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Mentally I am crashing. Husband is 59...by pass surgery on his leg jan 2014, will not try and help his self, mother 79 wants me at her home all the time, work a job and taking care of multiple things....cant take much more

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Hi chickengranny,

To get better, more detailed answers can you tell us a little more about your situation? Give us some specifics?

At the relatively young age of 59 why hasn't your husband recovered from his surgery that was 5 months ago? Does he have any other ailments?

What's going on with your mom? Is she ill?

Do you have siblings in the area? Other family?
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Sorry, just so frustrated I could scream! My husband has NO other ailments just plain lazy and the doctor said he should be doing fine, went thru test after test and they can't find anything, but he can do what he wants to, which is nothing...really, in front of the tv and hollars at me to get this and get that , I tell him to get it his self and he says "My leg hurts" if I ignore him he screams and yells, so I just do for him so I don't have to fight...I know I am an inabler in that situation, but I can't stand to fight anymore...so tired of that. Mom, physically she does pretty good, pain in her back, she does have diabeties, its under control and a pace maker which is wonderful, just had that checked,she expects me to stay at her house all the time, I have a job to work, take care of her and then at my own home...I have a brother that lives with her, but he stays gone most of the time and she won't ask him to do anything cause"HE IS TIRED" give me a break. Well that's all the family that would even think of doing anything...I know you are sorry you asked,but thanks!
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Yes, without knowing more I'm not sure what help I could offer. Just based on what you are saying, I have found, for the most part, when men are sick, or injured, they just don't seem to tolerate any of it as well as women...I don't want to paint a broad brush stroke over it, but it just seems like most of the women I have known in my life handled medical / injury issues a LOT better than most men did. And I would never even attempt to understand that one....as far as all the other, just based on what you are saying here, it sounds like you have a whole lot going on all at once. I don't know if all this just started happening or if you are used to toting the load for everyone...I am simply recalling in my late twenties when I really started juggling a lot of things from a lot of directions, from a long distance from home, it was quite overwhelming, especially if you are still trying to keep your own job and home going...provide more info when able. As far as a 79 year old...I don't know. I have known 79 year olds who could fare far better than folks twenty years their junior...on the other hand, there are some 79 yr olds who are more feeble than 90 year olds...so age doesn't necessarily dictate the ease with which you can care for someone.
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Men out there, sorry ....just basing on my own life and those I knew/know...
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Well, I have been doing this for about 10 years now and my husband, ok I am not passing judgment on him and I understand your ski injury was severe, but he was up walking 1 day after surg. but its just hard to mow the yard, keep up the house, garden, animals, husband, and then go to moms, yard, clean house, run and get RX, groceries...but that's ok I guess I was just sittin on the pitty pot
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OH yea and work a job....
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Dear learn this word. Say in front of a mirror over and over. NO, NO and a second helping of NO!!!

What he does only works because you give in and, yes, I know what a passive aggressive whiner is like. I married one. But, repeat after me,NOooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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Since I don't have one of those husband deals, I don't know what to tell you...I know what I THINK I'd do, but not in those shoes so I best just keep my mouth closed on that one.... (and the iron skillet in the cupboard...lol) the sibling...oh man oh man, don't get me started. A Mom who is going to give the guys a pass while she depends on you to do it all.....how familiar does that sound to anyone out there...I have one of those....and since I still have it, don't know how good my advice there is either. There is something about that Mom/son connection that for some unknown reason, Mom's just don't want to put on their sons but dont' seem to mind running the daughters ragged. Prior to moving back to my hometown, I recall many many times of making the 250 miles round trip to run an ERRAND because my brother who lived 20 minutes away couldn't be bothered....so what to do...well, it's easy to look back now because now I think I'd call the sibling and tell him look, if I have to leave my job to do this you're going to pay for my gas and mileage. (I had to use my vacation time frequently to do everyday errands because my brother didn't do them...looking back I know he would have done them she just didn't ask him...I discovered half the time he didn't even know about her needing them...but then he also griped about it when I did mention it) Thinking aloud...sometimes now I think Mama mentioned all this stuff needing to be done because she knew she'd get to see me for a visit....I was never settled where I lived and never felt like I had roots there because I lived out of my suitcase more often than not....sounds like you're a people pleaser too....and people pleasers have a hard row to hoe because they end up pleasing everyone but themselves...and then you you get older you sit around and resent it...(talking about ME here...) sometimes I sit here and look at my surrounding predicament and all I can say is...it's all on me......every last bit of it...because we truly do teach people how to treat us ....but believe me I understand where you are coming from.
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I'm on the pot ...a LOT! I hear ya. those early years have turned into 28 YEARS.....years of it !!! oh man...oh man.....palmtree...yes friend...just say NOOOOOOOOO
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Hope22,
I am so sorry you are going thru almost the same thing, and You are 100% right! It is our own fault, and I do resent everything I do...now I need to say no, but GUILT....oh how the guilt eats me up! thanks for sharing and talking to me you all, but its that time to leave work and go to moms thanks so much again, it sure helps to talk sometime.....tears ......thanks again
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Someone told me this once. They said, no is a complete sentence. No. If you say no I can't do that and then they say well .. but ... yada and yada ... you say it again. "No". If they keep it up, you finally say: What about "no" don't you understand?" .... I have found that it works ... not with everyone but with a lot. But, if you say no and then you do something for them, then they are going to come back at ya. Ya gotta be consistent with No. So choose your "no" wisely.
Just a thought on this.
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I so agree on the "no". I retired 3 yrs ago but prior to that I was in your situation too. You deserve peace and calmness too, not chaos and meeting others needs all the time. you have needs of your own. Try to learn to say no and have no guilt doing it. You can only do so much. I know what you mean about the guilt but I have finally come to a point where I do realize that I have to say no for my own sanity and health. I'm 65 and have my 86 yr old mother who has dementia and is mean-spirited AND my alcoholic husband living with me. I'm into "NO" and walk away without guilt. I did it for a long time and finally realize there is a "ME" too who needs attention, rest, calm, and alone time. Good luck.
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I agree with all of you re the NO....and I am getting better at it...I just wish I had gotten better at it a long time ago....but thank God I am finally learning it now......you have to.
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Would you consider possibly downsizing and moving to a condo environment? No lawn to mow, ammenities vary, but mostly it is less upkeep than a single family home.
Any chance a heart to heart with hubby can be constructive?
All else failing, how about some benevolent ignoring of his pleas, or how about you carving out me time away from home, book club, coffee with friends, even catching a movie by yourself can be a mental break.
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And you can say it nicely. But firmly too. And you don't have to give reasons. When you give reasons, they look at is as excuses and then they keep pushing. You just say: No, I cannot do that ... or whatever way you have of saying it. And you repeat it. If they push then you finally have to say "what part of my saying "no" is confusing you? Or whatever works for you. I have learned this the long hard way. And I feel better when I do it. There are always gonna be peple out there to push you around. don't let em.
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Chickengranny, we get a lot of people on here whose mothers are demanding. We get a fair few whose husbands are… not as marvellously supportive as they might be. What you have is two people who have each mistaken you for a doormat.

STOP VOLUNTEERING!

Just for ten or fifteen minutes, sit down and let your imagination run wherever it wants to go. Where does it take you? How would you like your life to be? I'll wait to hear what you think before I say any more.
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Aw thank you all....the word no is so hard for me, but yes you all are right I must take time for my self, it is so easy to say, but to do it? Its like going in to a dark place, "don't know what is in there" then if I say no....what if something happens because I said no? YUP you guessed it I must be a nut, as I write this I see how stupid I am, but what is the first step, moving? No live on a small farm and the animals are my only peace in the day.If I gave that up then I really wouldn't have anything. Sure sounds like I am on the pitty pot, but I am trying to take advice and work it out. Thanks for taking your time to help me with this.
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I completely agree with hope22. It took me a lot of years to discover that I had needs and wants. I was raised to serve everyone and I feel exhausted at only 53, plus I took on a new career change, as guess what, a nurse! So I get to nurse 24/7 after being widowed 10 yrs ago with young kids to raise. But I'm learning- I'm getting better at sending boundaries. I feel guilty a lot of the time, but the world would still rotate around it's axis if I were not here, so my parents would still manage with out me. Just say "no" is great advice.
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mmsylvain,
being a nurse takes a very special person to do such a job, and then caring for others...you do have a lot on your plate, to say no, is going to take some time for me I guess, I could if the guilt didn't eat at me for the rest of the day, I might as well of done it just so the guilt wouldn't consume me. Thanks lady!
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CG, when you're not outdoors with the animals - this is a bit surreal, but bear with me - have you considered earplugs?

The idea is that you beetle about the house doing whatever you do anyway, which I'm sure would automatically include taking excellent care of your husband. Except that you won't hear him squawking for extra, superfluous attention, and you won't hear the phone ring. Then, say, once or twice a day, you take the earplugs out and call your mother to catch up on any actual needs she has, which you attend to at scheduled times that are convenient to you. And I do mean Needs, not Whims and Fancies. The rest of the time you sail around with a blithe expression on your face. Nobody suffers any material harm and you stop feeling like a trainee housemaid and gopher.

Now you could do that literally - soft foam earplugs are very cheap, comfortable to wear and available at any ordinary pharmacy - or you could seek some counselling to help you do it mentally, thus avoiding your nearest and dearest thinking you've gone a bit peculiar. But DO IT. You are nobody's slave and it is high time to correct this error on the part of the people who are supposed to love you best in the world. And, I am sure, DO love you best in the world - but don't quite get what that should mean about how they treat you.

Mms, I have the greatest respect for the nursing profession, and it is also very good to see someone exchange an unpaid family role for a respected career path, with things like training and salary increments and a pension attached to it. Good for you! May your new career be as rewarding and fulfilling as you could wish.
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Countrymouse,
I have to laugh about the ear plugs, I am a Director of Safety and earplugs is just a ( . ) in what I do at work, but ya know I never thought about that! :0)
the words you wrote I really take to heart and the sad thing for me is that I know you are right, its like you almost know what I am feeling, and I really appreciate you and the others for your pep talks, they make me think beyond the box.
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Believe me chickegranny, I still say yes way more than I say no, but even occasionally just setting a boundary gives me a small victory and just gives me a little less reason to be resentful and lets me recharge my batteries. The guilt is always there but it feels good to find just a little space and compassion for myself. Small steps my friend,... just take small steps.
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Is your husband getting pt or pain meds?
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Thanks mmsylvain yup, I will take small steps, thanks!
ba8alou: my husband does not take any pain meds except for Tylenol once in the morning and once at night....that's it! his medications ....he takes 1 blood thinner, fish oil, but no "pain meds" just won't do nothing to help his self.
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Well, here goes...she put the big whammie on me yesterday. I was getting ready to take mom to the grocery store...she told me she needed to go to Lowes, I asked her what for? she said she wanted to get some potting soil to put in a big pot so I could plant some herbs in it, so I went to lowes, whe says "take me to the front door and let me out" I said just for dirt? (she has to ride a butt buggie to get around in the stores) Ok front door she gets out I go to park, when I get in the store...no mom...no butt buggie....ok she is like the wicked witch on a broom zoomin all over the store, so she makes a purchase
of a ref. ok yea she needs a new one, but then says ok you have to move the stove, drier, dish cabinet and then the ref. yup they are all in one room side by side with a door at the end. JOY! I almost broke down and cried, I don't cry, so now that needs to be done and I am 5'2 at 128lbs, sure I can lift and pull up to about 75 lbs and carry 50lbs of feed on my shoulder down to the barn, but appliances? right... Didn't get a chance to say no.... so here I go
Thanks for listening. It really does get rid of some of the GRRRRRRS!
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CG, no. No. That is not what is going to happen, never again.

She needs a new refrigerator, fine. She needs her kitchen rearranged to install it, fine. Then she needs to find a capable person to do it, and that means not a lady of 5'2", it means either the customer service people at the electrical goods store or perhaps a local handyman whom she pays a nominal figure to do this fairly straightforward job for her. Who cares who? - as long as it's not you.

So, you see, you don't have to say no to the new fridge, or no to her having it installed. The only thing you need to say no to, is the putting your back out for a week bit. Stop allowing her to assume that you can, let alone will, move mountains for her. If a task is too much for you, speak up. No harm will come to her.

Didn't get a chance to say no? She does not operate you by remote control. But, mentally, that is what you are allowing her to do. Take the zapper off her. Come on, this is crazy! HOW, exactly, does one person go about forcing another person to move physical, material objects? She can't, can she.

Imagine this. She purchases her refrigerator at the store where she'd told you she wanted to go for a bag of compost. THERE is the point at which you look at the fridge, and you look at her, and you look at the salesman, and in front of witnesses you ask "and how, dearest mother, are you planning to get that home? On your head? 'Coz I ain't hauling it." The likelihood is that the bright sales rep., with an eye to his commission, will leap in with offers of delivery and installation service. Great! Ideal. Mother gets her new fridge, the working man is worthy of his hire, and your back is safe. Win win win.

Hm. I suspect that what you want is some quick and easy techniques for dodging this kind of trap. Find your friendly neighbourhood counsellor and arm yourself!
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Oh oh oh oh....CG...noooooo I tell you from personal experience it is not going to stop until YOU stop. And after a lifetime of saying yes, it is not easy...and I still forget myself...but I am getting a lot better at it and it is because I saw myself and felt myself breaking down....so YOU will have to be the one to stop it...And the whole buying of the pooting soil so YOU could plant herbs...thanks for adding one more thing for me to do .....I feel for you...but YOU have to stop...because until you do THEY won't
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Ohhhhhh potting..POTTING soil. I am so sorry
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And for a while the guilt may eat at you...sure it will....that is what happens when you start making changes..it takes a little while to get the hang of it...but honestly you are going to have to do it...and take the baby steps....it is amazing how soon it catches on...and it feels so good...and then you feel up to it when they actually have something that MATTERS and they truly DO need your help...otherwise you're going to be so resentful all the time...because that is what it did to me. seething in resentment, but still running at their beck and call, until you put your foot down....
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countrymouse
I am not looking for some easy techniques for dodging this kind of trap. needed to vent is all. and all of this falls on my shoulders as GUILT she can put on me, I try not to allow it, but ya know what I feel the bottom just dropped out.
thanks for listening and take care.
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