Anyone else finding retirement a big disappointment?

It sounds like you are worn out from the pressure of being a 24/7 caregiver for your mother. Your depression and exhaustion may be your body's crying out that you need to care for you.

Does your mother have any resources to pay for extra care or are those already exhausted? Would she possibly qualify for Medicaid and move somewhere with medicaid acceptance pending?

It sounds like a course correction is needed so that neither your mother nor you are thrown under the bus. Take care and keep in touch.

I've read that the old statistic for the percentage (around 30% I think) of caregivers who die before who they are caring for has gone up, not down.

I hope that you are able to avoid being among that number and avoid being so consumed that you are really not able to function very well after your mother dies.

Take care of yourself for basically no one else will.

Tired,
Losing touch with your friends is one of the things that make caregiving hard. Fight to keep your friends! Make a short list of the friends that mean the most to you.....and then find a way to call them email or go out to lunch with them once a week!

Do you have a jr. college or nursing school nearby? See if you can find a starving nursing student to be hired one afternoon a week. Then you can meet a friend for golf, a movie, an afternoon catching up in a tavern...whatever!

Retirement? What retirement? When my parents were retired for 25 some years they were traveling, seeing the sights, dining out, going to the movies, etc. etc. etc.

Well, here I am pushing 70 years old and haven't seen on day of retirement as I refuse to quit, as my work is my sanity.

I was fugal my whole life so I could enjoy traveling when I retire.... now I will be using that money for my own assisted living because it's not that far away due to all the health issues I have encountered due to major stress trying to do the best I can for my parents over the past 7 years since my parents stopped driving, and their mobility has slowed down to a crawl. And the fact they didn't plan ahead to move into an elder friendly environment. Thus they have a house that is too big for them to maintain and Dad still thinks he is 63 instead of 93 when it comes to fixing things around the house.... [sigh].

You're not alone by a long shot. You need to look into respite care so you can have a life. Nursing homes will care for people on a temporary basis so you can travel. And you should consider placing your mom in a care facility or getting her in home care. Otherwise your whole life will be consumed as a caregiver and you've clearly had enough.

You're definitely not alone! I think there are a lot of people wondering how their retirement years could be changed so drastically.

Sometimes it takes a real effort to set aside time for yourself, but start just by taking 5 min. or so to relax, read, walk outside - just do something for yourself. Gradually extend the time, perhaps when your mother is sleeping.

And connect with people such as those here on this forum, who understand the situation since they're either going through it or are still traveling that path.

But look into respite care so you can have some free time for yourself.

I was retired when my mom descended into her final journey. She was with me just a year. i also cared for my late husband for a year. So I guess I've earned my chops. But others here have done it for soooo much longer.

I relate to you because my stepmom took care of my dad for nine years after his stroke until he passed. She was broken hearted not only that it happened to him, but that, while all of their friends were traveling and enjoying their retirement, her whole world centered around my dad and his very limited abilities.

You simply MUST spend all of mom's money you can on respite care for you. Here in Chicago, one can get a great care giver for $25 an hour thru a service. Four hours for you?? $100. I think too many people find it very difficult to do that. Don't be one of them.

Now, I say "all of mom's money" because I assume you are supporting yourself. I hope that is true. I'm not being jaded thinking mom is loaded. When mom came to live with me, that's what I did with her social security and tiny pension. I did have Tom to help. He was an angel sent from heaven above.

Plan a lunch with friends once a week...other outings that make sense to you. And don't be afraid to spend some of her money to help you keep your sanity.

I don't think I've ever said this to anyone before, but it won't be much longer. I only say that because I hear your broken heart. Hope you understand where I'm coming from. Good thoughts coming your way.

Both answers really helped. Sometimes you just need to hear some caring words. Thank you.

I am completely understanding of your situation as I am in it too. Hubby not quite retired yet, but we used to use our vacation time to travel and that got less and less over the last 8 yrs and now I can't go to the next town without rushing back.
I feel I am helping my Mom but at the same time it is humiliating to hear from friends traveling and building new homes on the coast, etc. etc. and never having anything whatsoever nice to report from us. It would be heaven to even get to a baseball game and do anything other people just seem to have a God given right to do. I do have some help coming in from the hospice team and they offer a 5 day respite...but what is the point? 5 days isn't enough to decompress from 13 yrs. of steady decline and the last year and a half of nearly complete shut down.

I am definitely disappointed in retirement. In fact, I'm looking for opportunities to get back to work. I have plenty of time off (I only see my mom a few times a week for a few hours each time) but I'm stuck living in a location I would never choose for myself and I can't pursue my personal goals, the first one of which is to move to a cheaper, cooler, less congested area of the country. I haven't been able to take a vacation in the last five years, let alone move away. I'd rather be working - at least I'd be getting paid.