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His relatives abroad (Philippines) leave Facebook messages asking for money. These are his siblings. While I can empathize with their problems, especially after a typhoon or natural disaster, I am feeling a bit numb after so many requests and when there seems to be little concern for what is happening to us (my mom died a few years ago, I’m the sole caretaker). I don’t want to become cynical but Dad’s wasting away is so overwhelming that I’m often fatigued by the end of the day. It’s not about the money, but the lack of feeling and consideration, that gets me down. Are we just an ATM machine? Do they not understand the severity of Dad’s health? The feeling that the “family” isn’t really family is so sad. In hindsight I can see that the generosity of my parents (a trait I always admired) should have been tempered with boundaries and discernment.

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sorry to hear that but just tell them that the money is tied up in attorney fees to help your dad with his health and caregiving duties and that there is no money to be sent out to anyone, including you. then include in your letter/text that "oh by the way......your brother is (explain what is going on) in case you were wondering".........wishing you luck
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My wife died this past Monday, August 9, 2021. Less than 13 hours later, her daughter, sent me a "shopping list" of my wife's jewelry. I knew she would ask for a few things, but I at least thought she would wait until her mom's body was cold.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2021
garylee,

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your wife. From reading your profile she had been quite ill for a long time.
I don't know your step-daughter but her "shopping list" could very well not be what you think. She may be worried that her mother's jewelry will be lost or given away by mistake, or stolen if there's going to be people showing up at your house because they do show up when someone passes.
When a family member I was very close to was in the hospital and she wasn't going to recover, I went into her house and took jewelry. Not for myself but because if I didn't do this her things would have gotten sold and smoked up in her DIL's crackpipe. She had granddaughters and nieces that these things belonged to by rights. She just didn't have time to write it down.
Your step-daughter just lost her mother. She has grief too even if how's she expressing it seems indifferent to you.
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LeahO71: Imho, since they are posting these monetary requests through a social media platform, that, in and of itself, is rude and should be blocked or ignored.
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If this is stressing your dad, you can ask him whether he wants these people removed from his list of Facebook friends. (They would not be notified by FB).

This may sound extreme, but after several of the predatory situations in my family, my parent completely cut off communication with my bad-acting siblings. Doing so reduced their stress.
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Mine are parasites. The only time they call is when they want money. There is nothing you can do about it but have faith the Lord is a God of justice and they will get theirs back.
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ACaringDaughter Aug 2021
In my family situation, this proved to be true! Justice prevailed!
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it is very unkind to pressure an extremely ill person for money.

Is your Dad of sound mind? (If he is not, it would be inappropriate for the POA to send them money). Generally a financial agent (per legal POA) has the right to make any decisions. But, the agent also has a fiduciary responsibility. In this fact pattern, heirs could eventually sue the POA alleging breach of fiduciary duty, recklessness and fraud/collusion.

if your dad is of sound mind, this is technically his choice, but it is extremely unethical for them to ask when he is ill.

I personally witnessed predatory behavior in my family. One sibling was trying to unethically force one of my parents to give a huge sum of money at a time when that parent was extremely ill. (My parent was of sound mind and refused). Another quit making loan payments when they suspected my parent was too ill to notice and/or pursue the funds. A lawyer had to get involved before payments were resumed.

My parent heartbreakingly said, “aren’t they supposed to wait until I’m dead to start picking at my bones?”
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2021
ACaringDaughter,

Elderly or parents who (God forbid) have an illness that they will not recover from should not try to hold onto the money the way so many do. There's an old saying and it's true,

'You can't take it with you'.

It makes sense for your sibling to ask for a sum of money before your parents pass on or end up in a care facility. If he tried to steal it, that's different. Or the other sibling stops making loan payments to them for borrowed money. What's so wrong with this? Many people, especially the elderly think it's better to hoard all of their money while they're still alive. Why? To maximize how much the care facility gets? Or so their adult kids will have more to fight over when they die? Usually it's because they think if they can lord the money over their family, that it guarantees the adult children will take on their caregiving. It never works out like that.
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Your best bet is to dump FB, it is just another method for people to dupe others.
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IamAmy Aug 2021
Amen!
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Shocking, but pretty much every family has at least one person that just can't see their request for money, as a problem. While my step-father was terminally ill, my sister asked my mom with dementia for $70,000.00 to help her daughter to build a house. Mom gave it to her. Where was the concern that this would be all the money that Mom would have to live off of when my step-father died?? But, my mom created this "instant banker" position with my sister a long time ago. And, my sister has never had any qualms about taking from her. My Mom is now in memory care at the rate of $8,000.00 per month. I'm holding my breath, hoping the money does not run out.
I'd tell them that you have no idea how much money that you are going to need for your father's continued care and that you simply, will not spend/give any money that isn't directly needed for him.
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My mom is Filipino and was the 2 to the eldest of 7. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer in her 80's. To say it was a horrible ending to her life just doesn't adequately describe what my precious mother had to endure. Anyone who has or had a loved one suffering through that evil disease can testify. Anyway I can definitely identify with what you described about the money requesting relatives in the Philippines. They were relentless and shameless. My parents were generous to all of them as well but they were younger and healthier and that was a long time ago. Like the advise of other posters said, if you haven't already inform them on the severity of your father's health. Tell them your #1 priority is making sure your dad has everything he needs to be as comfortable as possible for the time he has left. Just straight out tell them STOP ASKING FOR MONEY. I swear no matter how "nicely" you try to tell them they won't stop until you just simply say STOP ASKING FOR MONEY. Yes we can empathize with their problems but not now. Your focus is on your dad. Reading your post made me remember all the unnecessary craziness that went on with "the relatives in the Philippines" Make no mistake it's not that they don't understand the severity of your fathers condition, they just chose to make their needs a priority instead. There will ALWAYS be another problem in their lives, (respectfully) screw them. Focus on your dad.
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I have a family member who was not named in a particular relative's will (likely for good reason), so he decided he would wait until the estate was settled and try to get money from one person in particular who did inherit. The estate settlement ended up being contentious and drawn out, so this money-seeking family member stepped in to be the "peacekeeper" in hopes of expediting things so that he could then "borrow" from one of the heirs. No apparent concern for anyone's time of grief/need let alone any particular concern for the deceased - to whom he claimed to be close.

That said.... I do believe that true financial need can cloud the judgment and lead to inappropriate requests for financial help... but this relative of mine always has a lot of extras/luxuries so that it's really hard to build a case that he was desperate and asked for money at a bad time.

I'm so sorry you feel like an ATM. This is so sad.
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Beggars, regardless of who they are, are at the mercy and good will of the kind souls to assist them. Pushy beggars are in a different ball game. A dozen a dime. Do yourself a favor and disconnect the lines with these insensitive kind of people. Your love deserves the most peaceful and joyful atmosphere, surrounded only by those who have a heart, and understand the situation. The money chasers will fade away. Best wishes and God Bless Your family.
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Tell them NO.
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My apologies if this is already covered. I do see that blocking them on social media has been done (and hopefully redone with the new “fake” accounts).

No is a complete answer. While you can provide an explanation, only do that once, Explanations have a way of providing people chinks to pry open to revisit the issue. Don’t revisit the issue, use the broken record technique of No. That’s only if they manage to get by the controls you’ve put in place. I have learned this the hard way.

No is a complete sentence.

Good luck!
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Get off Facebook......plain and simple. have no further communication with them or do as someone else suggested and ask them for $$.....you'll probably no longer hear from them.
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Has dad always been their go-to person for financial crisis or other matters? Is he the oldest sibling who took the lead on caring for his siblings? He left his country and did well in the US? You said 'in hindsight...your parents were generous'. That would lead me to believe he has always done what he could to offer support for his relatives. You did not say that dad is disgusted or angered by the current pleas for financial help. Perhaps it is only you seeing things from another perspective. Perhaps the relationship with his siblings is no different now than it has always been.

If the amts of money are not a real issue, maybe dad will continue to want to help for whatever time he has left. He probably always felt good about being in a position to help them. Send them all a private msg via FB to let them know how sick your dad is. If you know for sure that dad does NOT want to help them any longer, then tell them that due to his health problems and medical expenses, he is no longer able to send money - he was very happy to do it as long as he could, but he has to take care of his own needs now.
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I was discussing such a thing at the social security office. The worker said they had known family members to beat people for their benefits. Yes, some people are heartless and cold.
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JoAnn29 Aug 2021
My daughter worked in NHs and said that families have done everything to keep a family member alive so they didn't lose their SS benefits that were being used to help the family to live.
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You realize the need for better boundaries. Put boundaries in place that preserve your mental health, your physical health, and your dad's financial health. You can let them know that right now all efforts are focused on caring for your father in his late stage of pancreatic cancer. Let them know, that you can not give any money to anybody or even think about giving while caring for your dad. Explain that after he is dead, you will be happy to consider one time gifts, but that donations are not guaranteed and will end after that.
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My mom and dad were always generous and it too was a trait I admired but now like you, I don’t. My mother has now been widowed for 4 yrs and her extended family knows she is comfortable financially. Mom is 92 with some undiagnosed dementia. I see cheques going out being written to one family member or another after a phone calls. She doesn’t appreciate anything I do for her but they call her and they get money. I feel they are pulling her strings and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel your anxiety and pain and know what it is like when someone is ill and being used.
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schwester Aug 2021
Start asking! Stop being invisible.
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Yes! Going through that right now! My mother is in a hospice facility with only weeks left. Her body is going, but she still has her mind at 95 yrs old. My niece called her yesterday crying that she bought a new townhome and now she has no money left! Can you imagine the nerve?! I am furious at my niece who only came to visit her twice since she’s been by us for 10 years. I am avoiding her like the plague now. I am fuming! This was so upsetting to my mother. It happens. Even on their death beds.
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If you have power of attorney ask doctor to invoke it. Take to bank and nothing signed by him will go through. And make sure to have no cash available. Sending a note and even explaining the situation did not deter my relatives.
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Yes! I was reported to DCF because of a greedy sister! I have disowned her after this. She has taken things from my mothers house and I will never forgive her!
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Its time you step in to be either guardianship or representative payee of his social security. I had to do this for my brother in law but I am not on his pension account his niece decided that she needed paid for taking care of him. That is when I stepped in and told her to leave his money alone its not yours its his. My brother in law has dementia with short term memory loss she took advantage of that situation.

Its time you step in on behalf of your father telling his relation that the bank is closed. I would say I feel for what you are going thru but my father needs his money to take care of himself and his medical needs. Please do not ask again.
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Forget them…they have no grip on the situation either of you are in. Don’t check his Facebook and just ignore the requests. When he passes away, then you can decide if they should get anything or if his will states they do. You are in control so be in control.
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You owe them nothing. Your father’s generosity was between him and them. Don’t change your phone number—that will be a royal headache with people you have to be in touch with. Depending on how tech savvy you are, you should be able to block calls from them on your contact list. Otherwise contact your phone carrier. You can also block people on Facebook too.

Unfortunately at times like this, when a someone is taking care of a terminally ill family member, other family members show their true stripes. The bottom line is there’s nothing you can do about their callous attitude towards your dad. I have a brother in hospice with glioblastoma who lives 1500 miles away. I live in a $750/mo apartment and our other brother (also far away) lives in a million dollar house, has a six figure income, and recently took a $20,000 birthday trip. He has refused to help at all or to visit our brother. Hello! He’s terminally ill! Fortunately my cousins and others have helped out.

I was extremely angry for a while, and I can go there periodically. But it’s a huge drain on my energy, not to mention it scared my friends. Save your energy for enjoying your dad’s last days. His relatives are being small and shouldn’t rob you of your mental health or time with your dad.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2021
what a great answer!! :)

hug katepaints!!! :)

terrible about your wealthy brother. some people’s behavior is unbelievable.

hug!!!
i too spent/spend days fuming at my siblings. you’re right, it drains energy. i know, it harms only us. they live unaffected.

i get so angry i feel it all over my body — and i get a big frown.

i’m normally a smiley person. i bet you’re too! :)

hugs, leah071 — i almost read that as 007 :).
leah james bond.
:)

there must be some justice somewhere. for example, some karma for badly behaved family members.

i can’t wait!!

but somehow i don’t see the justice happening right now. seems to be planned (by whatever your belief-system is) for later.

too bad.

maybe it’s a sign, that there’s something even more important than justice.

hug!!!
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Leah, sounds like you wanted to vent, and maybe validate your position toward these leaching relatives. Here’s my best advice:

1. Block, block, block. Change your facebook account if you have to so they can’t find you.
2. CHANGE the phone numbers they may have, and be rid of them.
3. Understand that you are indeed considered to be an ATM machine, and let this guide your actions
4. If your father has money to send to them, then your father has money for you to find care for him. Get help in before you get engulfed in this.
5. Then do it. And don’t look back. And do NOT entertain any other messages or calls. You owe them nothing.
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From what I read over you did the right thing. You can let your guard down and you need to focus on your Dad at this time. Spending quality time with him till he goes to heaven. I'm on the other side of the fence since I got along with my Mom more than my Dad since he is a sociopath. He's Cuban and my Mom divorced him when I was 3 on grounds of mental cruelty. I had a dysfunctional family from then. The fighting and my Dad having Sunday visiting rights. Not always paying weekly child support. Bringing me home past curfew. I remember that even to this day. Good memory seems to be hard to come by and I'm adhd. So anyway I'm glad for you that you love and get along with your Dad. It doesn't work that way most the time. I'm the Caregiver for my Mom and she's 89 years old since Dec 24th. Been challenging mentally more than physically. Best regards.
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Hello Leah, I see in a reply you said you blocked them on Facebook and then new accounts were created to get back in contact. There is a definite chance these are not even your father’s real relatives messaging asking for money, but scammers using their profile pics and names. Lock down his Facebook privacy controls as tight as you can and switch everything to Private on his Facebook feed and in his privacy settings. See if you have a different way to contact the real family to let them know how he is (letter). Shut off any money being sent, of course. Sorry you’re having to deal with all this on top of everything else. Wishing you well.
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LeahO71 Aug 2021
Thanks! Great advice. I do know that these are his brothers, as they have phoned, we phoned them on their legit number they even admitted to creating new fake accounts because they couldn’t understand why I blocked them, they are this way—very tone deaf
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I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's a horrible disease and it's horrible for you to witness.

I don't think I'd use words such as predatory or greedy to describe people who may be desperate and barely surviving. Are they? Of course I've no idea what your father's family's circumstances are. Their timing is bad, certainly, from your point of view, but it's possible they don't have much choice about that.

We had a post a few days ago from a lady in Myanmar (Burma) - even more challenging than the Philippines, just now, because their troubles are political as well as natural, but it was a good object lesson in remembering that Westerners do tend to take a lot for granted.

Ignore these people for the time being, you're certainly entitled to do that. Did your father make provision for any of his family in his will?
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2021
Countrymouse,

With all respect to you, 'predatory' and 'greedy' are the perfect words to describe these people. The Philippines are world renown for scamming. Even in families if there's belief that someone may have money.
Whether or not people in western countries take things for granted does not mean that because a person lives in a western country that they owe something to people who don't.
It's like I said about my friend, his Filipino wife, and her poor impoverished family who were living pretty well.
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Before I blocked anyone I may send each a nice message.

"As I write this message, my father lies in his bed dying from Pancreatic cancer. His time here on earth is limited. I would like to enjoy the last few days or weeks with him without you requesting money on a daily basis. Please be aware that the money train stops today. That upon his death, I will be inheriting whatever assets my father has. Because I have no "close family ties" to you, the money my father gave to you so generously will not continue. Please discontinue trying to contact my father or me. You will be blocked."

You will need to be blunt. You owe these people nothing. If you give them money, then you will be bombarded. I just read this:

"The United States and the Philippines have a strong trade and investment relationship, with over $27 billion in goods and services traded (2086). The United States is one of the largest foreign investors in the Philippines, and is the Philippines' third-largest trading partner.Jan 21, 2020"

Seems like those immigrating here do well. So your Dads siblings could have come over. With your Dad already here, he could have helped them. So, they could have had what your Dad did.

https://www.migrationpolicy.org/article/filipino-immigrants-united-states-2020

So sorry you are going thru this. I hope you have Hospice involved.
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LeahO71 Aug 2021
This is true. Back when my grandmother was alive she did sponsor them to immigrate here, very easy back then in the 1980s, but they were too lazy and never filled out the forms. My mom, who is from a rich family in Manila, tried to get them good jobs through her relatives, who own industries, but they didn’t take the opportunity. It’s their own fault and they only have themselves to blame but they are very proud and need a scapegoat, so I’m their target. In Asian culture ‘saving face” is everything, which means I’ve never admits to making a mistake, far better to blame someone, that’s the culture
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Turn the table on the greedy relatives. Tell them the treatment is so expensive, you and your dad are out of money. Tell them you need $10,000 immediately for your dad's treatment. You probably won't have to block them on FB.
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LeahO71 Aug 2021
I’ve done this, my father doesn’t call or write them. It’s really between him and them but I’m often caught between the crossfire
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