff. He needs to ask for what he needs.

I would not be the one to tell dad any of the bad news. That is up to the docs who are treating him. It will come better from someone in "authority".

My heart goes out to you.
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TexomaPockets Aug 2020
Barb,
You are right about not intervening. Until the guardianship is finalized, I’ve just been trying to keep things on an even keel. I hadn’t even recognized that, while self advocacy is something I’ve taught my children their whole lives, I haven’t expected it from my own father.

Thank you and God Bless
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Tex, you are in for at least 3 very difficult months. It’s good to have a path to follow, but please come back to us. You are going to need sympathy, and support when you are doing the right thing. This site has many sensible caring people who you can ‘talk’ to in private and in confidence, who can provide help you may need. I’m on an isolated farm in South Australia, I can assure you that you are safe from gossip from me!
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TexomaPockets Aug 2020
Thank you!
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Dear Tex, you aren’t getting too many replies to your difficult situation, so I’ll have a try. First, I can understand your wish to be discrete, but it might be easier to see the limits of ‘possible’ with just a bit more information about how your father ‘messed up’. It’s also a bit hard to understand the financial problem – why would he NOT receive the VA payment? If both parents will be permanently housed in facilities, is there a house to be sold? Will this solve the money issue?

In terms of ‘how to tell Dad’, my suggestion would be to tell him that your mother has been reassessed as requiring a higher level care than he would be able to provide, even with visiting carers. She needs that level of care permanently, so she won’t be able to live at home. For the moment, she is going into the place near him, because it make it easy to arrange visits right now. Unfortunately there is no other choice. It will be hard for him to argue against that, even though it will make him very sad. You can weep with him, it’s truly sad.

Your father is bright enough to work out that if she isn’t ‘at home’, he won’t be going ‘home’ either, but you don’t need to get that far in the first conversation. Get the first bit done, and some visits between them happening, and the final step may come along fairly naturally. Perhaps there is a chance that his diagnosis will improve as he settles down - ‘his need for control’ may drop down when there is less scope for it. That may mean that they can live together in a facility (even side by side rooms, if not shared), and their marriage may continue as well as possible.

Very best wishes to everyone involved, Margaret
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TexomaPockets Aug 2020
Margaret, Thank you for wandering into these choppy waters. While the VA Center accepted him, we are still trying to receive a determination on his VA benefits—they keep needing more info. While Mom and Dad own their home, which will be sold to help with costs, their money won’t go very far.

Thank you for your advice. I love your idea about explaining about her being re-assessed. I hope you’re right that it can be the gateway to helping him understand. Because he sees Mom as HIS responsibility along with his need for control will cause him to try to leave the VA to “take care of her”. I know he’s in the Memory Care unit because of his Dx of Dementia and can’t “just leave”.
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I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. My mother was also brilliant and still sometimes manages to fool new caretakers in her nursing home into believing that she's only there for her physical disabilities. She has always refused to acknowledge her dementia because she equated it with "being stupid" and that it is somehow her own fault. My solution whenever she asks why she can't remember and is confused has been to explain to her that she has a brain disease that affects her ability to think. I don't ever tell her that it's dementia or Alzheimer's. This has given her a way to understand her confusion without blaming herself for becoming "stupid". It has brought a little more peace into her very turbulent life as she struggles with the loss of her previously huge intellect. (I grieve for that loss as well, because it's so hard to watch her mind decay. If you haven't let yourself grieve for that, please understand that it's normal and you're not alone.) But it also helps me to know that by not using the "dementia" label, she is more peaceful. I can't offer you any other advice for your situation, but I hope this helps. Good luck.
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TexomaPockets Aug 2020
Thank you for sharing your great Insight with your Mom. Dad thinks the same way about dementia, anxiety and depression.
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"Dangerous and big" sounds dangerous and big. Was it a weapon? Could he have killed yoyr mom? If so, he's not rational. I think depending on exactly what is wrong with mom and dad, and new treatments, things can change, things can always get better. You can always say that.

As to genius, be careful if he's still capable of being manipulative, planning things, etc.

If dad is psychotic and is controlled with medication perhaps one day he'll be safe around your mom again. So sorry.
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Tex,
I've been through this. my Dad had dementia and was in the VA ward at Ft Wipple, AZ. I also went to self-help classes there with a wonderful social worker and it was a great help for my Mom and me. The man of the house and marriage wanting to take care of his spouse is pretty common. When I moved to AZ to help take care of my Dad, and help my Mom to realize what was going on, I soon realized that I was going to now become the head of the family. This becomes clear when you have power of attorney, legal authority over their care, medical decisions, etc. At first I could see that my Dad was a bit angry and confused that I was taking over but at some point it was a reasurrance to him that someone else he trusted was taking over to make sure Mom and all the details were being taken care of. I think you just need to reassure your Dad that "you've got this" and he doesn't need to worry. Then you just need to move forward as difficult as that may be. Taking time for yourself and good self-care including a vacation or weekends off goes a long way too. You have a long road ahead of you.
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TexomaPockets Aug 2020
God bless you. Thank you for the insight
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OMG Tex! How frightening to get that call. I cannot imagine. Thank goodness all are safe.

Margaret, there are many compassionate police officers, most of them. Unfortunately, the bad apples get the press and media attention. Talks about defunding police departments all over the country are nuts. We need them. And there are most often doing their jobs properly and lawfully.

There are many stories of the wonderful things the police do in their communities, on and off duty.
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What behavior did your father exhibit that required a psych unit evaluation? Physical harm to your mother? Did he have a meltdown and break with reality?
Why? How was it related to Cancelling his wife’s important doctor visit ? Was her appt for a new condition/concerns or follow up for an already diagnosed ailment.

Knowing what happened will assist those in replying to you issue.
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Sometimes health issues can cause behavior issues UTI, vitamin deficiencies, diseases etc. and after treated behavior is sometimes better. I hope you are getting guardianship & also is Conservator at same time, so you do not have issues with VA or Probate court in near future. Research on goggle scenarios.
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TexomaPockets Aug 2020
👍🏼
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I think this is one for the doctors to tell him. He will erupt at you and put you in possible danger. Let the professionals handle this situation. And I feel you must place your mother if she has dementia. For anyone to have someone with dementia living with them would be hell. Don't do it.
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