How does someone handle a parent that wants you to give up your life and care for them and refuses to go to nursing home?

I wish I could tell every single person facing the unreasonable demands of a parent - or really of any human being that they love, and feel they owe a debt of love to - that the right answer to unreasonable demands is usually NO. Meet real needs - not whims and wishes, when meeting them is unbearably costly to other human being. Offer reasonable options, exclusively. There is a time and place to give someone something they want just because they want it, but this is NOT it.

People like this who have no limits set for them only becoming increasingly unbearable and usually no happier for it, ever. It is hard emotionally and rationally to have to be the adult in charge, but you have to be the adult in charge of making and sticking to these kinds of decisions. Loving and caring for someone does not mean doing everything they think you should do for them. It doesn't work in raising children, and it doesn't work in helping aging loved ones. And you don't need to feel guilty about not doing it.

Babalou, I believe this mom is in the daughter's home?

Yes, your mother does have some kind of personality disorder. There are plenty of articles on this site about narcissists and borderlines. They all use emotional blackmail to control their adult children and their are articles about that here also.

Of course she does not like your husband. She sees him as competition for your attention and your having a baby bothers her because that's more competition, plus gives objective proof that you are not her little girl anymore. (This is making me feel very angry toward your mother in your behalf!)

Dam, I think I'd let the whole ____ doctor's office know your pregnant and happy about it! Could your husband go to the appointment as well? The doctor may not feel as free to intimidate him as the doctor is to intimidate you?

Here's an idea. Ask your doctor to contact your mother's doctor to inform them that you are pregnant and that continuing to have your mother in your house is not healthy for your pregnancy and practically speaking you will not be able to care for your mother as a new mother. Maybe one professional talking to another would help. Call your doctor about this in the morning about trying this approach?

Your mother is unfair because she's mentally ill. No grandma to be in her right mind isn't pleased as punch that her daughter is showing unless there is significant mental disturbance going on.

You need to leave and go back home. She has a doctor who can help her figure it out.

No thats ok! Honestly thanks for your help. Ive been so stressed out everything I needed to talk to people that are or havr gone through this.

Sorry, kiddo - didn't mean to age you rapidly!

I am going to talk to my doctor tomorrow.

Im 32 lol but thanks for trying to help me. I appreciate it.

Before you go with her to the doctors, put on your force field and your best spine of steel. You're a 52 yo pregnant lady, with back issues and a fulltime job. You cannot be lifting and moving mom, you need rest. The doctor's opinion of you as a daughter is unprofessional, in my opinion. Remember to use declarative sentences in a firm, calm tone of voice, telling her that you are unable to personally provide daily care and she needs to assist you all in finding a suitable option. Living with you is not a viable option. And for good measure, fly this situation past YOUR doctor and I'll bet you'll get some sound back up on why you are unable to personally care for your mom in your own home.

I think medical providers can sometimes be the worst offenders when it comes to guilt-tripping family members of patients. They want their patients to get the best care possible and they always think family can provide that, so in their minds family should provide that. But I've had the same experience with my own doctors, particularly those of foreign origin. My psychiatrist has urged me to "keep my dreams alive" while not neglecting my responsibilities to my mother. Easy for her to say - she's exactly my age but her parents live overseas, and are cared for by her sister. Don't assume they really know anything about your situation or that their moral judgment is to be respected even if they are medical professionals.

I think she has a mental disorder to. My mother moved in with me twice. The first time I was young and ended up moving out and leaving the apartment to her. I was a little older and wiser the second time. She said it was temporary so I took her at her word and after a couple of weeks of her not looking for another place, I sat down with her and the newspaper every evening and we went though places to rent that she could afford. I pointed out one after another. Finally she got mad and moved out in a huff and found a good place for herself - the YWCA. Your mother can rent a room if necessary.

If she won't cooperate in finding a place for herself by a certain date, then take her to the women's shelter.

You do need a united front. In later years my mother had plans/fantasies for me to move close to her, rent an apartment in her complex and look after her. This would have meant leaving my job, and my family here which she did not even consider. It is all about her and that is what a narcissist is like. They have no empathy for anyone else. That is why your mother is like she is. My mother was not formally diagnosed until she was 96 yrs old, so don't hold your breath. Just get on with doing what you have to for yourself and your family. Social Services in your town may be helpful if you tell them your story. I am not impressed with her doctor, though I know my mother could convince people for a short while that I was a no good daughter and she was a saint. What about your doctor?

If your mum ever has to go to hospital for anything, refuse to take her back - then they have too find a place for her. The may pressure you, but stay firm.
Some of us know, believe me and you have to get her out of your place. Never mind what her doctor says. She does not have to live with her. (((((((hugs))))))

I definitely think thats a great idea. My husband thinks she has some mental type disorder. Ive asked for her doctor to get her some mental health evaluation but it falls on deaf ears. Her doctor believes her phoney-ness and lies. Its awful but the doctor never believes me...she thinks im a heart less daughter and she also once told me that she would never treat her mother this way. Of course she wouldnt she lives in a different country and plus no one really knows how my mother is unless your around her alot.

helpme, if you do some internet searching on "traits of narcissistic mothers", you'll probably be able to check off many of the criteria listed. Lots of theories on why these people are the way they are, why they do what they do, but the most important thing for you right now is to recognize her for what she is. It might sound harsh, but a mother who reacts to her pregnant daughter the way she does is sick. You need to learn the best ways to cope, and maybe a therapist who has some expertise in dealing w/adults of parents w/personality disorders could help.

If she had her wish it would just be me and her until she dies and she doesn't like my husband.

Its really hard to talk to her about any of this. She has doctors Tuesday and im going with her but shes upset im showing now (im going into my 6 months now)because she doesn't want her doctor to know im pregnant. My mother is just so unfair to me and ive been dealing with all this for a long time. I just dont understand why she is so unfair to me or why she feels I cant have my own life. She thinks shes suppose to be my world. Its just very nerve wrecking you know.

When you get together a list of options for your mom, have your husband with you when you present them to her. You need to present a united front as in "this is what we need to do". Also, it's much tougher for a parent to use FOG on someone they don't have a history of manipulation with.

I have the same mother as you. She once told a nurse that she couldn't move in with me because I had a husband, kids and a dog. Ha ha! The nurse jokingly told me I should leave my husband, my kids and get rid of my dog. Give up my life and take care of my mother. That is exactly what my mother wants. She doesn't have much of a life and she thinks I should join her misery. No thank you!

You cannot and should not give up your life. Our mothers truly believe we owe them for bringing us in to the world. My mom thinks that is my duty. I really do not mind helping her and doing for her, but she is so ungrateful and expecting of my help. It has been around 4 years now and my mom now lives in AL and hates every minute of it. I know she is taken care of and that puts my mind at ease in that department. I have other issues I worry about with her, but it is not her care. I too am an only child and feel trapped.

Every town in MA has a senior center where you can talk to someone about what to do. Don't be afraid to try, call every possibilty of how she can be out or less in your life. People like your mother might be very nice superficially to other people because they need company so badly. Take advantage of that.

I used my mother's criticism of me to distance myself. I went along with it: hey, you think I am awful, cold, and uncooperative for you, great. I'll show you how undependable I can be: and guess what? She found other doors to knock on!

helpme, please read back over things and make a list of actual steps that you can take that people have mentioned and tomorrow take some of those steps like make that appointment with a therapist. Like the captain said on Star Trek, "Make It So!"

We are hear for you to listen, encourage and cheer you on, but you are where the boots are on the ground and it is too bad that we can't be right there with you, but I do believe that you and your husband can become a team and find a way out of this mess.

I feel like im going to have a mental break down from the stress of taling care of my mother, my husband, being pregnant and the stress of work im ready to snap.

I dont have a brother im only child. Thats the problem i dont recieve any help and shes alot of work...very demanding after I worked a 9 hour day and wants me to cater to her. Im tired and burnt out and really just need someone to help me with the best way to deal with this.

Another flaw in fearcrionna's logic is that when our parents raised us, they were young and healthy, and their parents were healthy and taking care of themselves. Now that our parents need help, we are also suffering our own health problems which limit what we are physically able to do for them.

My mom was very stubborn as well and refused going to any facility for help. What we did was tell her that her doctor asked us to visit for an appointment and instead we took her to the assisted living facility. We then met with staff at the assisted living facility, had my mother's doctor on speaker phone and basically told her she had no other option, that she was not safe to live alone. She fought with us, yelling and crying, but in the end she finally agreed after we reassured her that all her belongings and her house would be taken care of. She now loves the assisted living facility and is very happy. If your mom has no funds, then apply for Medicaid. Every state is different, so I don't know how it would work in the state you are in. But, if she is in bad shape physically and financially, they should cover the cost. We too felt guilty in the beginning and the first 2 weeks are the hardest after signing them in, but you have to say to yourself that your roles have changed and you now have become the parent and your mom is now the child and you just have to do what is best for her. The assisted living facility my mom is in is actually beautiful and they do offer assistance with bathing, etc. If you do this, just make sure you get the shared room option because in our state they only pay full cost for shared rooms. If your mom is really in bad shape then a nursing home might be better. Good luck and hope it works out.

One of the problems with the comparison fearcrionna is trying to make is that people choose to have children, and they do it at a time when it fits into their lives. If they can't raise children due to their job, living situation, etc., they can choose not to have them. People have children because they want children, and they know they will be dealing with helpless dependent creatures for a long time. Generally there's a lot of enjoyment in that for them, which is mainly why they do it. Generally there's not a lot of enjoyment in caregiving for an impaired elder, especially one who abuses you. Generally it doesn't come along when you have room in your life for it. It doesn't bring fulfillment and happiness. It just can't be compared meaningfully to raising children, but people try to make that comparison to create a sense of obligation and guilt (i.e. you owe her this because she did it for you). Don't buy it.

Just want to say that I totally disagree with feacrionna, above. It is not your responsibility to take care of your mother, no matter how difficult it is or how much it impairs your life. You should not feel guilty. Your mother isn't even trying to make it work for you or your family. She is abusing your good will and good intentions. People will try to guilt-trip you - mostly people who are worried that their families might feel the same way about them. Don't let it get to you.

How many "years" did she wait on you while you depended on her for everything, including financial support. How many "years" did you cut into her life. You better do what you can to enjoy the time you have left instead of worrying about it cutting into your life. Find some help. Your mother needs you, you should feel guilty. It is your responsibility now to make it work. If not, knock her in the head and throw her out in the road. I know I would prefer that to being stuck in a home somewhere away from my family and home.

helpme I agree with many on here who have expressed the need for you and your brother to get your Mom placed in a facility. It is hard to do, We, there are 4 of us, decided that it was time for mom and dad to be in assisted living. They resisted, but we all kept telling them that it was the only way. When asked why, we told them the truth. They were no longer capable of taking care of themselves. This hurt mom's feelings so we switched to how hard this was on us kids. They are both cognitively impaired and so the explanations continued for weeks. but all 4 of us were firm and we told them we were united in our decision. We got the paperwork started and finished for their signature so they could sign when they finally realized they did not have a choice. IT Was Very Hard on All of Us. Some more than others. We share in their care and such, but their safety and well-being is taken care of by professionals!
I pray you find a solution to your problem. You and your brother have no business trying to lift your mom, etc. Your husband and baby are your first concern. As Moms we have a special place in the family and that is to hold it together. YOUR nuclear family. YOU HUBBY and BABY!! Those will keep you busy for years to come!
Many {{{hugs}}}, too!

My Mom is 92 an has been living with me for the past two years. I too found it difficult to give up my normal life to care for her around the clock. My Mom also refused to keep up with her therapy and stay mobile which has made her care increasingly difficult. I became frustrated and ashamed of my feelings towards her. I often yelled at her in my frustration and then felt tremendous guilt. My saving grace is my wonderful nurturing husband that has been beside me on this journey, and believe me when I say that this a journey I never expected to take. I will keep going as long as I can before taking the next step of putting her in a facility. ALL of you are in my prayers and I hope that you will eventually find some medium ground to help you cope through what I know is a hard and often painful time in both your life and the person that you are caring for.

There is a difference between not WANTING to help and not being able to help. It sounds to me like neither you nor your brother are phycically able to take care of your mother's desires, that she sees as needs.I hope that it would help you to be able to tell her, and for your brother to be able to tell her, it is not what you 'want' it is what your body is physically capable of doing. I believe I read that she is overweight. It might seem over the top, but perhaps you and your brother could visit your physician(s) and ask for it to be put in writing so that you can show your mother (and anyone else who might need to know) that you are not physically capable of taking care of her needs. Perhaps if she sees it in writing and signed by your doctor she might believe.

Yes, I think it's hard if you're following in somebody else's footsteps. Then I think the only thing you can do is to try to make other comparisons like - 'I know you did this for your mum, and I want to do the same for you, but I have to also fit in x, y and z that you didn't have to do when you were a carer'. It's worth a try. It's maybe even worth telling a white lie and saying that you have a job that you can't give up as you need the money to survive. My mum lives with me and I do work from home on the internet but if I spent as much time sitting with her as she would like I would never get anything done so although she doesn't actually understand what I do, I do tell her that I have to 'work' and sometimes that gets through - of course my mum's got dementia so her demands are not borne of selfishness, just of fear and anxiety. If they were borne of selfishness I'd be a lot less understanding.