Foot Surgery in the future--do I come home and trust DH to step it up or do I find a rehab facility?

You trained him to be this way, unfortunately. I still recommend rehab.

You probably familiar with my situation too…I’m still taking care of my 94 year old mother with dementia at home. She was very agitated about a couple months ago & refusing meds …but I somehow got her back on track & manageable.

My Dad did so much to help my mother with the house..he cleaned, did hard work in the house, painted & plastered, did all electrical work (he was Electrician). He also cut grass & pulled weeds. My mother & I took care of him when he got sick. He was hoping he’d recover & go back to work! My Mother always cooked him supper & did laundry. My Dad also snored very loud & my mother would give him a nudge & he’d stop for a while… but she never kicked him out of the bedroom or sleep in another room.

So, not all men are lazy & do nothings in the house. I believe it’s too late to retrain hubby.

Good luck with your rehab, Midkid! HUGS 🤗

I cannot in fairness call my Dh a jerk.

He is what he is. I babies him over so many illnesses and traumas you would not believe me if I told you. And he grew to expect it---but he has no real clue as to what I want/need. I've found I have to SAY what I need and be a little pushy (he'd call it being 'bitchy' but he doesn't KNOW from 'bitchy'.)

He's getting it. So many neighbors have come over to offer help and I am accepting it right and left. He keeps saying "I can do this"--but since he cannot mow the small lawn we have and not have to go take a nap afterwards, no, he clearly cannot.

I think this may be a really great wake up call to him. He's retiring in Feb and I told him I was NOT going to spend my days babysitting him. He had to find things to do and places to go. We're going to move to a home/condo with as few stairs as possible. He DOES NOT want to do this, but our garage houses HIS car and I have to schlep groceries from my car parked on the side of the garage to the house.

In fairness to him, I have waited on him hand and foot and created this 'monster' because I thought that's what wives DID. He is truly a dinosaur, in this regard.

And yes---he is definitely 'on the spectrum' of autism. There was no word for that in 1975!

Go to rehab for sure !!!
unbelievable what jerks some women stay with !!!!

I have a husband who said he would take care of me after I had both feet operated on at the same time. The first morning home from the hospital, I asked for cereal and toast. My husband brought breakfast on a tray to the guest room I was staying in. He then left the house for studio meetings, never answered his cell phone and did not return to the house until 8pm at night. He walked into the guest room and was shocked that the breakfast tray was sitting beside me in the bed and only when I said to him, “Did you expect me to carry a tray with crutches or a walker? Or that I would be able to stand long enough to prepare food for myself?”
Only then did it dawn on him I needed REAL HELP. Within 2 days he was over helping me. He paid production assistants to bring me food, ice, take me to post-op appointments, and later on physical therapy. On Day 14 when I could finally shower if he were to help wrap my feet in plastic bags and physically help me into the shower. When I asked for him to help, he said he was too tired and let’s do it tomorrow. I started sobbing and then wailing that I hadn’t showered in 2 weeks (a sponge bath is just not the same thing as sitting under hot running water). I physically needed him to help me over the 6 inch shower lip so I did not risk falling and I didn’t have anyone other than him to help me (no family near). He looked embarrassed and ashamed he had said no and immediately said of course he would help me—please stop crying. Other than helping me get into a periodic shower, he never did anything else to help me during the post-surgical time. He used production assistants—not nurses or nursing aides.
I have never again asked him or expected him to help me when I have needed a medical procedure. I have flown in my mother, a sister and even a brother has come to help me.
I have also paid to be in a post-surgical rehab facility. That way I knew I would be cared for and would not be at the mercy of someone, though he loves me, he does not have the capacity to physically care for me when I have been in medical need.
Do not rely on your husband. It is beyond him…

Mid I was in my 30's when I broke my ankle and needed surgery for the repair, I was instructed absolutely no weight bearing for 6 weeks and when I had my follow up and they removed the cast they extended it several weeks beyond that; along with an excellent surgeon I credit my faithful compliance with the fact I have to think a minute before I can tell you which ankle was broken.
Get all the extra padding for your crutches, your pits and hands will thank you. Maybe get some knee pads too because you might just find that sometimes it's easier to crawl.

I'll be seeing the dr this week for my pre-op consultation. Dh cannot go, he has a work obligation, but I'm sure the doc will send a packet of info for him. I have already told the doc I have a VERY uninvolved DH and he 'gets it' completely. He said he would read DH the riot act. We'll see....

We can't have a wheelchair--doors are too narrow. I am getting crutches for the trips to the bathroom. I mentioned 'commode' and DH paled and said "I will carry you to the bathroom" rather than have a bedside commode.

My daughters are putting their collective heads together and I think they will be my best go to. One lives in CA and I expect I will see her for a week or so. She can work from here and be here to help me. Daughters are the BEST!

All the rehab places require the drs orders, but he's been out of town--and I don't think he'd be a fan of one anyway. Rehab is for REHABBING and not lying still with your leg elevated. By the time I can gently put some weight on the foot (2 weeks- approximately) I should be able to scoot about and keep busy. I just pray for phenomenally fast healing!!

In reality, this has hurt so badly for so LONG. I wake up every single night in pain & have to take a pain pill or Ibuprofen and then ice my foot. 4 years of doing this--I am crazy stupid for not pushing this harder, but stuff happened.

Thank you for birthday wishes. 65 feels just like 64. But now DH can ramble on about retirement and I won't panic that he'll leave me without insurance!

Happy birthday, MidKid!!!!!!

I’m glad that your girls will be there for you, Mid! I bet that takes some of the fear and emotions away for now. 😀

Happy Birthday tomorrow! 💚🧡

I appreciate all the great advice and the attention!!!

Dh is being much more 'into' this than I thought he would be. I'm sure a HUGE part of that is I did rip him to pieces after I cleared cancer as he had been such an enormous jerk. He knew he had been. I told him this was his chance to redeem himself. He knows.

I had not thought of having a 'roomie'. OMGosh---that would be awful. Maybe I'm a princess, but I need quiet and my space!

Went to play last night with my middle daughter who is super efficient and wonderful. She said "Mom, you don't need to worry about ANYTHING. We girls have got you. Let US serve YOU for once." (yeah, I have done a lot for my girls over the years--) So they are percolating some schemes amongst them. IF DH just 'can't' I will go to this daughter's home. She has an extra bedroom and 2 teen daughters who can help. One daughter has small kids, but can come with meals. And actually, her youngest, Calvin, is a hoot and very fun company.

I'm going to use crutches to ambulate into the bathroom. Then a scooter upstairs and one downstairs. My dearest friend told me she just 'bum bumped' down the stairs--she broke her ankle a couple of months ago.

I haven't found a rehab place yet that I would be able to stand for 2 weeks. And all of them, so far, are still masked. That alone makes the decision easier that I will come home.

I'm having a cleaning company come before I have surgery. DH can do the daily stuff and the girls will be here 3xs a week.

Like I said before--I will be doing NO PT for 6 weeks. I'll still do upper body weights and some lower body leg lifts and such, but no treadmill, etc.

Such great ideas and thoughts! You guys are the best. I know I am over anxious about this---but the pain is neverending and non stop and it's really depressed me.

Surgery is the 22nd. I can't wait. Praying fervently for a complete heal!

I'm still going to look into rehab--we'll see.

Head straight for rehab honey! Even if he were as helpful as he could be if you recovered at home, you would miss out on all the help you would get from the in-patient physical therapy. My mom broke her hip and she did six weeks in rehab. It made all the difference! She says it was the hardest but the smartest decision she made during that time.
She had good therapists and skilled nurses. She had a lovely, single patient room, good food, activities galore and made lasting friendships.
She did not want to go in the beginning and she struggled against it hard but her friends, who had done it themselves, pushed her to do it and so did her family.
good luck!

I wouldn't EVEN begin to rely on him. With out feet to get around, you couldn't even get to him to bop him up 'side of the head when he remains the a** he appears to be WHEN you will need him the most. Ask the doctor if the hospital has a rehab unit for surgical patients. If not, talk to dr ahead of time about going to a rehab so you can be waited on until you can move a little. I mean, if you can't walk - how are you going to go to the bathroom?

You also need to round up some equipment for your house until you are getting around a little. A bedside toilet. A wheelchair at first. Maybe a walker for later. Fill your nightstand with water and a few snacks, magazines, crossword puzzles - whatever will bide the time. Get your phone charger, laptop or other similar items located close to the bed. Try to get bedroom arranged now. Maybe even a hospital type food tray would help. All those things can be rented or purchased.

As for the house. Line up someone to come in every day to do some of the chores, prepare some meals. Or do some frozen meal prep now that can be popped in the oven later. The doctor can order you a nurse to come in and some physical therapist. Get it lined up prior to the surgery. (65 means you probably have medicare)

If you have any friends or family close, call now and ask for help. There is no point in expecting much out of hubby if you already have such doubts. Don't rely on him just to get yourself mad or him. No point.

If you were going to be totally out of it, I would hesitate about the rehab. Since you should be aware of surroundings and can voice your requests to staff, you really need to consider letting others wait on you in the beginning. Best of luck in getting all this lined up ahead of time and wish you a speedy recovery. Don't dwell on what you already know is a non-supportive mate - you'll only get angrier. No point. You're with him for a reason - whatever that is. He's just not the caregiver type.

"My foot has hurt terribly for 4 straight years and 3 different docs looked at it and said they couldn't help."

Several others mentioned this lack of "help" as well. In another posting, I mentioned my "journey" - blown disc and misalignment of cervical spine. FIVE years of "specialists" telling me this wasn't causing my pain. There were some who just dismissed me, others saying it was rotator cuff tendonitis! Finally a spinal surgeon looked at the images I brought, never talked to any doc I'd seen and pointed right to the spot and said this is your problem! No, say it isn't so! Now, what do we do with that?

It still took him another year before he would do the surgery - many prefer to keep their "success" numbers up and he wanted to be sure I'd have success. Initially he said 50-50... Well, 50% better is WAY better than the pain I was in every day!!!

As for rehab vs home... sounds like counting on hubs is like counting sheep, they aren't real! But, you've also said there are several options - the community and your daughters. Since the place doesn't really get dirty (although there will be dishes, etc since you and he will need to eat), there isn't much needed there. One thing I would likely do is prepare meals that can be frozen ahead of time, so that it would only take a few minutes in the microwave.

Ice packs - do you have a good cooler or a mini-fridge that you could keep in your room? It would need to be replenished, but would suffice for the middle of the night? Mini fridge would be ideal as you could keep cold water and other beverages there, within reach. Porta-potty for you?

Myself, having spent almost a month in the hospital, I would much rather be in my own space, setting up what is needed ahead of time. There's no place like home! When they finally let me go home (still on IV antibiotics and PICC line, no food or drinks), they set me up with delivery of feed and meds along with nursing to take blood, clean PICC line and set up feed bag (vitamins get added just prior to use.) They weren't there all day, only long enough to do their thing. I should think they could set you up with something - it would cost insurance a lot less than rehab AND you get to be in your own home.

I had to sometimes come up with alternatives for my "treatments." The antibiotics were 4x/day and could take 30-60 minutes to finish. I kept them downstairs, although my BR was upstairs. Since it was every 6 hours, there was no way to avoid a very late night/early morning treatment. I'd just set up the pump, put blankets and a pillow on the rug and laid down - I WAS exhausted, so I'd sleep while the pump worked and it would wake me when the alarm went off.

I even went home the next day after spinal surgery! Both times (yes, the next 2 on either side of that one went south on me about 5 years later.)

If you check out the rehab they plan to send you to, if that's the plan, and find it okay, maybe, but I'd much rather be in my own space! It's all up to you really.

Find the nicest rehab facility in your area and go. Don't place expectations on hubby and then be disappointed when he doesn't follow though.

A few days before being discharged from rehab hire a cleaning service to clean house for you.

When you get home hire take out meals delivery until you are able to get about and prepare meals. Dad's ins provided meals for a week after he was discharged home.

Good luck, heal soon and happy birthday.

I say go to rehab and let hubby figure it out himself. You apparently cannot depend on him and have no reason to think he has changed and will help. Check your insurance and see if they will provide in-home care if you opt not to go to rehab.

Since DH has a history of being unable to help when you had cancer, I would expect something similar when you have foot surgery. Rehab appears to be a better option for you. Don't think you will rest all day; you will also get a lot of physical therapy throughout the day in rehab - which might end up with better results in the end..

If your husband wont step up I would use this as an object lesson for him when he needs extra care in the event he has a medical issue. Let him know he is 9n his own going forward. No more cooking for him etc. Let him fend for himself since you already have a roommate situation. It's time to make that in all aspects.

I agree with hiring someone to come into the home because of potential for cdiff in a rehab facility. What he did/didn't do when you had cancer was just beyond awful.

A rehab could be sort of a "birthday vacation" for you (admittedly not anyone's favorite kind, but at least you know you'll get the care you need). Maybe your husband will have to learn how to do a few things in order to "survive" without you!

Tsk.

Go to the rehab facility and be a model patient. Do as you're told post-op, do your exercises, grin and bear any reasonable level of discomfort, communicate properly with the staff, take a good book and some good noise-excluding headphones for your down-time. In 28 days max you will be home again pretty much fit for light duties; and your husband will not have had an irresistible opportunity to let you down AGAIN.

Or, you can set him up to fail and trust him to "step up." In a pig's eye he will.

You do already know all this, I'm not sure it even needs typing out.

You would be better off at home rather than Rehab facility. Get a Caregiver to come in and help you. You can do the hours that would most benefit you.
I was actually told by my dr. when we were discussing potential knee replacement that he does not want a patient to go to rehab facility. The incidents of infection and other complications are higher in a facility than at home.
You deserve it...hire a caregiver for yourself!!!!!

oh..Happy Birthday to you...Happy Birthday to you....Happy Birthday to youoooooo. 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎁🎁🍰

Midkid, ask your anesthesia doctor is she/he is using Ketamine. I had that for one quick surgery, never again, had double vision, and brain fog for days after.

I have one of those guys like your DH at home, too. I blame his Mom for spoiling him. But maybe I really shouldn't blame her, maybe it is the old country culture.

Go to rehab. Consider it a time out for yourself. You will be less stressed out and can focus on healing if you're not having to remind the hubs to do things for you. There will be someone there to help with toileting, to bring you meals three times a day, to offer rehab when necessary...and best of all no stairs!!! Do it for yourself. Do it for your marriage. Heck some rehabs even have beauty shop access. Get your "hair did".

We are close in age. Last fall the day before discharge after surgery for surprise aorta dissection I was bullied into going to rehab because staff knew I was caregiver and would have virtually no one to help at home. Well, guess what, virtually no one helped me at the friggin rehab either. Bullied about taking meds, food beyond dreadful (who runs out of milk when there are no less than 3 groceries within a 3 mile radius or less?) Billed for PT that was nearly non-existent or worthless. In short, one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Not to mention there may be visitor restrictions due to covid and other rules....come home. Order food delivery, get your friends to help out anything, but no rehab. If you have the funds, check into a hotel with room service. Or hire someone to come in daily and help with what you need....Good luck with all of it...

Rehab first, daughter’s second. Help from neighbors when u get home. It’s a shame your husband is helpless. Hopefully he is useful at things other than caregiving, like opening jars and killing bugs.

MidKid……you know that you have taken care of your Dh many times now. Have you even gotten one thank you? I think not. Go to the rehab center for as long as you can. Work as hard as you can to get yourself pain free. I understand because i am fxn to have total knee replacement an I do all of the driving,etc for my mom. Its not that she cant drive, i just always do. Happy Birthday on Friday, you certainly deserve a calm night out with your family! Love and healing blessings to you…..you will be fine and you won’t have the stress and strain of ur dh to bother you. Wishing you safe surgery and rehab. We will all be keeping it n touch. Please let us know when you have your surgery. Healing blessings to you during this time. Our body has a way of slowing us down, especially the ones of us who are 60s and higher. Lol. And love a clean house but have too many areas of 24/7 pain to do it all at one time. Love, Liz

Load a bunch of audiobooks on your phone, bring an extra-long phone charger cord and some nice nightgowns and enjoy your vacation at the rehab place.

Captain Remote Control will enjoy his, too, I'm sure. <sarcasm>

Yes. I hear you on the chronic pain. And, having docs poo poo you can be depressing and feeling so misunderstood.

Good idea on talking to your DIL!

I’m glad to hear that you’re taking care of you.

Your cheerleaders are hear with ya!

Mid, do you think your DIL could talk to the anesthesiologist to document your past issues with certain drugs?

(((((Hugs))))))

Anxious--oh so anxious.

Chronic, severe pain just wears you out. I'm exhausted. ANd worried about the anesthesia, so I need to talk to DIL who is an anes. doc and maybe she can give my some pointers of what drugs to refuse and what to accept so I don't go into my usual post anesthesia funk.

Sure doesn't help it's been over 100 degrees for weeks now.

Thanks for asking!

How are you doing, Mid?

Not only would I go to rehab to be properly cared for, but I'd hire a cleaning service to come into my house for the entire time I was gone to ensure my house stayed clean & tidy while I was gone so I didn't return home to a pig sty.

You've had 45 years to know what to expect from your DH. You can trust him from his past behavior over 4+ decades.

Good luck & happy birthday.