We have our mother at home in hospice. How have others celebrated the holidays with a loved one so close to the end of life?

Thank you all. I just needed the reassurance that I am doing the right thing. Usually Christmas for our family is a rather big celebration with lots of family members. Yes we decided to keep it simple this year... just my sister and I and our husbands. Mom is bedridden and sleeping most of the time. We will play it by hear, if and when shes awake, if she wants to sit up with us at the table (in the a joining bedroom) for a quick Christmas dinner, then we will do that. All I want to do is lay next to her and pray. This has been one hell of a year! The toll it has taken on both my sister and me has quite difficult. Thanks again and Gold Bless.

Include her as much as you can. If she is bed ridden and is in another room bring her out for a few and then take her back when she shows tiredness. If her bed is in the open... as my Daddys was... have your party there. If she sleeps, she sleeps. Food - have a potluck it doesn't have to be traditional - Christmas is so crazy in the first place I always go to the local market and get fried chicken (since Covid they won't cook it on Christmas day). I would then place it in a (a throwaway) pan put that pan in the oven and reheat and its easy to serve. Everyone brings some sort of side - potatoes, rice, salad, what you bring is what we eat!. Use paper... easy clean up. The plates that are in the stores now are a fun way to have a nice table setting. Plastic ware, plastic table covers. Oh and large trashbags. Make it as easy as you can the aroma of the fried chicken will make your home a sanctuary!

Celebrate with those who can. It’s not about gifts, but about love, gratitude, kindness toward others, miracles, companionship, being thoughtful.

if you need encouragement, watch the old cartoon version of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. The message is worthwhile.

Even in adverse situations, wartime, illness, grieving… remember to feel love for each other, joy, genetisity, appreciation for your own health and even kindness toward strangers.

Even when life seems impossible, there are people in our community and world who have it much worse.

if you don’t want to give gifts to each other and still are financially able, consider helping an immigrant family or even sending cards to those living in safe houses or making a meal for a shelter. It might make you feel better somehow.

None of us knows how much time we have left. Every year can bring more empty seats around the holiday table.

i wish I could spend even a moment of hospice with my parents so I could feel the warmth of their hand, watch them breathing and tell them I love them once again, even when they were too sick to respond. Try your best to appreciate the very simplest blessings.

Plenty to celebrate. Just don't put any unneeded pressure on yourself to go all out. People will certainly understand. My mom responded to music, so maybe play some happy holiday music. I'm sure your family will be happy to see your mom, in whatever capacity she is in.

After reading these varied responses, choose what’s in your heart. What works for some, don’t necessarily work for others. My mom is in hospice at home with me. It’s just me and her and 2 caregivers while I work a full time job. Needless to say, I’ve got my hands full. I’d love to celebrate the holidays but I can’t find the strength or energy. I’m just struggling to get through this season of my mom’s life.

Have the small celebration for sure. Mom may be sleeping all the time but she’s still alive so that’s something to celebrate isn’t it? I volunteered at a hospice house. One lady was there much longer than expected (determining when a person’s life will end is an unexact science.). One day she had her two daughters visiting. Tho she seemingly was sleeping, I commented to her that she had raised two girls into lovely women. She responded, “I like to think so.” That was the first she’d spoken all day. You don’t know how much mom is perceiving of what’s going on around her. Give her the gift of her last holidays.

geeze, isn't your mother important right now? she's near the end so celebrating should be on hold unless you celebrate her life. My mother had passed when i was 37 and she was 64 very close to thanksgiving. No one in my family felt happy enuf to have a celebration. do the right thing, wait until next year.

hauzrlisa: Keeping it as easy as possible sounds like the best idea. For my mother's last Christmas (2013), she was in the hospital, but we arrived home (at her house) on Christmas night to have an easy dinner of oatmeal with raisins and hot tea (neither of us was especially hungry). After that, everything went downhill rapidly with my mother suffering a fatal ischemic stroke and was hospitalized during my January birthday.

Your plan of just you & sis and husbands sounds good.

if Mom is still eating, maybe a few small spoonfuls of her favorites. Put a holiday movie, the Hallmark channel, Christmas music from years past. Or football if mom was a fan a few small decorations near her bed and dinner table, a small or itty tree at xmas, some twinkle lights

im giving mom some warm socks, new nightgown and some lotion. And I’ll sit with her as long as I can

its not just my last with her, it’s her last. I want her mind to feel free to wander through happy holidays in the past.

The last Christmas I shared with my dad, we went to a camp ground, the only ones there and roasted hot dogs, ate pork and beans out of the can, the only vegetables were potato chips and it was the best holiday I can remember with him. No gifts, no decorations and no meal prep, it was perfect.

We don't do family holidays, it's the time they ALL feel is appropriate to air any grievances they have. So, my husband and I do our own thing and wish the rest well. I am happy that I have this one memory of my dad at Christmas that brings a smile. I know he really enjoyed the drama free day as much as we did.

Do whatever you feel. Tradition isn't law.

I didn't know that my mom wouldn't make it to last year's Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had planned to simply go to her room in the end of life home and play and sing Christmas songs with her. Just me. No one else because she got tired and confused so easily then. She wasn't wanting to get out of bed and wasn't eating much, so there was no point in making a huge deal out of it. When it became clear that the end was within days, 3 ladies from hospice came to sing to her. She stared into space and said the angels had come for her and smiled. Music was something she really responded to in the end. She would sing along sometimes. I wonder if your hospice agency would be able to arrange for a small choir to come in or if your family sings, do that. I think also the very small gathering is perfect in case she wakes up for the festivities, something very simple so she can go back to sleep would be nice for her. For myself last year, I just wanted to keep those last days close to my heart and did not want to celebrate the holidays, so I didn't. My husband and I just stayed home with our memories.

Please do not cancel Christmas! I have been through this with various relatives and friends. Celebrating a "last" Christmas may be, at times, a bit bittersweet rather than full-out joyful celebration, but it can provide a lot of comfort and quiet peace, too. Bring out the ornaments and remember the joys of the past when ornaments were acquired, family members experienced the ups and downs of life.

The Christmas gifts may well be skipped and the meals simplified, the amount of decorating limited. However, I have found that going through some of the important motions of the season have been very helpful to me as well as the dying person in celebrating a last Christmas. It sort of transforms into a celebration of all the good Christmases of the past and quiet hopes for more joyful future Christmases.

The last thing you need to be doing is "hosting" a house full of people.
But I am sure family wants to get together to see mom.
Either make the holiday(s) a Pot Luck where every family brings a dish and you only have to "worry" about the main (turkey, ham roast. I strongly suggest a ham. Toss it in the slow cooker and people can pull off bits as they wish. Don't even put it on a platter to carve. Or if you do carve it up just toss all the meat back into the slow cooker)
Or you make all the food appetizer, nibble type foods. People can come and go as they wish. More like an Open House rather than a "formal dinner".
Open House type arrangement works well as you can set the times that is best for you and your family based on mom's schedule. (when she gets changed, repositioned, fed if she is eating,)
Invite as many as you want and keep it as low key as you want.
If any family member has a problem then you can suggest that THEY have the family over to their house and they can host the holiday dinner.

Great! It's always great to have a "Plan B." When this happened to us, we rented a cabin in the snow, two years in a row and it was uplifting. Change is always happening and we have choices as to how we respond to it.

Make your holidays happy.

Order the meal and don't stress over the groceries, cooking, and clean up afterwards. Do small crowd if that's the family you have left. Instead of running all over to buy gifts...often not meaningful, just something to give....do a small donation in the amount of what you would have spent. A local charity, animal shelter, state park, etc. And ask the charity if they mail out an acknowledgement of what was donated in your person's name....if not, add a note to your Christmas card. Adults only need so much 'stuff', so make your money count by giving to a charity that needs the funds. Any amount helps.

It sounds like your (old) pre-conceived ideas / associations with the holiday needs to change. While I never have 'celebrated' the birth of Christ (I'm spiritual and lean towards Buddhist / Taoist teachings), over many decades, I [personally] shifted to the following from feeling pressured to buy buy buy - as if I was on automatic (I was ... with a history of my mom buying a plastic tree ... when I was young). I didn't have a beautiful real tree until I could afford one myself as a mature adult) ... I love / revere trees so remember that tree with ecstacy and awe (white, blue lights) As a mindful, thinking adult, I shifted to:

1. Not celebrate the holiday 'as usual,' primarily due to my disgust of all the media about retail financial bottom line') - the meaning of the gift / giving got totally lost.

2. See / believe / feel "Santa" is a mind-set of self-care, caring for others, doing good in the world . . . and is ALL THE TIME, ALL YEAR ROUND. I used to collect Santas due to the symbolism they had for me -

If I were you, I would see this time as an opportunity to:

1. Reflect on the good times with your mom over the years (with family).
2. Make meals / celebratory events a family affair - meaning EVERYONE chips in to do what is necessary-not leaving it up to you.
3. Do not buy ANY gifts or do a fun one gift exchange ... where the next person can take the previous gift or open a new one.
4. Write letters / notes / poems to each other (and your mom) sharing feelings / appreciations. These are the real gifts of the season, or in my view, should / could be.

This IS an opportunity to honor your mom if you change your preconceived 'christmas as usual' mentality. It is an opportunity for you / your family / your friends to really cherish the REAL meaning of the end of this year - honoring your mom and everyone in your home.

If you decide to do this, write a note to everyone of your intentions and expectations of everyone, i.e., helping out - making this time of year / celebrating a family event. It isn't as it used to be . . . you hosting and doing all the work. This is a time to come together as a unit, to support each other, and your mom.

Gena
Touch Matters

Your holiday won’t be all jolly, but it can be peaceful and lovely. When my mother was dying, family put up colorful twinklelights all around her room, provided cozy flannel sheets with snowmen on them, and gathered in her room for a brief time, so as not to overwhelm her. We had music playing softly. You could add comforting scented candles for added ambiance. When your mother wakes for a few moments , she will see the lovely colored lights and hear familiar carols, smell cinnamon or Pine, and hear familiar voices in conversation with one another. You get the idea.
Skip the fuss of everything else. Light, music, and a few familiar flavors or scents is all it takes.
if you want to have guests, make it strictly potluck. If it’s for yourself, order takeout.
Don’t deprive your mother or yourselves of loveliness on this last Christmas with her.

I cared for my (adult) son at home before he died.

i gave him a present of an orange and a peppermint stick in a christmas stocking … the same thing we gave him and his sisters each christmas when they were younger.

I will let you know. My wife is in a similar position. Her niece and sister are coming to visit for 2 days at thanks giving. I know they will be shocked at her current state. It has been a year since that have seen each other in person. I am afraid it may be the last time.

My mother is at home with me and has lost most of her zest for life in general. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas we had her at the table with us, even though she can hardly see and can't keep up with the conversation around her.

Even though it's stressful, my kiddos / girlfriend / hubby help me with my mother, getting her to the table, fixing her plate, etc.

However, it's very apparent that making sure she's included and not left in the bed napping, is more for me and us rather than for her. She just doesn't seem to care.

I think a less hectic celebration is important for all of you. She isn't dead and will want the presence of immediate family. You will all carry the memories for the rest if your life.

my Mom was in Hospice fir two years and at one point both my parents were on Hospice. I did a brunch at their apartment and will do so for Mom this year. (Off hospice but bedridden)

we bring mimosas, cream chipped beef, biscuits and scrapple and fruit. All of her favorites.

this is likely to be your last Thanksgiving with her so make memories

I agree with a small gathering with those that matter. If you have a church family, I would make a request of them for a holiday meal. I know our church would be down for something like that. If not, get a holiday meal from Bob Evan’s, it’s all heat and serve and they lay out the timeline for cooking everything so there’s no stress and easy clean up. And just BE together.

My Dad was on Hospice, for the Holidays we scaled down from what we normally did, we decorated, but with less, we had family visits, we celebrated the time we had, reminisced, just spent time together. I know for my Dad, he just wanted to spend time with his family, that was the most important thing, so time with us is what we tried to give him. Christmas was a time that my Dad would go all out with decorations. He loved it. I know it’s extremely difficult with caregiving and grief. But I can say I now think back on these times with love and fondness. I would do it all again for him. Thinking of you all.

My mom was upstairs, the last 4 months of her life, at my sisters for both thanksgiving and Christmas last year. We had thanksgiving dinner; it was important to get together as a family. Hospice was helping out; that was a godsend. For Xmas, my sister didn’t want to do another big “thing”, it was too stressful. We celebrated quietly at own respective homes. Getting together is the main thing. Just one little kid and she had her fun with her parents.

really, my mom was the one that created all of our holiday traditions and memories. Including the stress, as she went nuts trying to make everything “perfect”. You don’t have to act any happier than you feel but getting together is so important as you say goodbye to loved ones .

I put Mom in home hospice about 3 weeks ago. The next day I decorated a tree that is in her bedroom. It looks really nice. I'm going to do another tree in the great room for the caregivers to enjoy.

Play music.

Keep it simple.

hauzlisa,

My suggestion, as a retired Hospice RN, is to celebrate the holidays to the fullest extent possible, keeping your preparations to a minimum and making your togetherness the primary focus, while involving your mom as much as possible.

Talk to your mom, touch her as much as possible, share the meal plans with her, make her special dishes. Do all you can to spruce her up, even painting her nails and dabbing a bit of lip and cheek color on. Although she's asleep - or seems to be - most of the time, she is still present and aware.

You could place some lights on her bed for Christmas and do some small things to keep her part of the celebrations. decorate the tree and share the event with her. Make the most of her last holidays with you; you won't regret it.

Try to make these holidays about celebrating family ties, the family that she is the matriarch of; celebrate her life and the family traditions that you all treasure.

I recall one of the Hospice deaths that I attended. While waiting during the wee hours of the night for the funeral home to come, I encouraged the granddaughters to go ahead and paint their beloved grandmother's toenails red as they had intended to do before her peaceful passing. This gave them a sense of comfort. It may seem a bit macabre until you realize that death is just as much a part of life as anything else and just one more stage in life's journey. I always encouraged touch and involvement with the dying loved one, the making of final memories. These young granddaughters knew that their beloved grandmother met her maker with jazzy red toenails; it reminded them of how she'd been in her younger years and brought them comfort.

I'd say: try to make the most of it and involve mom as much as possible. As long as she's without pain, you won't disrupt her by rousing her from her seeming sleep. She will be present and a part of things until her last breath. Make beautiful and lasting memories.

Wishing you strength and peace.

I would skip the gift exchange So that no one has to shop and instead focus on the meal and being together.

About the only enjoyment I get from Thanksgiving and Christmas is watching the events as from NYC

Keeping it low-key sounds wonderful to me! Celebrate the day which, by then, could also be the life of your mother. If that is the case maybe even a meal out. You are both working hard and deserve the break. Let someone else do the work. Whatever you wish to do.

thank you all for your advice and opinions. Truly appreciate them!