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Tiredonlychild, Six months ago, my response would have been, "oh my gosh, I feel exactly like you!" I am not the only child, but might as well be, and it has always been that way. I had my dad (with dementia) in my home and things got to the point, where it was no longer tolerable. I could not give him the care he needed and our relationship was being affected. He was mad because I made him do things he didn't want to do and I was mad because I felt he wanted things to run on "his" schedule. I knew things had to change. My dad did not want to go to an Assisted Living facility. So after we spent weeks searching for one, we found one, that was more like a home. It only had 8-10 residents in each house and it had a regular kitchen, living room and dining room. He grew up with 8 siblings, so it sounded perfect. He did everything he could to make me and the girls working the house miserable for the first couple of months and was rude to the rest of the residents. He stayed in his room most of the time, wouldn't eat much. I was overwhelmed with guilt. But I knew I had no choice. After about 3 months, things were a touch better. But he kept asking when he was going to get out of here. After 6 months, he began to make a friend with another resident and they would talk. After 9 long months, he is finally beginning to realize this is the best place for him. He has made friends with the residents, even goes to the other houses and visits. It will be a year in January and I am finally not feeling guilty. He is thrilled to see me when I go to visit. He tells everyone, every time "this is my daughter" so proudly! I wish I could tell you how long it will take for the guilt to go away. It will be different with every situation and relationship! But know, you are not alone! My "throwing in the towel" and forcing myself to do what was best for my me and my dad came after reading several articles about caregivers "burning out" and more importantly, dying, before the patient. That woke me up! I realized "Oh my gosh, what would happen to my dad, if something happens to me?" Know you are doing the right thing. After 11 months, I am at peace with the fact, I am not a proper caregiver, for a long time solution and my dad is finally ok with the decision. But "guilt" is a powerful emotion and can destroy us too, if we let it! Good luck and know there are many of us out here facing the same issues.
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Even if you adapt to caring for your end-stage elder and will be attending to their every single need 24 hours a day..you eventually become an emotional cripple and sacrifice your own life and health for them. So when they die you will become a total and complete basket case being emotionally crippled by being a perpetual caregiver. Think about that. I've been a caregiver for my mom for years and I cannot imagine life without her.  
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I think it's natural to have mixed feelings about sending a parent to a nursing facility. We live in a society that teaches us that we must be self-reliant, and handing over our parents to a facility just feels wrong. If your family history includes a bad experience with a nursing home, then you may be carrying around an emotional burden that you do not need to carry.

Change is hard. It's not easy to let go of the father you've been caring for. It's not easy to transfer his care, especially because, for the past 6 years, caring for your dad has become part of who you are. That is a big change.

Your dad is facing a move. Psychologists rate moves as among the top 10 most stressful life events. And, there usually is not a revolving door that gets you back out of a nursing home. It is a frightening prospect.

You've cared for your dad for as long as you could. Please give yourself credit for a tremendous undertaking. Know that you gave your father 6 years of closeness, family time and care. It is time, however, for your dad to receive the 24/7 nursing care he needs, and for you to reclaim your career and devote some energy to your immediate family. First, you will need to claim time for yourself to heal. Be kind to yourself.
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We did all we could to keep our mom in her apartment as long as possible. When it began to be unsafe we started looking for assisted living for her. About the same time one of my sisters retired and volunteered to move Mom in with her. It wasn't exactly what she expected -- Mom was not as well and capable as Sis expected -- but she and her husband did an amazing job in caring for her. We gave them 2 long weekends and one day a week respite. They had housekeeping help. This lasted 14 months, while Mom's dementia and mobility continued to decline. Sis then told us Mom needed more help than she and her husband could provide in their home. The rest of us got into gear and found a suitable nursing home with an immediate opening two blocks from one of us. Meanwhile caregiving Sis was second-guessing their decision. She felt guilty. She felt devastated. She couldn't bring herself to help in the search or to participate in getting Mom moved or even to visit immediately. No one else in the entire family thought she should continue. We all understood that Mother was now beyond the "assisted living" level of care. But it took Sis a long time to accept that.

I think I understand the emotional crisis you are going through. I hope you find some shortcuts to accepting that your decision is for the best.

By the way, after a rough transition, our mom absolutely blossomed in the nh. I think BarbB has a great insight: "I think of ALs and Nursing Homes in the same way I think of public schools; they are the natural socialization environment for folks of a certain age."
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Taking care of someone with end-stage Alzheimer's is a very nerve wracking, harrowing experience because it requires 24-hour care and you have to attend to every single need.  You have to keep a bowel diary because they can get impacted within 3 days which will require Emergency Room treatment (such as disimpaction and massive amounts of laxatives).  In other words you have to make certain they are pooping or you will be in big trouble. They urinate and even defecate in their diapers.  Some don't. Some do it off and on.  Can you wipe your parent's behind cleaning them because they are not capable? Or simply won't? You have to bathe you own parent in a stand-in shower (get rid of the bathtub--eventually they won't be able to get in!)--tear it out and install a walk in shower--that's mandatory.   They are unsteady walking so easily fall and get very confused and wander. If they catch a cold not only will they wander (and often fall) they can't get up so you need to learn how to use a hoyer lift. You spend time preparing their medications, crushing them, even flavoring them with honey and your elder will refuse to take it or fight you the entire way so you have to resort to psychological tactics such as walking away and bribing them with ice cream then slip them their meds. Try doing that every single day and each and every day is a pure struggle. This can last for years. Meanwhile you cannot hold a job. Because the elder IS a full-time job and paying for sitters and caregivers costs MORE than what you earn at work. Should you feel guilty? NO. Do what you must do. Remember by taking off work will impact your own retirement Social Security and the government WILL NOT LIFT A FINGER TO HELP YOU with anything. Being a caregiver can be a special kind of hell.  I still love my mom though and I'm glad she's with me but in another way I've been the caregiver for years so I cannot imagine life without her. So now I've become an emotional cripple.  Oh well. 
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You’re statement ..."I was going slowly going insane and shooting my health and career to hell, and taking my husband and kids down a very difficult road with me" says you deserve to feel happy not guilty. We are not put here to be martyrs and what you describe as guilt is really that you feel you should still be suffering and playing that role. And now that you no longer have to...it doesn’t feel right. It is not your fault that your father's illness caused by dementia has made it get to the point where he needs care provided by a facility. It is perfectly alright that you have a normal life, good health and a family life that is not bearing the brunt of all this. Now what IS healthy is loving your dad enough to get him care that he needs and deserves without putting you, your health and family's life at risk. He would not want that for you would he?. I look at it this way with my dad...he lived a good life doing what he wanted up until 92 when he needed closer supervision. He’s gone from IL, to AL and is now in a SNF having rehab. From there he may end up at another level. We don’t know yet. But this is a disease he has and is treated as such in decision making. And I never feel guilty that he had a good life and is being cared for. His moods, anger, happiness or whatever is not my doing. I deserve to live the life he did when he was my age. So tell yourself guilt is not welcome or appropriate and each day be grateful for the decision you made. Happily he can afford it.
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I tried to take care of my mom who has dementia. It was not easy. Parents take care of their children and then children are suppose to take care of their parents. About a year ago I had to place my mom in a nursing home. The guilt is still there. It comes and goes. I know I did the best for her and she is well taken care of but the guilt is still there.
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Don't feel guilty... what is happening is you are getting him the help he needs and you need ...Now you can have quality time together......... There is a big difference between those who finally accept that this is the best thing to do and those who just want it to be easy. My mother, god bless her, wrote everything down and when the time comes we will do what she has set out.... but I know we will feel like we are letting her down somehow....
She even wrote not to worry if we felt guilty...It just means we love her.
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"I get to be a daughter again and love my dad fully."

^ when you feel down, and guilty, and scared, focus on this, only this. You will be so happy to visit him now, and he'll be so happy to see you, every single time.
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Today, I told our cleaning lady that next week Dad would be at a nursing.....I COULDN'T SAY IT ... I defaulted to "nursing center" - but I wanted to let her know so she wouldn't walk in and think he had died. Uggghhh. Of course, she did not care at all. PTSD - as mentioned - I'm sure, is on the way. Thanks everyone for kindness and wise words.
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Oh, I can so identify with your post and the others. After years of caring for our parents my siblings and I placed my mother in a nursing facility 6 months ago and my father is soon to join her. And yes, the guilt is awful. I broke down crying the other day because I too obssess and fantasize about bringing her home and taking care of the both of them. I find myself justifying our decision to people and even on this website and I am going to try not to do that anymore. We thought we could take care of them until the end and we could not. In my fantasies I can take care of both with help from my siblings, but I realize that in my mind I am going back to a time when my mother was stronger and didn’t need as much care. I don’t know what to do with the guilt other than try to be the best advocate for my parents and to be a constant presence still in their lives. Today, at the nursing home while I was hugging and kissing my mother goodbye, I noticed two CNA’s whispering together and in my mind I just knew that the one was telling the other what an uncaring daughter I was because my mother was in there. In reality, he could have been talking about his coming weekend, but that’s what guilt will do to you!
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Of course you feel guilty. Goes with the territory. Accept it, have a good cry. It’s a huge relief when the loved one is placed in a safe, secure environment. Now the PTSD sets in for you. Yes, it’s PTSD- because why we are caring or months and years of caregiving leading up to this moment -we are totally on high alert, waiting for the next crisis. Frustrated and anxious every day because of all the juggling - mom; wife; daughter, executive, chauffeur, medical assistant, estate manager...just to name a few.

I felt total burnout as I moved my mom then had to quickly clean out 40 yrs of moms home, repairs and sale while maintaining a full time job out of state. I took a break from mom and took several months (yep months) to sort out feelings, hate , guilt, love, loss, and turning the page on the next chapter. I had the support of friends, this site and others who’ve walked this walk with their parents.

You did everything right. Now shift from being primary caregiver to the loving daughter you want to be and have the time to be.

Feel better. You deserve all good feelings. Dad will have good and bad days. He is turning a page too and entering some final chapters. You can help best by just visiting, holding hands, playing music or taking walks together. Truly cherish the moments. Dad will be fine.
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I'm glad that youre feeling better! My brothers and I, we never, ever considered the idea that mom, when she developed "mild" cognitive decline and later vascular dementia, would or should live with one of us. We watched mom struggle with her own mom, who simply had mobility issues, for 7 years, in our home. Poor grandma was desperately lonely and isolated, mom was constantly stressed and the misery was shared all around.

I think of ALs and Nursing Homes in the same way I think of public schools; they are the natural socialization environment for folks of a certain age.
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Tired only child. I’m a tired only child as well. "I am so happy for you. I Have no clue why rectangle shows up versus the vowel “I️”
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BarbBrooklyn - i guess i feel guilty because I'm so HAPPY he's leaving. I love my dad, I've cared for him for years, but I just couldn't handle this situation any more and I feel I've failed him because I couldn't keep this up until he passed. I feel guilty because I thought when things got really bad, he would do what i THINK i would do and throw in the towel and call in hospice - but he hasn't = and maybe he SHOULDN'T. But I was getting mad about it. And how silly is that? I don't even FEEL that way, I just wanted the care issues to end...not my dad.

I am SO happy we officially have a placement that is 24/7 care, safe and beautiful. There will be problems, I'm sure, but at least I get to be a daughter again and love my dad fully. This is taken my soul. I also get to be a wife and mom again. And a business owner. Everything was being consumed by the black hole of his care. Thanks everyone for letting me vent. I'm sure there'll be more rollercoaster feelings, but I've gotten over hump 1.
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I expect your Dad is more apprehensive than anything else - after all these are new people and new routines - but also sad about separating from you, of course! - how would you feel if he was saying "thank God for that, I'm sick of the sight of you all..."!?

But this is a huge change and everyone is bound to be unsettled. You've picked a facility you're happy with, so lean on them heavily for support and reassurance, take one day at a time, and have faith that all will be well.
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You are beyond burn out.

Dad needs more care than can be given at home.

Guilt is appropriate as an emotion when you've one something wrong, something harmful to another.

Tell me what you've done that's wrong.

You feel guilty, I suppose, because you've put yourself and your family first. Of course by doing so, you are saving your mental and physical health so that you can advocate for dad. But you know that. Because if you're not around, what would become of dad.

Why do you feel guilty?
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I don't know ...I obsess with trying to figure out if I can bring Dad home again.
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