How does someone handle a parent that wants you to give up your life and care for them and refuses to go to nursing home?

Help me? Tell your mom she needs to go, that she will cause you to get a divorce and then the three of you (you, the baby and her) will be homeless and you are not going to do that to your baby. Tell her she has one week to make plans for herself or you will be forced to drop her off at a woman's homeless shelter. Meanwhile, contact a homeless shelter and tell them you know a homeless woman, that needs help. I had to do the same thing for my alcoholic brother. I packed up his things and found a program and you will too. Can you tell us where you live? Maybe we could be more help here. Love to you and that baby, it's not good for you to be under stress while pregnant, crabby mom needs to go!!!

I just wish she was more understanding now since im pregnant but shes just more needy now then ever. We live in Massachusetts. Believe it or not I have mention the homeless subject and she still doesn't care. I just want her to get thr care she needs without needing me 24/7.

Honey, you need to put your baby 1st. Your mom is incredibly selfish! Don't fall for the crocodile tears! I don't blame your husband for being upset. Do you live near Boston? They will have a place that can help her there. I have three sons in their twenties and I would rather be anywhere than to cause upset in their lives. Babies are very demanding, you can't wait until the breaking point and if you don't do something now, you are just prolonging and will cause more damage. Tell your mom she's right, maybe after all the grief she caused you, she is. That's okay. You are a saint, but you are a pregnant saint and need to get rid of her or you will bring your baby into a negative environment. I cleaned out my brother's room right in front of him, you need to be strong for that baby and fight like a tiger. Pick up that phone and start making calls!!!

help me, I wish my mum has been more understanding about a lot of things too but she has made it to 102 and is not understanding. She is needy, self centered and manipulative. She always has to come first - before me, before my hub, before my kids, before my grandkids. Your mum is not going to change unless it is to get worse. She wants all the attention and resources to go to her. It doesn't work. if she doesn't want to help herself that is too bad. She lives with the consequences. You need to get her out of your house soon as you and the baby coming don't need this stress, nor does your husband. I agree start making calls. ((((((hugs))))) and good luck and keep us updated.

Ive trying calling people but no one wants to help me. Her doctors office is small and private and they dont have social services. Her doctor doesn't want to see the big picture. Who am I suppose to call? A couple of months ago I told my mother I cant take care of you anymore and her response was "well good then, I will call the cops and tell them you neglect me etc and I will make your husband leave you". Shes already has tried to stir things up with me and him. My mother loves to cause problems.

Also i have tried calling elder services yesterday and they were no help either. Who else can I call..any suggestions??

Yikes, your mother is playing dirty tricks on you! Time to fight back (dirty). Call 911 and tell them your mother has tried to kick you in the stomach, tell them she is fighting you and you are pregnant. After they pick her up, bag up all her stuff. Then change the locks. Then go back to hospital and talk with a social worker and tell them she tried to kick you in the stomach and you can't have her back in your home. I am seriously worried about your unborn child, if you have to lie to protect your baby, you just do it. Wash your hands of her, you deserve to have a happy life, so does your baby and husband too. Sometimes social workers and hospitals only care about physical abuse, so use that tool to get her out. You poor thing, maybe someone else on here has a better idea, I know lying isn't the best method, but your mom is willing to do it to blackmail you, beat her to the punch, so to speak!

http://www.mass.gov/elders/ None of us want to call 911 on the elderly but as mentioned your first priority is your baby and husband; which means taking care of yourself! The website I listed may have additional phone numbers for you to check with. If that fails get her into a hospital and let the social workers know there is no one at home to take care of her and that you feel threatened and abused being around her. She could be a threat to your baby and that should be brought up as well.

How do I get her into a hospital? She wont do anything I ask. Shes very stubborn. She thinks this situation is great.

This may seem to obvious of an answer, but you might consider talking at least a couple of times to a therapist. Getting a clear idea of what boundaries you need to set and what boundaries she is breaking with you. Manipulative people are trying to impinge on your boundary space. I can't tell you enough how important it is to know where you stop and she begins. I read something recently where a boundary means "You are responsible "to someone" but not "For someone". You can only do what you can only do and are willing to do within what makes you comfortable. Period. You can get the Agency on Aging involved in helping to find solutions to help her...social services are needed to get whatever kind of care she needs. I know it is hard because as children of aging parents we feel that guilt come one. But once again...talking to a therapist will help you sort out boundaries and what is appropriate to feel and what is not appropriate to feel. I think that until you begin here...you will always struggle. I wish you well.

Thanks for your feedback. I've been thinking I should do that.

Hi - I agree with what's been said about elders outliving their offspring. My mum is with me and with all the running around I do and the lifting of her I often feel that I don't have 25 good years left and that I won't reach her age, but that aside - my neighbour's mum was 100 last year and died not long ago. In her last few years she became very demanding of her unmarried son (like me in my 60s), tried to guilt trip him that she was all alone, no friends left alive, and he always too busy to sit with her and/or take her out (not at all true incidentally). One day he told me that even up to her being in her mid 80s she was a socialite and that the idea of her taking on the role of caring for someone else would have been one that she would have run away from. So I suggested that the next time she complained, he ask her what she was doing in her 60s to try to get her to realise that he too had a life of his own to lead, and he did this. She did appreciate the comparison - but still moaned about feeling lonely. My advice to you is to get her to think about the freedoms she's had in her life and then ask her why she doesn't want you to have the same ones.

Thats the problem my mom never worked and took care of my grandmother until she died so this is why she thinks its ok for me to do the same

Yes, I think it's hard if you're following in somebody else's footsteps. Then I think the only thing you can do is to try to make other comparisons like - 'I know you did this for your mum, and I want to do the same for you, but I have to also fit in x, y and z that you didn't have to do when you were a carer'. It's worth a try. It's maybe even worth telling a white lie and saying that you have a job that you can't give up as you need the money to survive. My mum lives with me and I do work from home on the internet but if I spent as much time sitting with her as she would like I would never get anything done so although she doesn't actually understand what I do, I do tell her that I have to 'work' and sometimes that gets through - of course my mum's got dementia so her demands are not borne of selfishness, just of fear and anxiety. If they were borne of selfishness I'd be a lot less understanding.

There is a difference between not WANTING to help and not being able to help. It sounds to me like neither you nor your brother are phycically able to take care of your mother's desires, that she sees as needs.I hope that it would help you to be able to tell her, and for your brother to be able to tell her, it is not what you 'want' it is what your body is physically capable of doing. I believe I read that she is overweight. It might seem over the top, but perhaps you and your brother could visit your physician(s) and ask for it to be put in writing so that you can show your mother (and anyone else who might need to know) that you are not physically capable of taking care of her needs. Perhaps if she sees it in writing and signed by your doctor she might believe.

My Mom is 92 an has been living with me for the past two years. I too found it difficult to give up my normal life to care for her around the clock. My Mom also refused to keep up with her therapy and stay mobile which has made her care increasingly difficult. I became frustrated and ashamed of my feelings towards her. I often yelled at her in my frustration and then felt tremendous guilt. My saving grace is my wonderful nurturing husband that has been beside me on this journey, and believe me when I say that this a journey I never expected to take. I will keep going as long as I can before taking the next step of putting her in a facility. ALL of you are in my prayers and I hope that you will eventually find some medium ground to help you cope through what I know is a hard and often painful time in both your life and the person that you are caring for.

helpme I agree with many on here who have expressed the need for you and your brother to get your Mom placed in a facility. It is hard to do, We, there are 4 of us, decided that it was time for mom and dad to be in assisted living. They resisted, but we all kept telling them that it was the only way. When asked why, we told them the truth. They were no longer capable of taking care of themselves. This hurt mom's feelings so we switched to how hard this was on us kids. They are both cognitively impaired and so the explanations continued for weeks. but all 4 of us were firm and we told them we were united in our decision. We got the paperwork started and finished for their signature so they could sign when they finally realized they did not have a choice. IT Was Very Hard on All of Us. Some more than others. We share in their care and such, but their safety and well-being is taken care of by professionals!
I pray you find a solution to your problem. You and your brother have no business trying to lift your mom, etc. Your husband and baby are your first concern. As Moms we have a special place in the family and that is to hold it together. YOUR nuclear family. YOU HUBBY and BABY!! Those will keep you busy for years to come!
Many {{{hugs}}}, too!

How many "years" did she wait on you while you depended on her for everything, including financial support. How many "years" did you cut into her life. You better do what you can to enjoy the time you have left instead of worrying about it cutting into your life. Find some help. Your mother needs you, you should feel guilty. It is your responsibility now to make it work. If not, knock her in the head and throw her out in the road. I know I would prefer that to being stuck in a home somewhere away from my family and home.

Just want to say that I totally disagree with feacrionna, above. It is not your responsibility to take care of your mother, no matter how difficult it is or how much it impairs your life. You should not feel guilty. Your mother isn't even trying to make it work for you or your family. She is abusing your good will and good intentions. People will try to guilt-trip you - mostly people who are worried that their families might feel the same way about them. Don't let it get to you.

One of the problems with the comparison fearcrionna is trying to make is that people choose to have children, and they do it at a time when it fits into their lives. If they can't raise children due to their job, living situation, etc., they can choose not to have them. People have children because they want children, and they know they will be dealing with helpless dependent creatures for a long time. Generally there's a lot of enjoyment in that for them, which is mainly why they do it. Generally there's not a lot of enjoyment in caregiving for an impaired elder, especially one who abuses you. Generally it doesn't come along when you have room in your life for it. It doesn't bring fulfillment and happiness. It just can't be compared meaningfully to raising children, but people try to make that comparison to create a sense of obligation and guilt (i.e. you owe her this because she did it for you). Don't buy it.

My mom was very stubborn as well and refused going to any facility for help. What we did was tell her that her doctor asked us to visit for an appointment and instead we took her to the assisted living facility. We then met with staff at the assisted living facility, had my mother's doctor on speaker phone and basically told her she had no other option, that she was not safe to live alone. She fought with us, yelling and crying, but in the end she finally agreed after we reassured her that all her belongings and her house would be taken care of. She now loves the assisted living facility and is very happy. If your mom has no funds, then apply for Medicaid. Every state is different, so I don't know how it would work in the state you are in. But, if she is in bad shape physically and financially, they should cover the cost. We too felt guilty in the beginning and the first 2 weeks are the hardest after signing them in, but you have to say to yourself that your roles have changed and you now have become the parent and your mom is now the child and you just have to do what is best for her. The assisted living facility my mom is in is actually beautiful and they do offer assistance with bathing, etc. If you do this, just make sure you get the shared room option because in our state they only pay full cost for shared rooms. If your mom is really in bad shape then a nursing home might be better. Good luck and hope it works out.

Another flaw in fearcrionna's logic is that when our parents raised us, they were young and healthy, and their parents were healthy and taking care of themselves. Now that our parents need help, we are also suffering our own health problems which limit what we are physically able to do for them.

I dont have a brother im only child. Thats the problem i dont recieve any help and shes alot of work...very demanding after I worked a 9 hour day and wants me to cater to her. Im tired and burnt out and really just need someone to help me with the best way to deal with this.

I feel like im going to have a mental break down from the stress of taling care of my mother, my husband, being pregnant and the stress of work im ready to snap.

helpme, please read back over things and make a list of actual steps that you can take that people have mentioned and tomorrow take some of those steps like make that appointment with a therapist. Like the captain said on Star Trek, "Make It So!"

We are hear for you to listen, encourage and cheer you on, but you are where the boots are on the ground and it is too bad that we can't be right there with you, but I do believe that you and your husband can become a team and find a way out of this mess.

Every town in MA has a senior center where you can talk to someone about what to do. Don't be afraid to try, call every possibilty of how she can be out or less in your life. People like your mother might be very nice superficially to other people because they need company so badly. Take advantage of that.

I used my mother's criticism of me to distance myself. I went along with it: hey, you think I am awful, cold, and uncooperative for you, great. I'll show you how undependable I can be: and guess what? She found other doors to knock on!

I have the same mother as you. She once told a nurse that she couldn't move in with me because I had a husband, kids and a dog. Ha ha! The nurse jokingly told me I should leave my husband, my kids and get rid of my dog. Give up my life and take care of my mother. That is exactly what my mother wants. She doesn't have much of a life and she thinks I should join her misery. No thank you!

You cannot and should not give up your life. Our mothers truly believe we owe them for bringing us in to the world. My mom thinks that is my duty. I really do not mind helping her and doing for her, but she is so ungrateful and expecting of my help. It has been around 4 years now and my mom now lives in AL and hates every minute of it. I know she is taken care of and that puts my mind at ease in that department. I have other issues I worry about with her, but it is not her care. I too am an only child and feel trapped.

When you get together a list of options for your mom, have your husband with you when you present them to her. You need to present a united front as in "this is what we need to do". Also, it's much tougher for a parent to use FOG on someone they don't have a history of manipulation with.

Its really hard to talk to her about any of this. She has doctors Tuesday and im going with her but shes upset im showing now (im going into my 6 months now)because she doesn't want her doctor to know im pregnant. My mother is just so unfair to me and ive been dealing with all this for a long time. I just dont understand why she is so unfair to me or why she feels I cant have my own life. She thinks shes suppose to be my world. Its just very nerve wrecking you know.

If she had her wish it would just be me and her until she dies and she doesn't like my husband.

helpme, if you do some internet searching on "traits of narcissistic mothers", you'll probably be able to check off many of the criteria listed. Lots of theories on why these people are the way they are, why they do what they do, but the most important thing for you right now is to recognize her for what she is. It might sound harsh, but a mother who reacts to her pregnant daughter the way she does is sick. You need to learn the best ways to cope, and maybe a therapist who has some expertise in dealing w/adults of parents w/personality disorders could help.