Anyone else finding retirement a big disappointment?

Wow, staceyb, 11 years with your FIL is a marathon, especially after taking care of your own parents. I certainly understand your resentment. And yes it is depressing to watch our own last best year pass us by and not know when if ever we will have the opportunity to live the lives we want and worked for. I feel for you and hope you can get a break soon, however it occurs!

Yes, my husband and I are in the same boat as you, we have had my FIL in our home X11 years now, and I actually pissed that he and my MIL were able to enjoy 14 years of Retirement before she passed away, as well as helping my siblings care for our own parents during the 10 plus years of their health decline and subsequent dying 11 years ago. Why is it that they were able to be foot loose and fancy free, while we end up stuck with the lone survivor of the 4 of them, as we PROMISED that the Old Man could move in with us as he felt at the time, that he would not be able to live alone, couldn't cook, or function alone, and if he moved in with us, we would just be able to carry on, status quo, but of course, that just does not happen! We had raised our 4 kids, the last one had only just been pushed out of the nest, so he could move in, and of course, life has never been the same. We now have this Intruder, living umongst us, in what were supposed to be our Golden Years, or at least our highest earning year's, where we should have been stocking up our Retirements and 401'Ks, well that just didn't happen. It's not all of his fault, but our lives were seriously interrupted by him living with us, for instance, dining out, when we should be out taking advantage of two for one's, and happy hours, spontaneous weekends away, lovely vacations and family gatherings, instead we aren't stuck trying to figure out what is for dinner (we used to fly by the seat of our pants) serving a picky old man, who believes going out to dinner is a waste of money, (depression era mentality), well suffice it to say, he as basically taen over our lives, and we let him, to keep the peace. We did have our own financial problems 8 years ago, when I had to quit work due to severe knee Arthritis, which meant that I was then home all day with him, and in the normal course of the situation, he was declining age wise, and I became his caregiver, a position that I didn't truly want. But there you go. For me, caring for a Narcissistic, grumpy Old Man, is a far cry from caring for my own parents, which. While very difficult and emotionally painful, was a joy, and a pleasure. This situation is becoming unbearable, but now he is 85, so frail, unsteady on his feet, starting down the path of dementia, and stuborn as all get out! RETIREMEN, what Retirement, I hope I life long enough to enjoy some of my own, my FIL never took care of a parent, he never ever participated in helping his own sister in helping with his own Father. Yes, I am resentful, fed up, and tired. I now I have bilateral knee replacement surgery to look forward to for myself and can only pray that they are successful, in order to hopefully have some quality of life after he passes on, whenever that may be, he could live another 10+ year's! Its depressing to even think about!

I guess facebook can be ok as long as you are not "friends" with braggarts that like to rub it in your face! I don't use facebook and just communicate in other ways. People did this before without FB and they were just fine. Look at how long that generation is living and they never had FB.

I say keep your Facebook - a virtual connection with others is better than none at all - and it really is good to have perspectives that don't al revolve aorund aging care, as great as this place is. Right now via my facebook account we are supporting three different people - one relative and two friends - with cancer in various ways. And getting bombarded by news and politics and various crazy views on that too. And getting some things to laugh at and enjoy. Its a window to the world for when I don't have time during daylight hours to look out my own.

Agree, Lloyd, but this new unpaid job is not the retirement we all worked for and looked forward to throughout our working lives. The good news is that I have a pension and SS and enough income so I don't need to work. The bad news is that I don't have the freedom to do any of the things I planned to do when I could afford to stop working.

Good answer Lloyd!

There's a reality answer! Not retired! I knew that I should not have believed the letter from Social Security that said I am retired. I didn't feel retired, working harder now than before! I. A M. N O T. R E T I R E D . Repeat after me.

First off, stop looking at Facebook. It will only depress you.

I retired from my paid job 7 years ago to care for my demented mother. Technically, I am retired but in my mind, I am a personal care aide working 24 x 7 with a few brief respites here and there. So from my perspective you are not really retired. You are not able make a judgment on retirement.

Retirement? What retirement? When my parents were retired for 25 some years they were traveling, seeing the sights, dining out, going to the movies, etc. etc. etc.

Well, here I am pushing 70 years old and haven't seen on day of retirement as I refuse to quit, as my work is my sanity.

I was fugal my whole life so I could enjoy traveling when I retire.... now I will be using that money for my own assisted living because it's not that far away due to all the health issues I have encountered due to major stress trying to do the best I can for my parents over the past 7 years since my parents stopped driving, and their mobility has slowed down to a crawl. And the fact they didn't plan ahead to move into an elder friendly environment. Thus they have a house that is too big for them to maintain and Dad still thinks he is 63 instead of 93 when it comes to fixing things around the house.... [sigh].

I am definitely disappointed in retirement. In fact, I'm looking for opportunities to get back to work. I have plenty of time off (I only see my mom a few times a week for a few hours each time) but I'm stuck living in a location I would never choose for myself and I can't pursue my personal goals, the first one of which is to move to a cheaper, cooler, less congested area of the country. I haven't been able to take a vacation in the last five years, let alone move away. I'd rather be working - at least I'd be getting paid.

Maggie, your post (and others as well) was really right on, so much caring expressed so well. Loved what you shared so much, I may try harder to take your advice. My idea was just to go one overnight to even a local hotel for a jacuzzi, a swim, but my husband thought that would be such an unreasonable expenditure.
Trying to manage the negative responses, of which there are many, 'that just cannot be done and why' conversations, so much that I want to scream but cannot waste my voice, would get a sore throat, ya know? Yes, like that

Katie, please take those 5 days, it is at least a start. Try not to live out your misgivings and trepidations in your head, get out of your head and perform that vaca or time away as if it was part of your caregiving job. I understand it may be harder to do than the immediate status quo, and let your own life slide by, bereft of a real life, thinking your time will come later. Now, through those tears, (I imagine you may have them too), fight through this and cooperate with hospice, offering you that time away. Make the call, go anytime soon. It must be on your bucket list?

Dear tired, you are definitely not alone. Imagine never having a vacation at all, something people all over the world hold dear. My world is so small that I have given up. However, you don't need to! With great effort, a little money set aside, planning, and listening to advice here on AC forum, you too can plan to have a vacation, a few days away, that is called 'respite care', and much help is given so that a caregiver can get time away, it is that important!
Also, do not neglect your own health care.

I am completely understanding of your situation as I am in it too. Hubby not quite retired yet, but we used to use our vacation time to travel and that got less and less over the last 8 yrs and now I can't go to the next town without rushing back.
I feel I am helping my Mom but at the same time it is humiliating to hear from friends traveling and building new homes on the coast, etc. etc. and never having anything whatsoever nice to report from us. It would be heaven to even get to a baseball game and do anything other people just seem to have a God given right to do. I do have some help coming in from the hospice team and they offer a 5 day respite...but what is the point? 5 days isn't enough to decompress from 13 yrs. of steady decline and the last year and a half of nearly complete shut down.

I was retired when my mom descended into her final journey. She was with me just a year. i also cared for my late husband for a year. So I guess I've earned my chops. But others here have done it for soooo much longer.

I relate to you because my stepmom took care of my dad for nine years after his stroke until he passed. She was broken hearted not only that it happened to him, but that, while all of their friends were traveling and enjoying their retirement, her whole world centered around my dad and his very limited abilities.

You simply MUST spend all of mom's money you can on respite care for you. Here in Chicago, one can get a great care giver for $25 an hour thru a service. Four hours for you?? $100. I think too many people find it very difficult to do that. Don't be one of them.

Now, I say "all of mom's money" because I assume you are supporting yourself. I hope that is true. I'm not being jaded thinking mom is loaded. When mom came to live with me, that's what I did with her social security and tiny pension. I did have Tom to help. He was an angel sent from heaven above.

Plan a lunch with friends once a week...other outings that make sense to you. And don't be afraid to spend some of her money to help you keep your sanity.

I don't think I've ever said this to anyone before, but it won't be much longer. I only say that because I hear your broken heart. Hope you understand where I'm coming from. Good thoughts coming your way.

Dear TiredRetiree, I'm not yet retired, but I can totally relate to your post for a number of reasons. I started to try to explain why your post resonated with me and I ended up with more of a short story about my struggle and less of an empathatic response to your post. There is just no way to provide a brief synopsis of my current situation with my parents and how it has affected my life in both positive and less than stellar ways. LOL. I just spent the last few hours doing their bills and I'm now exhausted. But I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone. And I would love to correspond with you and compare notes.

Tired,
Losing touch with your friends is one of the things that make caregiving hard. Fight to keep your friends! Make a short list of the friends that mean the most to you.....and then find a way to call them email or go out to lunch with them once a week!

Do you have a jr. college or nursing school nearby? See if you can find a starving nursing student to be hired one afternoon a week. Then you can meet a friend for golf, a movie, an afternoon catching up in a tavern...whatever!

You're definitely not alone! I think there are a lot of people wondering how their retirement years could be changed so drastically.

Sometimes it takes a real effort to set aside time for yourself, but start just by taking 5 min. or so to relax, read, walk outside - just do something for yourself. Gradually extend the time, perhaps when your mother is sleeping.

And connect with people such as those here on this forum, who understand the situation since they're either going through it or are still traveling that path.

But look into respite care so you can have some free time for yourself.

I've read that the old statistic for the percentage (around 30% I think) of caregivers who die before who they are caring for has gone up, not down.

I hope that you are able to avoid being among that number and avoid being so consumed that you are really not able to function very well after your mother dies.

Take care of yourself for basically no one else will.

Both answers really helped. Sometimes you just need to hear some caring words. Thank you.

It sounds like you are worn out from the pressure of being a 24/7 caregiver for your mother. Your depression and exhaustion may be your body's crying out that you need to care for you.

Does your mother have any resources to pay for extra care or are those already exhausted? Would she possibly qualify for Medicaid and move somewhere with medicaid acceptance pending?

It sounds like a course correction is needed so that neither your mother nor you are thrown under the bus. Take care and keep in touch.

You're not alone by a long shot. You need to look into respite care so you can have a life. Nursing homes will care for people on a temporary basis so you can travel. And you should consider placing your mom in a care facility or getting her in home care. Otherwise your whole life will be consumed as a caregiver and you've clearly had enough.