Finally found a placement for my dad - Yes! Now I feel awful and guilty.

Tiredonlychild......Sounds like we could be sisters! I love my dad but am so tired of being a nurse and driver to and from drs. appt.s instead of a daughter. He's 95 and we finally said no more driving after 2 wrecks in 2 weeks the last one being pretty serious and thank God no one was hurt. He only drove in a 3 mile area and he knew his limitations. I kept putting it off and putting it off since I knew what it meant.....that I would be driving even more than I was. He lives in an independent facility but it has an assistd living side which I can see us going down that road in the next 6 mos. I'm not going to lie.....I've been burned out for so long and have not enjoyed life the way I should have been (even with him not living with us). My husband has taken over for me with a lot of the errands for him and with him. I even feel a bit guilty over that..... that I'm not doing it!! I keep saying things like -----when dad is gone or when dad isn't able to do whatever that my husband and I will be go someplace and I won't be worrying about him and calling him (or him calling me) every evening. We should be doing that now but and this is on me, I just can't leave for more than 2 or 3 days without feeling bad about it. My mom died last year from Alz/dem. and my sister died 5 years ago (which she wasn't able to help at all because she was single, had a hard job and took care of her grandson to boot). Anyway, I just wanted to say congratulations for taking a huge step. I hope everything goes well with his dialysis/fistula/bleeding so that you can take him to his new home and you can start living a little easier (and yes, you do have to stay on top of everything when they are in a facility. Staff is good but not perfect).(so sorry to hear about your great uncle also. THat's awful!!) Good Luck and God Bless. Oh and PS......taking care of a mixed up, terribly sick father is NOTHING like fixing corporations. It's all business at a company environment. All emotional and draining with loved ones. You only want the best for them. You can find another job but you can only take care of someone once and do it the best you can. Sounds like you are doing a great job!

I don't believe putting your dad in a nursing home is a bad decision. What will make it a bad decision is if you abandon him completely. Yes you will not be the one taking physical care of him but you can still care for him emotionally. Which is just as important. In my opinion it is more important. And now that the physical burden is off your shoulders you will be able to fully love and appreciate your dad the way you did before he needed taking care of.

This is to address the 'why' of not just bringing people in for home care if you're lucky enough to have some money to work with. That was the plan. But what I learned is 1) Agency rates are obscene for what you get: many agency people are truly the bottom of the barrel in terms of basic common sense, and I spent as much time explaining and directing - with different people often each day, often late for four hour blocks that I didn't need. I did solve this problem by hiring my own CNA for two hour block periods - which works much better, with shower, dressing, shaving, cleaning of linens and then it's a wrap. She is terrific, which is why I'm paying her to continue caring for Dad at the memory care unit. 2) I really really needed  night coverage because my husband works nights - the problem is, dad had started calling me over the monitor at night, and this is truly what was making me nuts. Working on several fronts during the day and then, no rest at night. I told my DH that I was going to take Dad's  TV out and shoot it with a shotgun when Dad left just because i was so tired of hearing the constant CONSTANT buzz of the tv all night long. (jk about shooting tv - I really just want blessed silence again - with just the three teens...LOL). BUT, again, agencies want a 12 hour block at night - and with my husband working at night, and even being the Strong Independent Woman I am :) - I didn't feel comfortable having a strange man (or woman) with basically nothing to do at night, in my house, with idle hands, as they say, while I'm sleeping. I never worry, necessarily about the actual person in my house, but I do worry about their friends "two steps" back. My great uncle was murdered in his home because someone who was helping him told his friend, who told another friend, that he thought he had money. The bad seed came in and shot him, looking for that money. Sooooo. That was an unexpected emotional response that kind of blew up that whole night time coverage plan. For the past two weeks, my 23 year old, who is a night owl and between jobs, started taking the monitor for me at night for a small fee (keep the money in the family). This has helped a lot - and I thought that would solve it. But if there's delirium, he can't cope with it, and I'm still up. The funny thing is I plan out strategic plans for disasters all day long for large corporations, but could not work around the daily crazy/chaos of elderly parent with cardiac/kidney failure and vascular dementia. Just could never get a dependable handle on what might work - other than to ultimately move him where he's in an allegedly safer, more watched situation. That said, I relate to the woman who is determined to do home care for her mother. He NEVER had a bed sore at home. But he got bed sores every time he was at the hospital and rehab. It infuriates me. And I can guarantee you it might happen again, although I'm working with my own CNA to try and avoid it.

Thanks everyone. I'm over the guilt - at least today. LOL. Went in and made his new suite so nice, I joked with the staff that if he doesn't want to come, I think I'll move in. (Hubby even put together one of those huge "fireplace" mantels, since they now come with no heat - which is a no-no here. So many good things - the nursing home was actually humming with activities - literally. A guy playing guitar and christmas carols (probably the only christmas concert I'll get to hear! and the room is really quite nice.) only drawback - cleaning the bathroom - opened the medicine cabinet and found a USED shi%$^ diaper stuffed in it. Horrified (especially because like an idiot, I started to pick it up because I didn't even recognize what I was looking at) I called staff. They were horrified (dad's not even moved in) and they tried to make right by saying some of the patients apparently check the locks and if a room is empty they stuff their soiled diapers in it. So yeah, that was a little bit of a reality check. Uggghhh. But beyond that, I think it really is a good environment. I DID see PTs working with patients, and their central room was a chatter with people and activities. Very nice, actually. We shall see how it goes. I still worry there's not enough staff to patient ratio, but that's why I've hired a CNA for another set of hands and eyes on him. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your wonderful comments. I'm not going to lie. I'm so excited about him leaving - and that might not even happen. At the same exact moment, his fistula for his dialysis appears to not be working and he's been bleeding out for an hour and half for the past two sessions. We have dutifully taken him by transport to the vascular surgeon who said he fixed it. He did not. Now we have to take him by squad again this week, but if he bleeds like he did on Monday, he might be going straight to the hospital - not to the memory care unit - to get platelets. Never a dull moment. I JUST WANT TO SEE A MOVIE WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. I guess soon enough. Hugs to all.

Thank you, Rosyday, for explaining all of that so concisely! I have found that to be true, too. The dream of 24/7 homecare is just that for most of us...a dream.

Commuter girl ,In home care is wildly expensive unless you only need a couple hours. If you go through an agency which provides you with somewhat trained and bonded employees, it's $20-35 hourly, depending on where you live. If you are planning on 24/7 care that's about $175,000 a year on the low end of the scale. If you hire privately for a lower hourly rate, you must investigate the employees and any substitute you will need. You must pay all social security, etc. You become an employer and all that entails. If you pay under the table, you take a big risk. In addition, most homes are not set up for caregiving. I looked at all this for my own mother.

Technology is not as it was years ago. My suggestion is to make sure you have POA for your dad to make decisions and be heard by staff. Second, make sure you install a telephone for him. It doesn't have to have long distance just so he can call you or a cell phone if he is capable of using one. Most importantly, I would get a cam in his room like I got from Walmart called Trend Secure. I can see and hear my mom while I am out shopping it's in real time. It even shows her in the dark. I think both of you would be relieved. Not sure if you need permission from the home but I would raise an eyebrow if they decline your request. If he is a happy person it may work well for him. I believe the guilt is more fed from stereotypes of nursing homes. Unfortunately, the ones my mom was in (Medicaid paid) created the stereotypes. I guess my biggest question is if you put down a deposit and are paying out of pocket, then why can't paid for in home care be considered. Good luck.

Lol, Cindyjo! Thanks for clarifying, but even if the entire family including the dog had been prescribed anti-depressants I don't think any of us would find it surprising.

Post script to my comment: It's Mom that's getting the meds for depression. I made it sound like it was all of us.

PTSD!! Thanks, Sunflo, for calling it what it is....PTSD! That's the perfect description for what my sister and I have been experiencing. Mom lived with me most recently for about 4 intense years, then simply got too weak for me to care for. Long story short, 7 months ago we found a highly rated, relatively small NH for her. She gets good care, but her emotional state has been a roller coaster ride that adds to our guilt feelings. Our BRAINS know that we did the right thing, but our HEARTS...well, that's a different story. But I'm trying to keep my chin up. Lots of prayer for strength. We are in a period of depression-medication adjustments right now,which is very hard for all of us, but we are hopeful. It's better some days than others (take it one day at a time!) And know in your mind AND heart that you did the right thing for your parent!

Why the guilt - you provided well for your dad - in a few weeks when he settles you will probably be saying 'why didn'y I do it sooner because HE LOVES IT?'

Otherwise the guilt is your own not as to your dad because of long standing issues - dump it & move on - my mom is quite content with her 10+ activities a week - she loved her move - told me once she was concidered part of staff because she participated & helped so much ... hope your dad is as content

Nothing at all to have a guilt complex over.

Tiredonlychild,

99.9999% of us will all feel we have failed our parent(s).

In the years of lore, families lived with generations in the same house. There was always someone to help.

I loved it when our great-mother lived with us for awhile when I was in grade school. Listening to her stories as a young bride moving from OK to TX in a covered wagon!! None of my siblings ever talked with her.

OUR lives are no longer lived like they would have been 100 yrs ago. My Mom took care of her Mother in our House for about 2-3 yrs. She finally had to talk with her 2 brothers about how hard it was becoming. Her youngest brother placed grandma in a wonderful living facility. She had a 1 bedroom type apartment with furniture from her house. It was more like an exclusive condo. Beautiful dining room etc. She finally had to be placed behind "The doors". She still had a wonderful place to live until she passed.

I feel guilty that I live out of State and my older sister, not worth a tinker's damn, lives in Mom's house and doesn't lift a finger to truly take care of Mom.

Please talk with a therapist who specializes in family/elderly care. I talk with a therapist and have been for 7+ years because my family is so self centered that they don't see how it what is needed for others aka Mom.

There are groups too who are in the same place you are with your feelings. Please seek help because you will drive yourself insane and your family too.

You did right by your dad...absolutely nothing to feel guilty over.

TiredonlyChild, the struggle is real. I completely understand and sympathize with your roller coaster of emotions. You love your dad, (that's very apparent) But you also have the right, and need, at this point to get back to your own life as a wife, mom, and business owner. It sounds like you did your very best ( and then some, I'm sure) for as long as you possibly can. Their will be a transition period, but I'm sure your dad will really warm up to the new home and surroundings in time. We give so much, selflessly as caregivers for so long that their must come a time that we get to reclaim our own lives without guilt! Guilt for what? If we were never there or just didn't care for their wellbeing at all then that would serve reason to feel guilty. We are human, and can do only what we can. Congrats, I dream of the day I get to reclaim my life, home, career, and everything else that gets swept to the side to care for an aging, sick parent. It isn't for the faint hearted, and at this point, I just hope I have some life, and little spunk left in me when that time does come. The emotions you go through as a caregiver are overwhelming, and so tiring. You did whats best for your family, but most of all for your dad, you should not beat yourself up. You seem like a truly caring daughter who will always be there for him if he's upstairs, or down the road at a facility. Take care of you, too! Best wishes:-) Kelly

Your and your entire family are to be commended...six years of 24/7 caregiving. You did the best you could, sacrificed much of the usual family life you were used to. When the time came that it was more than you could do, and time for a N/H, it was the right decision, and your dad's agreement supported it. Just know you'll always be there for him, and the love never ends between parent and child. Take Care of yourselves.

Oh, I so get it.

I know the happiness of having the subordination of one's one wishes and desires, the subservience and tedium of care finally come to an end.

You are entitled to have mixed feelings. That's what these transitions are all about. Mixed feelings.

Just feel them. Feelings are not facts.

Wow, you have provided a wonderful, loving service for uour dad.... for a very long time. Life is all about change and the time has come for this important change so you can move forward and Dad can be cared for in a safe place. I can tell you from personal experience that the first month or two will be a roller coaster of emotions, but hang in there, it gets better.

I so completely understand what you are saying re guilt. This is such a difficult time in our lives when so much happens with and to our parents. The love we have can drive us to insane lengths of care and advocacy and we bounce between anger, frustration and guilt. Anger and frustration that our parents have arrived at this very unfair stage in their lives. Anger and frustration with significant others who could have been helping/ supporting you better. Anger and frustration as we deal with the "services" available to "help", yet again we find ourselves running around trying to still solve issues, as we have to be the go between the services, each which may offer something but not everything under the one umbrella. Anger and frustration with the care homes our beloved parents end up in and the many issues involved there. And GUILT, that in OUR care, we can't "make things right". GUILT, that we know we are collapsing and GUILT that we know we need a break. I don't know whether there is an easy answer other than trying to remind yourself that there are many lives at risk of being affected in these situations. I tried to put in place some visits from others to see my Dad and provide some resources which may be stimulating. I carried guilt right through and ran myself ragged continuing to "make up" for his being in care. Have others involved if possible and try to come to terms that this is the progression of life. Accept the guilt, acknowledge it, then try and be pragmatic and remind yourself it is your time with those other significant people in your life. And as a previous writer has said. The time together in care will be more special and precious and of quality, because you are not burdened with all that goes with looking after at home

It amazes me how many testimonies there are that your LO's are happy and better off in any one of many senior care facilities mentioned above. Where does the fall and injure or medication mix-up likelihood kick in. In Mother's experience when I was with Mother 24 x 7 in Independent Living she was Independent until the facility and a dyfunctional family situation made her into confused invalid, wheelchair bound, in and out of Health Care, the Hospital and Personal Care because of their negligence/intentional/criminal acts. They were slick and as the administrator bragged the Courts (I include the Agencies for Mothers protection) were stacked in their favor.  My son and I  got her out of there into a more expensive and nicer facility. She wants to come home to the home my son and I own together. We have a very loving family relationship with my son, his wife, Mom, me and our cat and plenty of room for the 4th and 5th generations to visit us.    She never wants to be without me giving full time care - which I am willing to do even after reading through all the Answers above. Mother has thrived since we got her out of the rogue facility. I am her full time caregiver and as she says, I am right at her elbow all the time or I have my son and his wife who can help out, a retired Nurse that is just great for 6 hours a day about every other week and a friend who comes in 1 evening a week. There is work, games, news, e-mail all available on the internet and TV when my chores are done and Mom is sleeping. The important thing is Mother has not been sick except for when she needed to increase her blood pressure medication. She has not had a fall since we have been here. Even the best facilities don't protect against falls.  Your LO is safest with a 24 x 7 Caretaker when they get to the point they don't have good balance, strong legs or are tired, having a cold etc.  Mother wants to try living at our home, she wants more of a family life atmosphere even though she likes it here and also to extend her money.  With steady care and Love Mom is making sense and thinking clearly.  You are very fortunate and blessed when you have the option of having a loved one at home.     

They say anyone can get used to living in any situation, no matter how bad. Your brain builds up neural pathways and it becomes your life, the way it is. Say you lived in a primitive shack in the desert, won the lottery, and moved to a big chalet in the NorthWest. You would not necessarily be 'happier', it would just feel weird, like something's not 'right', it would take time to adjust. Just my opinion....Now, when my mother finally went into a nursing home, I DID feel ecstatically happy, believe you me, and I'm not afraid to admit it. She had put me through H*LL for years, it nearly killed me, and toward the end she didn't know her own house, she couldn't answer the door or the telephone, she fell down several times a week, she wasn't eating or taking her medications, and it was just the most awful worst nightmare. (I will admit also, she had always been a cruel and callous parent. I was partially raised by relatives. Though we had a few good times, I was resentful, stuck with that awful old woman!) So when she finally went into a nursing home, I was thrilled - for both of us, really. I was free (though with damaged physical and mental health) and she had her needs taken care of 24/7. And she seemed as happy there as anywhere else, never complained about anything or demanded to 'go home' - she had gotten worse and worse and her speech, I think, was coming out garbled and didn't make much sense. But I visited and brought her things and she did well there, according to the staff, participating in what activities she could manage and making friends with the residents. My advice is to go visit your father, realize he is never going to 'get better' and will only get worse, he is in a safe place and is getting the vast amount of help there that you can't provide. Your dear Daddy as you knew him as a child and young person, he is no more. You still have a family, and life to live. It's in the nature of things, you must tend to your family and live what time is left.

Everyone needs to realize, you can't do it all. Me, I found I am not a caregiver, no patience. I couldn't look at my Mom because all I saw was a fragile old lady who was more a child then my mother who only a year before was driving a car. I, also, hated being the one she took it out on, which wasn't my Mom in normal conditions. Daycare was a help, AL was better but still responsibilities. A NH was where I could just be a visitor. All her needs were met. I even gave up washing her laundry. She passed away on Sept 23rd. Yes, I feel guilty for not having more patience but it felt like I couldn't help it. And it would have been nice if she could have spent the rest of her days in her home. But that was not to be. I physically and mentally could not take care of her in the final stages. Not once was I made to feel from the NH staff that I was pushing her off on them. They were nice to her and to me. Even when I was a little OCD about her appearance. (I put her outfits together and mad sure her hair was a nice as it could be). Please don't feel guilty. Visit as much as you can. You owe it to your family to be there for them. Your are always going to wish there was a better way. But one person can't do it all. You just can't spread yourself that thin, something or somebody suffers. You will feel most of that weight will lift.

I was feeling guilty about soon placing my husband but my best friend helped me when she said, “ Randy is a quality man and deserves quality help. You can no longer give him that. Place him so he can get the quality care he deserves.” It helped me so much to think of it that way. Hope it helps you as well.

Think of the things you'll be able to do once you aren't responsible 24/7. You can visit, play a game, look at old photos, reminisce...When you are burnt out and exhausted, those pleasant experiences are hard to have. And...you will still be your father's most valued advocate, watch out for his care, buy little things that aren't provided, possibly do home laundry, hang pictures in his room....

Please don't feel guilty, you are very lucky you have the option. If he has gotten to the point in his health that you made this decision, just remember he is only going to get worse. You also have a family being effected by his needs while in your home. He is going to be upset at first but once he is used to his new surroundings and schedule he will be ok he may even be better knowing he is not being a burden to you and your family. Just visit so he knows you are still there.

Hi there: I so understand your feelings of guilt. I went through the same thing with my Dad before he passed away 12 years ago. He never lived with me and my family yet the circumstances of his illness (he had Parkinson's disease) took its toll on all of us. I have 5 siblings yet I was the one who had to assist my mother with everything from selecting a nursing home then changing nursing homes to settling his financial affairs. I second guessed a lot of the choices I made, however I now see it that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Believe it or not, I am now going through the same thing with my 87 year old mother who is in failing health. It has been 6 months of pure hell as she has been in numerous facilities. I finally settled upon one that is a fair distance from my house but is the best one for her in many ways. Though I do understand the guilt you are feeling, you should first and foremost be very proud of yourself. You took care of your Dad in your home for a long time while at the same time raising your own family and trying to have a life of your own. Taking care of an elderly person is a very tiring, exhausting task that affects the entire family. Many times during the last 6 months I have felt like I was going to go insane also (I still do). My health has also been affected as many nights I don't sleep, I wait for the phone to ring and I am constantly getting calls from doctors, caseworkers, etc. It has been horrible. This in turn has affected both my husband and my daughter because as you said, they travel down the road with you. That is one of the things I feel most guilty about. My husband and I recently retired (I am 60) and this was not how I expected retirement to be. I try to look at it now that my mother is where she should be for her own safety and wellbeing. Perhaps if you look at it from that standpoint you won't feel as guilty. I am sure you selected a place where your Dad will be well taken care of. It is sad when I visit my mom at the nursing home so I understand that emotion also. She is sad about being there but knows that due to her many health conditions it is where she needs to be as none of us are equipped to take care of her. I commend you for all you did for your Dad. You are a wonderful daughter. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You deserve to have a life as do your husband and children. I wish you the peace that comes from knowing you have done all you can for your Dad. He is a lucky man to have you.

Congratulations for taking that difficult but necessary step. I did 7 months ago when I place 96 yr. old Mom in a very good memory care nursing home, for basically very similar reasons . It is not easy. At least in my mother's memory situation, she forgets why she is there and constantly asks us. Brace for those moments and stay strong.

It is normal to have bouts of guilt arise when faced with their inability to understand why they cannot come back to live with their loved ones. Go through those times knowing that you did the right thing in time to save your marriage, family and career, and most of all to offer him the correct care and attention he now needs.

There is a stage of adjustment - different for each, including all of you. Ride the waves and make sure you do not let your Dad's requests, patterns and past habits of life deplete your heart's good nature.

This situation is like a roller-coaster. Its okay. Many of us have experienced this transition. Just love him and let him know by phone and in-person that he is not alone; that he still has you!

I placed my mom, who was semi-willing to go - she wound up loving it there. They had a patio, and she would sit outdoors for hours, occasionally chatting with other residents. The last thing I expected was that she would like it - it may be the same for your dad. Give it some time and be gentle with yourself, it may all work out for the best.

DEvote yourself to leaning how to separate how you feel from what you do.. This is not idle talk....You are, as someone said, beyond burnout...

When dad gets to the nursing home, make it a point to visit often, perhaps three times a week for half hour visits.

(I went to the nursing home to visit my profoundly handicapped (but yet alert wife) for ten years twice daily and hired ladies to sit with her at the dinner hour as well so she could have social life and even with that light schedule, I was exhausted much of the time...Now she has passed away and though I miss her, she is now FREE of pain and suffering.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

See if you can visit him as much as you're able to and bring family especially the kids so he won't feel abandoned and you won't feel so guilty. Bring his favorite snacks, books, magazines or framed photos of family, or even take him out for a ride or to the movies. Just because he's no longer living with you doesn't mean you can't have quality time with him. You both may appreciate each other more just like that "distance makes the heart grow fonder" saying.