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Mom is adamant about not changing her adult diaper. Tips?

I always told my mom , We need to change you you are beginning to smell . Then I would get wipes , baby powder and new depends and walk her to the bathroom. I had to change her so it worked out perfectly!
Good luck 😊
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Reply to Scarlettrene
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This is a Sign she could need a Caregiver or More....
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Reply to Parise
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You are not dealing with just a person, you are dealing with the effects of a disease on that person. The brain is not working properly. You need medical help. Talk to her doctor about what is going on. See if there is something to calm her down enough. In the mean time, get everything you need to change her in the bath room and insist that she come with you into the bathroom . Don't do it infront of other people, also make it like it is no big deal. I would tell my mom it is just poop. No big deal, everyone poops, so what. You are smelly, lets go get smelling pretty etc. You know her best. keep at it till you find what will appease her. Try to keep her dignity intact,
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Reply to llmusick
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I wonder if she is embarrassed and ashamed and not wanting anyone to see her without her clothes on. Well, I can't blame her on that as I would feel the same way. However, in this case, I would very firmly and strongly tell her, no if's, and's or but's, she is GOING TO CHANGE THEM EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO TIE HER DOWN. That doesn't mean you have to tie her up but you have to be extremely tough and firm that you will NOT tolerate being in YOUR HOME and not changing the depends as needed. It is simply not going to happen. And if she keeps saying no, then tell her she can live outside in the woods. I know that sounds mean but sometimes shock tactics are all that is left to us. I think it is time for placement before she destroys you. I simply do not understand why caretakers allow their patients to control them and act abusive and nasty, etc. Why should we put up with that. Are we insane?
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Reply to Riley2166
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Please watch for wounds/sores. I didn’t understand the horrible smell. God bless.
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Llamalover47 Apr 4, 2019
Gregorypeck: The smell can be "maintained" by the caregiver when they put Vicks Vaporub under their nose. I learned this lesson too late.
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My mom has been incontientent for 3 years. I’ve had her in depends and also a thicker #5 always pad. She allows me to take her to the bathroom every 3 hours to “check her pad”. Once were there, I can change whatever needs changing.
I remind her checking her pad helps us prevent UTI. Also her urologist has her on methemine 1 gram twice a day with vit C to prevent UTI.
Sometimes I remind her “we don’t want to smell”. Whatever works to keep her safe and clean!
Its a daily challenge. Good luck
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Reply to Gailcolton
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"Mom you can have a piece of candy if your diaper can be changed." Sorry, but yes, they are adults that are childlike.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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I put three Depends on my mom early in the morning and then the slacks. We all know how hard it is to change when the pants have to come off to put on a new pad. (Pad rather then diaper for Mom, keeps her dignity)
Then, as the day goes on and she has accidents, all I do is rip out each one and then there are two dry and then one dry left. It works for her. (and me, since the bathroom trips aren't as difficult.) Be best to you and know that you aren't alone!
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Cmthatcher Mar 19, 2019
VERY INTERESTING!!
Did take me a minute to fully understand. Love the idea!! I’d be curious of the fit tho. Thx
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My husband fights washing and won't clean his teeth. Recently suffered from diarrohea and struggling tinlush need away with poo everywhere in bathroom ,down his legs and still pushing me away . My arms were purple from him gripping me. He destoys the depends at times and paper everywhere when I'm asleep.
He ended up in his pita and they have prescribed a psychotic drug but I don't know if it's the right one .
Im at my wit's end after 3 years + from ng it alone because I don't want to put my house as collateral for Medicaid.
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Reply to deperateheart2
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Riley2166 Mar 22, 2019
I would not and could not tolerate this behavior. He sure would not be welcome in MY house - I would see he is placed somewhere at once. Now, you mention putting YOUR house for collateral for Medicaid. If the house is yours and in YOUR name, you NOT have to use it for collateral. If it was his house, then you would have to use up the money and deal with Medicaid laws but if the house is YOUR house, you are safe.
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When my friend, Beth, for whom I am POA and who had frontal temporal dementia, refused to let aides change and clean her when she soiled herself, the memory care nurse told me I should take her to a geri-psych ward at a hospital to find the right anti-psychotic drug that would calm her down without doping her up. After calls to three hospitals, I found one with an opening. I brought Beth and her husband to the waiting room and wondered how we would get them apart since Beth always looked for Jim when she wasn't with him. When it came time to take Beth up to the ward, a whole bunch of staff came in and started talking to Beth and distracting her so Jim and I could slip out of the crowd.
It took 3 1/2 weeks to find the right drug and dosage that would work for Beth. They have to gradually introduce a drug and once they find it ineffective, gradually reduce the dosage before beginning another drug. Once the found the right drug and dosage, Beth was very cooperative with the staff and there were no more problems about cleaning her up.

She was never dopey, but it didn't stop her mind from closing down a bit at a time. She lost her ability to walk, to feed herself and eventually to swallow and passed a week later. But she was clean and well cared for until the end.

I never new there were such things as geri-psych wards or these drugs, so the advice the nurse gave me throughout Beth's demise was very important to me. I am so grateful I found a place that could guide me and that gives great care to their clients.
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Reply to JohnnyJ
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The only thing I can think of is bribery!
Yes find something that they want and just like a little kid... when its done they can have it...
I do that with my Dad... he doesn't want to eat this meal I just made but he loves donuts... OMGOODNESS! I can get him to do anything for a donut. I say just eat a little bit of it you may like it you may not but you cannot have this (showing him the treat) unless you take so many bites. We both win... no arguing, no disappointment and who cares he has lived his life I am not going to deny him! But I do want him to eat something hot, healthy and filling -- even if its only a few bites.
Blessings
hgnhgn
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Reply to hgnhgn
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How frustrating that she's stubborn over such an important issue. Even if she no longer cares to socialize, the infection would be real and true.

Spouse resists changing; he wears the Depends with the extra lining that I put in for him until they stink so bad it's eye-watering. I remind him every other day to change, because otherwise he doesn't notice or care that Depends just aren't engineered to hold that much. They leak. So far he's not absolutely refused, but he does say 'I'll change them when I go to bed' and this allows him some choice in the timing of doing what I say. It's a good idea not to ask if he needs help because it offers an opportunity to say 'no' and then another dispute begins over sovereignty.

Best wishes to you. It's upsetting for you both, but your mom, if she's like Spouse, delights in fighting. At this stage of the game, they really don't care if you wear down from continuous struggling with them.
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Reply to pronker
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I call them "briefs" to save embarrassment. My husband suffers slight to med. incontinence. He is totally accepting of the washable fabric jockey shorts that are made just like the normal ones. They come in multi absorbancies. They are expensive, but less so than the throwaways as they can be washed maybe 100 times or more! The only ones I've replaced wear out finally at the waistband. He has even accepted putting pads in them if on long trips. I too am a CNA ~ I've come to near tears reading these comments. God bless His Care givers, they truly are Saints in my book !
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Reply to LindaLedbetter
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shad250 Mar 19, 2019
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My husband has FTD and I deal with this issue every day too. I have finally gotten to where I don't try until he goes to the bathroom himself and then I slip in and as we talk I remove shoes, slacks, old depends and replace. I usually suggest that this is great time to get this done and thank him for thinking of it. This has taken quite a while to work and even now he will still question why I am doing it and sometimes balk at me doing it or refuse. If he refuses I usually walk out and come back in a few minutes and try again. I also discovered Peapod Pads. Google them. They are waterproof, slip proof pads that can be used in the chair and in the bed. The one for the bed has saved me from changing the sheets many times!!! Have been using them for several months and am really happy with them. They are a little expensive so I only purchased the one for the bed and two that are chair size. They wash really well and after dealing with changing sheets and cleaning up furniture I am loving them. Hope these suggestions help. Dementia is a frustrating disease for all.
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Reply to Carolyn17
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Yes, I deal with the same issue with my grandmother. I believe they get emberased about having to wear them or some times they are concerned about how much they cost so they want to make sure they use them all all all the way lol :) so they do not waste them. I have bought my grandmother some maxi pads, very thin but very absorbant. I give her several choices so that she can choose and take her mind away from not wanting to take off the dirty ones. Some times no matter how many choices or "flowers" I try to give her so she cooperates, she will not so I have to ask my Dad to tell her to change but sometimes she still will not so we might give her some time then try again. The last resort is to call her other son who is very firm wit her and sometimes that will work. God bless you!
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Reply to valeriewalsh
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I also use disposable liners underneath Step Dad, when he is sitting in his recliner. He is also wearing DEPENDS REAL FIT with a SHIELD.
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Reply to Prosper
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I went through this stage with my mom. She is bed bound now. I use 4 disposable liners underneath hair and the fifth one goes between her legs. With 2 big absorbant pads underneath the liners. And a small pillow between her legs. The pillow has a small garbage bag over it. This has prevented many UTI's. Mom also went threw the stage of digging and grabbing fecal matter out of her disposable diaper and throwing it over the bed. She is out of that stage now.

I had to change the type of disposable diaper my Step Dad was wearing. Because the ones he was wearing were the wrong size. Urine was leaking all over. I switched to DEPENDS REAL FIT. I also use SHIELDS FOR MEN to put in the diaper. I think he puts paper towels in there at night.

I have learned to be open and flexible. I did it all in the beginning (cleaning house, getting the situated in my house one at a time). I have learned to take care of myself and get the rest I need. Take care of what they need. I have been through the burn out, depression, anger, etc.

It seems as though the family caregiver goes through stages like the family member that needs to be taken care of. I am all mom and Step Dad have. Their behaviors regress back to being a child. The communication needs to be simply put and sometimes stern. I told my Step Dad if he does not listen to what I say, I would not take care of him. So now he listens and does what I say.
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Reply to Prosper
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Dad’s the SAME way. He wears the Depends “throw away” underwear. He wears them until they literally disintegrate off of him. They leak all over the chair -which I cover with a pad and towel. They stain his sheets and bedspread- which I also use the disposable bed protectors. His PJs smell, and he wears the same smelly jeans daily. If he does change his depends and undershirt, (which is all stained yellowish brown) - he will insist on wearing the same shirt and jeans anyway.
How do I handle it? I learned to LET GO. I’ll deal with the health issues if anything comes up, and the hospital can wash him. He isargumentative and combative. I’ve realized that I’m literally chasing my tail... there is NO way possible to have everything clean at the same time. The chair, the bed, the jeans, the Depends, the pajamas.... I cannot do it all. So I gave up. If the chair is clean because I changed the towel and pad, it will be filthy once he sits and leaks. I’ve washed all his bed linens, only to have him refuse to change clothes...and he soils it all the minute he lays down because he’s wet.
Let it GO for your own sanity. You will Not win this.
i figure if he gets an infection, he will deal with it. What is the absolute worst case scenario? If you can live with that, then it’s ok. Sometimes you have to let the elders make their own choices.
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Reply to Dadsakid
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jacobsonbob Mar 19, 2019
As they say, you have to "pick your battles".
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My mom fights changing too. Even if just the sanitary napkin we add to make small accidents easier to take care of. For her it’s a cost issue. “Those are expensive” and/or she doesn’t feel the wetness. “It’s not wet!!!”
Frequent UTIs at times. I remind her that her mother died from a UTI that became septic, but with dementia that doesn’t stick or help long term.
Have you heard of silent UTIs. As we age you can’t feel the pain of UTIs. Don’t know you have.
Also, this is gross, but I’ve seen mom pick out a “marble” of fecal material then announce that the pad isn’t dirty and demand it not be changed. (It was). So dementia (Poor judgement and reasoning skills!!!!)
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Reply to Cmthatcher
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Not sure if you know that the depends or adult pull ups can easily be removed by tearing down the seam on each side. Going into the bathroom if able , when helping just tear down. Keep reassuring her that it's ok it's not a problem . sometimes I tell them that I also have accidents too anymore. She knows, even with dementia or alzheimers that it's embarassing and doesn't really want you to Have to help her.. Bless you and bless her heart. Try not to be frustrated. Let her know it will be a quick change no problem. It's ok. I don't know if that will help, I personally know the challenge. I still care for people in their homes. After my mom passed I was CNA I wasn't feeling great about working in the facilities any more. It was breaking my heart. In home care for me. One family at a time. They, the elders feel much better being at home. It's sometimes difficult in the facility's. Congratulations to you though. It's not easy . it's time consuming and sometimes very demanding. Best of luck and many blessings to you and yours.
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Reply to Betsy60
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Hi I am so sorry that you and your mum are having to deal with the hygiene and incontinence stage. My mum was same. Refused to wear any kind of pad or pull up versions. Occasionally under duress if I refused to take her out without one she would give in and wear one. She was soiling and wetting herself constantly. Neighbors would comment did I know she smelt. I felt so guilty. Mum is now in care home and still fights the nurses daily when they try to wash and change her pads. Sometimes it's just how the person is, there is nothing you can do.
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Reply to Honey22
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I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this pain, the agony of watching mom no longer understand the severity of hygiene and the torment of enforcing can be extremely difficult to handle. I completely understand. I tackled this too with my mom. She became very agitated with directives. I did also try explaining that she smelled. The deciding factor for me was when she took it off and through it at me and the little uriny gel particles flew across the room on me and every where, so be careful with changing her. I recently transitioned mom into a Nursing home as she now requires more care than I am capable to provide solo.
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Reply to newnormal2
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don't use diapers..use pull up disposable undergarments instead. They are no different than disposable underwear. they have more dignity. Adult diapers are not appropriate for someone who can still walk.
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Reply to cetude
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havevyou told her why she needs to change them ? I would always tell my mom we need to change your underwear because they are smelling bad and we don’t want to smell bad and then I would get a new one the wipes and powder and ask , do you want me to help you ?
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Reply to Scarlettrene
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How about putting ultra thin pads inside all her Depends (maybe try a different brand to throw her off) Be sure to remove some of the adhesive by pressing them against a cloth surface repeatedly. Tell her the new panties are different from the “old” Depends and that they are a new type that allows the user to remove just the soiled pad. Good luck. Might work.
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Reply to GAinPA
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Another thought - as long as she doesn't have fecal incontinence the extra long overnight pads are every bit as absorbent as a pull up, cheaper too, and it might make changing easier.
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Foleydaughter Mar 16, 2019
Have seen. How do they stay on? Like old menstrual belt?
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Does she still go to the toilet at all? If she does I would follow her in and change then if necessary.
Having to take off your pants and shoes or slippers to change can be a real p.i.t.a. - would you believe it is possible to change without having to do that? Most pull ups can easily be removed by tearing open at the sides. Now take the new one and place it inside the waistband of her pants at her ankles, reach inside the pull up and guide the back down the pant leg and over her toes and foot and back up, then do the other leg. When I first read about this on the forum I practised on myself until I got the hang of it - with several changes a day I thought it was nothing short of a miracle!
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Foleydaughter Mar 16, 2019
I have had stroke and can't visualize just from reading. Any videos to see?
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You say she’s adamant...what is her reason for not wanting to change them? Your profile says Mom suffers from UTIs. Not changing her pull-ups when soiled is probably the cause of it. Can you tell her that? I don’t know how much reasoning abilities she has. Would it make a difference to her to stay healthier and not suffer the annoyance or cost of a doctor visit and side effects of antibiotics?
If not you may need to set up a toileting schedule for her where you actually accompany her into the bathroom.
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Reply to rocketjcat
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It's unclear. What's the problem? Is she not changing her own diapers or she doesn't let you change her diapers? Or is your mom not changing someone else's diaper?
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Foleydaughter Mar 16, 2019
She is not letting me change her.
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In looking over your mom’s long list of issues, I didn’t notice dementia. However, I’m going to suggest that you check out Teepa Snow videos on the web. I’ve attached a link where you’ll find some of her top tips. She uses positivity. When an elder refuses to do things, look to see where you are successful with them and do more of that. No one likes to be told what to do.
Listen to Teepas delivery and see if it helps.
My aunt, 92, changes her depends when she needs to, but balks at changing her clothes with her weekend aide. The weekday aide doesnt have a problem. It’s all about timing and communication style with my aunt. Don’t get into a contest of wills.

http://myalzheimersstory.com/2015/04/05/5-top-dementia-care-tips-from-teepa-snow/
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Foleydaughter Mar 16, 2019
Looked at them and bookmarked. Very useful ideas.
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