I live with my fiancé whom I provide care for as he is paralyzed. He has started lying to me and siding with the paid aid. What do I do?

I wonder if the man is having an affair with the care giver and wanted an excuse to end things.
It's true that if you reside someplace and there has not been any violence between you there should be a time for you to come back and get things situated and sorted out and packed up.
This sounds like a divorce situation. Was your name not on the lease? does he own the house? Why is the caregiver doing the talking for the boyfriend?
I don't get it.

walk away hand everything back itemised and get a signed receipt for it and count your blessings xx

The way that you get your belongs is to go to the local police and ask for an escort to get your belongs. If this fails, file a criminal suit in magistrates court - no need to spend money on a lawyer. It's called theft by conversion here in GA. They have converted your property to their use. I have used this more than one time with my kids when they were young and dumb and had crazy room mates.

What would be best in this particular case is if you live there, a wise move is to grab whatever's yours and just leave. Yes, just move on. The right people cannot come into your life if you're feeling that space with all of the wrong ones who are blocking blessings from coming into your life. Just remember the good from the relationship and any lessons you may have learned from everything. You don't have to dwell on the bad, but look forward to the good and look forward to the future. When you leave, just do it in a peaceful manner. You can slip quietly out without him knowing if all you have to take with you is small stuff such as clothes and other stuff you can carry. If you don't live there and have left some belongings, just take them with you when you leave and don't look back. There are clever ways to slip out if you really think about it. You don't have to put up with abuse from anyone, there are far better people in the world who would be glad to have you in their lives. They will come at the right time as God sends them. It's been said that some things are only meant to last for a season. Sometimes we tend to make those things last forever when they may not be meant to last forever. Some people are blessings, whereas others are lessons. Learn to discover the difference. Lastly, until God has made a man out of him, don't try to make a husband out of him or you'll be in for disaster. Don't settle for less than you deserve in a man. Set your standards very high and don't budge, even if it means you must die waiting for Mr. right. You deserve far better, don't except less, for in doing so, you only reflect how you truly feel about yourself. The kind of company you keep is a reflection of what kind of person you really are and how you feel about yourself. Be careful what kind of company you keep when you set foot into a new tomorrow. A new tomorrow means new beginnings, so don't cry over what you lost because there's more than you lost awaiting you. If you find it too hard to move on, God sees that and he will make it possible, but God made it possible by making changes in my for you to do what you could never otherwise do on your own. I had to move on and leave behind people that I dearly love. I could never do it on my own, But God made it possible by making changes in my heart and enabling me to just move on and leave them behind. Don't settle for a toxic relationship, because it will only rob you of blessings as long as you continue staying in that toxic relationship that's really poisoning you inside, though you may not see it or even know it. I can tell you from experience that you may not even know that something is living off of your life force, you may not know it, and you may not even feel it because sometimes it's just undetectable by you. At the right time others may see it and tell you or drop little clues to this, don't ignore them. You may actually be burying the fact that someone or something is living off of your life force. It may be that it's been going on for so long that you no longer feel it, or you may not even know how to identify it, which will also mean you won't even be able to spot it until it's completely gone. If you find yourself feeling better right away, you'll start realizing when you step back to see the big picture, and there may be details coming to you at different times. Hindsight is a very good teacher. Sometimes you don't realize things until they are behind you and everything starts making sense and coming together. This is a time when you have learned any necessary lessons from your situation, even if you don't know if you were supposed to be learning anything from it but you did anyway. You'll know when you've truly learned your lesson, because you'll go through the process that I went through after leaving a toxic relationship.

A final thing I think I should point out is that you mentioned that the person you're taking care of happens to be paid help. Have you ever thought that maybe this fiancé secretly likes this other woman? It seems to me like he may have gotten tired of you and wants to move on, and this may actually be a little clue he's giving you through what you're describing. Sometimes when someone is done with you, you'll know when you start seeing signs of them moving on and showing unusual attention to draw and someone new. For instance, your man may secretly have a crush on the new woman coming in and taking care of him. It may also be that maybe he likes something about her level of care to him better than he likes it with you. Perhaps you can try to pinpoint this after you've moved on and this is behind you. Things will all make sense later, just let things unfold in time as you're ready.

I go back to 'fiance' for 11 years. There is no real commitment.

I agree, JoAnn29.

He made his choice when he believed a caregiver over the woman he has been with for 11years. If his problem is just physical than he is able tp pick up a phone and do things forr himself. I think there is more here than we will ever know.

And she Never even came back to thank all of the people who gave a few moments of their precious time to let us know how she is doing. That's just great!

Christine, good point. However unfortunately, the fiancee has no legal standing as concerns her fiancee's care. She does have legal rights to get her belongings, we are hoping for her.
If her fiancee were to go to the hospital, she is again on the outside. Hoping there is his family to intervene on their behalf.

I have heard it said on here not to do anything unless served legal papers.
If your fiancee is just paralyzed but not incompetent, he can talk to you himself, in private.
This situation is ripe for scam artists to come in and take over. If that has happened, all your efforts will be discredited by them. That is why having an attorney help you may be best. Are you even sure you and he broke up?
If this happened to my loved one, even if we were no longer together, I would feel some obligation to be sure those were free, uncoerced choices he made because he is a vulnerable adult. Does he have family? Can you try going to the district attorney to make sure he is okay?

How did this thread devolve into commentary about why the pair are not married? That's their business! If you can't answer the question asked, then don't reply AT ALL!!!!

Come back, Lostwill! If you cannot stand tall here, even with some criticism, how are you going to stand up to the caregiver, the boyfriend? Were you unaware that some people may judge you for your life choices? Even then, common sense judgment with understanding, and others on here who can advise you without having a preconceived idea of your marital status.
Come back, get support, ideas, because, you matter!

11 years as fiancé, there never will be a marriage. I jus thope she stays gone from there.

Googled 'paralyzed man + fiance' and all I came up with was Oscar Pistorius who murdered his fiance, went to jail, and is already released.

Lostwilltocare has most likely returned to her fiance by now, a common mistake after waiting 11 years to be 'married'. Fiance is a common title used to hide the shame of shacking up. If someone is shacking up, they are not a victim, but there by choice. Therefore, there should not be shame?

Hoping lostwill still cares enough about herself, and is willing to start a new life with someone who can actually walk her down the aisle.

That was just plain snarky and mean, wasn't it? This is one occasion where nice is just not nice, and shock therapy is needed. Would be happy for her just to escape with her life, leaving the belongings behind. Start over. How old are you, and where is your mother?

One thing to remember is that you were in a rightful and legal resident if you were living with your fiancé. By law you should have a certain amount of time to get the rest of your things, and this may require taking a police officer with you. As long as it wasn't abandoned by him being at beyond the legal time limit, then you are definitely entitled to your belongings. If you still have a key, just go in and get your things even if you must enter through some other way as long as you are well within the legal time limit to get your things while moving out. Another thing to consider is that you may very well be in for a little fight that may land in court, and that means you may also need to hire a lawyer. If possible, can you provide the court with pictures of the items you're trying to retrieve? This may very well strengthen your case and get the judge to rule in your favor. Depending on the value of your things, you may also consider small claims court. The faster you act in this case the better. If a defendant doesn't comply with a court order they are in contempt and consequences can be severe. Hopefully this can be handled with just the Police Department having a warrant if necessary. What you want to do is to contact the organization in your region do you explore tenants rights and explain to them what's going on. They can guide you through what you need to do to regain your property. Another place you can contact is your local Bar Association.

Another thing to consider is that if you happen to be paying for this visiting aid, what you need to do is to immediately stop payment and alert the agency where that aid is coming from. You'll definitely want to speak with the supervisor of that particular agency who provides the care for this person. This would definitely be a smart move even if you're not paying for the aid. Perhaps alerting the aid's supervisor will get the ball rolling. Supervisors have authority over their workers so maybe you can start there. Just tell them your things are still in that person's house and that you need to retrieve them. That aid goes into that house, So you know that aid sees those specific items when they enter that house and start working with that patient that they are assigned to. If you can provide The supervisor with pictures of your specific things you're trying to recover, that would definitely spark attention, especially if you politely mention involving a police officer and a lawyer.

Ladee1, thanks for having the courage to say what I feel and suspect is the situation here.

Four days later and the OP hasn't returned.

It appears that she is controlling him. I had the same problem with my niece. I fired her and I asked for a new home aide. There are some laws that are being broken. Check with your Area of Ageing, or check with the provider who is her employer.

I also agree with you getting an attorney. 1.At the very least you have property there and if you still have your key to the house they cannot lock you out (legally). 2.11 years is a lot of time vested and it will be difficult to take an objective step back and asses this situation but you have to and an attorney is obligated to ( local agencies may help) 3.You have rights too and you need an objective third party to see if your relationship is considered common law or palimony. Good Luck

Is he, in any way, able to have a relationship with the aide-not intimate, of course?

Lostwilltocare I'm sorry You have this awful situation to deal with. Life is hard enough.
If I were in these circumstances I would have to confront Him and tell Your Fiancé how it is, then distance Yourself a little. If it continues, well it has got to be a straight red card..and walk away.
Lies and cheating are two things We definitely do not tolerate.

Here we go again... answering a post, with little information, and no comments from the OP...... if this is legitimate, good, if not... please come back and say you were just bored and needed entertaining..... It's really a simple request.. we are busy, tired, exhausted, unhealthy, and yes, bored.... but we care for each other here and you got many great suggestions.... from people who CARE..... the least you can do is come back and let us know we were fooled again.... you'd think we would be used to it by now... but no, it just p*sses me off.

The first thing I would do is see if the aide was abusing and controlling him.

To Lostwilltocare - you need to dump this man and quick.

Depending on the state you are in, you may be considered a common-law spouse. If so, you have certain rights.

Why don't you talk to your local police dept. and ask their advice and support? BTW - this sounds a lot like my ex who had serious alcohol and drug abuse issues that made him impossible to deal with. I LEFT. Never regretted it for a moment - only that it took me so long to do so!

My condolences on getting unceremoniously dumped for another after investing 11 years in a relationship. I would note that you were a fiancee not a health care provider, and turning over documents and keeping copies is not a HIPAA issue. These things happen and you should be able to get your stuff - they might be able to see that letting you in to get it will avoid a prolonged legal issue, but having police supervise it would be important to protect against claims of theft...do you think there are issues with illegal substances involved? Maybe you could negotiate for the most important items to be boxed or bagged up and picked up by you instead?

First of all if you are only concerned about your belongings, you go to magistrates court (if you live in Georgia other states may be different) get a court order and a police escort to get your things. I think in Georgia some years ago, a room mate attempted to keep my daughter's things and we got the court order by filing "thief by conversion" charges against the room mate. That is what the judge told us to do. It just took an afternoon. The judge gave the order from his chambers. Good for you for leaving.

This may have been said already, depending on the state, call your local police department. If you only want to get your belongings and depending on how many items their are, the police will stand by the "keep the peace" while you gather your belongings. If you have a whole house to move you can contact the county or city police / sheriff civil department. Once again this depends on your state. Also, you only can get your belongings and it is best not to schedule this with your ex. The element of surprise and a few minutes before is best to make sure he is there to let you in. Also, to note... If you have a restraining order against you, the police will most likely still let you get your times as long as hey are present. I'm not saying you have one but I know these incidents are emotion filled and very hard to deal with. Think beforehand what is most important to you in that house and retrieve only hat and approach it as a business deal. That mindset will make it easier while going through this. Best of luck. It will be ok. You have blessed this man with years of love and care. It may be a new chapter for you.

I can understand that it is hard to let go..however the pain that will be caued dragging it out could only do more damage. Get empowered, fund out your rights and excersize them matter of factly. Put positive energy into rebuilding your own life, you get to live for yourself now!

After 11 years you don't have a key to his house? Have you mingled your funds? Bought things together? That alone tells you something about your relationship. If that was your primary residence, he cannot just lock you out at will. Check with the police on your rights or even a lawyer or legal aid might be better to ask. I hate to say it but sounds as if your fiance may be the victim of some sort of coercion or brainwashing by these two women. Do you not know this other woman? After 11 years I cannot believe you wouldn't know everyone in his life. If she has just come into the picture this sounds very suspicious and I would maybe request the police also do a wellness check on your fiance as well. This aid may be running some sort of scam and your fiance doesn't have the strength to fight it..

I agree about the lawyer. You also need a police escort when you go to pick up your belongings. All paperwork should go from the lawyer to the ex. No go betweens. I would no longer consider him a fiance. 11 years is a long time for an engagement. You have been a good person just sorry u spent 11yrs of ur life with him. Time to move on and good luck.