Feeling isolated from adult children. Any advice?

OP sent me a private post, which I shall not repeat. It seems that DH’s Aspergers syndrome makes life difficult for both of them, she copes as best she can, and DH’s family say that he has improved a lot with their marriage. A SIL had to tell her about growing up with her brother’s issue, which OP didn’t realise earlier. ‘Blaming’ DH doesn’t help, and isn’t quite the issue. OP’s problem is how to cope with her own needs within the overall situation.

OP, my amateur suggestion would be to take a good look at your own needs, and the options you have. Don’t rely on DH to understand, empathise or even agree. Choose the least destructive option, and just do it. Perhaps a visit ‘home’, with DH organising supplementary care while you are gone. Make it clear that it’s for you, and not a rejection of him. Love and best wishes, Margaret

Claudia, you say that your husband has Asperger’s Syndrome, which Dr Google suggests may cause him a ‘first-person focus, and also difficulty understanding the emotional experiences of others’. This, often together with a high intelligence. That suggests a difficult marriage for both parties. You must have more experience than most people in dealing with it, and in working out how to explain your own emotional problems. Do you have any suggestions yourself? Perhaps if you could tell us the types of strategies you use, we could offer some useful twists that might help. You could also add to the forum’s knowledge about how to cope with Aspergers.

I feel the same as you do! I didn't even move 3 states away, but we are all within 15 minutes of each other. I'm OK for the grandkids not to see their grandfather, but my kids are AWOL from me. It's my husband that has Alzheimers. He was a wonderful father and we had a good life. It's over. It's just too much change for me to process. I feel so badly for you. You really need their love and understanding now. Yes, I wish, I wish they would call ( or text)me daily and ask how I'm doing. I, like you, would like to still feel important. We need to still matter!!
After reading and understanding that this was a 2nd marriage, maybe it changes reality. But all of our children are married to their original spouses and so am I. We are an intact family where I have 6 grandchildren and all has changed now. I live within 15 minutes of my children and grandchildren. All I can say is I am flummoxed that I am basically ignored. No matter what society has become, caring is still in fashion!

I think the question now is...are you ready to walk away from all of this? It doesn't look like talking to your husband will do any good.

Can you continue to live there and NOT help with the in-laws? Basically, leave all the care to your husband. Get a part-time job to help your situation & get you out of the house in case you need to leave.

Can you stay temporarily with your children until you can find work in their area and get back out on your own?

I know you said money is an issue..so what can you do to change that? Your situation will not change on its own, you need to start the ball rolling.

What does close to my two daughters mean? Distance and relationship?
What did they say when you said that you were moving? Did they try to dissuade you?

You knew, but now after two precious years it is confirmed, distance affects the closeness especially with grandchildren whose many stages of yearly development seem like decades to them.

Relationships have to be nurtured. Your daughters are probably busy raising their family. Your heart aches for you children. You need your children. They need to provide for the stability of their children.

Do they tell you about their struggles caring for their family?

What is hear from kids more often mean? You're in a particular depth of h*ll. No one, but no one, wants to hear about the crumby inevitable parts of life especially if that's all you have going on. The young want to look forward to sunny days, hopeful days of possibilities, fun, accomplishments, growth, and good light hearted stuff, not hopeless struggles, inevitable doom, dirty diapers when they are practically just getting out of that stage themselves. How many people do you think, blood or no blood, like to deal with a sinking ship of saddness and gloom. It's so normal to not want to be a part of this darkness. Even ameobas knows to pull away from unpleasantness.

Was it necessary to move since your husband has siblings that live in the same area as your in-laws?

Go away for a weekend with your husband and ask him if he thinks his siblings could manage his parents? Ask him if he could imagine going back home to joy and life?

Btw, you are important. You taught your little birds how to succeed and to make it on their own. You are showing them what one does when there's a need.
Were you needed by your kids? Have you made it easier for them, when the time comes, when you'll need them? How were your family on your moving day? Bon voyage, or don't go?

Make a plan. You can show the whole lot how it's done. Carve out a juicy bit of time for yourself. Join a honking great creative fun club and learn a sport or dance. Take a class. Develop a new skill. Impress the g'kids.

Get interesting. Get a little place back home and show them the brand spanking new amazing you when you're able to move back. Or discover what's special about where you are now. Who knows, the g'kids may move to your neck of the woods.

Here lies the basic problem: This is her second marriage, the children and grandchildren are not the husbands, hence, he could care less that she misses her family. He is only interested in his family.

I would get out of that situation; it has no future. I would imagine if anyone's name is on the house it would be the husbands.

The children certainly understand what is going on and don't want to be involved in it. Makes more sense now.

if I "miss" somebody, I reach out: phone call, e-mail, text, letter, video chats... I also realized that I needed to have interesting things to talk about. So, I keep up on the news, read books, have hobbies, make friends.... It might be more a matter that your life has become a little too focused on caring for the seniors and not nurturing the other parts of your life.

I was a people pleaser all my life. Did everything my parents expected that I should do. I finally decided at age 58 to do what was best for me. I moved 3000 miles to be near my only child and grandkids. I now travel back to help my siblings with caregiving every other month but would never sacrifice more than that. The more you do, the more is expected and the more miserable and resentful you become. Go be with your family and reach some compromises with your in laws. Just remember you will NEVER get this time back with your grandkids and that is too big a sacrifice to make.

Of course, you miss your kids, but if they are happy and busy and doing a good job with life, then you have done well by them. For the time being, you are not in their immediate vicinity. Focus on the things and people close at hand. If you can arrange some time each day or each week, look for a senior center or a gym or a caregiver support group or a library class. If you joined an exercise class, for example, you would not only get a healthy break, but you would meet other people who go to the same class(es). That might help you feel less dependent on your kids for contact and make more productive use of where you find yourself right now.

Time to leave, dear, and return to where your children are. Find your own place. You should NOT be caring for your husband’s parents. It was a mistake to move in with them. Pack up and go.

Your husband can stay and do his thing but you should be happy. Caring for your in-laws is no picnic. They should have planned better. Don’t spend your retirement on them.

I think it's natural to miss them and have heartache connected to that. And caring for inlaws sounds like a lot of stress. Hugs!!!

Like someone else mentioned, maybe you can go for a visit if that would be something you'd be comfy with.

I'd encourage you to find others like yourself to create a bit of like minded support. I know that caregiver support groups are common. I'd seek out something like that, and hopefully make some new friends.

Life is an adventure. You never know what's around the corner, and it could be something meaninful and full of growth. I am nearing 60 and always looking for new ways to experience life and love. I wish you well!

Poster said this is her second marriage. Husband has Asperger's. Her children and grandchildren are from her first marriage. Her husband has other siblings but only one of them is helping.

Thanks for responding to my questions Claudia. I definitely wouldn't allow him to move you away from "your" children to take care of "his" parents. Asperger's or not, he will "hear" you when you leave. Don't do anything rash....talk with your children and explain what is going on and tell them you plan to move closer to them because you miss them. Take your time finding somewhere to live, getting your finances in order, etc...

I wish you well. Take care.

I find it very disheartening to see responses here vilifying the OP's kids, calling them narcissistic and selfish. In fact, I think it's a little ridiculous based on the OP's circumstances.

When a family member who was close physically to other family members moves away, they're just not going to see as much of each other as they once did. That's called life, and it doesn't mean people are mean, or ill-intentioned or evil! And yes, if you move to become a full-time caregiver for an elderly family member with dementia, you're going to experience isolation in some form or another. That sucks big time, but it doesn't make other family members evil. selfish, self-centered etc., just because THEY also have lives and responsibilities and can't be at your constant beck and call.

Honestly, what would be our collective advice if the OP's KIDS had come here to post "hey, my mom who used to live really close by moved 3 states away to take care of her in-laws with dementia, now she tells us how much she misses us and how unhappy she is, and wants us to visit more, but we can't because of our responsibilities to our own families and kids"? The responses they would likely get would be "mom made her choice, she shouldn't be pressuring you like this because YOUR KIDS are your first priority." It's advice I've seen given here time and time again. The advice shouldn't change based on the circumstances and perspective of the person posting the question, and we feel sorry for the person.

Claudia, if you can't physically travel to see your kids and grandkids, as others have said, there are other options...Zoom calls, video chatting, even just plain-old telephone calls. It's not the same as being there, true, but it can make you feel less isolated. I think you have reached the point of such bad burn-out that nothing short of throwing up your hands and claiming defeat sounds like much of a solution. Many of us have been there. You're not going to find one ideal solution, unfortunately, so you're going to have to try multiple less-than-ideal solutions to help mitigate this feeling you have.

Good luck!

Find some way to leave, even temporarily, so you can have a break.
You need to rest and refuel now.

ClaudiaPeterson: Your husband's words "at least you have a roof over your head" and "you b**ch too much" are appalling. He had the absolute gall to say that, all the while knowing that YOU gave up your life to take care of HIS parents. That's rich!

Not hearing from your kids should not make you feel not important anymore. You are sad and lonely, it shows you should create life on your own.
You made a decision to move away and realistically you cannot expect them to be available.
But, there is calls, video chats, you can visit. Get involved in different things, there is nothing like having different projects to stop overthinking.
It is natural for kids not too want to hear too much about elderly illness.

Your complaint sounds a bit like my Mum.

My brother and his family are camping within an hour of Mum's town. They live 5-6 hours away and there is an expensive ferry ride in that trip.

They spent a fair bit of Saturday with Mum and invited her to come to the campground on Tuesday and go to the sandcastle competition with them. Mum thoroughly enjoyed herself. But the first words out of her mouth when she picked her dog up from me, were, I don't know when they will be over again. She was grumbling.

And back in the spring when Mum was visiting her sister for their birthday in the same city my brother lives in, his kids made her a birthday cake, decorated it, brought in dinner etc.

Yet when she came home from that trip, she was grumbling again.

I am used to her grumbling, but my brother cannot stand to talk to her, because she is going to start every single time, whining that it has been too long since the last visit. "I won't be around forever." etc.

If you miss you daughters and granddaughters, go visit them. While you are there, don't talk about your husband or his parents. Be in the moment with your family.

NO worries God knows what is happening and he wants you to know that one day your kids will know that they shouldnt be isolating you both and that you are just doing your share to care for your inlaw. It is your childrens loss if they decided to not bother you both, for they have their own reasons too. Just dont complain too much about your in laws to them because it may turn them off. They want you both to be happy too.

I gave birth to a few narcissists, too. Here's a special saying from Maya Angelou:

"When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."

I would reach out to your adult kids (I have 3 adult sons) and tell them you love them and miss them and then ask them if they would like a visit from you.

Moving in with in-laws under ANY circumstances is a massive no-no in my opinion. Mine have passed now and I had a very decent relationship with them. I saw them regularly enough and kept my visits short and sweet...worked a treat! And in those short visits (over 30 years) some cross words were spoken on both of our parts ,from time to time, but there was love on both sides so all was resolved every time fortunately, but man was there potential for arguments which I am certain would have occurred if I stayed there too long! Good luck!

No i didnt read all the answers so maybe my response is the same as some ???

i gather it’s ok for kids to grow up and move to wherever but mom and dad and grandparents need to stay in the same place and be ready for visits ?

all right.

but sometimes moving for people is sometimes essential.

with the internet these days whats wrong with a quick and simple hello how are you from the kids or a response to your texts.

no long phone calls are needed but a text every so often might be nice for the kids to send.

I am in a similar situation, though thankfully not nearly as bad, but I can see the writing on the wall that it may be coming to this (moving in with in-laws) soon.
I don't understand; why does your husband put up with this? You have said that his parents have broken promises to him and treated him poorly in the past. Why on earth did he/you agree to this?
I am so sorry that I don't have any answers, only questions. Perhaps you should start planning your escape. Maybe you can move back to your home state, get an apartment or something. But you will probably have to give up a lot (any shared assets with husband, etc.) to gain your freedom.
Peace and Love to you Claudia

DH and I would NEVER allow our children to live with us, just as we’d never live with them.

If either of us were disabled we’d enter a local care residence.

We have discussed our choices with them for MANY years, and do not want this to be done any other way.

It may be possible that it’s more of a burden that they care to handle (hearing of your day as a caregiver) so flip the script and ask about their day and inspirations, accomplishments etc… and stay on that page. Just limit how much you say about caring for love ones!

Figure out how to visit your kids/grandkids. The more you are isolated as a care giver the harder it'll be and the more regret you will have for the sacrifice. You go out to find joy. Separate the drudgery of your care giving and LIVE as much as you can. Depression is at your door and you must walk out past it to where the living is happening.

All of my children are adults. Although I am close to them, because their focus is on college, jobs, and friendships, they don't spend a lot of time with us. Even when we are all together as a family, they tend to group together to talk, laugh, and have fun. I am ok with this, and thankful that they are close and enjoy each other's company. All of my children are single and childless.
As for the caregiving situation, when our disabled family member lived with us during covid (aps involved, the family member needed care and facility placement during covid was nearly impossible, and quite honestly frightening), the adult children were a bit miffed at the situation and the financial, physical, and emotional costs of taking in the family member. It did cause a strain on every relationship we had, until we were able to find suitable placement, because of the inappropriate speech and behavior exhibited by the family member.
If it is starting to affect your marriage and your relationship with your adult children and your grandchildren, perhaps it is time to re-think the arrangement. Your husband is probably lashing out because he feels equally overwhelmed and exhausted.
The two of you could always move out, and contact APS since the in-laws sound like they aren't capable of caring for themselves, despite their desire to stay in their home. Let APS take over their home and finances (which is what they will do if they deem them unable to perform self care). That elimates you and your husband, as well as his siblings, from bearing the responsibility of providing care as well as financial responsibility. Once their home and resources are liquidated and exhausted, a social worker will be able to place them in an assisted living that accepts medicaid.
It is a sad situation for you to be in. Fortunately you can get out of it easily by simply removing yourself from it.
If you want to leave and your spouse wants to stay, speak with your adult children about moving back to your home state and staying with them until you can get a job and save up for an apartment. They would probably love to help you.

I would speak with your husband about how you are feeling. He is very blessed to have you to support him throughout this. You both made the decision to move into their home, ( I would imagine it is due to the fact that they are more comfortable with their doctors, and all of the paperwork to move them to another state would be terrifying for them)so now perhaps it is time to discuss with him how much of a toll this is taking on you. Perhaps it is time for a vacation to see the family, or maybe a meet in the middle vacation with your family, so then you all would have something good to talk about and to look forward to. I know how difficult it is to ask for help. Please don't wait until you are completly burnt out like I did. The messages on here speak about putting parents in a nursing home or other facility is like throwing candy around, but I understand that there may be financial issues of placing our loved one/s in a clean and safe environment, or that a promise was made to our parent/s that we would never do that and we are struggling to keep that promise. I do not know all of your circumstances, but I understand not wanting to share all of the struggles with your children. There are times that I don't even call, because I feel that I really don't have anything good to talk about. I would reccommend after speaking with your husband {communication is key} that you speak with your doctor about getting some counseling so that you can have a safe place to vent with someone who is not emotionally connected. Last and certainly not least. I know your daughters have their own lifes, but they are adults and need pull up thier big girl pants and support you for being an amazing woman, who is an amazing wife and supporting your spouse through such difficult times. Let go of that guilt honey! You have enough on your shoulders! God bless you.

I totally understand how you're feeling and can relate. I'm the sole caregiver for my 95 yo mother who has been living with me for the past 5 years. Both of my young adult children are pursuing their own lives - with my blessing. My daughter and her husband live 10 minutes away from me - work full time - are busy with their own pursuits and don't visit often these days. My son also lives nearby but is an adventurer and is currently on a thru-hike from Mexico to Canada.

I never ever put pressure on them to visit and just deal with my own feelings by praying for them and regularly telling them that I love them.

We have had conversations about my caregiving and that they feel I need a life of my own and I agree but for now this is what it is. It's a season and one day it will be over.

I feel like things have changed. My parents never took care of their parents. They moved away, chose their professions, raised their kids, did what they wanted. Now folks are living longer. So now we are the sandwich generation. Still working, still helping our children and grandchildren while taking care of our parents. It is exhausting.

I would never move my parents in with us because I don't feel like it is fair to my husband and I sure as hell don't want his family moving in with us. I would never want my child to take me in and strain her marriage and drain her physically and expect her to give up her life. I think it is selfish for someone to expect that.

It doesn't sound like moving in with his parents was something you wanted to do. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but at my house, we each get an equal say. If I were in your shoes, my vote would have been "hell no! I will help you move them and place them, but I am not giving up my time with my own children and grandchildren so that your parents aren't inconvenienced".

If your adult children are like most of America, they are busy working and maintaining their own home and their kids schooling and activities, etc. They are busy and they are tired. Jobs are not what they used to be. You don't get a job, trained and work there until retirement. Todays workforce is constantly changing, you have to keep yourself up to date with everything and you're competing with 24 yr olds with masters degrees that still live with their parents and were using a computer right out of the womb. It's not easy and its stressful. They also may think that you chose to move away. I wouldn't take it personally. What I would take personally is the fact that your husband thinks its okay to uproot you to become full time caregivers to his parents so that he can inherit a house. You know what is going to happen to his parents house? Your children are going to have to sell it to pay for the care of you and your husband.

You need to speak up. Have solutions in hand when you do. Investigate home health agencies, investigate assisted living facilities that have memory care on site so that his parents can be at the same place. Don't get emotional. Have information and facts. It will be harder for him to dismiss you if you come at him with rationale.

Just curious.....is your husband not close to your children and grandchildren? You didn't say whether he missed them. Were you both already retired when all of this happened? Does your husband have any siblings to share in the caregiving?