How can I get my husband to give up driving?

We had two vehicles. I noticed that my husband with dementia did not mind me driving my car, but he had a major problem if I drove his SUV. He would argue that I pull off the road and let him drive. While getting an oil change at a dealership, I convinced my husband that both of our vehicles were old and we needed to trade both of them in for a new SUV. The dealership came and picked up his vehicle. It was not the most economical solution but he has never wanted to drive the new SUV, nor could he ever figure out the keyless system. I think his vehicle reminded him of his old life and independence that is slipping away. He threw a fit when the dealership drove off with his vehicle, but forgot about it the next day.

For my grandmother my father removed some part from the car that had to do with the starter. We always kept telling her we would get it fixed, never did. She had to many close calls and didn't have the right to hurt other people. When the time for not driving came for my mother it was because she was put on Morphine for her osteoarthritis and even she knew she should no longer be driving as she would no be considered impaired.I also explained should there be an accident and it was discovered how much morphine she was on there would be a lot of legal trouble especially if she hurt someone. This is a hard subject because it is not just about not driving but so symbolic of how their life has changed .

I've submitted the paperwork for my mother to her doctor within the past week, and her doctor will include his evaluation/recommendation to the DMV. I'll write back when we get the response, but I predict that it'll go much as it did for daughter52, with LOTS of discussions over and over. She will also be indignant and will have another reason to consider me an 'enemy'. My mother has been this way when we began taking over her mail and finances over 6 months ago. Very emotionally tiring and exasperating to go through constantly, but these discussions, and you folks on them, really give me so much strength, encouragement, and great advice. Stay strong, you can do this :)

It's been 5 years since the car and driving privileges were taken from my mother. I'd like to say it was done and over but it was not. It's been 5 years of frequent 'discussions' over the car issue and even now, it still crops up. In our case, a family member needed a car so my mother reluctantly gave the car to them to help them out. But she thought she would get another. Many years of lies and excuses as to why that couldn't happen. We went the Doctor and DMV route and had looooooooooong discussions as to why she wasn't driving. It didn't matter. She would bring the subject up again. She would often think it was a conspiracy against 'old people'. I even printed up a copy of the motor law that dealt with it. She wouldn't read it. I have the only car now and my mother's name is not on the insurance. I also keep the keys with me at all times (just in case). After all this time, the subject does not come up as much. Sometimes out of the blue she will say, "I guess I will never drive again". I ignore it or keep it light.
I agree with the first advice on this thread to have at least medical and legal backing. Then they should not have access to a vehicle. Then hold on because the 'fight' will not be over easily. Good luck to you and have patience.

My husband's doctor was the convincer in his case. The doctor told him that, since he was on Namenda, should he have an accident the insurance company would be unlikely to cover the accident if that came to light in the investigation. That revelation was enough to convince him to allow me to do the driving. I constantly assure him that I need him to "navigate" - watching for stop lights, signs and other pedestrians. He feels like he is helping with the driving although he is not behind the wheel. Talk to the doctor! A discreet call to his office prior to a visit will take you off the hook.

This is the biggie for a guy. Insult to his masculinity. I dropped the doctor's nurse practioner because of this. She was not the help she should have been according to the 36 hr book. Try not to be a wuss like I was in the beginning. Finally, my daughter needed the car and he gave the keys to her easily. He never got those keys back! I hid them and I still do. Appeal to the fact that he can still drive but can he find the doctor's ofc, etc.? My husband knew he did not even remember who the dr. was...and he got to thinking-- they do have a fear of getting lost.
I never had him tested because the only person who tested people for the DMV was sick. The states nearby were not testing people from our state -- I heard older people had a lobby so as not to lose their license.

My husband would tell me to cross Rt 1 when the light was red, etc.No one was coming in both directions BUT!! (under by breath I would say -- That is why you are NOT driving!)

Hang in there. Once you have got the keys hidden, you will be relieved. He can get in an accident and hurt himself and possibly others not to mention damage to the car. After a while my husband calmed down and accepted it. I have to drive him everywhere but the alternative is worrying about him being out there in traffic...

It helps to enlist others to convince him. You children, his siblings, friends....

Driving is one of the stickiest issue for our aging parents. Men, particularly, seem to think their identity is tied to driving,so convincing them to quit is hard.

Generally, it's best to do what has been suggested. Approach the doctor first and ask that he or she send a letter to the Department of Motor Vehicles (or whatever your state calls the driver's license department) a copy to your husband saying that he needs to quit driving due to his health problems. The letter needs to specify the disease (Alzheimer's) and how the stages are progressing. You and your husband should also receive a copy.

I've heard from people that some states aren't responsive to this approach which appalls me. Families need to be backed up by the people who enforce laws. I believe, however, that in most instances you will get the backing that you need.

You'll still have a battle because your husband is likely to say they are wrong and try to drive anyway. I wish I could tell you that with steps a, b, and c the problem will go away, but it won't.

Just an example: My dad voluntarily gave up driving because of poor eye sight which was before the surgery that caused dementia. After dementia set in, he insisted he could drive and went through frustrating stages where he fought the restraint of not driving even though he could barely control his feet to walk with a walker and his eyes had grown much dimmer. It was a survival thing, I think. He'd lost so much and was reaching back into his brain for something affirmative. So horribly sad, but that's how it goes sometimes.

Blessings, my friend. I hope you get the support you need. Stay strong on this. Logic won't likely work for your husband, but you know that he could run down a child or worse. There's not much wiggle room here.
Carol

Every state has their own laws. Check with the state you live in. I am familiar with Ohio's law. Check when his license needs to be renewed. Hopefully soon and hopefully he will not remember to renew. To reinstate, he should have to take the driving test. Hopefully if he is of sound enough mind to even take the test, he will not pass. My bet is that he will be afraid to take the test for fear of legally being told not to drive. pamstegman and aprilgal - Ohio's law responds to a letter from the family. The family doctor sent a letter, received a form from the BMV where he was to check that FIL was not mentally sound enough to drive. Doctor didn't check that so in the eyes of BMV, he was still ok to drive. Because of this, FIL was given 90 days to take his driving test. Fortunately, he never followed through. If he had, at the age of 94, he would still be driving. He has RA, in excruciating pain, in a wheelchair.

It is not uncommon for your hubby to be stubborn about this. It is not uncommon for hard feelings to develop but he will forget if he has Alzhemiers

I spoke to my husband's doctor after he kept coming home with dents, missing mirror, etc. that "he didn't Know how they got there". It's done anonymously to the patient and he will get a letter from the state.

The Division of Motorist Services is very interested in your concern. Any physician, person or agency who knows of any licensed driver's or applicant's mental or physical disability is authorized to report this to the DHSMV. Call your husband's MD and ask him to file the report.