How can I get my husband to give up driving?

The Division of Motorist Services is very interested in your concern. Any physician, person or agency who knows of any licensed driver's or applicant's mental or physical disability is authorized to report this to the DHSMV. Call your husband's MD and ask him to file the report.

I spoke to my husband's doctor after he kept coming home with dents, missing mirror, etc. that "he didn't Know how they got there". It's done anonymously to the patient and he will get a letter from the state.

Every state has their own laws. Check with the state you live in. I am familiar with Ohio's law. Check when his license needs to be renewed. Hopefully soon and hopefully he will not remember to renew. To reinstate, he should have to take the driving test. Hopefully if he is of sound enough mind to even take the test, he will not pass. My bet is that he will be afraid to take the test for fear of legally being told not to drive. pamstegman and aprilgal - Ohio's law responds to a letter from the family. The family doctor sent a letter, received a form from the BMV where he was to check that FIL was not mentally sound enough to drive. Doctor didn't check that so in the eyes of BMV, he was still ok to drive. Because of this, FIL was given 90 days to take his driving test. Fortunately, he never followed through. If he had, at the age of 94, he would still be driving. He has RA, in excruciating pain, in a wheelchair.

It is not uncommon for your hubby to be stubborn about this. It is not uncommon for hard feelings to develop but he will forget if he has Alzhemiers

Driving is one of the stickiest issue for our aging parents. Men, particularly, seem to think their identity is tied to driving,so convincing them to quit is hard.

Generally, it's best to do what has been suggested. Approach the doctor first and ask that he or she send a letter to the Department of Motor Vehicles (or whatever your state calls the driver's license department) a copy to your husband saying that he needs to quit driving due to his health problems. The letter needs to specify the disease (Alzheimer's) and how the stages are progressing. You and your husband should also receive a copy.

I've heard from people that some states aren't responsive to this approach which appalls me. Families need to be backed up by the people who enforce laws. I believe, however, that in most instances you will get the backing that you need.

You'll still have a battle because your husband is likely to say they are wrong and try to drive anyway. I wish I could tell you that with steps a, b, and c the problem will go away, but it won't.

Just an example: My dad voluntarily gave up driving because of poor eye sight which was before the surgery that caused dementia. After dementia set in, he insisted he could drive and went through frustrating stages where he fought the restraint of not driving even though he could barely control his feet to walk with a walker and his eyes had grown much dimmer. It was a survival thing, I think. He'd lost so much and was reaching back into his brain for something affirmative. So horribly sad, but that's how it goes sometimes.

Blessings, my friend. I hope you get the support you need. Stay strong on this. Logic won't likely work for your husband, but you know that he could run down a child or worse. There's not much wiggle room here.
Carol

This is the biggie for a guy. Insult to his masculinity. I dropped the doctor's nurse practioner because of this. She was not the help she should have been according to the 36 hr book. Try not to be a wuss like I was in the beginning. Finally, my daughter needed the car and he gave the keys to her easily. He never got those keys back! I hid them and I still do. Appeal to the fact that he can still drive but can he find the doctor's ofc, etc.? My husband knew he did not even remember who the dr. was...and he got to thinking-- they do have a fear of getting lost.
I never had him tested because the only person who tested people for the DMV was sick. The states nearby were not testing people from our state -- I heard older people had a lobby so as not to lose their license.

My husband would tell me to cross Rt 1 when the light was red, etc.No one was coming in both directions BUT!! (under by breath I would say -- That is why you are NOT driving!)

Hang in there. Once you have got the keys hidden, you will be relieved. He can get in an accident and hurt himself and possibly others not to mention damage to the car. After a while my husband calmed down and accepted it. I have to drive him everywhere but the alternative is worrying about him being out there in traffic...

It helps to enlist others to convince him. You children, his siblings, friends....

My husband's doctor was the convincer in his case. The doctor told him that, since he was on Namenda, should he have an accident the insurance company would be unlikely to cover the accident if that came to light in the investigation. That revelation was enough to convince him to allow me to do the driving. I constantly assure him that I need him to "navigate" - watching for stop lights, signs and other pedestrians. He feels like he is helping with the driving although he is not behind the wheel. Talk to the doctor! A discreet call to his office prior to a visit will take you off the hook.

It's been 5 years since the car and driving privileges were taken from my mother. I'd like to say it was done and over but it was not. It's been 5 years of frequent 'discussions' over the car issue and even now, it still crops up. In our case, a family member needed a car so my mother reluctantly gave the car to them to help them out. But she thought she would get another. Many years of lies and excuses as to why that couldn't happen. We went the Doctor and DMV route and had looooooooooong discussions as to why she wasn't driving. It didn't matter. She would bring the subject up again. She would often think it was a conspiracy against 'old people'. I even printed up a copy of the motor law that dealt with it. She wouldn't read it. I have the only car now and my mother's name is not on the insurance. I also keep the keys with me at all times (just in case). After all this time, the subject does not come up as much. Sometimes out of the blue she will say, "I guess I will never drive again". I ignore it or keep it light.
I agree with the first advice on this thread to have at least medical and legal backing. Then they should not have access to a vehicle. Then hold on because the 'fight' will not be over easily. Good luck to you and have patience.

I've submitted the paperwork for my mother to her doctor within the past week, and her doctor will include his evaluation/recommendation to the DMV. I'll write back when we get the response, but I predict that it'll go much as it did for daughter52, with LOTS of discussions over and over. She will also be indignant and will have another reason to consider me an 'enemy'. My mother has been this way when we began taking over her mail and finances over 6 months ago. Very emotionally tiring and exasperating to go through constantly, but these discussions, and you folks on them, really give me so much strength, encouragement, and great advice. Stay strong, you can do this :)

For my grandmother my father removed some part from the car that had to do with the starter. We always kept telling her we would get it fixed, never did. She had to many close calls and didn't have the right to hurt other people. When the time for not driving came for my mother it was because she was put on Morphine for her osteoarthritis and even she knew she should no longer be driving as she would no be considered impaired.I also explained should there be an accident and it was discovered how much morphine she was on there would be a lot of legal trouble especially if she hurt someone. This is a hard subject because it is not just about not driving but so symbolic of how their life has changed .

We had two vehicles. I noticed that my husband with dementia did not mind me driving my car, but he had a major problem if I drove his SUV. He would argue that I pull off the road and let him drive. While getting an oil change at a dealership, I convinced my husband that both of our vehicles were old and we needed to trade both of them in for a new SUV. The dealership came and picked up his vehicle. It was not the most economical solution but he has never wanted to drive the new SUV, nor could he ever figure out the keyless system. I think his vehicle reminded him of his old life and independence that is slipping away. He threw a fit when the dealership drove off with his vehicle, but forgot about it the next day.

This is probably the most difficult issue to manage. I have worked on dedicated dementia units where there were clients who still thought they could drive. They would look ou the windows at parked cars looking for "their" car, Also as a case manger in the community I have seen elders drive without a valid license, ignore the doc and the family. Maybe best to "misplace" the key or send the car for extended "repair". My own mother eventually forgot her car was being fixed and gave it up. However, every so often she would wonder why it took so long to get the parts to complete the "repair".

Notify the MVA, give them the reasons. You may want to make it as an interested person, with out your name, to protect your privacy and to keep your husband from learning about your report.

Same problem with my Dad. Someone suggested a local policeman who does drivers' assessments as a part time job. Best $70 we ever spent. He provided a written checklist, much like a driver's test. Dad would not believe any of us, but a paid expert's opinion carried enough weight. Of course we primed the situation a bit by talking to our paid examiner beforehand.
We gave his car to his granddaughter who we made sure was always very grateful and who thanked him at all opportunities. Sure he still talks about driving again, but it is easier to be firm or laugh off the subject when the deed has already been done.

My father did not have dementia but he did realize he was driving slower (actually at the speed limit or slightly under) but in our state (NJ) too many drivers like to fly above the speed limit and will ride the back bumper of elderly or any driver doing the suggested speed limit. It began to get him upset and angry. So I started driving him everywhere and told him he had graduated to the wealthy class no longer needing to be bothered driving but had his own personal driver, me. He saw the humor in it and went with it.

However, I kept his car, kept it registered and he kept his driver's license --just chose not to drive. He liked seeing his car parked at our home. He wanted to keep the driver's license --for his self respect. He just " graduated" to not having to drive--he was good with it. However, if you force the giving up of the driver's license they feel diminished and will not accept it. I think it is best to sell the idea that they have a personal driver not that they are unable to drive any more.
Actually my father was able to drive when he stopped, it was the other drivers he did not wish to deal with.

Finally, if you take their license --you must provide a driver on demand. So be ready to drive a lot, even when you are tired and would rather stay home. Otherwise, you will face tons of resentment.

Yes you can do the doctor to motor vehicle route and revoke the driver's license--but that should be the very last resort. You have to deal with the elder after this event which most will never forgive or forget.

Some adult children mean well but taking the drivers license of the elder becomes a power trip for the child who will "show" the parent they are "in charge"---it isn't about the adult child or should never be. Do what safeguards the parent but preserves their dignity as well has their safety on the road.
Good luck.

Tough! Do you want him to kill someone else or himself driving? Take away the keys, or in my case a remote starter. When my husband lost his way to the VA some 11 months ago, when he returned I told him he no longer could drive our new car. He has since made some remarks about, "Yes, I could drive if I wanted to", and I say, "Sure you could dear", and the subject is ended. He does admit now to others he better not drive. He was a former pilot and could find anything in the air, but on the ground his directions would get mixed. He never goes anywhere without me, and I like knowing I get him there safely and I know where he is at all times.

I haven't been in this situation, and you already got wonderful advice. For now, I would just hide the keys from him, which may be hard to do. When its time for the store/Dr appt you can tell him you want/need to drive or have a friend take you both until he realizes he can no longer drive. I wish you luck.( Again, check with your Dr about my suggestions, I don't want to be wrong )

Well the only answer is going to the doctor,we wrote a list of things my mom was doing,and gave it to the receptionist,the doctor read this before we went in to see him.She didn't have a problem with the doctor telling her she couldn't drive any longer.It worked for us.God luck

The state of Montana is the worst at helping families in this predicament. When my mother had macular degeneration so bad that she could see nothing, except the headlights of approaching cars (and those were seen in double), my daughter tried to call the DMV anonymously. She was scolded and accused of just, "Trying to get back at her grandmother."
Now my father, a retired policeman, is beginning to be unbelievably scary. My brother tried to get the eye doctor to send the forms in, but was told my dad had to sign them and the DMV said my brother also had to sign them. I wrote to the AG, but didn't get a reply. Finally, in frustration, my brother brought in the eye doctor report and handed it over to the DMV. He told them, "there, now you are responsible." He was met with scorn and argumentation.

My husband's neurologist delivered the bad news, so hubby resents the doctor, not me. That didn't stop hubby from taking the car unbeknownst to me one day. Thank goodness nothing happened. In general, he is more than willing to have me do all the driving, but there are days when he rants about that doctor who doesn't know what he's talking about. As luck would have it, his SUV is under the massive GM recall. I have convinced him that the vehicle is not safe to drive and the manufacturer doesn't have the parts to fix the problem. Meanwhile, my brother (a mechanic) suggested the following: have the car key reproduced, but not programmed. It will open the doors, but it will not start the engine.

I wrote about about a month ago concerning my husband's wanting to drive after discovering that he had lost 95% of the vision in his left eye and 70-75% in the other to Glaucoma. I was truly in a panic that day! Well, God and the angel of batteries were working overtime that day. When he tried to start his car, he discovered that the battery was dead! We took my car and the things we needed to pick up fit fine just tine. The other day he asked me to call AAA to get the battery replaced. I told him to call them himself, knowing that he would forget about it. He didn't mention it any more, and he is scheduled for surgery on his left eye this coming week. I plan to call the nurse, as many of you have suggested, and ask for the proper forms to be filed and for the doctor to TELL him that he cannot drive any more. One of my neighbors suggested cutting a wire or disabling the car in some way. Hopefully we won't have to do anything after this week if the doctor will be supportive. Since he is the one who is doing the eye surgery, I am sure he will be! My mother's doctor said it was up to the two of us; he was no help at all. I ended up keeping her car at our house when she was admitted to an ALF, and someone asked to buy it. That solved the problem until the tirade that ensued when Mom found out. I don't think she ever forgave me, but at least she and others were safe because of my decision. It has to be very difficult to lose one's independence. The more we can just integrate it into our lives without a lot of discussion, the better off we will all be. I admire all of you so much and certainly empathize with what you are having to do. My support and prayers are with you. Maybe the "angel of batteries and car parts" will come to your aid...with a little prompting and help from you. :)

We downloaded the forms from the DMV's site and reported my mother as an unsafe driver. It took about a month for her to get the letter. They suspended her license until she could pass a written test and a driving test. She is 91 and demented so she would never be able to pass either of those tests. I had to listen to her complain for about a year about how she "needed" her license back, take me to the DMV ect.... It finally stopped. Bottom line is she cannot drive because she is not safe and I do not want her running over a 4 year old. End of discussion.

One thing you could do on your own: take his car keys and slightly file down the ignition key so that when he tries to start the car, he cannot. Or you could move the car - to someone else's house and then say the car is being repaired.

After the neurologist diagnosed the ALZ condition in a couple for whom I'm a caregiver, she also corresponded with the DMV stating their conditions and that they should not drive. The DMV sent letters for the couple to stop driving and to turn in their licenses and get state-issued ID cards. It was not an easy route, but after many mental lapses, continuous direction to stop driving by the neurologist and my urging and nudging for the keys, I obtained them. Make sure, however, alternate modes of transportation can be arranged and post what they are with telephone numbers in conspicuous places. Good luck!!

We had two vehicles and I was afraid that my husband would drive HIS car when I wasn't there, so I convinced him that our granddaughter (in college) needed a car and we no longer needed two. He reluctantly gave it up and didn't mind that I did the driving since it was MY car. I also suspect that he knew he doesn't know where places are or how to get there any more. He still thinks he can drive and I let him think it, but he never asks to do it. After we come home from a longer trip, it seems as though he thinks he did part of the driving. He'll say "when I was driving...." Oh, it means being creative in finding ways to handle each and every situation!

when the time came to convince my mom to give up driving.
I told her mom I love you but your driving ability has been frightening me.

You don't see as good as you used to and your reactions have slowed.
Since I don,t feel safe anymore I won't be riding with any longer.
She (my mom) gave it up and used her car as a trade in for a new one for me.
O coarse I now drive her everywhere!

worth the small sacrifice.

hope this helps

Linda S.

I am dealing with a similar situation. My mother insists that she can drive despite her doctors (multiple doctors) advice against her driving due to her Dementia.
Laws vary from state to state. It's not as simple as getting a doctor to report the diagnosis to the department of motor vehicles.
In my state, there is nothing I can do or that my mother's doctors can do without her signature or authorization. This makes no sense to me.
In my state they will continue to give my mother a license and allow her to drive as long as she has she passes the written and driving test.
I do not have POA so my hands are tied.
The only thing I can do is keep the car out of sight and keep the keys away from my mother. If I don't do what I can to prevent her from driving she could hurt or kill someone on the road.

My 79 year old mother with Dementia insists that she can drive and will call the police to tell them we are not letting her drive. In my mother's state we are powerless over getting the DMV to prevent her from getting a license, despite her Dementia. Her doctors (multiple doctors) have all documented her diagnosis and recommendation that she no longer drive. In my mother's state, the want her signature or acknowledgement that she has Dementia and cannot drive. Some states will give a license and let anyone drive.It's up to my brother and I to keep her car and keys awAy from our mother. We do not have POA.

My brother and I tried the writing the letter of things our mom was doing (on top of hospital discharge papers saying she could not drive) and faxed it to her doctor to read this before her appointments to see him.
Due to her Dementia, she said my brother and I told "lies" to her doctors she was ill and should not drive. Dementia is a horrible disease.

I have the same problem with my husband. He was diagnosed two years ago. I sold his car. The doctor told him he could no longer drive so he resents me and the doctor. He asks every day and night. I can't stand it. I contacted the DMV to report him as an unsafe driver. They sent a form for the doctor to fill out. The form stated he has dementia and some memory loss but at the end of the form it asks if the person is safe to drive and the doctor said yes. I sent the form back and attached a letter stating I want him to come in for a written and on the road test which I know he will not pass (hopefully). Still waiting for the DMV to contact him but right now his license is still valid which I told him it was not. I have tried another strategy and ask him if he wants to drive when we go out and he usually says no. I ask him if he goes out alone driving if he knows how to get back home and he said no but insists that he will be OK. I work and am not home with him and he is bored so he wants to get out of the house. I have hired an aide in hopes that he will go out with her and he refuses. The car is the only thing he remembers as he has always had nice cars and been very independent. This is the one thing he will not forget. He screams and yells daily. I have added extra medication to help calm him down but once it wears off he starts up again. I thought about letting him have a car and disable it remotely when I am at work. I know it is not safe and I don't want him hurting anyone else but I am about to have a nervous breakdown with the constant nagging every day. I have taken him to a car dealer and they told him he cannot drive a car off their lot without a license. He still will not accept it. Tried taking him to a day care where he would have some social interaction but he refuses to go back. People tell me it takes time for him to accept it but he is not a child and I cannot pick him up and take him if he refuses to leave the house and go there.

I know that during the 'nagging years' I and my other siblings had to make up stories and lie about the license situation. My mother was much like your dad, Sheilaallison, in that the DMV did not revoke her license and the doctor did not say on paper that she was unsafe to drive but they did tell her in appt meetings that she should not drive. I hid the license, took her car away, hid my car keys (still), and just told her it was the law that she could not drive with her dementia. I continually told her that her doctors told her that she could not drive. Even with all that, I still got the questions and the anger. It took time but she mostly accepts it now. But it was an uphill battle. When she asks now, I either change the subject or make a joke about it. Good luck to you