We have our mother at home in hospice. How have others celebrated the holidays with a loved one so close to the end of life?

With mother, I’d suggest that you talk about old Christmases she might remember, and all the cooking – including anything funny that went wrong.

With the rest of the family, I’d suggest that you schedule times for them to call in on mother to see her, perhaps for the last time. Once again, talk about old Christmases. Ask your sister and BIL around for a drink and nibble at the end of the day, and specify ‘no gifts over $10’. That makes it easy to pick up a little box of chocolates from the supermarket, no stress. You can all go over what you remembered to talk to mother about – it will probably be different, and spark a longer ‘old times’ conversation. It could still be a quiet but special Christmas for you all to remember.

Best wishes, Margaret

Small gathering - get take out and have a tree

I am in total agreement with you on eliminating all the stressful holiday activities and focusing on keeping Christmas close and quiet. Last year we invited my brother and mom's grandsons with their small families on separate days a few weeks before Christmas. We didn't do gifts at all. We had grinders for lunch and cookies for dessert. Mom was able to see and enjoy her great granddaughters. We all got to enjoy our family without all the hustle and bustle of shopping and cooking. It worked out well for the young generation too because their schedules get quite complicated at Christmastime with step families, in-laws, out of town travel, and so on. Mom doesn't remember the get togethers now, but we have many good photos to treasure. We may do something similar this year.

When my husband was completely bedridden in our living room for the last 22 months of his life and under hospice care, I did my best for my children's, grandchildren's and even my husbands sake to keep the holidays as "normal" as possible, as I knew that this time was precious to everyone, and that there would come a day when these holidays would look very different.
I had my children bring some of the food, so it didn't all fall on me, and at Christmas I usually just ordered all the gifts online, so didn't have to worry about getting out and about, since I was my husband 24/7 caregiver.
For me it worked. And I'm grateful for the last several holidays we all had together, as I know my husband was happy to have his immediate family with him, despite his many health issues.
But you have to do whatever works for you and your family. If that means you just order takeout, so be it. As long as you enjoy whatever time you have left with your mom, that's all that really matters.
God bless you.

I did it for the solace it gave to others.

No choices “felt right”, but we were together with a fire in the fireplace and the tree and the children.

As THE CAREGIVER nothing was right for me, but in retrospect, that was OK too.

I think we each chose some personal food or gift or decoration that meant Christmas to us, shared what we’d brought, and went home early.

Summing up, do what makes you feel good, and respect the feelings of all involved as much as possible.

Keep the memories of Christmases that were brighter in the past. Keep the hope that the memories of your mother and her life may brighten your Christmases in the future.

My dad was in active Hospice all during the Holidays. He was adamant that his condition NOT have a negative effect on the family's usual activities.

We cut back a little on the parties. We met as a 'family' in the upstairs family room of YB's home. Dad could hear a little of what went on, but he was happy we were all together.

We had several younger grands and a few great grands to consider.

Personally, I slipped away from the party and went downstairs to dad's room to sit quietly with him. I held his hand and we talked a little. I used to have a lovely singing voice and he and I sang together a lot. He asked me to sing to him, so I did, maybe for a half hour, IDK. He was lying there, holding my hand and tears were streaming down his face.

He passed, peacefully, quietly and with the dignity that personified my daddy, 45 minutes into the New Year.

His last gift to me was letting me know I was loved. My last gift to him was thanking him for loving me.

And isn't THAT what Christmas should be about?

Let them happen as they always did would be what I would do. I have seen my bro through hospice and now have a friend with liver cancer coming home to die with Hospice. She is well able to laugh and appreciate life when she's awake. She is our guide as to who she wants around her and what she wants things to be like. Let your Mom's wishes rule now. Do what feels right to your Mom and to you. This passage is one we all will make. It is as much a part of life as birth is. There are no rules. It's all up to your Mom and you.

I think many people make WAY too big of a fuss about "the holidays" in general. If you have a reason to celebrate, then by all means do it. If you don't feel in the mood to celebrate, or feel down b/c your mother is at home under hospice care, then by all means, don't feel obliged to 'celebrate'. Not everyone is always in the mood for such celebrations, nor do they feel it's appropriate to do so. There's no law written saying that from Thanksgiving to New Years every year we all MUST do X Y & Z otherwise we're Scrooges, for petesake.

I remember one year my mother was in the hospital with severe GI issues during 'the holidays' and wound up getting an IVC umbrella filter surgically implanted in her aorta at midnight on Christmas Eve. Believe me when I tell you none of us were in the mood to celebrate anything that year, so we didn't. We all wished Jesus a Happy Birthday & that was about it for 2011.

Do what YOU feel you want to do, and nothing more. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer here, my friend. Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult time in your lives.

I think everyone would understand that you are caring for your Mom 24/7 and that the holidays will not be the same this year. If you don't feel like shopping, don't. Have a meal on Christmas Eve, eat leftovers on Christmas day. Make her room a little festive but you don't have to go "out there" decorating. Play Christmas music. Lots of places have full meals you buy if u don't feel like cooking. Just have the 4 of you. You do what ur comfortable with. Thats what I do.

5 weeks before my Dad died the doctor said he would not live the weekend. Mom insisted on Hospice. Dad lived to see Thanksgiving Day. My brothers, wives and children (we each have 2) gathered at Moms. Dads bed was in the living room. At this point he could not talk. He and my brothers watched the football game. It all was normal with the boys teasing Dad. My daughter helped get Dad ready for the night. Everyone, but my brother from out of town, left. Mom woke about about 6am, Dad was gone.She sat with him the next 2 hrs not wanting to disturb the Hospice Nurse or us kids. Thinking of this now, I wonder how my Mom got thru Thanksgiving Day. Dad had health problems and every year he would say "This is my last Thanksgiving, this is my last Christmas"

Small or nothing at all. My dad died in January and was in hospice at home in December. Christmas had always been his and mom's big holiday but that year was different. Small gathering with 5 family members and one caregiver, and I don't think Mom remembered much of it afterward. Dad was mostly asleep and couldn't enjoy eating or even know what it was about, so for him it was pointless to do it at all. Also, rabid aunt kept stirring the pot with complaints, suggestions and bothersome talk that helped nothing and no one; if possible, someone would have Christmas-sealed her mouth, including the hospice doctor who stopped by and nicely tried to tell her to shut up. It was the last Christmas everyone was together - but we should have skipped it. It's not a happy memory in any way. Hold the precious memories of Christmas Past most dear! Because they are.

thank you all for your advice and opinions. Truly appreciate them!

Keeping it low-key sounds wonderful to me! Celebrate the day which, by then, could also be the life of your mother. If that is the case maybe even a meal out. You are both working hard and deserve the break. Let someone else do the work. Whatever you wish to do.

About the only enjoyment I get from Thanksgiving and Christmas is watching the events as from NYC

I would skip the gift exchange So that no one has to shop and instead focus on the meal and being together.

hauzlisa,

My suggestion, as a retired Hospice RN, is to celebrate the holidays to the fullest extent possible, keeping your preparations to a minimum and making your togetherness the primary focus, while involving your mom as much as possible.

Talk to your mom, touch her as much as possible, share the meal plans with her, make her special dishes. Do all you can to spruce her up, even painting her nails and dabbing a bit of lip and cheek color on. Although she's asleep - or seems to be - most of the time, she is still present and aware.

You could place some lights on her bed for Christmas and do some small things to keep her part of the celebrations. decorate the tree and share the event with her. Make the most of her last holidays with you; you won't regret it.

Try to make these holidays about celebrating family ties, the family that she is the matriarch of; celebrate her life and the family traditions that you all treasure.

I recall one of the Hospice deaths that I attended. While waiting during the wee hours of the night for the funeral home to come, I encouraged the granddaughters to go ahead and paint their beloved grandmother's toenails red as they had intended to do before her peaceful passing. This gave them a sense of comfort. It may seem a bit macabre until you realize that death is just as much a part of life as anything else and just one more stage in life's journey. I always encouraged touch and involvement with the dying loved one, the making of final memories. These young granddaughters knew that their beloved grandmother met her maker with jazzy red toenails; it reminded them of how she'd been in her younger years and brought them comfort.

I'd say: try to make the most of it and involve mom as much as possible. As long as she's without pain, you won't disrupt her by rousing her from her seeming sleep. She will be present and a part of things until her last breath. Make beautiful and lasting memories.

Wishing you strength and peace.

I put Mom in home hospice about 3 weeks ago. The next day I decorated a tree that is in her bedroom. It looks really nice. I'm going to do another tree in the great room for the caregivers to enjoy.

Play music.

Keep it simple.

My mom was upstairs, the last 4 months of her life, at my sisters for both thanksgiving and Christmas last year. We had thanksgiving dinner; it was important to get together as a family. Hospice was helping out; that was a godsend. For Xmas, my sister didn’t want to do another big “thing”, it was too stressful. We celebrated quietly at own respective homes. Getting together is the main thing. Just one little kid and she had her fun with her parents.

really, my mom was the one that created all of our holiday traditions and memories. Including the stress, as she went nuts trying to make everything “perfect”. You don’t have to act any happier than you feel but getting together is so important as you say goodbye to loved ones .

My Dad was on Hospice, for the Holidays we scaled down from what we normally did, we decorated, but with less, we had family visits, we celebrated the time we had, reminisced, just spent time together. I know for my Dad, he just wanted to spend time with his family, that was the most important thing, so time with us is what we tried to give him. Christmas was a time that my Dad would go all out with decorations. He loved it. I know it’s extremely difficult with caregiving and grief. But I can say I now think back on these times with love and fondness. I would do it all again for him. Thinking of you all.

I agree with a small gathering with those that matter. If you have a church family, I would make a request of them for a holiday meal. I know our church would be down for something like that. If not, get a holiday meal from Bob Evan’s, it’s all heat and serve and they lay out the timeline for cooking everything so there’s no stress and easy clean up. And just BE together.

I think a less hectic celebration is important for all of you. She isn't dead and will want the presence of immediate family. You will all carry the memories for the rest if your life.

my Mom was in Hospice fir two years and at one point both my parents were on Hospice. I did a brunch at their apartment and will do so for Mom this year. (Off hospice but bedridden)

we bring mimosas, cream chipped beef, biscuits and scrapple and fruit. All of her favorites.

this is likely to be your last Thanksgiving with her so make memories

My mother is at home with me and has lost most of her zest for life in general. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas we had her at the table with us, even though she can hardly see and can't keep up with the conversation around her.

Even though it's stressful, my kiddos / girlfriend / hubby help me with my mother, getting her to the table, fixing her plate, etc.

However, it's very apparent that making sure she's included and not left in the bed napping, is more for me and us rather than for her. She just doesn't seem to care.

I will let you know. My wife is in a similar position. Her niece and sister are coming to visit for 2 days at thanks giving. I know they will be shocked at her current state. It has been a year since that have seen each other in person. I am afraid it may be the last time.

I cared for my (adult) son at home before he died.

i gave him a present of an orange and a peppermint stick in a christmas stocking … the same thing we gave him and his sisters each christmas when they were younger.

Your holiday won’t be all jolly, but it can be peaceful and lovely. When my mother was dying, family put up colorful twinklelights all around her room, provided cozy flannel sheets with snowmen on them, and gathered in her room for a brief time, so as not to overwhelm her. We had music playing softly. You could add comforting scented candles for added ambiance. When your mother wakes for a few moments , she will see the lovely colored lights and hear familiar carols, smell cinnamon or Pine, and hear familiar voices in conversation with one another. You get the idea.
Skip the fuss of everything else. Light, music, and a few familiar flavors or scents is all it takes.
if you want to have guests, make it strictly potluck. If it’s for yourself, order takeout.
Don’t deprive your mother or yourselves of loveliness on this last Christmas with her.

It sounds like your (old) pre-conceived ideas / associations with the holiday needs to change. While I never have 'celebrated' the birth of Christ (I'm spiritual and lean towards Buddhist / Taoist teachings), over many decades, I [personally] shifted to the following from feeling pressured to buy buy buy - as if I was on automatic (I was ... with a history of my mom buying a plastic tree ... when I was young). I didn't have a beautiful real tree until I could afford one myself as a mature adult) ... I love / revere trees so remember that tree with ecstacy and awe (white, blue lights) As a mindful, thinking adult, I shifted to:

1. Not celebrate the holiday 'as usual,' primarily due to my disgust of all the media about retail financial bottom line') - the meaning of the gift / giving got totally lost.

2. See / believe / feel "Santa" is a mind-set of self-care, caring for others, doing good in the world . . . and is ALL THE TIME, ALL YEAR ROUND. I used to collect Santas due to the symbolism they had for me -

If I were you, I would see this time as an opportunity to:

1. Reflect on the good times with your mom over the years (with family).
2. Make meals / celebratory events a family affair - meaning EVERYONE chips in to do what is necessary-not leaving it up to you.
3. Do not buy ANY gifts or do a fun one gift exchange ... where the next person can take the previous gift or open a new one.
4. Write letters / notes / poems to each other (and your mom) sharing feelings / appreciations. These are the real gifts of the season, or in my view, should / could be.

This IS an opportunity to honor your mom if you change your preconceived 'christmas as usual' mentality. It is an opportunity for you / your family / your friends to really cherish the REAL meaning of the end of this year - honoring your mom and everyone in your home.

If you decide to do this, write a note to everyone of your intentions and expectations of everyone, i.e., helping out - making this time of year / celebrating a family event. It isn't as it used to be . . . you hosting and doing all the work. This is a time to come together as a unit, to support each other, and your mom.

Gena
Touch Matters

Order the meal and don't stress over the groceries, cooking, and clean up afterwards. Do small crowd if that's the family you have left. Instead of running all over to buy gifts...often not meaningful, just something to give....do a small donation in the amount of what you would have spent. A local charity, animal shelter, state park, etc. And ask the charity if they mail out an acknowledgement of what was donated in your person's name....if not, add a note to your Christmas card. Adults only need so much 'stuff', so make your money count by giving to a charity that needs the funds. Any amount helps.

Great! It's always great to have a "Plan B." When this happened to us, we rented a cabin in the snow, two years in a row and it was uplifting. Change is always happening and we have choices as to how we respond to it.

Make your holidays happy.

The last thing you need to be doing is "hosting" a house full of people.
But I am sure family wants to get together to see mom.
Either make the holiday(s) a Pot Luck where every family brings a dish and you only have to "worry" about the main (turkey, ham roast. I strongly suggest a ham. Toss it in the slow cooker and people can pull off bits as they wish. Don't even put it on a platter to carve. Or if you do carve it up just toss all the meat back into the slow cooker)
Or you make all the food appetizer, nibble type foods. People can come and go as they wish. More like an Open House rather than a "formal dinner".
Open House type arrangement works well as you can set the times that is best for you and your family based on mom's schedule. (when she gets changed, repositioned, fed if she is eating,)
Invite as many as you want and keep it as low key as you want.
If any family member has a problem then you can suggest that THEY have the family over to their house and they can host the holiday dinner.

Please do not cancel Christmas! I have been through this with various relatives and friends. Celebrating a "last" Christmas may be, at times, a bit bittersweet rather than full-out joyful celebration, but it can provide a lot of comfort and quiet peace, too. Bring out the ornaments and remember the joys of the past when ornaments were acquired, family members experienced the ups and downs of life.

The Christmas gifts may well be skipped and the meals simplified, the amount of decorating limited. However, I have found that going through some of the important motions of the season have been very helpful to me as well as the dying person in celebrating a last Christmas. It sort of transforms into a celebration of all the good Christmases of the past and quiet hopes for more joyful future Christmases.

I didn't know that my mom wouldn't make it to last year's Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had planned to simply go to her room in the end of life home and play and sing Christmas songs with her. Just me. No one else because she got tired and confused so easily then. She wasn't wanting to get out of bed and wasn't eating much, so there was no point in making a huge deal out of it. When it became clear that the end was within days, 3 ladies from hospice came to sing to her. She stared into space and said the angels had come for her and smiled. Music was something she really responded to in the end. She would sing along sometimes. I wonder if your hospice agency would be able to arrange for a small choir to come in or if your family sings, do that. I think also the very small gathering is perfect in case she wakes up for the festivities, something very simple so she can go back to sleep would be nice for her. For myself last year, I just wanted to keep those last days close to my heart and did not want to celebrate the holidays, so I didn't. My husband and I just stayed home with our memories.