How can I get past the anger, guilt that my husband and mother puts on me?

If I spoke to anyone else the way I speak to myself..!!! I'm blushing at the thought of it. I wouldn't DREAM of being so horrible!

Isn't that ridiculous?

Well said CM. I remember someone saying to me that you shouldn't say negative things about yourself that you wouldn't say to someone else. Don't put yourself down- believe me, when I'm under stress, I do the same thing, but I'm trying to make a mindful effort to stop myself when I do. Please be kind to yourself! I'm gonna keep sending those positive vibes! :)

CG, in spite of the sorrow, guilt, work, stress and yes all the other things too, there you are taking first rate care of your husband, your mother and - I don't doubt - all the people supported by your job. Why are you asking anyone else what the secret is when you're already doing it without even stopping to think?

But the remaining, and big, problem is the bit you don't seem to give any of your care or attention at all; and that is, what happens to you? Who's taking care of you? Why, in spite of all you're achieving, do you still feel that you are, somehow, in some way, in the wrong?

Well here's a clue. "…thru my thick skull…" Yes, well, quite. Along with "peabrain" that is another phrase I would like to see surgically removed from your vocabulary. Instead, please give yourself huge credit for all of the loving, constructive and terrific things you do for other people, apparently without pausing for breath.

Now - speaking as someone whose inner voice is a total cow - I know that giving yourself credit is not an easy thing to do. And the reason for that is, that being fair to yourself is a habit acquired (or not) early on in life, and generally learned by example from those around us - parents, siblings, teachers and other influential figures. Is this ringing any bells? Who were your key sources of praise and approval? - because I'll tell you what: if you can't remember any, it's time you got round to making up the deficit. And we will be more than happy to help!

countrymouse, and mmsylvain, thank you all so much, I never realized all the good people that are care takers, I still can't get it thru my thick skull at to how everyone handles such sorrow, guilt, work, stress, ok all the uglies...is there some secret? You all have been a life saver to me.

I appreciate mmsylvain's comments to cg. Nice and positive. Happy day, peeps.

Hey CG, we learn when we are ready to learn and no judgement here. We are caretakers for a reason, just be loving to yourself when you can. I'm quite sure you have the insight already. It is so hard when you are on the spot and feel a need to help. I'm going to send you some good vibes, good thoughts to support you. You sound like a wonderful person.

Mmsylvai ,
I am the oldest of 3 and as you I found my self taking care of my brother and sister, abuse ...physical and mental. Dad physically.....mom mentally not kidding one bit, then my sister always was the wow of the family...guess what she is in prison for making drugs...I tried for years to tell mom...ok mom no need to pay her rent, buy groceries........ Oh poo sorry, anyway when dad passed 20 plus years mom decied I was the one she would have care for her...not that I mind, but oh shoot I get so frustrated I could scream. Rambling, I am sorry about your son and I know it was a hard row to hoe,glad you and him are doing better, sure I learn soon...thanks for the insite

CG, I was reading your original question of how to get past the guilt, anger that your loved one put on you and truthfully, it's you that's putting the guilt on you. I can say that only because I am the same way. I totally feel responsible for the happiness, sadness, whatever, that my loved ones are feeling and I do that with my children as well. I'm wondering if you were always the responsible one in the family. I'm a first born in a family where alcoholism and mental illness was an issue and from the time I was a toddler, I was taking care of everyone. It took me a long road of being widowed, raising my teenage sons alone and becoming a nurse late in life to realize that I am consumed with "keeping everyone safe" whether it be my patients(rightfully so), my stubborn parents and my son who was going through drug issues. It took my sons crisis to realize that I can only do so much, that I couldnt' hold it all together and if I didn't take care of me, that I would not make it. I was in the ED with chest pains and irregular heartrate- it would've killed me if I hadn't realized that one person cannot manage multiple lives and that my loved ones have made choices that were self destructive to them and that I could not control those choices. Just be patient with yourself because this is a new way of thinking and living than you are used to. Don't call yourself a pea brain, you have done these things out of love and kindness, but now it is time to be kind to yourself and find time for things you enjoy and that refill your soul. It took a crisis with my child to realize that ultimately I had to draw a line because I was enabling all of the self destructive choices that my son was making. He is doing better now and I worry constantly, but I have to leave release that worry to the universe to keep my sanity. Give yourself a break and just take those baby steps we talked about.

No, my aunt does not have my permission to sit and say rude or crude things to my friends. Yes, my aunt can sit in my area at our dinner table. Is it my correct understanding that you believe my aunt would be better off in an ALF? No, you're not arguing, you are judging from where you do not see or hear everything. As for the intimidation factor, she has been in control her whole life (a three time divorced teacher-now that's control) and i feel like it's intimidating to her to NOT be in control. That was a boundary I established long ago. I am now your driver, she didn't like that. I am now your assistant, she loves that. I am now your chef, she loves that. She loves it here. Keep wondering, it'll help your brain stay active.

CG, you are not a 'pea brain.' Gordon Bennett, talk about erroneous core beliefs! - Get Some CBT, girl! - seize the moment, while you're still on a high from (aaaarrrrgggghhh) making an entirely courteous and fair suggestion to your mother! (though I do appreciate the sweat that must have broken out with achieving that - WELL DONE!!! Huge hugs to you!)

DD, I wouldn't call you selfish, not at all - who's happy to have their furniture spoiled or to be embarrassed in front of their friends? But I would look at the other side of the coin too. Your aunt doesn't have your permission to speak her mind or sit in your part of the house? You think you intimidate her… what, in a good way?You're completely entitled to feel as you do, I'm not arguing with that for a second, this is your home; but it does make me wonder if it's the best environment for your aunt. She's only going to get worse, isn't she.

When my aunt was way more with it and sitting around with my friends and me when she first got here making comments like, "Oh, that's bullsh*t!", I told her then, privately, "I am not your girlfriend. I am your niece and caregiver." I think I intimidate her because I don't treat her like a baby. You want to talk about boundaries, there's one. Here's another, when she peed on my thousand dollar couch that I worked hard to pay for, I told her she was no longer allowed on my couches. She has all of her own nice furniture in her own living room. I have established the fact that we are pretty much 'neighbors', not roommates. Call me selfish, but that's how I remain sane.

dirtydimensa, freqflyer,mmsylvain
you all have words of wisdom, as I read your posts everyday I take a little from each and try to file it in my pea brain, this has helped me realize that I am not the only one that is in this situation and I should not feel guilty when I can't do everything in one day that she expects. I did do something yesterday that I thought I would never and have never done, mom said "before you go turn on my computer so I can play a game"......drum roll.......Mom no....oh yes I said the dirty word "NO" you can turn it on when you go to get in the chair...YAY me I almost felt liberated!

I do wish there was an easier answer to it all. What dirtydimensa said is true; with people living so long now, it is posing a problem for the "kids" who are in their 60's. I am fortunate that my folks had me late in life, so I'm still relatively young, but I work a full time job as a floor nurse, so I am physically and mentally exhausted at times. I see this situation as a growing problem and as a society, we are not prepared for it. Yes, my therapist is a wise woman in her statement regarding "giving my life away to others". I think setting boundaries and limits are so vital, because like I said previously, it does take on a life of it's own and suddenly, you are taking on more that you can handle. I have been overdrawn and late on my own personal bills because I have been handling my dad's finances as he was not prepared for the possibility that he may have to put my mom in a nursing home which is what happened. He always thought that he would pass first and she would just live with me. Not great long term care planning! Anyway, pick your battles, prioritize and help with the major stuff as you are able. Don't get caught up in the tasks that are more trivial and "wants" for your loved ones. Or at least, meet one of your needs first- at least once a day. It will save your life and your sanity.

Chickengranny, sometimes people need a *visual* to understand what is going on in your world. Example, I have minor back issues but not enough for me to use a cane, but I decided to try the cane the next time I had to drive my parents somewhere [I am frazzled with driving]..... wow, Mom really took noticed and asked what happened, told her my back was acting up.... that really slowed down the number of calls from her to have me drive her somewhere. On the other hand, it didn't stop Dad from calling me.... and as us women all know, even we were on our death bed, someone would still expect us to make dinner :0

So, try something visual like using a cane, then maybe either your Mom or your Hubby just might notice and start doing things for themselves and maybe for you .

Those words should always echo in our, the caregivers' ears, "...how much of your life do you want to give to others?" Our lives are important, also. Now that people live to be 90 plus, we could end up caregiving our entire retirement years. It's definitely a lifestyle choice that varies, and rightly so, for everyone.

mmsylvain
I agree with you hope 22 says it well, I never thought about it but you are right, I don't know nothing about my self, except how rundown and sad I am, its not that I don't love my mother, but I don't know what living a life for myself is, I live my life for mom and hubby.....it is so sad, I love this place, it gives me so much insite and other things to think about and how to handle them. You all are such a blessing. the new word for today is going to be" baby steps"

Hi again Chickgranny- the above post from hope22 says it so well, especiallly the part about when your loved ones really need you, you can't be run down from doing all the other less important tasks. It will slowly suck the life out of you. This is your one and only life too and like my therapist says, "how much of it do you want to give away to others? I do love caring for my loved ones because I'm that kind of person, but it can take on a life of it's own and then ;you start to lose perspective of what your life has become and any of your own needs. I still have a hard time determining what kinds of things I like, foods, flowers, hobbies etc, yet I can tell you everything that my parents like, can easily pick out things that make them happy but can't identify those that I want and need. Something is wrong with that. Hang in and yes, yes, baby steps..

hope22, rooting for you.

looloo, nice advice.

This thread is helpful to me as well as I am a recovering addict from trying to be everything to everybody. I think what happened to me was I almost had a nervous breakdown and the people who ended up being on the receiving end were actually not the worst offenders.... it became a matter of self preservation to finally hear that word "NO" come out of my mouth. No...it actually rolls off the tongue quite easily after a while...

Eddie,
that made me laugh! I enjoyed the humor and I appreciate the advice.
Thanks

looloo thank you so much for that and you hit the nail on the head when you said "Afraid something bad will happen" YUP and yes maby therapist would help, but I never thought a therapist could help a real nut like me. again thank you and what you said was really heart felt and I appreciate it so much

Makes you want to lay both of them across your lap and spank them, doesn't it? Dare to dream.

Granny, it all starts and ends with you. Stop being a maid! When your husband commands you to fetch something, bring it to him half way. Force Muhammad to come to the mountain. Then let him scream all he wants while you go out for a couple of drinks and a few games of pool. Another option is to buy an iPod Touch and load it with your favorite music: heavy metal. Tune him out. Hopefully he'll run out of saliva before you lose your eardrums.

About your mom, hang out with her 2x a week for no more than 2 hours. Remind her you have a job and a home to take care of and time is a luxury you don't have much of. Your brother, since he lives with her, will have to step up to the plate. Don't compromise, and make a habit of setting your cell to voice mail. Rude messages? Delete them. Anything that sounds like an order, ask if they'd like some fries on the side.

Needy people = entrapment, and you're nobody's beast of burden.

chickengranny -- allow me to be an armchair psychologist for a moment (btw, I have absolutely no professional training in this whatsoever!) - did you say your job is as a Director of Safety? Hmmmm.... And you mentioned being extremely anxious not just at the prospect of saying 'no', but at the possible fallout.
You've got tremendous generalized anxiety, about everything. You've made it your life's mission to handle whatever crisis occurs, while at the same time, mitigating any other possible crisis. I bet you're really really good at it! You take make sure at work that things are as safe as possible, you take care of your animals, your family, etc. But maybe a lot of this drive stems from you just being overly freaked out at the prospect of something BAD happening. Kind of like being superstitious, in a way.
Now that you've been pushed to the brink, your body, your spirit, your common sense, is telling you that it's time to change your approach. I didn't have your exact circumstances, but a few years ago, I was also pushed to the brink, largely due to my own habit of never saying 'no.' I knew I needed help, so I began to see a therapist. She helped me just by listening to my crises first, then breaking down for me my habits and patterns which were no longer serving me, and by coaching me and supporting me as I began to learn new skills, like saying 'no.' I also got a lot of insight into why I was the way I was, and I became a lot more confident with discovering a more assertive part of my personality.
This is actually a time of really big growth for you, so as hard as it will be, keep that in mind. Hugs...
Hope that wasn't too much psychobabble! :)

Been there - done that. Quit trying to be the "good dependable girl". Decide how much you can comfortably handle for both husband and Mom. Then tell them. (Don't forget to allow time for yourself - both for work and personally)

It will take telling them a bunch of times. Better they get used to it now than to have you burn out completely - then who would wait on them.

Offer to help Mom find a housekeeper or assistant or whatever she needs (paid for by her).

When Mom needs something - call you brother and let him know - something like"I'm sure she hasn't said anything, but she needs -----. I'm not available at this time."

The line I finally realized was true _"Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission"

Wow... I too was on the guilt trip bandwagon. Guilt is not something one "gives" you. You give that to yourself. It takes lots of work, but you have to learn to let it go. Get your husband to a Dr. and see if they won't prescribe some anti-depressants for him. Serious surgery and accidents cause changes in the brain. It is not shameful to have to take something to "get back to normal". As for your Mother - do what you can, if she is calling you mutiple times during the day/evening - don't answer the phone. If it is an emergency - she will leave a message and you do what can for that emergency. At some point in caregiving some of us have a tendency to be almost addicted to the drama in others lives. Please, for you own health and safety - pull back a little - spend some time on yourself - take some meditation and/or yoga classes. Get some counseling for yourself as many of us here have done. Take care of you. Best of luck and hugs.

It sounds like your husband is severely depressed or maybe PTSD. That can happen after a bad accident, I know, because I still suffer from it 20 years after having major back surgery. Also, older generations, like your Mom, seem to feel it is the female's responsibility to care for them, not the male's job, even when the daughter is working. Your brother sounds like he is lazy, like mine. Mine is a money grubbing leech who tells me what to do, but won't do anything hisself. Get help for yourself, first. And learn how to say no.

I'd start distancing myself slowly (without them knowing) to take care of yourself. If you don't do this, things will only stay the same or worse, escalate. You're lucky your brother lives with your mom. Take advantage of this!... If there's a problem she'll fall on him.

hi chicken, try not to stress, I heard & actually recently experienced just hearing over the phone about a bad circumstance. made me fold up in pain from a hernia type thing I need to have fixed. dude has two arms & legs like you! he may need to move more for circulation and the exercise. any arguing sounds like a control issue! maybe you can use some friends or church associates to stop by and see mom briefly oftentime's. neighbors too and she may love them & the attention, so you will have it a little easier. God can send a individual from the church who can share the gospel and word of God. with mom and be actually sent & called by God a true servant. where you may not feel comfortable telling mom much about repentance and receiving Christ truly. try doing all thing's for Christ & through his strength! like ( it is written )= even if you gave the least of mine, a cold cup of water to drink, you would not lose your reward's! God bless you, surely many wish they had you / try too never give up!!! in the name of Jesus @ yaw win!!

Earplugs, saying no and go outside to read a book. good advice.