Finally found a placement for my dad - Yes! Now I feel awful and guilty.

I don't know ...I obsess with trying to figure out if I can bring Dad home again.

You are beyond burn out.

Dad needs more care than can be given at home.

Guilt is appropriate as an emotion when you've one something wrong, something harmful to another.

Tell me what you've done that's wrong.

You feel guilty, I suppose, because you've put yourself and your family first. Of course by doing so, you are saving your mental and physical health so that you can advocate for dad. But you know that. Because if you're not around, what would become of dad.

Why do you feel guilty?

I expect your Dad is more apprehensive than anything else - after all these are new people and new routines - but also sad about separating from you, of course! - how would you feel if he was saying "thank God for that, I'm sick of the sight of you all..."!?

But this is a huge change and everyone is bound to be unsettled. You've picked a facility you're happy with, so lean on them heavily for support and reassurance, take one day at a time, and have faith that all will be well.

BarbBrooklyn - i guess i feel guilty because I'm so HAPPY he's leaving. I love my dad, I've cared for him for years, but I just couldn't handle this situation any more and I feel I've failed him because I couldn't keep this up until he passed. I feel guilty because I thought when things got really bad, he would do what i THINK i would do and throw in the towel and call in hospice - but he hasn't = and maybe he SHOULDN'T. But I was getting mad about it. And how silly is that? I don't even FEEL that way, I just wanted the care issues to end...not my dad.

I am SO happy we officially have a placement that is 24/7 care, safe and beautiful. There will be problems, I'm sure, but at least I get to be a daughter again and love my dad fully. This is taken my soul. I also get to be a wife and mom again. And a business owner. Everything was being consumed by the black hole of his care. Thanks everyone for letting me vent. I'm sure there'll be more rollercoaster feelings, but I've gotten over hump 1.

Tired only child. I’m a tired only child as well. "I am so happy for you. I Have no clue why rectangle shows up versus the vowel “I️”

I'm glad that youre feeling better! My brothers and I, we never, ever considered the idea that mom, when she developed "mild" cognitive decline and later vascular dementia, would or should live with one of us. We watched mom struggle with her own mom, who simply had mobility issues, for 7 years, in our home. Poor grandma was desperately lonely and isolated, mom was constantly stressed and the misery was shared all around.

I think of ALs and Nursing Homes in the same way I think of public schools; they are the natural socialization environment for folks of a certain age.

Of course you feel guilty. Goes with the territory. Accept it, have a good cry. It’s a huge relief when the loved one is placed in a safe, secure environment. Now the PTSD sets in for you. Yes, it’s PTSD- because why we are caring or months and years of caregiving leading up to this moment -we are totally on high alert, waiting for the next crisis. Frustrated and anxious every day because of all the juggling - mom; wife; daughter, executive, chauffeur, medical assistant, estate manager...just to name a few.

I felt total burnout as I moved my mom then had to quickly clean out 40 yrs of moms home, repairs and sale while maintaining a full time job out of state. I took a break from mom and took several months (yep months) to sort out feelings, hate , guilt, love, loss, and turning the page on the next chapter. I had the support of friends, this site and others who’ve walked this walk with their parents.

You did everything right. Now shift from being primary caregiver to the loving daughter you want to be and have the time to be.

Feel better. You deserve all good feelings. Dad will have good and bad days. He is turning a page too and entering some final chapters. You can help best by just visiting, holding hands, playing music or taking walks together. Truly cherish the moments. Dad will be fine.

Oh, I can so identify with your post and the others. After years of caring for our parents my siblings and I placed my mother in a nursing facility 6 months ago and my father is soon to join her. And yes, the guilt is awful. I broke down crying the other day because I too obssess and fantasize about bringing her home and taking care of the both of them. I find myself justifying our decision to people and even on this website and I am going to try not to do that anymore. We thought we could take care of them until the end and we could not. In my fantasies I can take care of both with help from my siblings, but I realize that in my mind I am going back to a time when my mother was stronger and didn’t need as much care. I don’t know what to do with the guilt other than try to be the best advocate for my parents and to be a constant presence still in their lives. Today, at the nursing home while I was hugging and kissing my mother goodbye, I noticed two CNA’s whispering together and in my mind I just knew that the one was telling the other what an uncaring daughter I was because my mother was in there. In reality, he could have been talking about his coming weekend, but that’s what guilt will do to you!

Today, I told our cleaning lady that next week Dad would be at a nursing.....I COULDN'T SAY IT ... I defaulted to "nursing center" - but I wanted to let her know so she wouldn't walk in and think he had died. Uggghhh. Of course, she did not care at all. PTSD - as mentioned - I'm sure, is on the way. Thanks everyone for kindness and wise words.

"I get to be a daughter again and love my dad fully."

^ when you feel down, and guilty, and scared, focus on this, only this. You will be so happy to visit him now, and he'll be so happy to see you, every single time.

Don't feel guilty... what is happening is you are getting him the help he needs and you need ...Now you can have quality time together......... There is a big difference between those who finally accept that this is the best thing to do and those who just want it to be easy. My mother, god bless her, wrote everything down and when the time comes we will do what she has set out.... but I know we will feel like we are letting her down somehow....
She even wrote not to worry if we felt guilty...It just means we love her.

I tried to take care of my mom who has dementia. It was not easy. Parents take care of their children and then children are suppose to take care of their parents. About a year ago I had to place my mom in a nursing home. The guilt is still there. It comes and goes. I know I did the best for her and she is well taken care of but the guilt is still there.

You’re statement ..."I was going slowly going insane and shooting my health and career to hell, and taking my husband and kids down a very difficult road with me" says you deserve to feel happy not guilty. We are not put here to be martyrs and what you describe as guilt is really that you feel you should still be suffering and playing that role. And now that you no longer have to...it doesn’t feel right. It is not your fault that your father's illness caused by dementia has made it get to the point where he needs care provided by a facility. It is perfectly alright that you have a normal life, good health and a family life that is not bearing the brunt of all this. Now what IS healthy is loving your dad enough to get him care that he needs and deserves without putting you, your health and family's life at risk. He would not want that for you would he?. I look at it this way with my dad...he lived a good life doing what he wanted up until 92 when he needed closer supervision. He’s gone from IL, to AL and is now in a SNF having rehab. From there he may end up at another level. We don’t know yet. But this is a disease he has and is treated as such in decision making. And I never feel guilty that he had a good life and is being cared for. His moods, anger, happiness or whatever is not my doing. I deserve to live the life he did when he was my age. So tell yourself guilt is not welcome or appropriate and each day be grateful for the decision you made. Happily he can afford it.

Taking care of someone with end-stage Alzheimer's is a very nerve wracking, harrowing experience because it requires 24-hour care and you have to attend to every single need.  You have to keep a bowel diary because they can get impacted within 3 days which will require Emergency Room treatment (such as disimpaction and massive amounts of laxatives).  In other words you have to make certain they are pooping or you will be in big trouble. They urinate and even defecate in their diapers.  Some don't. Some do it off and on.  Can you wipe your parent's behind cleaning them because they are not capable? Or simply won't? You have to bathe you own parent in a stand-in shower (get rid of the bathtub--eventually they won't be able to get in!)--tear it out and install a walk in shower--that's mandatory.   They are unsteady walking so easily fall and get very confused and wander. If they catch a cold not only will they wander (and often fall) they can't get up so you need to learn how to use a hoyer lift. You spend time preparing their medications, crushing them, even flavoring them with honey and your elder will refuse to take it or fight you the entire way so you have to resort to psychological tactics such as walking away and bribing them with ice cream then slip them their meds. Try doing that every single day and each and every day is a pure struggle. This can last for years. Meanwhile you cannot hold a job. Because the elder IS a full-time job and paying for sitters and caregivers costs MORE than what you earn at work. Should you feel guilty? NO. Do what you must do. Remember by taking off work will impact your own retirement Social Security and the government WILL NOT LIFT A FINGER TO HELP YOU with anything. Being a caregiver can be a special kind of hell.  I still love my mom though and I'm glad she's with me but in another way I've been the caregiver for years so I cannot imagine life without her. So now I've become an emotional cripple.  Oh well. 

We did all we could to keep our mom in her apartment as long as possible. When it began to be unsafe we started looking for assisted living for her. About the same time one of my sisters retired and volunteered to move Mom in with her. It wasn't exactly what she expected -- Mom was not as well and capable as Sis expected -- but she and her husband did an amazing job in caring for her. We gave them 2 long weekends and one day a week respite. They had housekeeping help. This lasted 14 months, while Mom's dementia and mobility continued to decline. Sis then told us Mom needed more help than she and her husband could provide in their home. The rest of us got into gear and found a suitable nursing home with an immediate opening two blocks from one of us. Meanwhile caregiving Sis was second-guessing their decision. She felt guilty. She felt devastated. She couldn't bring herself to help in the search or to participate in getting Mom moved or even to visit immediately. No one else in the entire family thought she should continue. We all understood that Mother was now beyond the "assisted living" level of care. But it took Sis a long time to accept that.

I think I understand the emotional crisis you are going through. I hope you find some shortcuts to accepting that your decision is for the best.

By the way, after a rough transition, our mom absolutely blossomed in the nh. I think BarbB has a great insight: "I think of ALs and Nursing Homes in the same way I think of public schools; they are the natural socialization environment for folks of a certain age."

I think it's natural to have mixed feelings about sending a parent to a nursing facility. We live in a society that teaches us that we must be self-reliant, and handing over our parents to a facility just feels wrong. If your family history includes a bad experience with a nursing home, then you may be carrying around an emotional burden that you do not need to carry.

Change is hard. It's not easy to let go of the father you've been caring for. It's not easy to transfer his care, especially because, for the past 6 years, caring for your dad has become part of who you are. That is a big change.

Your dad is facing a move. Psychologists rate moves as among the top 10 most stressful life events. And, there usually is not a revolving door that gets you back out of a nursing home. It is a frightening prospect.

You've cared for your dad for as long as you could. Please give yourself credit for a tremendous undertaking. Know that you gave your father 6 years of closeness, family time and care. It is time, however, for your dad to receive the 24/7 nursing care he needs, and for you to reclaim your career and devote some energy to your immediate family. First, you will need to claim time for yourself to heal. Be kind to yourself.

Even if you adapt to caring for your end-stage elder and will be attending to their every single need 24 hours a day..you eventually become an emotional cripple and sacrifice your own life and health for them. So when they die you will become a total and complete basket case being emotionally crippled by being a perpetual caregiver. Think about that. I've been a caregiver for my mom for years and I cannot imagine life without her.  

Tiredonlychild, Six months ago, my response would have been, "oh my gosh, I feel exactly like you!" I am not the only child, but might as well be, and it has always been that way. I had my dad (with dementia) in my home and things got to the point, where it was no longer tolerable. I could not give him the care he needed and our relationship was being affected. He was mad because I made him do things he didn't want to do and I was mad because I felt he wanted things to run on "his" schedule. I knew things had to change. My dad did not want to go to an Assisted Living facility. So after we spent weeks searching for one, we found one, that was more like a home. It only had 8-10 residents in each house and it had a regular kitchen, living room and dining room. He grew up with 8 siblings, so it sounded perfect. He did everything he could to make me and the girls working the house miserable for the first couple of months and was rude to the rest of the residents. He stayed in his room most of the time, wouldn't eat much. I was overwhelmed with guilt. But I knew I had no choice. After about 3 months, things were a touch better. But he kept asking when he was going to get out of here. After 6 months, he began to make a friend with another resident and they would talk. After 9 long months, he is finally beginning to realize this is the best place for him. He has made friends with the residents, even goes to the other houses and visits. It will be a year in January and I am finally not feeling guilty. He is thrilled to see me when I go to visit. He tells everyone, every time "this is my daughter" so proudly! I wish I could tell you how long it will take for the guilt to go away. It will be different with every situation and relationship! But know, you are not alone! My "throwing in the towel" and forcing myself to do what was best for my me and my dad came after reading several articles about caregivers "burning out" and more importantly, dying, before the patient. That woke me up! I realized "Oh my gosh, what would happen to my dad, if something happens to me?" Know you are doing the right thing. After 11 months, I am at peace with the fact, I am not a proper caregiver, for a long time solution and my dad is finally ok with the decision. But "guilt" is a powerful emotion and can destroy us too, if we let it! Good luck and know there are many of us out here facing the same issues.

See if you can visit him as much as you're able to and bring family especially the kids so he won't feel abandoned and you won't feel so guilty. Bring his favorite snacks, books, magazines or framed photos of family, or even take him out for a ride or to the movies. Just because he's no longer living with you doesn't mean you can't have quality time with him. You both may appreciate each other more just like that "distance makes the heart grow fonder" saying.

DEvote yourself to leaning how to separate how you feel from what you do.. This is not idle talk....You are, as someone said, beyond burnout...

When dad gets to the nursing home, make it a point to visit often, perhaps three times a week for half hour visits.

(I went to the nursing home to visit my profoundly handicapped (but yet alert wife) for ten years twice daily and hired ladies to sit with her at the dinner hour as well so she could have social life and even with that light schedule, I was exhausted much of the time...Now she has passed away and though I miss her, she is now FREE of pain and suffering.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

I placed my mom, who was semi-willing to go - she wound up loving it there. They had a patio, and she would sit outdoors for hours, occasionally chatting with other residents. The last thing I expected was that she would like it - it may be the same for your dad. Give it some time and be gentle with yourself, it may all work out for the best.

Congratulations for taking that difficult but necessary step. I did 7 months ago when I place 96 yr. old Mom in a very good memory care nursing home, for basically very similar reasons . It is not easy. At least in my mother's memory situation, she forgets why she is there and constantly asks us. Brace for those moments and stay strong.

It is normal to have bouts of guilt arise when faced with their inability to understand why they cannot come back to live with their loved ones. Go through those times knowing that you did the right thing in time to save your marriage, family and career, and most of all to offer him the correct care and attention he now needs.

There is a stage of adjustment - different for each, including all of you. Ride the waves and make sure you do not let your Dad's requests, patterns and past habits of life deplete your heart's good nature.

This situation is like a roller-coaster. Its okay. Many of us have experienced this transition. Just love him and let him know by phone and in-person that he is not alone; that he still has you!

Hi there: I so understand your feelings of guilt. I went through the same thing with my Dad before he passed away 12 years ago. He never lived with me and my family yet the circumstances of his illness (he had Parkinson's disease) took its toll on all of us. I have 5 siblings yet I was the one who had to assist my mother with everything from selecting a nursing home then changing nursing homes to settling his financial affairs. I second guessed a lot of the choices I made, however I now see it that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Believe it or not, I am now going through the same thing with my 87 year old mother who is in failing health. It has been 6 months of pure hell as she has been in numerous facilities. I finally settled upon one that is a fair distance from my house but is the best one for her in many ways. Though I do understand the guilt you are feeling, you should first and foremost be very proud of yourself. You took care of your Dad in your home for a long time while at the same time raising your own family and trying to have a life of your own. Taking care of an elderly person is a very tiring, exhausting task that affects the entire family. Many times during the last 6 months I have felt like I was going to go insane also (I still do). My health has also been affected as many nights I don't sleep, I wait for the phone to ring and I am constantly getting calls from doctors, caseworkers, etc. It has been horrible. This in turn has affected both my husband and my daughter because as you said, they travel down the road with you. That is one of the things I feel most guilty about. My husband and I recently retired (I am 60) and this was not how I expected retirement to be. I try to look at it now that my mother is where she should be for her own safety and wellbeing. Perhaps if you look at it from that standpoint you won't feel as guilty. I am sure you selected a place where your Dad will be well taken care of. It is sad when I visit my mom at the nursing home so I understand that emotion also. She is sad about being there but knows that due to her many health conditions it is where she needs to be as none of us are equipped to take care of her. I commend you for all you did for your Dad. You are a wonderful daughter. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You deserve to have a life as do your husband and children. I wish you the peace that comes from knowing you have done all you can for your Dad. He is a lucky man to have you.

Please don't feel guilty, you are very lucky you have the option. If he has gotten to the point in his health that you made this decision, just remember he is only going to get worse. You also have a family being effected by his needs while in your home. He is going to be upset at first but once he is used to his new surroundings and schedule he will be ok he may even be better knowing he is not being a burden to you and your family. Just visit so he knows you are still there.

Think of the things you'll be able to do once you aren't responsible 24/7. You can visit, play a game, look at old photos, reminisce...When you are burnt out and exhausted, those pleasant experiences are hard to have. And...you will still be your father's most valued advocate, watch out for his care, buy little things that aren't provided, possibly do home laundry, hang pictures in his room....

I was feeling guilty about soon placing my husband but my best friend helped me when she said, “ Randy is a quality man and deserves quality help. You can no longer give him that. Place him so he can get the quality care he deserves.” It helped me so much to think of it that way. Hope it helps you as well.

Everyone needs to realize, you can't do it all. Me, I found I am not a caregiver, no patience. I couldn't look at my Mom because all I saw was a fragile old lady who was more a child then my mother who only a year before was driving a car. I, also, hated being the one she took it out on, which wasn't my Mom in normal conditions. Daycare was a help, AL was better but still responsibilities. A NH was where I could just be a visitor. All her needs were met. I even gave up washing her laundry. She passed away on Sept 23rd. Yes, I feel guilty for not having more patience but it felt like I couldn't help it. And it would have been nice if she could have spent the rest of her days in her home. But that was not to be. I physically and mentally could not take care of her in the final stages. Not once was I made to feel from the NH staff that I was pushing her off on them. They were nice to her and to me. Even when I was a little OCD about her appearance. (I put her outfits together and mad sure her hair was a nice as it could be). Please don't feel guilty. Visit as much as you can. You owe it to your family to be there for them. Your are always going to wish there was a better way. But one person can't do it all. You just can't spread yourself that thin, something or somebody suffers. You will feel most of that weight will lift.

They say anyone can get used to living in any situation, no matter how bad. Your brain builds up neural pathways and it becomes your life, the way it is. Say you lived in a primitive shack in the desert, won the lottery, and moved to a big chalet in the NorthWest. You would not necessarily be 'happier', it would just feel weird, like something's not 'right', it would take time to adjust. Just my opinion....Now, when my mother finally went into a nursing home, I DID feel ecstatically happy, believe you me, and I'm not afraid to admit it. She had put me through H*LL for years, it nearly killed me, and toward the end she didn't know her own house, she couldn't answer the door or the telephone, she fell down several times a week, she wasn't eating or taking her medications, and it was just the most awful worst nightmare. (I will admit also, she had always been a cruel and callous parent. I was partially raised by relatives. Though we had a few good times, I was resentful, stuck with that awful old woman!) So when she finally went into a nursing home, I was thrilled - for both of us, really. I was free (though with damaged physical and mental health) and she had her needs taken care of 24/7. And she seemed as happy there as anywhere else, never complained about anything or demanded to 'go home' - she had gotten worse and worse and her speech, I think, was coming out garbled and didn't make much sense. But I visited and brought her things and she did well there, according to the staff, participating in what activities she could manage and making friends with the residents. My advice is to go visit your father, realize he is never going to 'get better' and will only get worse, he is in a safe place and is getting the vast amount of help there that you can't provide. Your dear Daddy as you knew him as a child and young person, he is no more. You still have a family, and life to live. It's in the nature of things, you must tend to your family and live what time is left.

It amazes me how many testimonies there are that your LO's are happy and better off in any one of many senior care facilities mentioned above. Where does the fall and injure or medication mix-up likelihood kick in. In Mother's experience when I was with Mother 24 x 7 in Independent Living she was Independent until the facility and a dyfunctional family situation made her into confused invalid, wheelchair bound, in and out of Health Care, the Hospital and Personal Care because of their negligence/intentional/criminal acts. They were slick and as the administrator bragged the Courts (I include the Agencies for Mothers protection) were stacked in their favor.  My son and I  got her out of there into a more expensive and nicer facility. She wants to come home to the home my son and I own together. We have a very loving family relationship with my son, his wife, Mom, me and our cat and plenty of room for the 4th and 5th generations to visit us.    She never wants to be without me giving full time care - which I am willing to do even after reading through all the Answers above. Mother has thrived since we got her out of the rogue facility. I am her full time caregiver and as she says, I am right at her elbow all the time or I have my son and his wife who can help out, a retired Nurse that is just great for 6 hours a day about every other week and a friend who comes in 1 evening a week. There is work, games, news, e-mail all available on the internet and TV when my chores are done and Mom is sleeping. The important thing is Mother has not been sick except for when she needed to increase her blood pressure medication. She has not had a fall since we have been here. Even the best facilities don't protect against falls.  Your LO is safest with a 24 x 7 Caretaker when they get to the point they don't have good balance, strong legs or are tired, having a cold etc.  Mother wants to try living at our home, she wants more of a family life atmosphere even though she likes it here and also to extend her money.  With steady care and Love Mom is making sense and thinking clearly.  You are very fortunate and blessed when you have the option of having a loved one at home.     

I so completely understand what you are saying re guilt. This is such a difficult time in our lives when so much happens with and to our parents. The love we have can drive us to insane lengths of care and advocacy and we bounce between anger, frustration and guilt. Anger and frustration that our parents have arrived at this very unfair stage in their lives. Anger and frustration with significant others who could have been helping/ supporting you better. Anger and frustration as we deal with the "services" available to "help", yet again we find ourselves running around trying to still solve issues, as we have to be the go between the services, each which may offer something but not everything under the one umbrella. Anger and frustration with the care homes our beloved parents end up in and the many issues involved there. And GUILT, that in OUR care, we can't "make things right". GUILT, that we know we are collapsing and GUILT that we know we need a break. I don't know whether there is an easy answer other than trying to remind yourself that there are many lives at risk of being affected in these situations. I tried to put in place some visits from others to see my Dad and provide some resources which may be stimulating. I carried guilt right through and ran myself ragged continuing to "make up" for his being in care. Have others involved if possible and try to come to terms that this is the progression of life. Accept the guilt, acknowledge it, then try and be pragmatic and remind yourself it is your time with those other significant people in your life. And as a previous writer has said. The time together in care will be more special and precious and of quality, because you are not burdened with all that goes with looking after at home