How does someone handle a parent that wants you to give up your life and care for them and refuses to go to nursing home?

Donald, my mom could not bathe or dress herself. Half the time she couldn't feed herself either. Does your mom own her own home? I was going to sell my mom's home to pay for it. I am not promoting "Sunrise" but they were wonderful, as my mother got sicker and sicker they did everything including changing her depends. My mom had dementia and Parkinsons and was a sleep walker with weak legs. You must be anxious to get the hell out of there, I feel for your brother! You are both angels!

Assisted living isn't an option. She can't bath herself or dress herself she can't afford personal care because of bad decisions she made. finances are limited. I pray when I leave her eyes will open to the fact that her best option is a nursing home. She will either get better when I leave or continue to go down hill. The dr says she can gain her strength back if she will push past pain and do the exercises but right now she refuses. I feel leaving and going back home is my only option for my well being and hers. I'm to the point where let the chips fall where they may and go from there. Yes I will be getting counseling and much prayer and look for a support group to join. I'm so glad I came across this site. Thank you for all the advice and support

Check out the assisted living places, they are very different from nursing homes. I found a beautiful one for my mother, and it changed my whole life back to normal. They took such good care of her. You have nothing to feel guilty about, she knows how to manipulate you and will keep playing the guilt card because apparently it works on you and your brother. After you find a wonderful place for her, you and your brother will need to stand up to her together and let her know she's going or she is on her own. She will put you both in an early grave if you don't !!! Good luck, you need to do it for your brother's sake, let that be your guiding strength.

Did your mother go into a rehab facility after surgery? That's the usual thing and it's far better than trying to rehab at home. If she ever is in the hospital again, check with the discharge planners whether she's eligible for facility rehab to get her an her feet again.

I'm disturbed by the picture that you paint of being expected to wait on your mother, even in your childhood. It sounds as though she has some serious issues. In addition to seeking a social worker to assess her situation, you might try to find a therapist to help you sort out your feelings of guilt, and help you identify your true obligation to your mom (keeping her safe arranging for her care paid for by her) as opposed to her unrealistic demands ( being waited on, supplying her with "happiness").

Are you her POA? You need to call you local Area Agency on Aging and arrange for a needs assessment. Her doctor may also have indicated to you what her needs were. Does she have the financial ability to hire in home help?

Happy is the parents problem for that comes from the inside for the most part. Safe and cared for are the important needs that need to be met in the most helpful and balanced way.

Don't give into the Guilt game of the F.O.G. from the emotionally abusive person. While you can't change them, you can chose not to dance with them.

Right before reading this I had took down the numbers of some social workers in my area. I am hoping that they can help us find a solution as to whats the best option for everyone. I dont mind waiting on her hand and foot, but I cant take the guilt, demands, disrespect and poor manners. when I am just wanting to take care of her. Great suggestions. I also got a lawyer number to give me some advice in case My family decides to accuse me of any wrong doing since they also try to guilt me. I want to move forward and do whats best for her if it makes her happy or not. I need someone else to step in or I will end up in the hospital.

Same here, and now she resents me because she lost her independence. prayers!

Feeling guilty definitely belongs in this picture, and it is your mother who should be doing it! Expecting adult children to give up their lives is very unhealthy and selfish. If she has done this all her life perhaps she has some mental health issues. If so, that is sad, but It Is Not Your Fault and not your responsibility.

I hope that your brother truly just checks in on her, and doesn't try to become her hands-on caregiver.

I like JessieBelle's suggestion to get a needs assessment for your mother. A social worker can help her understand her options for getting the care she truly needs. Maybe that is something you and your brother can work together on by phone and email, after you leave.

I don't know how to tell you to shut off the guilt feelings. Those can seem to have a life of their own. But I do urge you to make sensible decisions in spite of the guilt feelings. Push those feeling way to the background.

Continue to love your mother. Be an advocate for her and try to see that she gets good care. But DO NOT think you must provide the hands-on care yourself.

It sounds like neither your brother nor you are in a position to provide her with the type of care she is requesting of you. I wondered if her finances would allow her to move into an assisted living community. The problem there would be that they would still require her to do most things for herself. They provide some meals and occasional cleaning. Someone who wouldn't do the normal things of life wouldn't be considered a good candidate.

It would be so much easier if we could tell our parents that they WILL do things and they would do them. It can be such a battle. Many times they want our help, but they want it on their own terms.

Something you might consider is having a social worker come in to access her needs. You can let her know that neither your brother nor you can help to the extent that she is presently requesting. A social worker may have some good suggestions if she knows what your mother can afford. Perhaps having a caregiver coming in for a while each day would be enough, or maybe she needs something more. If your mother is not trying, then giving up your own life to cater to her does not seem to be a good option to me. There are other options that would better meet the needs of everyone, IMO.

Also my brother is crippled on left side of body. He is on several medications and is not in great health. I'm afraid when I leave and he takes over she will wear him down with her neediness. She loves to be waited on and we had to do it growing up and standing up to her and refusing to do what she wants now is hard I feel like I'm disrespecting her. If we refuse to cater to her she goes to bed and says she is in to much pain. I'm just stressed to the max

She has multiple things wrong with her she is overweight diabetic has heart problems.yes I am married. I'm 52 she is 75. I live 250 miles from her. What is so frustrating is no matter what you say to her she continually ask me to do things for her .ive had two back surgeries and I do pretty good but this is wearing on me physically. The physical therapist has this discussion with her almost every secession. Point blank tells her not to wear out your care giver. I wish I were able to care for her but I'm not the guilt overwhelms me to the point of loosing my compassion for her. I feel in a black cloud and I feel responsible for her. I will be leaving going back home in two days and she is terrified my brother will be checking in on her but I have this horrible feeling something bad will happen to her when I leave.

jdonald, could you tell us a little about how old your mother is and what is wrong with her? We also need to know a little about your circumstances, such as if you're employed or have your own family. It would help people make their answers more relevant to your circumstances.

You may have to do tough love with your mother. She is refusing PT and depending on you to do things for her. The trouble is that if she doesn't do things, pretty soon she won't be able to. It is the old "Use it or Lose it" principal. Anything you know she can do, tell her that she needs to do it for herself. Let her know it is for her own good. If she pouts or gets mad, stand your ground. You probably know what she can or can't do.

Do you have a job or family to get back to? If your mother decides she won't get up and do things, you may have to consider placing her in a facility where they can care for her. We do have to continue to take care of ourselves. Sometimes our parents become so self-focused that they forget that their children also need to live. This can have bad consequences, so caregivers have to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Good luck and welcome to the group.