Follow
Share

I'm sure most of you will probably say yes to that question, but I need to hear some feedback.

I care for my adult son who is developmentally disabled and needs round the clock care and supervision. I can handle that. I would do anything for my son. Ten months ago my mom had to move in after she fell and pinched a nerve in her back. She has Parkinson's disease. She is almost 82 years old and is now bedridden since the fall. That's why she is here now. And her pets moved in too. Now I care for my mother and son and our combined pets...six cats and two dogs. I feel insane most days.

My mom is not endearing. She was not a good mom to us...very self centered and narcissistic...and I have found that my sense of humor and caring nature has turned into anger and resentment. I try so hard every day to adjust my attitude towards her. I don't yell, I just feel grumpy all of the time. I never get to finish being asleep because she wakes me up to go to the bathroom. She has a bedside commode I have to transfer her onto...seven to ten times a day. She is 165 pounds, so my body gets tired too. Anyway, blah blah blah. It's a lot of work.

She recently got approved for Medicaid and we will be getting 168 hours a month of in home care. Right now I am doing it alone. So the help will be welcome.

When I get tired and over stressed my anxiety starts to surface. I have panic attacks, etc.. So that hasn't helped. And I am bit depressed as well. Yes, I talk to a therapist. That helps. As I write this I feel like I must sound like a mess! I feel like a mess!

I just feel so tired all of the time. I know it's probably normal to feel that way given the situation, but I don't like it. I guess I am just looking to hear that others have felt this way too.

Thanks for your help.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
It is normal to feel that way in your circumstances.

And feeling grumpy all the time is VERY tiring, especially if you are not basically a grumpy person.

That amount of in-home care is great! It might make a huge difference in your workload. Wait and see. If you aren't back to finding joy in life after a few months, I would seriously consider finding a suitable care center that accepts Medicaid. Caring for a special needs child comes first, and can be a full-time job in itself.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hey ChrisinOregon! I'm Rainmom - in Oregon! I also have a disabled adult son at home who needs constant supervision and care - he functions at roughly a two y/o level. I'm lucky to have a good man in my husband, for I no doubt would have lost my mind a long time ago if it weren't for him. Just one cat, two dogs but we are expecting a new puppy in a month (what was I thinking, right?). Anyhow - I've been looking after my mother for almost six years, the first 18 months included my dad, whom I adored but he passed four years ago. I have and have always had a difficult, complicated relationship with my mother. Mom is in a nursing home now but back in October when it came time to move her there she was doing all she could to get me to let her move in with me. It was never going to happen. Just a couple days ago I was thinking about how tired I am - just bone weary, worn out, tired! I fantasize about checking into a hotel for a couple of nights, pulling the heavy, dark drapes and just sleeping. Then, if I get hungry - I order room service - then I go back to sleep. Sounds like heaven, huh? But I don't think that's ever gonna happen either. Still, a girl can dream! Does your mom have to live with you? Please consider placing her in a facility. That might sound rough but no one knows how it is for you and your son better than me - and your baby boy has to have the best mom you can be!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Panic attacks here, too. Been having those for 7 years and finally last month asked my primary doctor for something to calm me down. How I hate taking such pills but I had crashed and burned physically and emotionally. I don't know how grown children can take care of a parent in their home.... I was a mess just living down the street from mine, who were in their 90's and refused caregivers or cleaning crews.

Even while on this forum, I would find myself dozing off, fighting to keep my eyes opened. I was drained from the lack of sleep worrying about my parents in a house they refused to leave, and all those stairs, and both being a fall risk. Even dozed off during the 5pm news. Recently I dozed off watch a Trump Rally [I watch both candidates], now that is being really tired :P

What is tough is some of us are senior citizens ourselves. I just turned 70 and I look back to how I was prior to my parents stop driving, etc. and I cannot believe I am the same person. I am a mess,too... my house and vehicle are a mess... and let's not talk about my yard.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You say your mother was not a good mom to "us." So where are your sibling(s) in all of this?

You take care of your son. Let a sibling take care of your mother.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Wanting to sleep all the time could be from a number of causes, including depression and lack of sleep. Has your therapist mentioned that? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Do you feel like you do? I might discuss it with your medical doctor. Feeling sleepy all the time is not good. Maybe, you need a physical exam. It would trouble me if I was always tired and wanted to sleep and I would have to make some changes.

It's great you have in-home care coming in to help. Maybe, that will make a difference. Still, based on your situation, I think I would consider if the demands on you are reasonable. Maybe, your body is telling you it's too much.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Sunnygirl1 is right about having a medical exam. I used to have what I called "sleep attacks." I remember once getting all ready to go to a funeral, including having someone to stay with my husband, and I sat in a chair and said, "I can't go. I can't stay awake. It would not be safe to drive." And I went to bed. That incident finally convinced me that in addition to the stress of caregiving something might be wrong. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, started wearing the night mask, and the sleep attacks stopped entirely.

The combination of getting in-home help and possibly treating medical sleep issues (if any) may make a huge difference. Hang in there! But be open to changing the situation if those factors are not enough.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

That's a good point. You might need a sleep study. I had one and am now on c-pap treatment. Still, mine was enough to make me sleepy all day. My symptoms were that during the night, I awoke feeling very panicky, like I was dying. As it turns out, my oxygen levels were going too low from shallow breathing as I slept. The c-pap really helps with that and I feel much better. I'd check it out to find the true cause.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Correction to above. Should say that my sleep problem did NOT make me sleepy throughout the day, but I had other symptoms.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

yES
As rainmom said I'm tired to my bones - 8 1/2 years of in home care for my now 93 year old mom and now 7 mos at a memory care center - it is still exhausting and now added worry of running out of money while trying to keep her safe .
We have many miles to go before we sleep
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

When I am depressed I just want left alone,, and to stay in bed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I,too, want to sleep, unless one of my new grandbabies are visiting. I think its the physical and psychological toll of caregiving and the loss of joy/pleasure in daily life. I have thought about going to a hotel down the street for a day or two, but id feel too guilty or worried to actually enjoy it. Its a terrible feeling, but I feel like my life is on hold waiting on mom to die. That in itself makes me want to sleep to forget! I feel like a terrible daughter!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Monkeydoo - that doesn't make you a terrible daughter. The fact that you have put your life on hold for your mother proves that.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

ChrisInO, this is the bit that makes me frown and scratch my head, the bit between the {curly brackets} ...

"Ten months ago my mom { had to move in after she fell and pinched a nerve in her back. She has Parkinson's disease. She is almost 82 years old and is now bedridden since the fall. That's why she is here now. }And her pets moved in too..."

I am very sorry to learn that an 82 year old lady had a nasty fall, pinched a nerve in her back and is afflicted with Parkinson's Disease so that she is now effectively bedridden. Those things are serious misfortunes.

None of them, to me, explains why she landed on your plate. What made you feel that her having a problem means that you - your home, your work, your care - have to solve it?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I'm not sleepy, just weary. All my life I've worked 4 days a week and now I'm working 5, occas. 6. I need to buy diapers, p/u medication and occasionally buy clothes for my mom in the memory care center. I help my husband with his business by picking up supplies and I do all the grocery shopping and part of the house work. I would just like to stop for one day. I dream of sitting on a beach watching the waves and having a brain vege, no one needing anything from me.
I certainly don't have your responsibilities, and God bless you for your care of your son. But adding another person (mom) to your workload is too taxing. Your son has first priority, your husband next. In this situation, there is no time for you!

I'm sure there are good facilities in your area for your mom. You are going to wear yourself out (really, it's called caregiver burnout) and then won't be able to care for either of them. Please do yourself, your son and your husband a favor and have your mom go to an appropriate facility. You are experiencing symptoms of depression (wanting to sleep all the time is a form of escape.) My ex-husband suffered with that, often sleeping 20 hours a day. You owe your immediate family the best wife and mom that you can be.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think if she qualidied for Medicaid, then she would probably be eligible for a Nursing home. I would recommend researching the ones near your home that accept Medicaid and do a couple of tours, perhaps get her on a waiting list or 2. Something has got to give, or you will soon find yourself sick or injured caring for so many, but not enough for yourself!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Sleep is your brain's way of healing, of resetting itself, to start a new day. If you are not sleeping, your brain is not getting the rest it needs to run your body. You will suffer. Your health will suffer. If your health declines, what is your son going to do?

Does your mother still have her own home? If so, I urge you to move her and her pets back into it and have the 168 hours of Medicaid help go there. If that's not an option, set boundaries with your mother starting now.

And remember that if she doesn't like living under your roof, you can help her find new accommodations.

Just curious, was her moving in with you supposed to be temporary?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My boss just reminded me of something I totally forgot about.... have your Vit B12 levels checked. My boss was getting very sleepy during the day so now his doctor is giving him B12 shots. I remember having those shots years ago and they do work, only if your B12 levels are low. Now I take B12 in pill form. I need to get back to doing that and upping my doses.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thank you all for your responses. I'll answer your questions...

I see my doctor regularly. There is nothing physiologically wrong with me. All of my ailments are stress related. I need more sleep and less stress. I'm sure being awakened every time i am sleeping is not a good thing.

I have three sisters. One is a thousand miles away. She does not want my mom there and my mother won't go there. If I was going to force my mother to do something I would just put her in a nursing home. Another sister is seven hundred miles away and has physical disabilities. The third sister is a hundred miles away and drinks heavily during her off work hours...no exceptions...every single day. If one of my sisters could/would take her I would have her there in a heartbeat.

Freqflyer, I feel for you. I know how awful panic attacks are. And all the responsibilities associated with caring for people. I can't keep up with the housework and the laundry. And the car? That doesn't even make my priority list. I'm 56 and feel like I've aged ten years in the past ten months.

Rainmom, we have very similar situations. And my dad passed away two and a half years ago...we were very close. I've lived next door to my parents for more than twenty years. I saw him every day. My dad always had my back and was a buffer from my mother. We shared the same sense of humor and always found something to laugh about. I'm still grieving. I don't laugh with my mother. Where abouts in Oregon are you? We are on the coast.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Churchmouse, my mom lived next door to me. Siblings live far away and no one stepped up to help. I have always been the one that took care of my parents...through the surgeries and the cancers. I've had to deal with their financial mess as well. Someone had to help them and me being right here...I guess my sisters just expected it.

Medicare did not cover any type of care and my mother couldn't take care of herself after the fall. And does not have the money for any help. Medicaid finally came through within the past couple of weeks. Every time I try to talk to my mother about a nursing home she gets upset and starts crying. For years she drummed into me, "Don't ever put me in a nursing home!" Honestly, I never expected her to outlive my dad! And then to become immobile! The guilt of the nursing home thing...i can't get past it. I want to see how it goes now with a caregiver coming in for five hours a day...maybe I can get some sleep and handle all of this better.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Rainmom and monkeydo, the hotel thing sounds wonderful. Sleeping. No one needing me. Room service. I've thought of doing that as well.

NYdaugthterinlaw, she does still have her home, though it is up for sale, but there are still around 550 hours a month that i need to take care of her above and beyond the 168 Medicaid will cover. She can't do anything for herself besides feeding herself, pushing the buttons on her remote, playing slot machine games on her tablet, painting her fingernails, looking through mail order catelogs...you get the idea. She doesn't participate in life...won't come out into the living room in her wheelchair...not that she can move herself in the chair...her arms are too weak. She wants to stay in her room and have everything come to her. But she has always been this way. The only difference is that before her fall she was at her house not participating in life. When my dad was alive he did everything. My mom was only interested in doing the things that made her happy. Going out for dinner, watching television, and ordering endless crap from the shopping channels!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

NY, When she moved in with me i thought it was temporary. Thought she would get mobile again. Granted, she shuffled around before the fall and her movement was slow and limited, but at least she moved!

AND, I just said to her yesterday that she does have options! When the case manager from senior services was visiting a couple of weeks ago to assess my mom's needs, my mother had the nerve to say that I got snippy with her sometimes! The case manager looked at her and said, "people get snippy. Your daughter has a lot of responsibility to deal with." That really upset me because I have been killing myself to accommodate her. My mother doesn't see that. Well, she sees how exhausted I am, but ignores it. Her go to phrase is, "what about me." Very frustrating.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

To clarify...it upset me that my mom could only think of telling the case manager that i got snippy sometimes and not think to mention about everything else i did for her. I was happy that the case manager responded as she did to my mom.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

The in home help might be able to get you on track with sleep. Since you have 168/month does it mean that you get screwed if it's a 5 week month? I would try to determine what times are going to be the most helpful for making your life easier. I know a lot of people don't like to "waste" the hours on midnights because it's not as much work but there's benefit to know that you can sleep. Maybe you can do 2-3 overnights and the rest during the day. Be aware that the aide often has limits to what they can do as far as cooking/cleaning/bathing and lifting. I'm not technically an agency employee as far as their protocol but I know that they can't lift 165 lbs without a hoyer and that's a 2 person job which negates the help. Each place is different and you should have a choice between a few agencies. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Is it that your mom can't do much for herself or won't bc if it's can't, I would appeal the hours given. The lady I care for is near comatose and the original person gave her 12 hours a day! It was appealed and changed to 24 without hassle.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sorry for so many posts, but is adult day care an option for her? I know Medicaid covers it but I think there are some parameters of self function required. Maybe it would cheer her up, too. Elderly people are easily depressed when they lose independence and don't have anything to do.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am tired too---all the time. Somedays (since I am not currently working) I will take a nap and that just becomes bedtime! Not often, maybe once every couple of weeks, but I feel that if I am capable of sleeping for 18 hours, I must need it.
This is something that my psych dr has tried to address for 20 years. I do not sleep "well"...I have horrible nightmares, every night. PTSD from many years of abuse that was not dealt with in an appropriate way until I was 40+. I do NOT wake up happy and refreshed, I wake up ready to go back to bed. Stress just takes me down even further, When I was more involved in mother's care, I was worse, if I am having issues with a family member, I get even worse. I know it's depression and the fact my brain never gets the rest it needs. Only when I am completely physically exhausted can I truly sleep and sleep well. And weirdly enough, I sleep GREAT in hotels. Never at home. My psych doc recently prescribed Pravosin ( a blood pressure med) for the nightmares. It's just ok, not great, and the s/a are that it's also a diuretic, so, so much for the good night sleep--up every 2 hrs to go to the bathroom. Sorry--kind of off the topic, but I know that the key to a good day is a good night's sleep. Having all you have in your life, I would crash and burn too. Good luck finding some help and maybe some balance.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

According to Medicaid they no longer do the 24 hour, home caregiving thing in our state. They only go up to 200 hours a month. If my mother couldn't feed herself or was incontinent, for example, she would get more caregiving hours. My mom can stand up and walk a little with her walker, but she has to be helped to a standing position and held with the gait belt or followed with her wheelchair. She has very poor balance and coordination. And her right knee buckles because of the pinched nerve. She was gaining some upper body strength but then stopped doing her exercises. She has never been motivated to be self sufficient...she has always preferred to have people do for her...even before she had any mobility issues. She has always been sedentary. My dad just gave up finally and started doing everything that needed to be done. Now he's gone.

We do not have adult daycare out here. We live in a rural, coastal community. Our town has 2000 people. The bigger "cities" are 75-100 miles away. It's a trade off...we have beautiful scenery, perfect weather, quiet, no crime, slower pace of life...but limited resources. I won't move to a bigger city for more resources. I considered it for about ten minutes and decided against it. We'll make due with what is available.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Hannah, I care for my son and he is mostly nocturnal. There is no getting around that. He has a different sleep clock in him. I am up with him until 4-5am, then he sleeps until around 1pm...it varies though. I want my mom's caregiver to come in the morning. That way i might be able to get in six hours of sleep and can handle the 18 hours that follow.

Someone said they are weary. I feel that way a lot. When I have to take her to doctor or dental appointments and have to do the dead lift from the wheelchair to the car, and/or the wheelchair to the dental chair my body gets very tired. And if she wakes me up after three hours of sleep everything else gets tired and it snowballs. Toss in a few panic attacks, my son having a meltdown, and a sick pet that needs to go to the vet, and i am dangling off the ledge by my fingertips!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hey Chris - I'm right outside of Portland. Yes, we have a lot in common. I adored my father - he was my best friend and the only person who has never let me down. I don't feel I ever got the chance to mourn him as from the moment I told my mom daddy had passed, I became responsible for her - and she's a handful. See how things go with the new assistance with your mother - but I urge you to do some soul searching about your promise to never place her in a nursing home. I see that a lot here - that promise. But when you made it you had no idea of what it would become. Such promises are unreasonable, in my opinion. Money, health, further deterioration of your moms physical and mental wellness - no one can possibly know what the future holds when these promises are made. What price are you willing to pay - to keep this promise?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

The stress of worry I think also wears us down. My mom is a happy darling. Being on night duty and getting up every three hours to change her makes me need to nap during the day. I also gave a full time job so that is a problem.i am getting in some night help so I'm hoping that will make a difference. My siblings are MIA. I was able to find a one wonderful gal to help during the day and anther part time for t he weekends. I get so tired I almost fall asleep in the bathroom or sometimes just sit and stare.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter