How can I get my husband to give up driving?

We borrowed mom's car when ours was in for repairs. We never brought it back, and several months later, she agreed to sell it.

Uncle Dave, That's exactly what we did. That was when they answered that they really can't do anything about it until he gets stopped for another reason. Clearly it had no impression on my Dad either.

I simply told my LO:
Drive and I call police and they will arrest you.
It is called tough love.. LO knows I mean it,

Reading all these, I am now hyper-aware how the medical and legal structures fail us in these situations. I do remember having to lie to my mother telling her that it was against the law for her to drive given a dementia diagnosis. I even printed up a copy of the law (doctored somewhat by me) to show her. For many years when she would bring it up, I would just cite the law for her. Even though my mom still had a valid drivers license, I hid it from her so she would not be reminded. Funny, I was always under the impression that the DMV would have been alerted by her neurologist and family physician when her diagnosis was made and automatically suspend her driving privileges. Needless to say I was shocked some years later upon her license expiration that she received a renewal notice in the mail. I grabbed that up in a hurry and trashed it.

If doctors and law enforcement don't cooperate (and DMV) it's far worse for the family. I can't understand why they won't. It's not age that's the problem (in most cases) but cognition. One can't reason with someone who has dementia, so families need support for this very common problem. It's up to doctors to help with that. I, too, have heard where some don't want to get involved. Hard to believe.
Carol

I used the doctor to tell my dad that he needed to quit until he got stronger but he never did. However, I have heard reports of a friend's FIL who the doctor will not tell him and he has been seen on sidewalks and driving 3 blocks on the wrong side of the road. Also pulling out in front of someone. This is IL and my understanding is that the police must file a complaint or the doctor. Why family isn't at least considered for retest I don't know. Still will watch for more ideas.

Check out the news story about the 86y/o man who drove thru a Farmers Market killing 10 people and then got out of his car like "what is all the fuss about?" Makes me ill.

Something will happen - that is a given. It could be a little fender bender or the death of an entire family. I would not be able to rest at all thinking that my demented mom was driving around these streets that she has known for 25 years but gets lost taking a walk. This is craziness - once again we do not allow 5 year olds drivers licenses - why are the elderly off limits. Once you hit 80 you should be tested on a yearly basis. We are responsible for keeping our demented parents off the streets in a 4 ton weapon that they have no business being behind.

We've been dealing with this for a while. Dad had been getting lost, getting tickets, forgetting how to properly operated things like the wipers and the lights, and getting stuck in snow drifts (driving during weather when no sane person would be on the road) I asked the doctor to write the letter to the BMV. The BMV sent the form to Dad, and I took Dad to the doctor's office for the doc to fill it out. The doctor told Dad that he shouldn't be driving anymore, but when Dad begged the doctor to let him drive, the doctor wrote on it only that he recommended Dad have to take the BMV tests. Six weeks later, Dad got another letter giving him 30 days to show up for the test. From the time I first started the procedure, until Dad took the test, it was nearly five months.

Dad failed the written part of the test terribly (He got 30%, needed 80% to pass). The supervisor at the the BMV (very nicely) explained to Dad that he could no longer drive, and took the license. He did tell Dad that he could retake the test if he wants, and if he passes, then can take the road portion of the test. ......Dad argued with the man for 45 minutes before we had to leave. The instant we got in my car to go home, Dad very angrily declared: "You're not taking my car away from me." "I can drive if I want to. No one's going to stop me. I drive better than anyone.". The instant we got home, he got in his car and when driving, and he's driven every day in the two weeks since the test.

So far he hasn't had any incidents that would call attention to him . We told the people at the police that he is still driving. They say that there's nothing they can do, until Dad is stopped for some other reason. And even then, they may merely drive him home, (and only "maybe" impound the car) . He has several sets of keys, so taking them doesn't stop him. Disabling the car with a dead battery or a flat tire did not work. Kindly neighbors took pity on him and helped him by jumping the car and calling AAA for him. (That was even before the test. I don't know what else to do. Even the police officer said we do not have the right to take the car away, against his will. We don't own it, and we do not have guardianship.

So now we just wait until something bad happens, that will take the car away from him. I just hope it's not something terrible, as that is what I was trying to avoid in the first place.

My husband has Parkinson's and the doctor wants him to stop driving. Only problem is -- I don't drive anymore either. If he does, we will be at the mercy of neighbors for everything. Our town has no public transportation (including taxis). I don't think he's bad enough to stop yet, but I can see it coming down the road. Anyone have any ideas for a solution?

I know that during the 'nagging years' I and my other siblings had to make up stories and lie about the license situation. My mother was much like your dad, Sheilaallison, in that the DMV did not revoke her license and the doctor did not say on paper that she was unsafe to drive but they did tell her in appt meetings that she should not drive. I hid the license, took her car away, hid my car keys (still), and just told her it was the law that she could not drive with her dementia. I continually told her that her doctors told her that she could not drive. Even with all that, I still got the questions and the anger. It took time but she mostly accepts it now. But it was an uphill battle. When she asks now, I either change the subject or make a joke about it. Good luck to you

I have the same problem with my husband. He was diagnosed two years ago. I sold his car. The doctor told him he could no longer drive so he resents me and the doctor. He asks every day and night. I can't stand it. I contacted the DMV to report him as an unsafe driver. They sent a form for the doctor to fill out. The form stated he has dementia and some memory loss but at the end of the form it asks if the person is safe to drive and the doctor said yes. I sent the form back and attached a letter stating I want him to come in for a written and on the road test which I know he will not pass (hopefully). Still waiting for the DMV to contact him but right now his license is still valid which I told him it was not. I have tried another strategy and ask him if he wants to drive when we go out and he usually says no. I ask him if he goes out alone driving if he knows how to get back home and he said no but insists that he will be OK. I work and am not home with him and he is bored so he wants to get out of the house. I have hired an aide in hopes that he will go out with her and he refuses. The car is the only thing he remembers as he has always had nice cars and been very independent. This is the one thing he will not forget. He screams and yells daily. I have added extra medication to help calm him down but once it wears off he starts up again. I thought about letting him have a car and disable it remotely when I am at work. I know it is not safe and I don't want him hurting anyone else but I am about to have a nervous breakdown with the constant nagging every day. I have taken him to a car dealer and they told him he cannot drive a car off their lot without a license. He still will not accept it. Tried taking him to a day care where he would have some social interaction but he refuses to go back. People tell me it takes time for him to accept it but he is not a child and I cannot pick him up and take him if he refuses to leave the house and go there.

My brother and I tried the writing the letter of things our mom was doing (on top of hospital discharge papers saying she could not drive) and faxed it to her doctor to read this before her appointments to see him.
Due to her Dementia, she said my brother and I told "lies" to her doctors she was ill and should not drive. Dementia is a horrible disease.

My 79 year old mother with Dementia insists that she can drive and will call the police to tell them we are not letting her drive. In my mother's state we are powerless over getting the DMV to prevent her from getting a license, despite her Dementia. Her doctors (multiple doctors) have all documented her diagnosis and recommendation that she no longer drive. In my mother's state, the want her signature or acknowledgement that she has Dementia and cannot drive. Some states will give a license and let anyone drive.It's up to my brother and I to keep her car and keys awAy from our mother. We do not have POA.

I am dealing with a similar situation. My mother insists that she can drive despite her doctors (multiple doctors) advice against her driving due to her Dementia.
Laws vary from state to state. It's not as simple as getting a doctor to report the diagnosis to the department of motor vehicles.
In my state, there is nothing I can do or that my mother's doctors can do without her signature or authorization. This makes no sense to me.
In my state they will continue to give my mother a license and allow her to drive as long as she has she passes the written and driving test.
I do not have POA so my hands are tied.
The only thing I can do is keep the car out of sight and keep the keys away from my mother. If I don't do what I can to prevent her from driving she could hurt or kill someone on the road.

when the time came to convince my mom to give up driving.
I told her mom I love you but your driving ability has been frightening me.

You don't see as good as you used to and your reactions have slowed.
Since I don,t feel safe anymore I won't be riding with any longer.
She (my mom) gave it up and used her car as a trade in for a new one for me.
O coarse I now drive her everywhere!

worth the small sacrifice.

hope this helps

Linda S.

We had two vehicles and I was afraid that my husband would drive HIS car when I wasn't there, so I convinced him that our granddaughter (in college) needed a car and we no longer needed two. He reluctantly gave it up and didn't mind that I did the driving since it was MY car. I also suspect that he knew he doesn't know where places are or how to get there any more. He still thinks he can drive and I let him think it, but he never asks to do it. After we come home from a longer trip, it seems as though he thinks he did part of the driving. He'll say "when I was driving...." Oh, it means being creative in finding ways to handle each and every situation!

After the neurologist diagnosed the ALZ condition in a couple for whom I'm a caregiver, she also corresponded with the DMV stating their conditions and that they should not drive. The DMV sent letters for the couple to stop driving and to turn in their licenses and get state-issued ID cards. It was not an easy route, but after many mental lapses, continuous direction to stop driving by the neurologist and my urging and nudging for the keys, I obtained them. Make sure, however, alternate modes of transportation can be arranged and post what they are with telephone numbers in conspicuous places. Good luck!!

One thing you could do on your own: take his car keys and slightly file down the ignition key so that when he tries to start the car, he cannot. Or you could move the car - to someone else's house and then say the car is being repaired.

We downloaded the forms from the DMV's site and reported my mother as an unsafe driver. It took about a month for her to get the letter. They suspended her license until she could pass a written test and a driving test. She is 91 and demented so she would never be able to pass either of those tests. I had to listen to her complain for about a year about how she "needed" her license back, take me to the DMV ect.... It finally stopped. Bottom line is she cannot drive because she is not safe and I do not want her running over a 4 year old. End of discussion.

I wrote about about a month ago concerning my husband's wanting to drive after discovering that he had lost 95% of the vision in his left eye and 70-75% in the other to Glaucoma. I was truly in a panic that day! Well, God and the angel of batteries were working overtime that day. When he tried to start his car, he discovered that the battery was dead! We took my car and the things we needed to pick up fit fine just tine. The other day he asked me to call AAA to get the battery replaced. I told him to call them himself, knowing that he would forget about it. He didn't mention it any more, and he is scheduled for surgery on his left eye this coming week. I plan to call the nurse, as many of you have suggested, and ask for the proper forms to be filed and for the doctor to TELL him that he cannot drive any more. One of my neighbors suggested cutting a wire or disabling the car in some way. Hopefully we won't have to do anything after this week if the doctor will be supportive. Since he is the one who is doing the eye surgery, I am sure he will be! My mother's doctor said it was up to the two of us; he was no help at all. I ended up keeping her car at our house when she was admitted to an ALF, and someone asked to buy it. That solved the problem until the tirade that ensued when Mom found out. I don't think she ever forgave me, but at least she and others were safe because of my decision. It has to be very difficult to lose one's independence. The more we can just integrate it into our lives without a lot of discussion, the better off we will all be. I admire all of you so much and certainly empathize with what you are having to do. My support and prayers are with you. Maybe the "angel of batteries and car parts" will come to your aid...with a little prompting and help from you. :)

My husband's neurologist delivered the bad news, so hubby resents the doctor, not me. That didn't stop hubby from taking the car unbeknownst to me one day. Thank goodness nothing happened. In general, he is more than willing to have me do all the driving, but there are days when he rants about that doctor who doesn't know what he's talking about. As luck would have it, his SUV is under the massive GM recall. I have convinced him that the vehicle is not safe to drive and the manufacturer doesn't have the parts to fix the problem. Meanwhile, my brother (a mechanic) suggested the following: have the car key reproduced, but not programmed. It will open the doors, but it will not start the engine.

The state of Montana is the worst at helping families in this predicament. When my mother had macular degeneration so bad that she could see nothing, except the headlights of approaching cars (and those were seen in double), my daughter tried to call the DMV anonymously. She was scolded and accused of just, "Trying to get back at her grandmother."
Now my father, a retired policeman, is beginning to be unbelievably scary. My brother tried to get the eye doctor to send the forms in, but was told my dad had to sign them and the DMV said my brother also had to sign them. I wrote to the AG, but didn't get a reply. Finally, in frustration, my brother brought in the eye doctor report and handed it over to the DMV. He told them, "there, now you are responsible." He was met with scorn and argumentation.

Well the only answer is going to the doctor,we wrote a list of things my mom was doing,and gave it to the receptionist,the doctor read this before we went in to see him.She didn't have a problem with the doctor telling her she couldn't drive any longer.It worked for us.God luck

I haven't been in this situation, and you already got wonderful advice. For now, I would just hide the keys from him, which may be hard to do. When its time for the store/Dr appt you can tell him you want/need to drive or have a friend take you both until he realizes he can no longer drive. I wish you luck.( Again, check with your Dr about my suggestions, I don't want to be wrong )

Tough! Do you want him to kill someone else or himself driving? Take away the keys, or in my case a remote starter. When my husband lost his way to the VA some 11 months ago, when he returned I told him he no longer could drive our new car. He has since made some remarks about, "Yes, I could drive if I wanted to", and I say, "Sure you could dear", and the subject is ended. He does admit now to others he better not drive. He was a former pilot and could find anything in the air, but on the ground his directions would get mixed. He never goes anywhere without me, and I like knowing I get him there safely and I know where he is at all times.

My father did not have dementia but he did realize he was driving slower (actually at the speed limit or slightly under) but in our state (NJ) too many drivers like to fly above the speed limit and will ride the back bumper of elderly or any driver doing the suggested speed limit. It began to get him upset and angry. So I started driving him everywhere and told him he had graduated to the wealthy class no longer needing to be bothered driving but had his own personal driver, me. He saw the humor in it and went with it.

However, I kept his car, kept it registered and he kept his driver's license --just chose not to drive. He liked seeing his car parked at our home. He wanted to keep the driver's license --for his self respect. He just " graduated" to not having to drive--he was good with it. However, if you force the giving up of the driver's license they feel diminished and will not accept it. I think it is best to sell the idea that they have a personal driver not that they are unable to drive any more.
Actually my father was able to drive when he stopped, it was the other drivers he did not wish to deal with.

Finally, if you take their license --you must provide a driver on demand. So be ready to drive a lot, even when you are tired and would rather stay home. Otherwise, you will face tons of resentment.

Yes you can do the doctor to motor vehicle route and revoke the driver's license--but that should be the very last resort. You have to deal with the elder after this event which most will never forgive or forget.

Some adult children mean well but taking the drivers license of the elder becomes a power trip for the child who will "show" the parent they are "in charge"---it isn't about the adult child or should never be. Do what safeguards the parent but preserves their dignity as well has their safety on the road.
Good luck.

Same problem with my Dad. Someone suggested a local policeman who does drivers' assessments as a part time job. Best $70 we ever spent. He provided a written checklist, much like a driver's test. Dad would not believe any of us, but a paid expert's opinion carried enough weight. Of course we primed the situation a bit by talking to our paid examiner beforehand.
We gave his car to his granddaughter who we made sure was always very grateful and who thanked him at all opportunities. Sure he still talks about driving again, but it is easier to be firm or laugh off the subject when the deed has already been done.

Notify the MVA, give them the reasons. You may want to make it as an interested person, with out your name, to protect your privacy and to keep your husband from learning about your report.

This is probably the most difficult issue to manage. I have worked on dedicated dementia units where there were clients who still thought they could drive. They would look ou the windows at parked cars looking for "their" car, Also as a case manger in the community I have seen elders drive without a valid license, ignore the doc and the family. Maybe best to "misplace" the key or send the car for extended "repair". My own mother eventually forgot her car was being fixed and gave it up. However, every so often she would wonder why it took so long to get the parts to complete the "repair".