I'm sure most of you will probably say yes to that question, but I need to hear some feedback.
I care for my adult son who is developmentally disabled and needs round the clock care and supervision. I can handle that. I would do anything for my son. Ten months ago my mom had to move in after she fell and pinched a nerve in her back. She has Parkinson's disease. She is almost 82 years old and is now bedridden since the fall. That's why she is here now. And her pets moved in too. Now I care for my mother and son and our combined pets...six cats and two dogs. I feel insane most days.
My mom is not endearing. She was not a good mom to us...very self centered and narcissistic...and I have found that my sense of humor and caring nature has turned into anger and resentment. I try so hard every day to adjust my attitude towards her. I don't yell, I just feel grumpy all of the time. I never get to finish being asleep because she wakes me up to go to the bathroom. She has a bedside commode I have to transfer her onto...seven to ten times a day. She is 165 pounds, so my body gets tired too. Anyway, blah blah blah. It's a lot of work.
She recently got approved for Medicaid and we will be getting 168 hours a month of in home care. Right now I am doing it alone. So the help will be welcome.
When I get tired and over stressed my anxiety starts to surface. I have panic attacks, etc.. So that hasn't helped. And I am bit depressed as well. Yes, I talk to a therapist. That helps. As I write this I feel like I must sound like a mess! I feel like a mess!
I just feel so tired all of the time. I know it's probably normal to feel that way given the situation, but I don't like it. I guess I am just looking to hear that others have felt this way too.
Thanks for your help.
And feeling grumpy all the time is VERY tiring, especially if you are not basically a grumpy person.
That amount of in-home care is great! It might make a huge difference in your workload. Wait and see. If you aren't back to finding joy in life after a few months, I would seriously consider finding a suitable care center that accepts Medicaid. Caring for a special needs child comes first, and can be a full-time job in itself.
Even while on this forum, I would find myself dozing off, fighting to keep my eyes opened. I was drained from the lack of sleep worrying about my parents in a house they refused to leave, and all those stairs, and both being a fall risk. Even dozed off during the 5pm news. Recently I dozed off watch a Trump Rally [I watch both candidates], now that is being really tired :P
What is tough is some of us are senior citizens ourselves. I just turned 70 and I look back to how I was prior to my parents stop driving, etc. and I cannot believe I am the same person. I am a mess,too... my house and vehicle are a mess... and let's not talk about my yard.
You take care of your son. Let a sibling take care of your mother.
It's great you have in-home care coming in to help. Maybe, that will make a difference. Still, based on your situation, I think I would consider if the demands on you are reasonable. Maybe, your body is telling you it's too much.
The combination of getting in-home help and possibly treating medical sleep issues (if any) may make a huge difference. Hang in there! But be open to changing the situation if those factors are not enough.
As rainmom said I'm tired to my bones - 8 1/2 years of in home care for my now 93 year old mom and now 7 mos at a memory care center - it is still exhausting and now added worry of running out of money while trying to keep her safe .
We have many miles to go before we sleep
"Ten months ago my mom { had to move in after she fell and pinched a nerve in her back. She has Parkinson's disease. She is almost 82 years old and is now bedridden since the fall. That's why she is here now. }And her pets moved in too..."
I am very sorry to learn that an 82 year old lady had a nasty fall, pinched a nerve in her back and is afflicted with Parkinson's Disease so that she is now effectively bedridden. Those things are serious misfortunes.
None of them, to me, explains why she landed on your plate. What made you feel that her having a problem means that you - your home, your work, your care - have to solve it?
I certainly don't have your responsibilities, and God bless you for your care of your son. But adding another person (mom) to your workload is too taxing. Your son has first priority, your husband next. In this situation, there is no time for you!
I'm sure there are good facilities in your area for your mom. You are going to wear yourself out (really, it's called caregiver burnout) and then won't be able to care for either of them. Please do yourself, your son and your husband a favor and have your mom go to an appropriate facility. You are experiencing symptoms of depression (wanting to sleep all the time is a form of escape.) My ex-husband suffered with that, often sleeping 20 hours a day. You owe your immediate family the best wife and mom that you can be.
Does your mother still have her own home? If so, I urge you to move her and her pets back into it and have the 168 hours of Medicaid help go there. If that's not an option, set boundaries with your mother starting now.
And remember that if she doesn't like living under your roof, you can help her find new accommodations.
Just curious, was her moving in with you supposed to be temporary?
I see my doctor regularly. There is nothing physiologically wrong with me. All of my ailments are stress related. I need more sleep and less stress. I'm sure being awakened every time i am sleeping is not a good thing.
I have three sisters. One is a thousand miles away. She does not want my mom there and my mother won't go there. If I was going to force my mother to do something I would just put her in a nursing home. Another sister is seven hundred miles away and has physical disabilities. The third sister is a hundred miles away and drinks heavily during her off work hours...no exceptions...every single day. If one of my sisters could/would take her I would have her there in a heartbeat.
Freqflyer, I feel for you. I know how awful panic attacks are. And all the responsibilities associated with caring for people. I can't keep up with the housework and the laundry. And the car? That doesn't even make my priority list. I'm 56 and feel like I've aged ten years in the past ten months.
Rainmom, we have very similar situations. And my dad passed away two and a half years ago...we were very close. I've lived next door to my parents for more than twenty years. I saw him every day. My dad always had my back and was a buffer from my mother. We shared the same sense of humor and always found something to laugh about. I'm still grieving. I don't laugh with my mother. Where abouts in Oregon are you? We are on the coast.
Medicare did not cover any type of care and my mother couldn't take care of herself after the fall. And does not have the money for any help. Medicaid finally came through within the past couple of weeks. Every time I try to talk to my mother about a nursing home she gets upset and starts crying. For years she drummed into me, "Don't ever put me in a nursing home!" Honestly, I never expected her to outlive my dad! And then to become immobile! The guilt of the nursing home thing...i can't get past it. I want to see how it goes now with a caregiver coming in for five hours a day...maybe I can get some sleep and handle all of this better.
NYdaugthterinlaw, she does still have her home, though it is up for sale, but there are still around 550 hours a month that i need to take care of her above and beyond the 168 Medicaid will cover. She can't do anything for herself besides feeding herself, pushing the buttons on her remote, playing slot machine games on her tablet, painting her fingernails, looking through mail order catelogs...you get the idea. She doesn't participate in life...won't come out into the living room in her wheelchair...not that she can move herself in the chair...her arms are too weak. She wants to stay in her room and have everything come to her. But she has always been this way. The only difference is that before her fall she was at her house not participating in life. When my dad was alive he did everything. My mom was only interested in doing the things that made her happy. Going out for dinner, watching television, and ordering endless crap from the shopping channels!
AND, I just said to her yesterday that she does have options! When the case manager from senior services was visiting a couple of weeks ago to assess my mom's needs, my mother had the nerve to say that I got snippy with her sometimes! The case manager looked at her and said, "people get snippy. Your daughter has a lot of responsibility to deal with." That really upset me because I have been killing myself to accommodate her. My mother doesn't see that. Well, she sees how exhausted I am, but ignores it. Her go to phrase is, "what about me." Very frustrating.
This is something that my psych dr has tried to address for 20 years. I do not sleep "well"...I have horrible nightmares, every night. PTSD from many years of abuse that was not dealt with in an appropriate way until I was 40+. I do NOT wake up happy and refreshed, I wake up ready to go back to bed. Stress just takes me down even further, When I was more involved in mother's care, I was worse, if I am having issues with a family member, I get even worse. I know it's depression and the fact my brain never gets the rest it needs. Only when I am completely physically exhausted can I truly sleep and sleep well. And weirdly enough, I sleep GREAT in hotels. Never at home. My psych doc recently prescribed Pravosin ( a blood pressure med) for the nightmares. It's just ok, not great, and the s/a are that it's also a diuretic, so, so much for the good night sleep--up every 2 hrs to go to the bathroom. Sorry--kind of off the topic, but I know that the key to a good day is a good night's sleep. Having all you have in your life, I would crash and burn too. Good luck finding some help and maybe some balance.
We do not have adult daycare out here. We live in a rural, coastal community. Our town has 2000 people. The bigger "cities" are 75-100 miles away. It's a trade off...we have beautiful scenery, perfect weather, quiet, no crime, slower pace of life...but limited resources. I won't move to a bigger city for more resources. I considered it for about ten minutes and decided against it. We'll make due with what is available.
Someone said they are weary. I feel that way a lot. When I have to take her to doctor or dental appointments and have to do the dead lift from the wheelchair to the car, and/or the wheelchair to the dental chair my body gets very tired. And if she wakes me up after three hours of sleep everything else gets tired and it snowballs. Toss in a few panic attacks, my son having a meltdown, and a sick pet that needs to go to the vet, and i am dangling off the ledge by my fingertips!