Has anyone experienced elderly mother becoming irate and jealous when you go on vacation?

I hope things have improved for you, Tygrlly. I just thought I'd add that I was told yesterday by a fellow resident of my mother's AL block, at church, that Mum had complained to her that she 'never sees us because we are always busy with the grandchildren now'. We had been away in June and October to help our daughter with her toddler while she had number two and our d-in-law who had a C-section - not unreasonable, I think. (We didn't *ask* to have four babies in three years, but not our choice...!) Mum had meals from church delivered, a carer to shop for her, and my brother's family round on her birthday. But because she likes to think of my husband as her property, she wasn't happy. I used to go into guilty/anxious mode but this time felt more sorry for the lady to whom she had moaned. Though she knows my mum stresses me, so shouldn't have said anything!

She sounds like a spoiled little toddler demanding constant attention.

I think you are coddling her too much. She should be able to do quite a bit of what you do for her on her own, and if she can't, she needs to be in AL. You Don't need to talk to her every day either. When you do talk to her, as soon as she starts complaining, say goodbye and hang up, then don't answer calls for the rest of the day.

Ignore her calls entirely while you are on vacation, and enjoy yourself.

To everyone who replied to me....I have tears in my eyes because I am so touched by all the outpouring of support and affirmation you all gave me..it feels like a giant hug. Im sorry so many of you are also dealing with Narcissistic self absorbed mothers...maybe its that generation being raised ro keep the perfect house and keep her husband happy, and every moment resenting it? (Except my mother hated every mother of that, including the mothering part .) ) When grown daughters rebel to then achieve careers and make different choices and assert their independence it brings all the pent up jealousy? I dont know, but I,do know that my husband and I are now going to Mexico over Thanksgiving ..I will make sure she has enough groceries and then we will be on our way. Thank you !! God bless...praying for all my caregiving "sisters"....Wish I could pack you all up in our luggage and take you with!

My husband's mother was widowed and her youngest brother never married. They chose to vacation together, but learned as their mother aged and developed Alzheimer's that she became "sick" to prevent them from going anywhere. They stopped telling their mother of their vacation plans, left without goodbye and returned as if they'd never been out of pocket. Peaceful, necessary vacations followed. We watched and learned. When we needed a break we stopped telling my M-i-L we were leaving for a few days. Voila! No illnesses while we were relaxing and M-i-L never even noticed we were gone!

Dread talking to my mom? Yes of course.
The first time, I think I was 5, she was trying to tell me that stirrup pants didn't feel weird in my shoes. She was wrong. Stirrup pants came back in the eighties and they still felt weird in my shoes.
There's been many battles, many hugs. It's my mom.
When I was a teenager, oof did I test her, she often told me 'If you can't be nice, be silent'.
Funny how things come full circle.
Now that she's an old cantankerous, feisty stinkerbell I tell her.....
If you can't be nice, be silent.

Go on your trip. Go topless!

Let me explain... Consider what you are wearing, what is weighing you down. I think of it as a T-shirt - that your Mom gave you. It has a familiar feel, a warm snug fit & you have worn it for years & years. But it wraps you in F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt). Fear you are not doing enough for Mom, obligation as daughter, guilt if Mom gets upset.

Take it off. Discard.

Put on a hat instead. The hat of commonsense. It says;
1. everyone has feelings
2. their feelings are valid
3. their feelings are their own

Therefore whatever Mom feels is OK.

This includes Anger (at you disobeying her command to stay out) Jealousy (of your DH) Sadness (or loneliness). Mom may choose to be or not to be Happy. SHE is responsible for HER own feelings.

Tygrlly, Mom has become *emotionally dependant* on you 100%. It happens. Especially to close Mother-Daughters. Especially if Mother has a controlling streak to her personality. Especially if dementia creeps in. Don't mull over it. Take that trip. Get some physical & mental distance. You can choose to change your response to Mom & head towards the future you need.

After your trip, come back to update if you like. Others have freed themselves from this emotional bog. There are steps out.

Why even tell her? I went on vacations, visited family, went to restaurants and never told my mother. We are not joined at the hip. She led her life and did not include me so why should I include her now?

No because I’m a stuck caregiver & unable to go on vacation. Her misery wants company. PLEASE GO ON VACATION!!! 🏖☀️🏊⛳️ 🍷Hugs 🤗

tygrlly1: Your story reminds me of my late mother and something that was so filled with jealousy that I had to shut it down. My DD once had the opportunity to travel from the East Coast of the U.S.A. to Alaska. My mother became so jealous of her own granddaughter because she thought that she shouldn't have gone to Alaska, but to spend every minute with her grandmother. She moaned so much about it that I had to say 'that will be enough, Mother.'

Wow, you are doing so much for her, that too with medical problems of your own. She is obviously not thinking straight so no point reading too much into what she is saying. At some point we have to stop seeking their approval and set boundaries and preserve our sense of self.

My mom has an issue with my gender (she wanted a boy), my skin color, my body structure, my husband (although she had a say in the matter), the gender of my kids, our level of success, our social standing, our social life, my cooking, where I live, instruments my kids play....I gave up on getting her approval a long time ago. I provide care to her as a return obligation for bringing me into this world.

I could have written this, except I remarried 22 years ago and my kids are still in school.

Take the vacation. Ignore the bitching. In the end it will mean nothing.

After nearly 20 years of living here, 10 of those dependent on me, my mother now claims she has never even visited our house. She now complains that we must have prevented her from socializing because she hasn’t been places or seen people for years, forgetting our endless attempts (a few successful) to make her socialize. The more I did for her, the more abuse she heaped upon me. She is in care now, and I am finally able to enjoy life with my husband and children, without her daily dose of venom or fabricated crises. When I visit her she is actually polite.

I was widowed young and, like yours, my mother told me my remarriage and having children ruined her retirement plans. We were supposed to live together and be inseparable. She pictured herself as the elder of the Golden Girls, amongst me and my friends.

She has been assessed as having advanced dementia but I’m quite certain that isn’t an excuse for 20+ years of snarky comments.

I sacrificed time with my husband and children to try to make her happy and she recalls none of it. Sure, I know I did well caring for her as long as I did, but it is a thankless task and you will never recoup the time you have lost. My mother couldn’t care less about my physical or emotional health. She is the centre of the universe. It’s very difficult, but try to detach emotionally. I found it helped to reframe it. What would I tell my best friend if she was describing this as her situation? We are often so much nicer and forgiving to others than ourselves.

So much so! I feel for you and hear how you are feeling. If my mother's guilt trips upon me were money, I would be a gazillionaire ( very fancy wording).
It is very hard to have to build that 'thicker skin', but you will have to for your own sanity.
It may sound petty, but for each 'whaa-whaa' or insultory comment, I consider it a bankable moment for ME to reclaim for myself. It might be as small as 5 minutes less on the phone or as great as one less visit, but it will help you.
OF course, I just told my mother I would see her tomorrow instead of today as I'm exhausted, and she's whining, so no frozen coffee for her!
Strength in the DaughterHood:)!

I would make it very clear, talk crap about my husband and I will walk away and never look back.

What a terrible thing to wish on someone you proclaim to love. She doesn't care about you, only herself. Think about that and stop telling her anything about your life.

She is very jealous and selfish - I would do this. One single time sit her down and in no uncertain terms tell her you have every right and reason to live YOUR life as you see fit and this has nothing to do with her. Tell her you are going to live your life while you still can and she will just have to adjust as this is the way it is. Give her choices how to make new friends or otherwise get involved - tell her this is HER job to do, not yours. Let her rant and rave and be mad. So what. If she does not shut up, stop being around her and distance yourself until she stops. Be strong - steer clear of this crap.

I am a man in my mid 50's, my mother just turned 88. I'm in almost exactly the same situation. My mother gets jealous if I got to a grocery store without her. The last time I took a vacation was in 2011...... and I took my mother. If I mention I need to run an errand to a certain store "Do you mind if I go with you?" "Mom do you need something from ___ store" "No, but you never ask me to go anywhere". My mom plays cards two to three times a week, has constant visitors, goes to church at lest once a week but still claims she's lonely and doesn't have anyone "To come check on her". if I have on a new shirt. "Where did you get that" "ohhhh ____ store" "And you never thought to call and ask me to go to ____ with you". If we do go someplace "Well I guess you are going to make me walk all over____ with you" If I suggest someplace that we have been before "We went there last year, there won't be anything new".

ABSOLUTELY! It's in the Daughter's Handbook around chapter 578. I call it the Mother Jefferson Syndrome (Mom that plays George Jefferson's mother on The Jefferson's). You can bring downtown Miami and Dubai to your mom and it won't be enough. Trust me. It's all in the Guilt Trip catalog, chapter 982. She still has a say so in her life, but chooses to not live it. Not you though! You are the new middle age! People are still getting married in their nineties! Pay it no never-mind and enjoy your life. We don't get to live our lives AND our mother's. :)

You MUST take your vacations for as long as you're able to! From what you describe, you are doing all you can and more. It's understandable for your Mom to feel like that because she relies on you totally for everything and also-she is a bit narcissistic. My Mom, who was a saint, used to say "Please don't stay home because of me". Then when I took a few days away, she would call multiple times and say "When are you coming home?" Just go and tune her out - your relationship with your husband is just as important - and even more so.

Congratulations that you are remarried, and I hope that you can enjoy this time in your life. Your mother is being selfish and acting like a jealous "child" thinking that you shouldn't take breaks from being there for her. You also have responsibilties for your husband and your own children and grandchildren. Do you think that having an aide come in for a couple of hours (per day? or a couple of times a week?) while you are away would help? You need to have this conversation with your mother, and ask her not to be so negative about your life choices. Some counseling for you may help, so that you can deal better with your mother's demands and keep your own boundaries. There will be times when you'll have to say 'no' to her.

Your mother seems to think you should live your life as she has chosen to do. Of course, she fumes when you don't live as she does - it seems like you are spiting her. I suggest you need to put boundaries on her problematic behavior when you visit or talk to her. May I suggest starting by reading any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. May I also suggest working with a counsellor or therapist as your plan and implement ways of dealing with your mom's behavior.

Yes, it happens still.
Mom lives with us, so she knows. She's bedridden now and on indefinite hospice care in our home.

Mom was always a jealous for my time mom. Even before her stroke, she would try to forbid me from seeing my friends back home when I would visit. Yes, she became irate and unreasonable. Eventually, I just ignored her and, a few times, didn't even tell her when I was in town. Sad really, because our visits were already few and far between.

With her livinv with us now (2 years this week), I laid the boundaries down. When she's jealous and venomous, I walk away. When I'm off work a day, I don't always tell her I'm home. Suprisingly, she's become better about things, but it's mostly because I don't give her advanced notice. I spring it on her then redirect the conversation to sonething else, then "gotta go! See ya. Love you!" and walk out. Basically, I give her no time to react. If she's in a snit when I get back, I ignore the barbs and walk out.

My heartbreak is that my mom was a loving mom when I was little. She would do anything for us. In her old age, her selfishness really shines thru. In hindsight, I can see how controlling and critical she was, but I am my own person now and forgive her for that. I've had to learn to ignore her jabs and grow a tougher skin. Still hurts to have a selfish mom now.

Oh, yes! After COVID and my husband (64) working flat out running our church as a volunteer for two years in the absence of a minister, we recently managed to get away with two of our grandchildren and then for a postponed week on our own. My mother is in a similar condition to yours and was quite irate that we had dared go away for so long, without telling her - which of course we had. My mum too makes no effort to make friends or attend events in her AL building and complains of boredom. She won't have even basic technology to keep up with the family; we have to run her life, even though we don't do all her shopping now, and, like yours, she moans when we *do* take her out as something is always wrong. I have compassion fatigue after four years of it.

Are you my sister? The AL my mom lives in has asked me not to tell her when I’m going on vacation for the same reasons. While I’m away I’ll continue to call (every other day) but she thinks I’m home. If I have to lie I tell her I’m busy with my own appointments or helping others with theirs, cleaning, washing clothes, not feeling well (I use this a lot). I’ve had to put distance between visits and calls for my own sanity. Take care of yourself. Good luck.

Yup…Mom also has her jealous upsets about my brothers and my short trips..we decided that is ok. She can get out of joint but not control us. We visit before and after we are away. She lives in a beautiful assisted living..is safe, well fed and warm. When she was 70 she dated, went on vacations and enjoyed life..we remind her gently what 70 used to feel like and off we go..when we are home {95% of the time} we are very actively involved in her life. She gets plenty of attention. Have some fun!!!

I am so glad and happy to see we are not alone ..."Daughters of Miserable Mothers"...keep on being who are, a great woman, a forgiving woman, amongst the abusive onslaughts...I too am living the dream...reading the comments and the original complaint,
I have gained strength....
Thank you... My Mom 85 and drives a sports car, nasty as hell to me and on occasion, my older sis.
To all others, nice and sweet as apple pie...been selfish her whole life...Dementia beginning, personality getting worse, I fear what is to come...
I find great strength through prayer...
Hang in there Ladies

Any mother who admittedly wishes her daughter was a widow isn't a mother who deserves to have special treatment doled out to her like you've been doing. Cut back on your calls and all you do for her. At the same time, let her know that she's hurt your feelings once too often and as a result, you're backing off until she can show you the respect you've shown her all these years. If not, you'll speak to her once a week from now on. I'm sure the senior living community has a mini bus to take her to appointments and grocery shopping. The extra things you do for her are treats; not something she should get for exhibiting disgusting behavior. You're rewarding it; I'd punish it, if it were me.

My mother is a nasty human being herself, so I limit my contact with her. And she knows why, too. I hang up the phone or leave her presence when she gets ranting & raving & acting ugly. I tell her I'll be back or call her when she's in a better mood. She often calms down amazingly fast when she realizes she's gone too far with me. I deserve the same respect I show her; so do you.

My late father was a kind man too, and she treated him terribly; I have no idea why he put up with her for 68 years, personally.

Good luck setting down some boundaries with the woman and letting her know you're not a doormat. Enough is enough.

The Dementia may make her more needy as time goes on. She will eventually need an Assisted Living.

She will never be satisfied. Continue to do what you do. Take ur vacations while you can. You need time away and unwind. You cannot be Moms everything. She needs to take advantage of what is available. When she complains, ignore it. Don't engage. You are doing more than some people do for a parent.

Thanks everyone...she has always been like this. My poor dad was handicapped, but still wanted to take a cruise and travel with her..but she was embarassed that he was in a wheelchair. Even so, he was very self sufficient and the bravest man I knew. Thank God I had one wonderful parent. Prior to his illness, we took many wonderful family trips all across the US and Canada. When I remind her of this, she conveniently " forgets" or says that she couldnt relax because she had to cook in our camper ( we ate out most of the time) I do have one brother who does nothing. When she hears about his vacations, she thinks its great that he can " take a break" ....( hes been retired ) Thank God, my best friend is also dealing with a self absorbed 91 year old mother. I wonder if it is that generation from the 50s...many of the women were totally dependent on their husbands, and hit their late years feeling resentful and jealous of their daughters who have acheived careers and are much more independent?

Was your mother always like this? Jealous and spiteful? My mother is and was, so if she becomes like this, I really won’t be surprised. However, if this is a personality shift, then that’s harder, because the mother you used to love is gone.

On a medical note, make sure she doesn’t have a UTI. It can cause personality changes and if she’s in pain but not understanding what’s wrong with her body, she’s more likely to be irritable and spit venom.

Don’t take it personally, and have a good time on your much-deserved vacation.

I learned a lot from this previous post: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mom-is-in-a-memory-unit-with-mild-dementia-shes-been-there-since-april-shes-very-unhappy-468144.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�

You have a good relationship with a brother who cut off contact with your mother. Do you have other siblings? Do you think you could further cut contact with your mother? You and your H deserve to live your life without the interference of your mother.

I am going to point you both to a long-running thread:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/is-it-normal-shes-so-negative-169355.htm?orderby=recent

This is not normal behavior. It's not your fault.