Has anyone else had to deal with greedy, predatory relatives? My dad is in late stage pancreatic cancer and his relatives ask for money.

block on facebook

You’d be doing your dad a favor by putting a stop to this. I hope you’re his POA for healthcare and medical decisions, and that he has a will that spells out what he wants to become of his assets after he’s gone. These documents will help guide you now and in the time to come. Don’t hesitate to act, ask dad what his wishes are for his money, including being sure he’s aware that his need to pay for more care could be coming. If his judgment is being impaired, you’ll need to take over his finances. There's nothing for either of you to feel bad about in looking out for his best interests and I wish you the best

Some people have no shame. Perhaps it's time for you to send them a blunt response such as: "Your brother and my father is dying from pancreatic cancer. Stop asking him for money. You are making a difficult and painful time worse!"

In many cultures Filipino among them relatives in the old country think everyone living in America is rich. So if one of their relatives gets here he is therefore obligated to financially support all of them for the rest of their lives. These people believe this.
Your parents didn't owe these people anything and neither do you.
You've got enough on your plate with your father being so ill. Most certainly you do not need the additional burden of money-grubbing, greedy relatives panhandling you from another country.
Those relatives in the Philippines understand what cancer is. Everyone the world over knows that word.
I'm sure they do love and care about your father. They love and care about his money more though. Don't forget it and don't give them anything.
My friend married a girl from the Philippines (he isn't Filipino). She was a nice girl and they're still together now 20 years later. Her family over there never left them alone. They demanded and begged for money daily claiming that they were starving and couldn't even afford food. So they gave generously. Her husband's family pitied them as well and also gave generously. This went on for years. Until she saw some pictures on social media from her mother's birthday party. Mom was dripping with gold jewelry and showing off a brand-new Gucci handbag.
Her beggar siblings who cried they couldn't feed their kids or keep a roof over their heads were looking pretty good in designer clothes and everyone (including the kids) dripping in gold jewelry like grandma. This birthday party didn't look third-world to me. At a hotel with all kinds of food and decorations. Yet they were still hitting up my friends and their in-laws for more money.
When the money train finally stopped, the family over in the Philippines stopped contacting my friend, his Filipino wife and his family. In fact they had no contact with them for almost five years. During that time they had and lost a baby and not one of them reached out to even offer a condolence. One of the siblings did contact them when her daughter was getting married because they wanted them to pay for the wedding. Of course they didn't.
I think your family is like this. Don't give them a cent. It's not your fault they're poor and you didn't make them that way. Your priority needs to be yourself and your father.

Turn the table on the greedy relatives. Tell them the treatment is so expensive, you and your dad are out of money. Tell them you need $10,000 immediately for your dad's treatment. You probably won't have to block them on FB.

Before I blocked anyone I may send each a nice message.

"As I write this message, my father lies in his bed dying from Pancreatic cancer. His time here on earth is limited. I would like to enjoy the last few days or weeks with him without you requesting money on a daily basis. Please be aware that the money train stops today. That upon his death, I will be inheriting whatever assets my father has. Because I have no "close family ties" to you, the money my father gave to you so generously will not continue. Please discontinue trying to contact my father or me. You will be blocked."

You will need to be blunt. You owe these people nothing. If you give them money, then you will be bombarded. I just read this:

"The United States and the Philippines have a strong trade and investment relationship, with over $27 billion in goods and services traded (2086). The United States is one of the largest foreign investors in the Philippines, and is the Philippines' third-largest trading partner.Jan 21, 2020"

Seems like those immigrating here do well. So your Dads siblings could have come over. With your Dad already here, he could have helped them. So, they could have had what your Dad did.

https://www.migrationpolicy.org/article/filipino-immigrants-united-states-2020

So sorry you are going thru this. I hope you have Hospice involved.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's a horrible disease and it's horrible for you to witness.

I don't think I'd use words such as predatory or greedy to describe people who may be desperate and barely surviving. Are they? Of course I've no idea what your father's family's circumstances are. Their timing is bad, certainly, from your point of view, but it's possible they don't have much choice about that.

We had a post a few days ago from a lady in Myanmar (Burma) - even more challenging than the Philippines, just now, because their troubles are political as well as natural, but it was a good object lesson in remembering that Westerners do tend to take a lot for granted.

Ignore these people for the time being, you're certainly entitled to do that. Did your father make provision for any of his family in his will?

Hello Leah, I see in a reply you said you blocked them on Facebook and then new accounts were created to get back in contact. There is a definite chance these are not even your father’s real relatives messaging asking for money, but scammers using their profile pics and names. Lock down his Facebook privacy controls as tight as you can and switch everything to Private on his Facebook feed and in his privacy settings. See if you have a different way to contact the real family to let them know how he is (letter). Shut off any money being sent, of course. Sorry you’re having to deal with all this on top of everything else. Wishing you well.

From what I read over you did the right thing. You can let your guard down and you need to focus on your Dad at this time. Spending quality time with him till he goes to heaven. I'm on the other side of the fence since I got along with my Mom more than my Dad since he is a sociopath. He's Cuban and my Mom divorced him when I was 3 on grounds of mental cruelty. I had a dysfunctional family from then. The fighting and my Dad having Sunday visiting rights. Not always paying weekly child support. Bringing me home past curfew. I remember that even to this day. Good memory seems to be hard to come by and I'm adhd. So anyway I'm glad for you that you love and get along with your Dad. It doesn't work that way most the time. I'm the Caregiver for my Mom and she's 89 years old since Dec 24th. Been challenging mentally more than physically. Best regards.

Leah, sounds like you wanted to vent, and maybe validate your position toward these leaching relatives. Here’s my best advice:

1. Block, block, block. Change your facebook account if you have to so they can’t find you.
2. CHANGE the phone numbers they may have, and be rid of them.
3. Understand that you are indeed considered to be an ATM machine, and let this guide your actions
4. If your father has money to send to them, then your father has money for you to find care for him. Get help in before you get engulfed in this.
5. Then do it. And don’t look back. And do NOT entertain any other messages or calls. You owe them nothing.

You owe them nothing. Your father’s generosity was between him and them. Don’t change your phone number—that will be a royal headache with people you have to be in touch with. Depending on how tech savvy you are, you should be able to block calls from them on your contact list. Otherwise contact your phone carrier. You can also block people on Facebook too.

Unfortunately at times like this, when a someone is taking care of a terminally ill family member, other family members show their true stripes. The bottom line is there’s nothing you can do about their callous attitude towards your dad. I have a brother in hospice with glioblastoma who lives 1500 miles away. I live in a $750/mo apartment and our other brother (also far away) lives in a million dollar house, has a six figure income, and recently took a $20,000 birthday trip. He has refused to help at all or to visit our brother. Hello! He’s terminally ill! Fortunately my cousins and others have helped out.

I was extremely angry for a while, and I can go there periodically. But it’s a huge drain on my energy, not to mention it scared my friends. Save your energy for enjoying your dad’s last days. His relatives are being small and shouldn’t rob you of your mental health or time with your dad.

Forget them…they have no grip on the situation either of you are in. Don’t check his Facebook and just ignore the requests. When he passes away, then you can decide if they should get anything or if his will states they do. You are in control so be in control.

Its time you step in to be either guardianship or representative payee of his social security. I had to do this for my brother in law but I am not on his pension account his niece decided that she needed paid for taking care of him. That is when I stepped in and told her to leave his money alone its not yours its his. My brother in law has dementia with short term memory loss she took advantage of that situation.

Its time you step in on behalf of your father telling his relation that the bank is closed. I would say I feel for what you are going thru but my father needs his money to take care of himself and his medical needs. Please do not ask again.

Yes! I was reported to DCF because of a greedy sister! I have disowned her after this. She has taken things from my mothers house and I will never forgive her!

If you have power of attorney ask doctor to invoke it. Take to bank and nothing signed by him will go through. And make sure to have no cash available. Sending a note and even explaining the situation did not deter my relatives.

Yes! Going through that right now! My mother is in a hospice facility with only weeks left. Her body is going, but she still has her mind at 95 yrs old. My niece called her yesterday crying that she bought a new townhome and now she has no money left! Can you imagine the nerve?! I am furious at my niece who only came to visit her twice since she’s been by us for 10 years. I am avoiding her like the plague now. I am fuming! This was so upsetting to my mother. It happens. Even on their death beds.

My mom and dad were always generous and it too was a trait I admired but now like you, I don’t. My mother has now been widowed for 4 yrs and her extended family knows she is comfortable financially. Mom is 92 with some undiagnosed dementia. I see cheques going out being written to one family member or another after a phone calls. She doesn’t appreciate anything I do for her but they call her and they get money. I feel they are pulling her strings and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel your anxiety and pain and know what it is like when someone is ill and being used.

You realize the need for better boundaries. Put boundaries in place that preserve your mental health, your physical health, and your dad's financial health. You can let them know that right now all efforts are focused on caring for your father in his late stage of pancreatic cancer. Let them know, that you can not give any money to anybody or even think about giving while caring for your dad. Explain that after he is dead, you will be happy to consider one time gifts, but that donations are not guaranteed and will end after that.

I was discussing such a thing at the social security office. The worker said they had known family members to beat people for their benefits. Yes, some people are heartless and cold.

Has dad always been their go-to person for financial crisis or other matters? Is he the oldest sibling who took the lead on caring for his siblings? He left his country and did well in the US? You said 'in hindsight...your parents were generous'. That would lead me to believe he has always done what he could to offer support for his relatives. You did not say that dad is disgusted or angered by the current pleas for financial help. Perhaps it is only you seeing things from another perspective. Perhaps the relationship with his siblings is no different now than it has always been.

If the amts of money are not a real issue, maybe dad will continue to want to help for whatever time he has left. He probably always felt good about being in a position to help them. Send them all a private msg via FB to let them know how sick your dad is. If you know for sure that dad does NOT want to help them any longer, then tell them that due to his health problems and medical expenses, he is no longer able to send money - he was very happy to do it as long as he could, but he has to take care of his own needs now.

Get off Facebook......plain and simple. have no further communication with them or do as someone else suggested and ask them for $$.....you'll probably no longer hear from them.

My apologies if this is already covered. I do see that blocking them on social media has been done (and hopefully redone with the new “fake” accounts).

No is a complete answer. While you can provide an explanation, only do that once, Explanations have a way of providing people chinks to pry open to revisit the issue. Don’t revisit the issue, use the broken record technique of No. That’s only if they manage to get by the controls you’ve put in place. I have learned this the hard way.

No is a complete sentence.

Good luck!

Tell them NO.

Beggars, regardless of who they are, are at the mercy and good will of the kind souls to assist them. Pushy beggars are in a different ball game. A dozen a dime. Do yourself a favor and disconnect the lines with these insensitive kind of people. Your love deserves the most peaceful and joyful atmosphere, surrounded only by those who have a heart, and understand the situation. The money chasers will fade away. Best wishes and God Bless Your family.

I have a family member who was not named in a particular relative's will (likely for good reason), so he decided he would wait until the estate was settled and try to get money from one person in particular who did inherit. The estate settlement ended up being contentious and drawn out, so this money-seeking family member stepped in to be the "peacekeeper" in hopes of expediting things so that he could then "borrow" from one of the heirs. No apparent concern for anyone's time of grief/need let alone any particular concern for the deceased - to whom he claimed to be close.

That said.... I do believe that true financial need can cloud the judgment and lead to inappropriate requests for financial help... but this relative of mine always has a lot of extras/luxuries so that it's really hard to build a case that he was desperate and asked for money at a bad time.

I'm so sorry you feel like an ATM. This is so sad.

My mom is Filipino and was the 2 to the eldest of 7. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer in her 80's. To say it was a horrible ending to her life just doesn't adequately describe what my precious mother had to endure. Anyone who has or had a loved one suffering through that evil disease can testify. Anyway I can definitely identify with what you described about the money requesting relatives in the Philippines. They were relentless and shameless. My parents were generous to all of them as well but they were younger and healthier and that was a long time ago. Like the advise of other posters said, if you haven't already inform them on the severity of your father's health. Tell them your #1 priority is making sure your dad has everything he needs to be as comfortable as possible for the time he has left. Just straight out tell them STOP ASKING FOR MONEY. I swear no matter how "nicely" you try to tell them they won't stop until you just simply say STOP ASKING FOR MONEY. Yes we can empathize with their problems but not now. Your focus is on your dad. Reading your post made me remember all the unnecessary craziness that went on with "the relatives in the Philippines" Make no mistake it's not that they don't understand the severity of your fathers condition, they just chose to make their needs a priority instead. There will ALWAYS be another problem in their lives, (respectfully) screw them. Focus on your dad.

Shocking, but pretty much every family has at least one person that just can't see their request for money, as a problem. While my step-father was terminally ill, my sister asked my mom with dementia for $70,000.00 to help her daughter to build a house. Mom gave it to her. Where was the concern that this would be all the money that Mom would have to live off of when my step-father died?? But, my mom created this "instant banker" position with my sister a long time ago. And, my sister has never had any qualms about taking from her. My Mom is now in memory care at the rate of $8,000.00 per month. I'm holding my breath, hoping the money does not run out.
I'd tell them that you have no idea how much money that you are going to need for your father's continued care and that you simply, will not spend/give any money that isn't directly needed for him.

Your best bet is to dump FB, it is just another method for people to dupe others.

it is very unkind to pressure an extremely ill person for money.

Is your Dad of sound mind? (If he is not, it would be inappropriate for the POA to send them money). Generally a financial agent (per legal POA) has the right to make any decisions. But, the agent also has a fiduciary responsibility. In this fact pattern, heirs could eventually sue the POA alleging breach of fiduciary duty, recklessness and fraud/collusion.

if your dad is of sound mind, this is technically his choice, but it is extremely unethical for them to ask when he is ill.

I personally witnessed predatory behavior in my family. One sibling was trying to unethically force one of my parents to give a huge sum of money at a time when that parent was extremely ill. (My parent was of sound mind and refused). Another quit making loan payments when they suspected my parent was too ill to notice and/or pursue the funds. A lawyer had to get involved before payments were resumed.

My parent heartbreakingly said, “aren’t they supposed to wait until I’m dead to start picking at my bones?”

Mine are parasites. The only time they call is when they want money. There is nothing you can do about it but have faith the Lord is a God of justice and they will get theirs back.