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His relatives abroad (Philippines) leave Facebook messages asking for money. These are his siblings. While I can empathize with their problems, especially after a typhoon or natural disaster, I am feeling a bit numb after so many requests and when there seems to be little concern for what is happening to us (my mom died a few years ago, I’m the sole caretaker). I don’t want to become cynical but Dad’s wasting away is so overwhelming that I’m often fatigued by the end of the day. It’s not about the money, but the lack of feeling and consideration, that gets me down. Are we just an ATM machine? Do they not understand the severity of Dad’s health? The feeling that the “family” isn’t really family is so sad. In hindsight I can see that the generosity of my parents (a trait I always admired) should have been tempered with boundaries and discernment.

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Turn the table on the greedy relatives. Tell them the treatment is so expensive, you and your dad are out of money. Tell them you need $10,000 immediately for your dad's treatment. You probably won't have to block them on FB.
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LeahO71 Aug 2021
I’ve done this, my father doesn’t call or write them. It’s really between him and them but I’m often caught between the crossfire
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Some people have no shame. Perhaps it's time for you to send them a blunt response such as: "Your brother and my father is dying from pancreatic cancer. Stop asking him for money. You are making a difficult and painful time worse!"
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LeahO71 Aug 2021
Thank you!!
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Hello Leah, I see in a reply you said you blocked them on Facebook and then new accounts were created to get back in contact. There is a definite chance these are not even your father’s real relatives messaging asking for money, but scammers using their profile pics and names. Lock down his Facebook privacy controls as tight as you can and switch everything to Private on his Facebook feed and in his privacy settings. See if you have a different way to contact the real family to let them know how he is (letter). Shut off any money being sent, of course. Sorry you’re having to deal with all this on top of everything else. Wishing you well.
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LeahO71 Aug 2021
Thanks! Great advice. I do know that these are his brothers, as they have phoned, we phoned them on their legit number they even admitted to creating new fake accounts because they couldn’t understand why I blocked them, they are this way—very tone deaf
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You owe them nothing. Your father’s generosity was between him and them. Don’t change your phone number—that will be a royal headache with people you have to be in touch with. Depending on how tech savvy you are, you should be able to block calls from them on your contact list. Otherwise contact your phone carrier. You can also block people on Facebook too.

Unfortunately at times like this, when a someone is taking care of a terminally ill family member, other family members show their true stripes. The bottom line is there’s nothing you can do about their callous attitude towards your dad. I have a brother in hospice with glioblastoma who lives 1500 miles away. I live in a $750/mo apartment and our other brother (also far away) lives in a million dollar house, has a six figure income, and recently took a $20,000 birthday trip. He has refused to help at all or to visit our brother. Hello! He’s terminally ill! Fortunately my cousins and others have helped out.

I was extremely angry for a while, and I can go there periodically. But it’s a huge drain on my energy, not to mention it scared my friends. Save your energy for enjoying your dad’s last days. His relatives are being small and shouldn’t rob you of your mental health or time with your dad.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2021
what a great answer!! :)

hug katepaints!!! :)

terrible about your wealthy brother. some people’s behavior is unbelievable.

hug!!!
i too spent/spend days fuming at my siblings. you’re right, it drains energy. i know, it harms only us. they live unaffected.

i get so angry i feel it all over my body — and i get a big frown.

i’m normally a smiley person. i bet you’re too! :)

hugs, leah071 — i almost read that as 007 :).
leah james bond.
:)

there must be some justice somewhere. for example, some karma for badly behaved family members.

i can’t wait!!

but somehow i don’t see the justice happening right now. seems to be planned (by whatever your belief-system is) for later.

too bad.

maybe it’s a sign, that there’s something even more important than justice.

hug!!!
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Leah, sounds like you wanted to vent, and maybe validate your position toward these leaching relatives. Here’s my best advice:

1. Block, block, block. Change your facebook account if you have to so they can’t find you.
2. CHANGE the phone numbers they may have, and be rid of them.
3. Understand that you are indeed considered to be an ATM machine, and let this guide your actions
4. If your father has money to send to them, then your father has money for you to find care for him. Get help in before you get engulfed in this.
5. Then do it. And don’t look back. And do NOT entertain any other messages or calls. You owe them nothing.
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In many cultures Filipino among them relatives in the old country think everyone living in America is rich. So if one of their relatives gets here he is therefore obligated to financially support all of them for the rest of their lives. These people believe this.
Your parents didn't owe these people anything and neither do you.
You've got enough on your plate with your father being so ill. Most certainly you do not need the additional burden of money-grubbing, greedy relatives panhandling you from another country.
Those relatives in the Philippines understand what cancer is. Everyone the world over knows that word.
I'm sure they do love and care about your father. They love and care about his money more though. Don't forget it and don't give them anything.
My friend married a girl from the Philippines (he isn't Filipino). She was a nice girl and they're still together now 20 years later. Her family over there never left them alone. They demanded and begged for money daily claiming that they were starving and couldn't even afford food. So they gave generously. Her husband's family pitied them as well and also gave generously. This went on for years. Until she saw some pictures on social media from her mother's birthday party. Mom was dripping with gold jewelry and showing off a brand-new Gucci handbag.
Her beggar siblings who cried they couldn't feed their kids or keep a roof over their heads were looking pretty good in designer clothes and everyone (including the kids) dripping in gold jewelry like grandma. This birthday party didn't look third-world to me. At a hotel with all kinds of food and decorations. Yet they were still hitting up my friends and their in-laws for more money.
When the money train finally stopped, the family over in the Philippines stopped contacting my friend, his Filipino wife and his family. In fact they had no contact with them for almost five years. During that time they had and lost a baby and not one of them reached out to even offer a condolence. One of the siblings did contact them when her daughter was getting married because they wanted them to pay for the wedding. Of course they didn't.
I think your family is like this. Don't give them a cent. It's not your fault they're poor and you didn't make them that way. Your priority needs to be yourself and your father.
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LeahO71 Aug 2021
Thanks for sharing this! This definitely sounds like my relatives. Before I blocked them I scanned their FB posts and there’s nothing 3rd world about it—parties, beaches, and unlike here, where we do all the housework they have maids so they have time to just fix their hair and go out. It sounds so eerily familiar—the pity calls and then never giving us a condolence when we are suffering. Not one call. No contact. Like we never existed. Before it was all we are family, but once you stop the money train we are persona non grata. It’s so sad but I appreciate you sharing with me that story because at least I know I’m not alone in this deep sorrow and realization that the family are just cold hearted blood suckers. Not to chastise my native culture but this entitlement seems to be normalized and even encouraged in the Filipino culture. I’m sad because my father would give them the shirt off his back but they have no regard for our humanity. In fact, when my dad was hospitalized over Christmas and into the new year, for nearly three months I could not visit him because of CoVId, I was alone for the holidays so was he, I took time to send a big Christmas box to his brother in the Philippines. He never even acknowledged receiving it. When I asked him is FB if he got it he says yeah but that he didn’t like what I sent, he expected other stuff. Can you believe that? For me that was the last straw….
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Forget them…they have no grip on the situation either of you are in. Don’t check his Facebook and just ignore the requests. When he passes away, then you can decide if they should get anything or if his will states they do. You are in control so be in control.
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Yes! Going through that right now! My mother is in a hospice facility with only weeks left. Her body is going, but she still has her mind at 95 yrs old. My niece called her yesterday crying that she bought a new townhome and now she has no money left! Can you imagine the nerve?! I am furious at my niece who only came to visit her twice since she’s been by us for 10 years. I am avoiding her like the plague now. I am fuming! This was so upsetting to my mother. It happens. Even on their death beds.
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If this is stressing your dad, you can ask him whether he wants these people removed from his list of Facebook friends. (They would not be notified by FB).

This may sound extreme, but after several of the predatory situations in my family, my parent completely cut off communication with my bad-acting siblings. Doing so reduced their stress.
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Shocking, but pretty much every family has at least one person that just can't see their request for money, as a problem. While my step-father was terminally ill, my sister asked my mom with dementia for $70,000.00 to help her daughter to build a house. Mom gave it to her. Where was the concern that this would be all the money that Mom would have to live off of when my step-father died?? But, my mom created this "instant banker" position with my sister a long time ago. And, my sister has never had any qualms about taking from her. My Mom is now in memory care at the rate of $8,000.00 per month. I'm holding my breath, hoping the money does not run out.
I'd tell them that you have no idea how much money that you are going to need for your father's continued care and that you simply, will not spend/give any money that isn't directly needed for him.
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