How does someone handle a parent that wants you to give up your life and care for them and refuses to go to nursing home?

Thats the problem my mom never worked and took care of my grandmother until she died so this is why she thinks its ok for me to do the same

Hi - I agree with what's been said about elders outliving their offspring. My mum is with me and with all the running around I do and the lifting of her I often feel that I don't have 25 good years left and that I won't reach her age, but that aside - my neighbour's mum was 100 last year and died not long ago. In her last few years she became very demanding of her unmarried son (like me in my 60s), tried to guilt trip him that she was all alone, no friends left alive, and he always too busy to sit with her and/or take her out (not at all true incidentally). One day he told me that even up to her being in her mid 80s she was a socialite and that the idea of her taking on the role of caring for someone else would have been one that she would have run away from. So I suggested that the next time she complained, he ask her what she was doing in her 60s to try to get her to realise that he too had a life of his own to lead, and he did this. She did appreciate the comparison - but still moaned about feeling lonely. My advice to you is to get her to think about the freedoms she's had in her life and then ask her why she doesn't want you to have the same ones.

Thanks for your feedback. I've been thinking I should do that.

This may seem to obvious of an answer, but you might consider talking at least a couple of times to a therapist. Getting a clear idea of what boundaries you need to set and what boundaries she is breaking with you. Manipulative people are trying to impinge on your boundary space. I can't tell you enough how important it is to know where you stop and she begins. I read something recently where a boundary means "You are responsible "to someone" but not "For someone". You can only do what you can only do and are willing to do within what makes you comfortable. Period. You can get the Agency on Aging involved in helping to find solutions to help her...social services are needed to get whatever kind of care she needs. I know it is hard because as children of aging parents we feel that guilt come one. But once again...talking to a therapist will help you sort out boundaries and what is appropriate to feel and what is not appropriate to feel. I think that until you begin here...you will always struggle. I wish you well.

How do I get her into a hospital? She wont do anything I ask. Shes very stubborn. She thinks this situation is great.

http://www.mass.gov/elders/ None of us want to call 911 on the elderly but as mentioned your first priority is your baby and husband; which means taking care of yourself! The website I listed may have additional phone numbers for you to check with. If that fails get her into a hospital and let the social workers know there is no one at home to take care of her and that you feel threatened and abused being around her. She could be a threat to your baby and that should be brought up as well.

Yikes, your mother is playing dirty tricks on you! Time to fight back (dirty). Call 911 and tell them your mother has tried to kick you in the stomach, tell them she is fighting you and you are pregnant. After they pick her up, bag up all her stuff. Then change the locks. Then go back to hospital and talk with a social worker and tell them she tried to kick you in the stomach and you can't have her back in your home. I am seriously worried about your unborn child, if you have to lie to protect your baby, you just do it. Wash your hands of her, you deserve to have a happy life, so does your baby and husband too. Sometimes social workers and hospitals only care about physical abuse, so use that tool to get her out. You poor thing, maybe someone else on here has a better idea, I know lying isn't the best method, but your mom is willing to do it to blackmail you, beat her to the punch, so to speak!

Ive trying calling people but no one wants to help me. Her doctors office is small and private and they dont have social services. Her doctor doesn't want to see the big picture. Who am I suppose to call? A couple of months ago I told my mother I cant take care of you anymore and her response was "well good then, I will call the cops and tell them you neglect me etc and I will make your husband leave you". Shes already has tried to stir things up with me and him. My mother loves to cause problems.

Also i have tried calling elder services yesterday and they were no help either. Who else can I call..any suggestions??

help me, I wish my mum has been more understanding about a lot of things too but she has made it to 102 and is not understanding. She is needy, self centered and manipulative. She always has to come first - before me, before my hub, before my kids, before my grandkids. Your mum is not going to change unless it is to get worse. She wants all the attention and resources to go to her. It doesn't work. if she doesn't want to help herself that is too bad. She lives with the consequences. You need to get her out of your house soon as you and the baby coming don't need this stress, nor does your husband. I agree start making calls. ((((((hugs))))) and good luck and keep us updated.

Honey, you need to put your baby 1st. Your mom is incredibly selfish! Don't fall for the crocodile tears! I don't blame your husband for being upset. Do you live near Boston? They will have a place that can help her there. I have three sons in their twenties and I would rather be anywhere than to cause upset in their lives. Babies are very demanding, you can't wait until the breaking point and if you don't do something now, you are just prolonging and will cause more damage. Tell your mom she's right, maybe after all the grief she caused you, she is. That's okay. You are a saint, but you are a pregnant saint and need to get rid of her or you will bring your baby into a negative environment. I cleaned out my brother's room right in front of him, you need to be strong for that baby and fight like a tiger. Pick up that phone and start making calls!!!

I just wish she was more understanding now since im pregnant but shes just more needy now then ever. We live in Massachusetts. Believe it or not I have mention the homeless subject and she still doesn't care. I just want her to get thr care she needs without needing me 24/7.

Help me? Tell your mom she needs to go, that she will cause you to get a divorce and then the three of you (you, the baby and her) will be homeless and you are not going to do that to your baby. Tell her she has one week to make plans for herself or you will be forced to drop her off at a woman's homeless shelter. Meanwhile, contact a homeless shelter and tell them you know a homeless woman, that needs help. I had to do the same thing for my alcoholic brother. I packed up his things and found a program and you will too. Can you tell us where you live? Maybe we could be more help here. Love to you and that baby, it's not good for you to be under stress while pregnant, crabby mom needs to go!!!

Tell her doc that he can take care of her then if he thinks she s okay. You cannot bring a baby into this situation. Call 911 and have her taken to ER for mental cognitive changes and refuse to take her back into your home.

Magic words - "Mom, it's not possible for me to do that".

Also her doctor told me really nasty once...that I just cant put someone in a nursing home because shes a person and she would talked down ti me because I dont try harder to make the situation better.

Ive had the talk with her. She just yells and cries that Im abandoning her and all I careabout is myself. I never put her first etc...its useless talking to her

Follow up on the suggestions. You have an impossible situation. Have "that talk" making it clear that you cannot continue to look after her, and that you will help her make other arrangements. I know that is very difficult but current conditions are very difficult too and getting worse. Come back and get support as you go through this. ((((((hugs)))))

My mother outlived my sister. My sister worked herself into an early grave.

Now, mom is healthy and enjoying life and being waited on hand and foot, at the NH. She will be 96 on the 30th of this month.

If your mom made no plans for her health care, later in life, that isn't your problem.
(Yes, I know it is difficult.)

It is absolutely ridiculous that parents have such control over grown children. We do what we can but everyone reaches the point that is just no more we can do! Mom either gets in home help or goes to a facility. People just need to learn their limits and has hard as it is making those tough decisions, they must be made. Mom, I can no longer take care of you. You need professional care that we cannot provide at home. We love you and want the best for you. There is a baby on the way, I have a family 250 miles away that needs me, my health is failing....etc, etc. Make other arrangements. Mom is no longer able to care for herself and the best thing you can do is become the adult and just do what has to be done. Wishing you all the very best! p.s. This does not need a doctor's approval and getting a second opinion is always an option.

Thanks for trying to help tho I appreciate it. I just dont understand why her doctor thinks its ok that shes home alone all day long and cant walk. Im lost for what I can do. My mother is mean and nasty sometimes so that doesn't help.

I don't know what they could do, but I would call adult protective services. Tell them your plight and that you are not longer up to taking care of her plus you have a baby on the way very soon and your marriage is in danger.

You are burnt out and your husband is probably upset partly over this burning your out and is feeling very frustrated over not being able to do anything about your burn out, how much life is going to change with the birth of the baby, and maybe feeling like he's been second fiddle to mom which if mom stays there means he will be third fiddle once the child is born. You're never first fiddle again as a husband until the empty nest time comes around. Then you are free to be a couple once again. However, the relationship still needs work while raising children.

I wish some other people would jump in here. I don't know where everyone that is usually here is today.

Shes living with us. Its a horrible situation and I dont want to take care of her anymore. I know that sounds terrible but im just burnt out and my husband is constantly mad over this all the time. He thinks there should be a quick fix to this and there isnt.

I also am a caregiver. My mother who is my "patient" is also very demanding. The first thing I did was learn to say no. Not as easy as it sounds. At first it is harder on you as you have always done it and why is this time different. If there are things she can do for herself, refuse to do them...eventually she will gain some independence. The second thing I learn was to take mini one hour vacations. Take a walk, read the paper at the park anything that will ground you and allow you to take a breath. I found this also helped with my mother because during my mini vacations when she wanted something she was able to do it alone. I also have a monitor with a GPS on it that I pin to her everyday so I always know where she is.
I hope this helps

Helpme, I see that your post goes back to 7 hours ago as does one thread that you started 7 hours ago. I got confused looking at things and ended up thinking that you had two threads going. Sorry about that.

I don't know if I should answer her or go to your thread. So, I'm going to summarize what I've learned from your thread.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/help-with-disabled-mom-with-multiple-sclerosis-178961.htm

You have been taking care of your mother since you were 18 and she's living in your house. I'll quote the rest from your thread

"2 years ago she fell and broke her leg and my life has been nothing but a nightmare. She still cant walk...she cant really do much for herself accept feed and change herself. In November I found out I was pregnant and since then there has been so much added stress on me and my husband. Her doctors wont help me...my mom doesn't want home health in the house. My mother is coming between me and my husband and the added stress of being pregnant is taking its toll on me. I dont know what to do anymore. My mother needs around the clock care...but she wont willing go into a nursing home she thinks I can handle everything and mind you my husband and I both work fulltime. I need help I really don't know what to do anymore."

It helps to know this information. About the only way that I know that you could move her would be to become her guardian, but a doctor would have to say that she is incompetent which she may not be. I hope someone has an idea how to deal with this.

I am sorry to hear this is coming between you and your husband, particularly with the upcoming birth.

Sounds like she should have gone to rehab and then to a nursing home after she fell and broke that leg.

Are you living with her or is she living with you? I"m not clear.

My mother has MS...so its been on going problem for years it has just gotten worse especially because she cant walk. I work fulltime..im going for over 12 hours a day and she left home alone and her doctors dont do anything about it. I dont know what to do anymore...no one wants to help me.

helpme,

How old is your mother and what are her health problems? She must not be too old with you being young enough to have a baby on the way. Congratulations!

This is probably stupid of me to ask, but did your mother ever give you medical POA? You can still communicate privately with her doctor. I use to write my mother's neurologist when I felt that I needed to and that helped. What about durable POA?

I"m sorry that you and your husband moved in with her two years ago. Was that the only option at the time?

It sounds to me that moving out of there and getting your mother some other kind of help would be ideal.

I feel your pain my mom has been treatingme the same way. My mom has ms and me and my husband moved her in with us 2 years ago and its been nothing but a nightmare. Im not allowed to talk to her doctor anymore because ive been pushing for her to go back into rehab or a nursing home. She refused to work with physical therapy...she kicks the home health people out of the house. I work fulltime so doesn't my husband. Im going on 6 months pregnant and I just dont know what to do anymore.

Chronic pain plus cognitive impairment leads to immobility and loss of independence that is almost unpreventable. It is not wrong to tell her she cannot have what she wants - which is to revert to total dependence with someone familiar to care for her full time in her own home - and the choices are to work on her own recovery at home or to go into care. You don't have to resent her for wanting that - working through pain is hard, hard, hard, and she is just worn out with all her health problems - but you don't have to simply comply with unreasonable requests either. Sometimes it is not at all easy to figure out what they really can't do and just don't want to do but can if they have to. The therapists and maybe a good compreshensive geriatric evaluation could help you with that.

No, she either regains strength by working hard or she can't make the connection and push herself to do that, maybe because she is cognitvely impaired too...or she really needs skilled nursing at this level of function. A lot of skilled nursing facilities have a look and feel of assisted living these days. Start looking. At some point very soon, unless you can line up a lot of resources to make home care manageable, it will have to happen whether she wants it to or not.

Donald.......I can guarantee mom will come down with some malady while you are gone. She wants you there. Please listen to the people on this site. Mom requires more care than you can provide. Your home is to far away to come and go, so your family suffers. Tell mom that you are making other arrangements for her care. If she had been doing the PT like she should, maybe she could stay out of a nursing home, but when she refuses, what does she expect? If she won't go, wait until the next crisis trip to the ER and tell them there is no longer anyone at her home to take care of her. You are allowing yourself to feel guilty for something that isn't your fault. You are doing the best you can and it isn't enough. You brother can't do it either.
An assisted living doesn't sound like a good fit for her. They aren't at her beck and call and she will have to do for herself. She has made this bed and you don't have to lie in it with her. Get going. You can do this.