We put her in a home yesterday, on my birthday, it was horrible,a blood curdling scream,her fist to her mouth,It was a nightmare we need help dealing with this?are there any free services in north vancouver? Please help us.
I'm having a bit of trouble with willows comment, perhaps because it carries a judgemental tone. Reality is that sometimes people are unable to provide 24/7 care in their homes for a variety of significant reasons. My dad used to say that you don't really know the other persons troubles, so be kind.
I don't think anyone should take the liberty of telling anyone how to deal with a dementia patient such as my mother.She doesn't know the history for one!
As the saying goes, you shouldn't judge someone unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. An even more apropos saying is "never say never." If you have the financial luxury of not needing to earn a living, the physical ability to provide often back-breaking care, and the emotional reserves to withstand the isolation and frustration of caring for a needy and cognitively impaired person, then, by all means, provide the care alone. But, don't judge those who need to or want to have help in caregiving, whether . If you don't want to be judged as a martyr for your choice, don't judge others for the path they take.
IsntEasy, my daughter tells me the reason you have to walk a mile in a person's shoes before you can say what you like is that then they're a whole mile away - AND you've got their shoes :) x
When you are 50, you say "I would never put XXX in a nursing home" When you are 60, you worry about going to a nursing home. And when you are 70, you are beginning to ponder which one of you will have to go in a NH first. If you make it to 80, you want to go to a nursing home just for time off.
PS, daughter has promised she will sort me one out that has FreeCell and an exemption from anti-smoking legislation, and then I'll be happy. Mind you I think I'll have to send her and her siblings off to the salt mines to pay for it.
Honestly, in your case, I know she's already there, and it's a nursing home... But in the case of Assisted Living, and especially when it is a Small Home type place, there is no screaming at all in 5 years I've owned a home ALF in south Florida. The thing is hospitals are scary and Big ALFs Feel like a hospital or nursing home. My dad died because he feared death Less than he feared a Nursing home and the doctor sort of 'consigned him to' that option. I didn't know then, that small family-friendly and Nurturing homes existed... If the person is Physically better off, say they can at least Transfer with Assistance (our FL criteria for ALF versus Nursing home) they can go to ALF care and it can be in a house setting. Which is so much more Acceptable to the average elderly person, even with dementia, well, I'd say Especially that sort of person. Because they feel Safe, not Sick in a House - versus the institutional OMG I'm a Prisoner feeling and not knowing Where the heck your room is, among all the hallways and floors and rooms... We don't Live in institutions so we don't Feel at Home in them. A house is different. And also, I Always tell prospective families to let us keep them for Daycare for a little while, even a week or two. They get to go home at night, be with their kids, until they feel Safe at our house, make friends, get to trust the caregivers a bit, and it's so much easier. I've had them Ask to move in and room with a new friend! God bless you all, I know it's not easy, but a great Small ALF can be your BFF, really a lifesaver.
From what I have seen, a lot of SNFs are trying to look and feel a lot more like ALFs except maybe the rooms will have hospital beds...and actually you could probably get a hospital bed in your ALF too. They have blurred the lines quite a bit. My mom really did not see a difference when she had to go from an ALF to a SNF, she just thought it was a new place.
If you need help, speak to the Social Worker at the nursing home. He/she should be able to help you. If you feel you would do better in a group setting, ask the Social Worker for some references.
Just to add to other helpful posts here, there are often caregiver or "former" caregiver support groups that meet at the ALF or NH that can be helpful to you and sister as you recover emotionally. They could be extremely helpful in acknowledging your feelings and HAVE walked in your shoes so can be inspirational and reassuring to you thru all phases of moms stay. If NH doesn't have support group, consider starting one.
Change is hard whether it's moving to a NH or finding a new bra that fits.
I basically forced my mom to move from her home of 50+ years to IL a few years back. Lots of drama, she was walking around her bedroom twisting her hands saying you can't do this, sobbing & moaning while the movers are in the room shrink wrapping her furniture. The IL she moved to was great and she had already done a couple of "play-dates" so it was a good fit for her. The movers were ones the IL suggested and they had seen this all before. The driver said to "just make sure she doesn't try to get on or lay down on the lift" as apparently that had happened the week before for another move and the police had to be called. Social worker told us to stay away till Sunday when the residents usually had family visit, so I did, but called mom every morning. On day 3, called & phone just rang & rang, no answer, my fear & panic sets in; I called back and still no answer & I go into my emergency mode; called back again (I'm in my car rushing to the IL) & mom answered all out of breath and said that she couldn't talk as she was already on her way to get on the van as today they were going to Steinmart and got to go. Click. Yes, the move was a profound change & adjustment for her but also a real learning & adjustment for me too.
I haven't read all the responses, so someone may have already suggested this, but can you just call her on the phone? I know that people have suggested that you visit "from afar" so you can see for yourself, but if it's going to make it harder on EVERYONE for you to see her everyday, she may have 2b "weaned off" of you. I know that's what I'm going to have to deal with, b/c my Mom lives w/me and she depends on me for EVERYTHING. She even (proudly) tells people that. I know she's trying to pay me a compliment, but, in her case (Narcissist), it's usually a form of manipulation, unfortunately. Hang in there and check back here often for support. We all need it...
Yes, Willow is entitled to his/her opinion, but it should not be presented as a One Size Fits All solution. That's not what this Forum is about; it's about supporting one another in what most people seem to be experiencing (myself included): a foggy, exhausting, frustrating and sometimes isolating season in our lives that seems too much for one person to bear. Some of us were sick before we took on this situation. Some of us had our relatives "dropped in our lap" b/c they had been kicked out of the last 3 relatives' homes. We feel bad enough on a DAILY basis, often not knowing WHAT the answers are; most days, it takes so much energy to take care of Mom that I have NO energy left to take care of me. THAT's what we're dealing with here, so please be kind. Thanks, and bless you all!
If you have the financial luxury of not needing to earn a living, the physical ability to provide often back-breaking care, and the emotional reserves to withstand the isolation and frustration of caring for a needy and cognitively impaired person, then, by all means, provide the care alone.
But, don't judge those who need to or want to have help in caregiving, whether .
If you don't want to be judged as a martyr for your choice, don't judge others for the path they take.
The thing is hospitals are scary and Big ALFs Feel like a hospital or nursing home. My dad died because he feared death Less than he feared a Nursing home and the doctor sort of 'consigned him to' that option. I didn't know then, that small family-friendly and Nurturing homes existed...
If the person is Physically better off, say they can at least Transfer with Assistance (our FL criteria for ALF versus Nursing home) they can go to ALF care and it can be in a house setting. Which is so much more Acceptable to the average elderly person, even with dementia, well, I'd say Especially that sort of person. Because they feel Safe, not Sick in a House - versus the institutional OMG I'm a Prisoner feeling and not knowing Where the heck your room is, among all the hallways and floors and rooms...
We don't Live in institutions so we don't Feel at Home in them. A house is different. And also, I Always tell prospective families to let us keep them for Daycare for a little while, even a week or two. They get to go home at night, be with their kids, until they feel Safe at our house, make friends, get to trust the caregivers a bit, and it's so much easier. I've had them Ask to move in and room with a new friend! God bless you all, I know it's not easy, but a great Small ALF can be your BFF, really a lifesaver.
I basically forced my mom to move from her home of 50+ years to IL a few years back. Lots of drama, she was walking around her bedroom twisting her hands saying you can't do this, sobbing & moaning while the movers are in the room shrink wrapping her furniture. The IL she moved to was great and she had already done a couple of "play-dates" so it was a good fit for her. The movers were ones the IL suggested and they had seen this all before. The driver said to "just make sure she doesn't try to get on or lay down on the lift" as apparently that had happened the week before for another move and the police had to be called. Social worker told us to stay away till Sunday when the residents usually had family visit, so I did, but called mom every morning. On day 3, called & phone just rang & rang, no answer, my fear & panic sets in; I called back and still no answer & I go into my emergency mode; called back again (I'm in my car rushing to the IL) & mom answered all out of breath and said that she couldn't talk as she was already on her way to get on the van as today they were going to Steinmart and got to go. Click. Yes, the move was a profound change & adjustment for her but also a real learning & adjustment for me too.