Is it normal she's so negative?

It is taxing, emotionally on you. I know.
I believe (and support you) that you need to do what you can comfortably do - in terms of visiting / contact.

The negatively may not stop as she may be very lonely, depressed or a combination of factors due to dementia and other health decline / issues.

If possible, find volunteers to visit. I called LITA (Love Is The Answer) and check out local churches. You must take care of your own mental, psychological, and physical health. You need to focus on your family.

She will not change and it may get worse. Ask her MD about medication.
You could also try gentle massage - either a volunteer or a professional. Or call massage schools to get students to give her a gentle massage (hand massages, feet massages, neck and back rubs are good - (I am a massage therapist). If you mom is open to being touched in gentle, supportive ways - easing into it with conversation first, it might help her feel better - feel more connected.

I wish you well in setting your limits and taking care of yourself.
A family member (you) can be both compassionate and set boundaries. In fact, it is necessary. Take care of you first.

Gena / Touch Matters

You mother not wanting to bathe is common. Depending on her condition she may need assistance in the shower or help in actual bathing. Many residents hate the intrusion of a stranger in the shower and they try to reduce bathing as much as possible. Does the AL have a competent psychiatrist in the facility ? Your mother may also be depressed. If she is not on meds for serotonin or dopamine, ask the doctor/psychiatrist if they think she can take them. Slow acting meds like these increase the hormone/receptors in the brain. Serotonin will increase the feeling of calm, peace, satisfaction. The dopamine will increase desire to do things, increase energy, improve appetite. Don't waste time with herbs or over the counter nonsense. Real meds are needed. These do NOT dope up the patient, they just adjust brain chemistry. It can make a huge difference in personality and attitude towards her living condition.

I love that this thread has almost 1,500 followers.
Seems it must be normal, then?

I will say, there's simply not a lot to love about old age. I say that as an 81 year old.

If you can figure this out, please let me know. My mother wanted assisted living and dad did not. Has my father dementia has rapidly increased, he is the happy one. My mother on the other hand has become jaded and complains most of the time. I am torn as what to do. I can't split them up they have been married for 64 years. What do you do?

Wow going through the same. No matter what I do or say she has a nasty comment. I just told her we had already seen a TV show she has on and she called me a liar. I just spent hours making dinner and all she does is complain. I'm so done.

As my mother’s dementia and agitation increased, her doctor put her on a low dose of sertraline- an anti-depressant. It worked for her. Good luck.

"Her memory isn;t so much the issue.....her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all"
.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me."

Yesss, same here with my Mom. Add in her 'poor-me routines' anytime I bring logic and reason....Makes me seriously think that her strategic use of these 'skills', as she uses them to 'fight back' against logic(about stuff she doesn't want to consider), shows that she CAN reason quite well!

I have found BOTH Narcissism and Dementia strategies to be very helpful in dealing with her. And you tube is helpful along with this site.

PS @NeedHelpWithMom
Thanks! I'm going to check out "Jokes for Caregivers" topic next!

As you can see from the wealth of responses, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! While this behavior is common with dementia, it is often an extension of a person's existing personality, which only gets worse when dementia sets in. In addition to what others have offered as advice and coping, I suggest you go online to read/listen to videos about narcissistic parents. Dr Ramani is a blessing! Good Luck

I am a new caregiver for my mom who has dementia. Regarding the comments about the newness of this post.....I was so encouraged to read it. Yes, it might have been here for months/years, but the issue is still very relevant. I felt so much better having read that so many people are feeling the same way I do, and the desperation associated with this disease. I am extremely grateful for all of your comments. I'm hoping to be able to print this out so I can get some reassurance when I'm about to jump off that cliff.

Need...
I get that some stay open but if it is for a specific problem or concern anyone having the same issue will probably not look through old comments or suggestions to find answers.
I don't know...maybe I get perturbed when I see a question and go to respond and see that it is 9 YEARS old.
I will just try to ignore them and try to remember to look at dates before I reply

I have to ask...
Why is this still open for responses? This question is from 2014!
I doubt anyone having the same issues would read through 1K replies/ answers to get the gist of what the conversations are about.

Burnt Out Caregiver, I know we've butted heads before, but I have to say I am glad you don't care for anyone I love. Your name says it all... I hate that you are always coming up with some version of "take the old nag behind the barn and shoot her for YOUR own good."

Seniors, whether they are demented or not, predominantly suffer from loneliness. Add the uncertainty, confusion and depression dementia causes, and you have the perfect recipe for anger and upset. On top of that, when a Senior sits around all day with nothing to do and nothing to say, their mind (healthy or not) is going to look for what's wrong.

If mom had someone to talk to, someone to socialize with and someone to say "it's okay" when she complains (and maybe even do something about it), I can pretty much promise you her outlook will improve along with her mood and probably her health.

If I am not already ranting, please let me take a minute to go on a side rant...

We put our seniors in very expensive assisting living centers, hoping and praying it's going to be okay. We think they are going to get plenty of time to socialize, lots of care from the staff, great food and something out of an episode of the old TV show Fantasy Island.

In reality, the facility will probably have a 30:1 resident/caregiver ratio, and you expect the $15-hour caregiver who pops in on her once or twice every eight hours to be her mother, daughter, social worker, psychiatrist, doctor and caregiver too.

FOR EVERYONE READING THIS, ONCE YOUR LOVED ONE GOES BEYOND INDEPENDENT LIVING, THEY ARE GOING TO NEED ADDITIONAL CARE! And for anyone who believes the promises the commissioned salesman at the facility tells you, please call me - I have a bridge for sale!

Jewel, you are a gem for reaching out for help, and for not entirely wanting to take Mom behind the barn; I would offer you this:

Find someone who can spend a few extra hours with mom 3 or 4 days a week. It doesn't have to be a paid professional. Maybe she has a granddaughter or a teenager who needs volunteer hours for her college applications, one of her old friends, or a friend from church.

(Burnt Out, I know you don't think anyone is willing to do a good deed out of the goodness of their heart, but I promise you they are. Mom is already in a facility; an untrained volunteer can sit and talk to her.)

You mentioned Mom doesn't like the way you do her hair. Take her to a beauty shop or have a professional come to her. Maybe it's not the outcome so much as the dependency on you for help with something she's always managed on her own.

Bring pictures or memorabilia from her past. Bring cute (cheap) gifts to keep her occupied. Watch TV together and talk about the show during the commercials. Ask her for advice on something in your life! Talk to her about upcoming events and invite her to participate.

In other words, give Mom purpose and help her have a life worth living!

This question with its 1,000s of answers just tickles me.
We come out screaming and yelling and often seems to me we don't stop until we are dead for six months. As a species I find us overall somewhat negative.

Cut your visits back to once a week and calls twice a week. When she starts up with the complaining and negativity that is when the visit or the call ends.

Make sure to tell her when she starts up that you don't care and are not going to listen to her complain. If she doesn't stop, you get up and leave then the visits get cut down to once every other week.
Same with the phone calls. When she starts up you end the call the same way as the visit. If she continues with the complaining and negativity on the phone the calls get reduced to once a week and if that doesn't do it then once every two weeks.

When she gets lonely enough and wants your company she'll stop complaining and being so negative.

My Mother is so inconsiderate of everyone. She has always been a very caring, warm person. In the past 2 years I don't even recognize her. She says hurtful things, argumentative, and demanding. I feel sad that after having a wonderful , warm relationship all our lives, now I don't even want to spend time with her, but I do. Her vision is poor, her memory is fair, she is in chronic pain from her back. She does have plenty to be crabby about. She is in a wonderful assisted living, plenty of attention, and activities. We visit often and many times take her out. I just don't want to feel like I want to avoid her.

Think about it … Put your self in her shoes .. Was she very negative before the diagnosis ? After starting to attend Caregiver’s meetings ,online , that is exactly what I did. I sat for a long time and thought about if it was me , if I lost who I was . If I could no longer do the things I love to do . If my freedom was taken away from me, I question myself on what my reaction would be. I would not be very happy . I lost my loved one early this month .The things about him that drove me crazy during our 30 plus years , got worse as his mind did. His brain was broken . His diagnosis was 6 years ago .I was able to keep him home until the last month .. I was not working and there was only the 2 of us . I watched him slip away day after day .. When He was giving me a rough time , it was because he was having a rough time . He also had something called Anosagnosia.. In the reality he was living in , with his broken brain, he did not believe anything was wrong with him . It was not denial it was a real thing . I arranged for him to go into a Memory community when I knew I was no longer able to keep him safe . If I had not connected with Caregivers meetings 4 years ago , I would never been aware of so the many things that helped me uderstand what he was going through. You are not alone. There is help for you out there .. You just have to look for it . The Alzheimer’s Association can head you in the right direction . It’s a vile disease. Early on, it would not have bothered me if he fell off the edge of the earth , but during his last year and a half it had been a heart break that will take time to heal .

Yup dementia intensifies a negative attitude. My mom is happiest when she is unhappy. She has always been that way…..non stop complaints of her AL and it is in an upscale retirement village! Staff “steals” , food is horrible, activity director cheats at bingo calling, staff too slow, coffee is bitter, not enough staff, too many cookies served, place is damp and cold, windows leak air, bed made badly, poor housekeeping, chairs too heavy etc. She also has told staff I hired a man to kill her….My visits are hell. I do searches for hidden items every visit. She hides soap, toothpaste, tv remote, baby wipes along with anything Lewy Body thinks a staff member might want! Even our weekly visits at my apartment are not enjoyable. After 27 yrs working LTC I expected complaints but NON STOP??!! UGH

Exactly my situation. I have ended up with stomach and heart issues because of the stress and she lives in Assist Living. My doctor told me to quit visiting. She told me to quit expecting Mom to be different, it’s not going to happen. It has only gotten worse. People have quit telling me the awful things she says about me. Last week she called friends in Canada and told them I took all of her money and bought a house in Florida. I could go on and on. Not only does she have dementia, she can’t hear so it does no good to try and explain anything to her. I am at the end of my rope. I have no idea what to do. I just keep telling myself it’s the dementia but it still hurts terribly.

June 2014 post? Which is great if it is just a post of interest to everyone. Just wanted to let people know that I don't think the OP is around since around 2017 unless I am wrong.

Oh my our mom's would be the negative sisters I feel for you when you figure out what to do could you please let me know I too only child no more family, but my own iam getting hypertension 217/177 taking care of my mom 83 who's been on a poop rant for last month . It's down right driving me crazy . I feel like sh^t 😪 for wanting to say this but I'm gone bye mom Just like you I can't even wuth the negative things all of my life go enjoy your family and remember your a good kid now and always

I see my husband slipping a little bit more all the time into the negative attitudes and behaviors, unwillingness to be productive, laying on the couch watching tv all day, getting more and more attached to the dogs and less attached to people. He can still appear to be normal when with other people, but even then some of the lack of impulse control and inability to accept change is embarrassing. Sometimes I feel trapped, and guilty to feel that way because I know he isn't purposefully making my life miserable, and dread the time when it will be worse.

MY 92 yr old MIL is staying with us for 3 weeks. She tells the same stories over and over about things that happened in the past where she feels like it was unfair to her--like how her siblings didn't help with her parents, etc.. She has chosen to be a victim and chosen to see one of her children as a victim, and she isn't about to consider it could be any other way. As my husband says, "It's a losing cause" to try to make her happy, so just see that her physical needs are met and let her live in the misery she loves.

I find many advanced elderly are very negative and they feed each others negative opinions. My mom has been depressive and negative throughout her life. She is in AL. She has many complaints..Food is her favorite. But they make her bed wrong, do not have adequate staff, talk too much, too damp, too cold, make noise, steal her clothes {not true}, ignore residents needs , call bingo too fast and on and on…I pull back on visits when my brain “burns”. Some weeks I tolerate about 8 hrs of visits, some weeks much less. I do ask myself…will I do this at 90? Or will I be the exception? My guess…I will complain!!!!

Since this is such an old post I will reply (can't recall if I did so WAY back in 2014) for anyone having the same issue.
Just reply...
"Gee I'm sorry that you feel that way."
And it this particular case..if mom is complaining about how you do her hair, let the facility salon take care of it for a month or so and see how that goes.

One of the Rules of caring for someone with dementia:
You can not argue with a person that has dementia. It frustrated both and you will never "win".

My mother has behaved like that since at least her sixties I would say and she had me in her late 30’s. So I don’t believe I got “the best of her”. She was a product of some unacknowledged generational trauma and has always seemed insecure and emotionally immature to me. Negative. Critical. Controlling. Dissatisfied. Predisposed to finding fault as if that were a virtue. Incapable of accepting constructive feedback or accepting other’s differences and opposite view points. She has and will always be right.

I no longer speak with her to protect my mental health from the guilt tripping and judgementalism - even though mainly directed at others including other family members. she complains about my dad, to me! As if I don’t feel it and know she judges me too. She denies that she is complaining if I call her out on it so I simply can’t reason with her. I have my own worries and can’t “make” her happy though she tries to use my attention in that way. I’ve learned that her happiness is her responsibility. You cannot make your mother happy now. Maybe for 15 minutes, but how long does that encounter drag you down? Hours? Days or weeks??

Like yours my mother is not going to go gracefully into a retirement or memory care home either even though she may actually prefer the captive audience for socializing.

My mother never got fully dressed even while I was a teen (thin housecoats were her uniform at home) so I almost never had a friend inside my house after middle school. She didn’t want to get fully dressed or clean up the house unless family visited a few times a year. …excellent way to screw up development of my social skills. My feelings of obligation to her go down when I think of how she (unintentionally) made my life so difficult to ease her own.

If you got to know your mom when she wasn’t a childish butthead, cherish that privilege I guess I would say. You’re not alone. Your life is all you have so treat yourself well. She’s lived her best life already - make sure you get to live your best life. You cannot save her. You may be where she is someday and will have to accept it too. Accepting what is rather than denying it will happen to us or guilt we cannot save our mothers may eventually bring us all peace.

yes
be kind to yourself

yes

It is clear from the number of responses to this post that you have struck a nerve, and you have a lot of company out there. My mother’s negativity is what really pushes my buttons, in large part because I have listened to her complain incessantly for a lifetime. I am essentially an only child, and she had no real friendships, so it all gets funneled into me. I have tried gratitude exercises with her and she can’t find a thing to be grateful for other than me. Even when her brain was fully functional, I couldn’t get through, but I can’t stop myself from trying even now. Many replies say limit your exposure to her, and I’m afraid that is what ultimately works best for me. I have double exposure because she is still quite facile with her phone and texts me all the time. I have learned it’s ok not to respond and give myself blocks of time. I’ve told her I need quiet time in the evening, and I don’t answer anything before 7 am. I’ve cut back my visits with her. When I am with her, she complains nonstop. She is a talker, but I swear if she could not complain she would have very little to say. Someone told me once that dementia brings out an intensified version of the person, and I believe that’s true. I don’t know, maybe it’s just an unhealthy way of saying “Look at me! Pay attention to me! I matter!” I am sure they feel themselves disappearing, and becoming less relevant, and I can truly empathize with that. But I am so worn down, and I matter too.

1. She could be feeling a loss of control in her life. Maybe she thinks if she complains you will believe it and take her out. It is a battle of the wills- she will keep complaining till you crack and remove her. definitely limit your visits. I use to sing songs I loved in my mind when my mother ranted just to be able to stay there.
2. Also keep in mind her “ opinions” are opinions and you can try the agree with her method and see if she decreases it. “ yes wow that sounds so awful. Gee it seems like they don’t have a variety of desserts...” see if she responds with “ it isn’t that bad” just to be oppositional.
3. Does she like music or reading? Wondered if you brought in music of songs if her day and have you two sing together , or a book and tell her to read you some pages - then she couldn’t be talking and talking about her own topics.

Hi again . Also have her hair done by the hair dresser that comes to the facility