Feeling isolated from adult children. Any advice?

When our children act this way, a parent always blame themselves. It is so hard to understand that I’m today’s world things are different than in our past. The family unit no longer exists. Selfishness and callousness is the norm. Our offspring do not appreciate how much we sacrificed, and all the efforts we made trying to give them a good life. In days of the past, our children were our sole purpose in life. In today’s world none of this type of life exists. The hardest thing for us seniors to accept is that it is no longer our world and ways. It breaks our hearts to the core to be treated the way our children treat us, and how they forget us. It seems they only live their lives for themselves. I have heard these stories over and over, and of course there are exceptions to every rule. Unfortunately, we have to swallow our pride and go on trying to live our remaining years with confidence in ourselves, and find happiness in this strange new world. We will never be able to change anyone ever. We can only GO WITH THE FLOW with tears in our eyes and a feeble smile.

You love and respect your elder folks but gave up your life to help them. It is a very difficult decision, but appears it's time to move your husband's parents into a care facility and relocate back to your family where the fun and activities exist. Also, your husband may require professional help.

You moved away to a place where you probably don’t know as many people, Covid intensified, grandkids are growing and getting busier schedules. All these are in play and impacting your feelings of loneliness, but they still love you and appreciate what you’re doing.

You need to take some time off reconnect. Feel alive. Can you bring in help and have more breaks?Take a weekend away? Visit the grandkids?

Don’t forget to do things that make you feel better that don’t rely on participation from them.

Claudia, I am wondering whether the house was put into joint names (and you and DH will automatically inherit it) in return for a care promise. If so, you swapped a life for money.

Eric Clapton has a song that says “We made a vow we’d always be friends. How could we know that promises end?”.

I think it is time for an extended visit with your kids and grandkids

Claudia, please treat yourself to a nice, preferably long, break and go visit your adult children. No explanations or whining, just leave your husband to it and go. He’s deeply in need of some appreciation of you and what you’ve sacrificed for him, his siblings need a clue also. Please go for a few weeks and let us know how refreshed you feel

I agree. Maybe its time to take a vacation home. Tell DH he will need to line up help with his parents. THEY ARE his parents not yours.

I should think it's taking all your children's strength not to ask if you need your head examined.

It seemed not a completely daft thing to do until I read some of your replies and your profile. If your husband wants to volunteer for this suicide mission then perhaps you can't stop him, which would be sad; but you need to take yourself back to your home state, your family, and - ideally - a job.

Have you told any of your children honestly about what you're going through and how you feel?

"At least you have a roof over your head" is a disgraceful remark from your husband. What, you didn't 'have a roof over your head' before you left everything to go care for HIS parents??? When you had a life with your own kids and grandchildren, before HIS parents usurped it? And you bit*ch too much? Well here's the next bi*ch that would be coming out of MY mouth if I were YOU: By X date I'm OUT of here, with or without you, dear husband. Let's see how much bit*ching HE is going to do ALONE as the sole caregiver for his parents with nobody doing the work FOR him 24/7.

You've been sold a pig in a poke, my friend. Time to see that fact and do something about it.

You claim that you have no say and that the other siblings won't let your in-laws go into AL, then they are the ones in charge and you and your husband can walk away.
These other siblings would be the ones responsible for your MIL and FIL. Not you and your husband.
So, Bon Voyage. Walk away.
Go back to your state and to your family and let the other siblings deal with the care of your in-laws.

Thank you all for your comments - they are much appreciated. My husband has 2 sisters and a brother in the same town but we do most of the work. I understand the point about my kids feeling somewhat abandoned and I do need my life back. My husband doesn't understand when I try to tell him how I feel. "At least you have a roof over your head" he says and that I bi__ch too much.

MY kids have flat out told me they DO NOT want to discuss their grandmother's issues. They don't change, they are both 'stable' though obviously aging. But they both could very likely live to 100. We kind of expect it. They're both 92.

Neither g-ma has shown the slightest interest in our kids or grandkids, and the kids and grands reciprocate by sending a Christmas card and that's the entire year's communication.

I do not blame them and I NEVER suggest they go visit. MIL cannot stand noise or people in her house (even family) and my mom has hoarded out her apartment to the point you cannot move, so any visit is spent standing up, and trying to make small kids 'stand at attention' is impossible.

Neither g-ma knows anyone's name and my MIL actually looked at one of my grands one day and VERY RUDELY asked "WHO are YOU?" Poor kid, she was stuck to my side like a barnacle for the next half hour.

My own kids had 2 loving, caring great grandmas who actually knew things about them and loved them and they KNEW it. What a blessing.

Makes our situation a little bitter for me.

You started posting Nov of last year. I skimmed your posts and you said you now own in-laws home? That you have tried to fix it up and in-laws still feel its theirs and get upset. You have mentioned maybe some violence? Sister has offered to take them sovwhat happened there?

Your in-laws are in theur 90s are they both suffering from Dementia. If so, they can no longer make informed decisions. I so hope that someone holds POA for them both. It is no longer what they want, its what they need. They need care that you can no longer give. Time to place them in LTC. Then u take ur life back.

Our children grow up and leave the nest and make their own lives. My "child" is now 60 and she and her spouse are in the midst of retirement plans, and one of the most free times of their lives, having just got their son through college a few years ago, winding up their jobs, and etc. They live several states away,and I will be visiting for a month of fun coming up. But other than that it is the couple of emails, texts, phone calls. And for the grandson it is the rare visit, talk, pictures of the girlfriend and pets.
Again, our children get their own lives. That's what we raise them to do. We are responsible to keep ourselves as healthy, as financially independent, as full up with friends and or hobbies in our own lives.
Just my opinion. There have been "times", a medical crisis or other, that I truly needed and appreciated my girl stepping up, stepping in for me. But I would not expect that to have to happen often; at least I would hope not. Being "close", to me, is loving, appreciating every second you have with your child, but having also your own life.
I am wondering if some of this is not about your children, but about caregiving for your parent's generation. Your inability to keep yourself busy with your own life may be because you are too busy with theirs.
I don't have a whole lot of suggestions to help you, but I sure do wish you luck.

Your adult kids don't want to hear it and who can blame them? MeDolly is right. You and your husband chose to give up the relationships you had with your kids and grandkids to become caregivers to your in-laws three states away.
It's also within your power to restore those relationships and to stop being live-in caregivers to your in-laws.
Look at some options. That they can be moved into care in the state you and your husband were living in before you relocated. Or they can be moved into care in their own state. Or they can get live-in caregivers (that they pay for) to take care of them. Homecare isn't always the best option when there isn't family nearby enough to check on them regularly though.
Go home. Go back to your family and your grandkids. Arrange for your in-laws to be placed together in a facility. They will be cared for by a professional staff. You and your husband can visit. THEIR grandkids (your kids) and even their great-grandkids (your grandkids) can visit them too.
This is for the best. Please look into relocating them. Just go ahead and do it. If they've got dementia, it's not their decision to make. For sure they will refuse and not accept that they are going to be moving out of their home. Do it anyway. They will adapt and will be better off in the long run.

It's called LIFE
Life happens.
they are living their lives, you are living yours.
they get busy, you get busy.
Make a plan to take a bit of a vacation, your husband as well.
Either place MIL and FIL in an Assisted Living or Memory Care facility for a week or so or have caregivers come in and care for them while you are gone.
If your husband does not want to do this then make plans and go without him. But I think he needs to take a break as well.
By the way the In-laws pay for the caregivers or the week in the AL or MC.

They likely can’t understand your decision to move in with in-laws to do what you’re doing and feel a bit abandoned. Reach out often, don’t mention your circumstances, simply take an interest in their lives and activities. My in-laws never bothered to establish a relationship with our now adult children while they were young and as a result, now there is none. Taking an interest, sending little gifts, keeping up with their activities, goes a long way. And consider what important parts of life going forward you may be neglecting in service of parts of life that are largely past. I wish you the best

Quite common.

You decided to give up your children and grandchildren's interaction, by moving out of state. They may have some resentment as you left them for your in-laws. No doubt that you are missing out on the fun times with your grandchildren. There is always a trade off in life.

I do understand them not wanting to hear about the in-laws, I feel that they would be thinking, "She chose to do this" so leave the negativity out of the conversation, we do not want to hear it.

Might be time to move the in-laws in a home, so that you can get on with your life and start enjoying your family.