Feeling isolated from adult children. Any advice?

Quite common.

You decided to give up your children and grandchildren's interaction, by moving out of state. They may have some resentment as you left them for your in-laws. No doubt that you are missing out on the fun times with your grandchildren. There is always a trade off in life.

I do understand them not wanting to hear about the in-laws, I feel that they would be thinking, "She chose to do this" so leave the negativity out of the conversation, we do not want to hear it.

Might be time to move the in-laws in a home, so that you can get on with your life and start enjoying your family.

They likely can’t understand your decision to move in with in-laws to do what you’re doing and feel a bit abandoned. Reach out often, don’t mention your circumstances, simply take an interest in their lives and activities. My in-laws never bothered to establish a relationship with our now adult children while they were young and as a result, now there is none. Taking an interest, sending little gifts, keeping up with their activities, goes a long way. And consider what important parts of life going forward you may be neglecting in service of parts of life that are largely past. I wish you the best

It's called LIFE
Life happens.
they are living their lives, you are living yours.
they get busy, you get busy.
Make a plan to take a bit of a vacation, your husband as well.
Either place MIL and FIL in an Assisted Living or Memory Care facility for a week or so or have caregivers come in and care for them while you are gone.
If your husband does not want to do this then make plans and go without him. But I think he needs to take a break as well.
By the way the In-laws pay for the caregivers or the week in the AL or MC.

Your adult kids don't want to hear it and who can blame them? MeDolly is right. You and your husband chose to give up the relationships you had with your kids and grandkids to become caregivers to your in-laws three states away.
It's also within your power to restore those relationships and to stop being live-in caregivers to your in-laws.
Look at some options. That they can be moved into care in the state you and your husband were living in before you relocated. Or they can be moved into care in their own state. Or they can get live-in caregivers (that they pay for) to take care of them. Homecare isn't always the best option when there isn't family nearby enough to check on them regularly though.
Go home. Go back to your family and your grandkids. Arrange for your in-laws to be placed together in a facility. They will be cared for by a professional staff. You and your husband can visit. THEIR grandkids (your kids) and even their great-grandkids (your grandkids) can visit them too.
This is for the best. Please look into relocating them. Just go ahead and do it. If they've got dementia, it's not their decision to make. For sure they will refuse and not accept that they are going to be moving out of their home. Do it anyway. They will adapt and will be better off in the long run.

Our children grow up and leave the nest and make their own lives. My "child" is now 60 and she and her spouse are in the midst of retirement plans, and one of the most free times of their lives, having just got their son through college a few years ago, winding up their jobs, and etc. They live several states away,and I will be visiting for a month of fun coming up. But other than that it is the couple of emails, texts, phone calls. And for the grandson it is the rare visit, talk, pictures of the girlfriend and pets.
Again, our children get their own lives. That's what we raise them to do. We are responsible to keep ourselves as healthy, as financially independent, as full up with friends and or hobbies in our own lives.
Just my opinion. There have been "times", a medical crisis or other, that I truly needed and appreciated my girl stepping up, stepping in for me. But I would not expect that to have to happen often; at least I would hope not. Being "close", to me, is loving, appreciating every second you have with your child, but having also your own life.
I am wondering if some of this is not about your children, but about caregiving for your parent's generation. Your inability to keep yourself busy with your own life may be because you are too busy with theirs.
I don't have a whole lot of suggestions to help you, but I sure do wish you luck.

You started posting Nov of last year. I skimmed your posts and you said you now own in-laws home? That you have tried to fix it up and in-laws still feel its theirs and get upset. You have mentioned maybe some violence? Sister has offered to take them sovwhat happened there?

Your in-laws are in theur 90s are they both suffering from Dementia. If so, they can no longer make informed decisions. I so hope that someone holds POA for them both. It is no longer what they want, its what they need. They need care that you can no longer give. Time to place them in LTC. Then u take ur life back.

MY kids have flat out told me they DO NOT want to discuss their grandmother's issues. They don't change, they are both 'stable' though obviously aging. But they both could very likely live to 100. We kind of expect it. They're both 92.

Neither g-ma has shown the slightest interest in our kids or grandkids, and the kids and grands reciprocate by sending a Christmas card and that's the entire year's communication.

I do not blame them and I NEVER suggest they go visit. MIL cannot stand noise or people in her house (even family) and my mom has hoarded out her apartment to the point you cannot move, so any visit is spent standing up, and trying to make small kids 'stand at attention' is impossible.

Neither g-ma knows anyone's name and my MIL actually looked at one of my grands one day and VERY RUDELY asked "WHO are YOU?" Poor kid, she was stuck to my side like a barnacle for the next half hour.

My own kids had 2 loving, caring great grandmas who actually knew things about them and loved them and they KNEW it. What a blessing.

Makes our situation a little bitter for me.

Thank you all for your comments - they are much appreciated. My husband has 2 sisters and a brother in the same town but we do most of the work. I understand the point about my kids feeling somewhat abandoned and I do need my life back. My husband doesn't understand when I try to tell him how I feel. "At least you have a roof over your head" he says and that I bi__ch too much.

You claim that you have no say and that the other siblings won't let your in-laws go into AL, then they are the ones in charge and you and your husband can walk away.
These other siblings would be the ones responsible for your MIL and FIL. Not you and your husband.
So, Bon Voyage. Walk away.
Go back to your state and to your family and let the other siblings deal with the care of your in-laws.

"At least you have a roof over your head" is a disgraceful remark from your husband. What, you didn't 'have a roof over your head' before you left everything to go care for HIS parents??? When you had a life with your own kids and grandchildren, before HIS parents usurped it? And you bit*ch too much? Well here's the next bi*ch that would be coming out of MY mouth if I were YOU: By X date I'm OUT of here, with or without you, dear husband. Let's see how much bit*ching HE is going to do ALONE as the sole caregiver for his parents with nobody doing the work FOR him 24/7.

You've been sold a pig in a poke, my friend. Time to see that fact and do something about it.

I should think it's taking all your children's strength not to ask if you need your head examined.

It seemed not a completely daft thing to do until I read some of your replies and your profile. If your husband wants to volunteer for this suicide mission then perhaps you can't stop him, which would be sad; but you need to take yourself back to your home state, your family, and - ideally - a job.

Have you told any of your children honestly about what you're going through and how you feel?

I agree. Maybe its time to take a vacation home. Tell DH he will need to line up help with his parents. THEY ARE his parents not yours.

Claudia, please treat yourself to a nice, preferably long, break and go visit your adult children. No explanations or whining, just leave your husband to it and go. He’s deeply in need of some appreciation of you and what you’ve sacrificed for him, his siblings need a clue also. Please go for a few weeks and let us know how refreshed you feel

I think it is time for an extended visit with your kids and grandkids

Claudia, I am wondering whether the house was put into joint names (and you and DH will automatically inherit it) in return for a care promise. If so, you swapped a life for money.

Eric Clapton has a song that says “We made a vow we’d always be friends. How could we know that promises end?”.

You moved away to a place where you probably don’t know as many people, Covid intensified, grandkids are growing and getting busier schedules. All these are in play and impacting your feelings of loneliness, but they still love you and appreciate what you’re doing.

You need to take some time off reconnect. Feel alive. Can you bring in help and have more breaks?Take a weekend away? Visit the grandkids?

Don’t forget to do things that make you feel better that don’t rely on participation from them.

You love and respect your elder folks but gave up your life to help them. It is a very difficult decision, but appears it's time to move your husband's parents into a care facility and relocate back to your family where the fun and activities exist. Also, your husband may require professional help.

When our children act this way, a parent always blame themselves. It is so hard to understand that I’m today’s world things are different than in our past. The family unit no longer exists. Selfishness and callousness is the norm. Our offspring do not appreciate how much we sacrificed, and all the efforts we made trying to give them a good life. In days of the past, our children were our sole purpose in life. In today’s world none of this type of life exists. The hardest thing for us seniors to accept is that it is no longer our world and ways. It breaks our hearts to the core to be treated the way our children treat us, and how they forget us. It seems they only live their lives for themselves. I have heard these stories over and over, and of course there are exceptions to every rule. Unfortunately, we have to swallow our pride and go on trying to live our remaining years with confidence in ourselves, and find happiness in this strange new world. We will never be able to change anyone ever. We can only GO WITH THE FLOW with tears in our eyes and a feeble smile.

I feel like things have changed. My parents never took care of their parents. They moved away, chose their professions, raised their kids, did what they wanted. Now folks are living longer. So now we are the sandwich generation. Still working, still helping our children and grandchildren while taking care of our parents. It is exhausting.

I would never move my parents in with us because I don't feel like it is fair to my husband and I sure as hell don't want his family moving in with us. I would never want my child to take me in and strain her marriage and drain her physically and expect her to give up her life. I think it is selfish for someone to expect that.

It doesn't sound like moving in with his parents was something you wanted to do. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but at my house, we each get an equal say. If I were in your shoes, my vote would have been "hell no! I will help you move them and place them, but I am not giving up my time with my own children and grandchildren so that your parents aren't inconvenienced".

If your adult children are like most of America, they are busy working and maintaining their own home and their kids schooling and activities, etc. They are busy and they are tired. Jobs are not what they used to be. You don't get a job, trained and work there until retirement. Todays workforce is constantly changing, you have to keep yourself up to date with everything and you're competing with 24 yr olds with masters degrees that still live with their parents and were using a computer right out of the womb. It's not easy and its stressful. They also may think that you chose to move away. I wouldn't take it personally. What I would take personally is the fact that your husband thinks its okay to uproot you to become full time caregivers to his parents so that he can inherit a house. You know what is going to happen to his parents house? Your children are going to have to sell it to pay for the care of you and your husband.

You need to speak up. Have solutions in hand when you do. Investigate home health agencies, investigate assisted living facilities that have memory care on site so that his parents can be at the same place. Don't get emotional. Have information and facts. It will be harder for him to dismiss you if you come at him with rationale.

Just curious.....is your husband not close to your children and grandchildren? You didn't say whether he missed them. Were you both already retired when all of this happened? Does your husband have any siblings to share in the caregiving?

I totally understand how you're feeling and can relate. I'm the sole caregiver for my 95 yo mother who has been living with me for the past 5 years. Both of my young adult children are pursuing their own lives - with my blessing. My daughter and her husband live 10 minutes away from me - work full time - are busy with their own pursuits and don't visit often these days. My son also lives nearby but is an adventurer and is currently on a thru-hike from Mexico to Canada.

I never ever put pressure on them to visit and just deal with my own feelings by praying for them and regularly telling them that I love them.

We have had conversations about my caregiving and that they feel I need a life of my own and I agree but for now this is what it is. It's a season and one day it will be over.

I would speak with your husband about how you are feeling. He is very blessed to have you to support him throughout this. You both made the decision to move into their home, ( I would imagine it is due to the fact that they are more comfortable with their doctors, and all of the paperwork to move them to another state would be terrifying for them)so now perhaps it is time to discuss with him how much of a toll this is taking on you. Perhaps it is time for a vacation to see the family, or maybe a meet in the middle vacation with your family, so then you all would have something good to talk about and to look forward to. I know how difficult it is to ask for help. Please don't wait until you are completly burnt out like I did. The messages on here speak about putting parents in a nursing home or other facility is like throwing candy around, but I understand that there may be financial issues of placing our loved one/s in a clean and safe environment, or that a promise was made to our parent/s that we would never do that and we are struggling to keep that promise. I do not know all of your circumstances, but I understand not wanting to share all of the struggles with your children. There are times that I don't even call, because I feel that I really don't have anything good to talk about. I would reccommend after speaking with your husband {communication is key} that you speak with your doctor about getting some counseling so that you can have a safe place to vent with someone who is not emotionally connected. Last and certainly not least. I know your daughters have their own lifes, but they are adults and need pull up thier big girl pants and support you for being an amazing woman, who is an amazing wife and supporting your spouse through such difficult times. Let go of that guilt honey! You have enough on your shoulders! God bless you.

All of my children are adults. Although I am close to them, because their focus is on college, jobs, and friendships, they don't spend a lot of time with us. Even when we are all together as a family, they tend to group together to talk, laugh, and have fun. I am ok with this, and thankful that they are close and enjoy each other's company. All of my children are single and childless.
As for the caregiving situation, when our disabled family member lived with us during covid (aps involved, the family member needed care and facility placement during covid was nearly impossible, and quite honestly frightening), the adult children were a bit miffed at the situation and the financial, physical, and emotional costs of taking in the family member. It did cause a strain on every relationship we had, until we were able to find suitable placement, because of the inappropriate speech and behavior exhibited by the family member.
If it is starting to affect your marriage and your relationship with your adult children and your grandchildren, perhaps it is time to re-think the arrangement. Your husband is probably lashing out because he feels equally overwhelmed and exhausted.
The two of you could always move out, and contact APS since the in-laws sound like they aren't capable of caring for themselves, despite their desire to stay in their home. Let APS take over their home and finances (which is what they will do if they deem them unable to perform self care). That elimates you and your husband, as well as his siblings, from bearing the responsibility of providing care as well as financial responsibility. Once their home and resources are liquidated and exhausted, a social worker will be able to place them in an assisted living that accepts medicaid.
It is a sad situation for you to be in. Fortunately you can get out of it easily by simply removing yourself from it.
If you want to leave and your spouse wants to stay, speak with your adult children about moving back to your home state and staying with them until you can get a job and save up for an apartment. They would probably love to help you.

Figure out how to visit your kids/grandkids. The more you are isolated as a care giver the harder it'll be and the more regret you will have for the sacrifice. You go out to find joy. Separate the drudgery of your care giving and LIVE as much as you can. Depression is at your door and you must walk out past it to where the living is happening.

It may be possible that it’s more of a burden that they care to handle (hearing of your day as a caregiver) so flip the script and ask about their day and inspirations, accomplishments etc… and stay on that page. Just limit how much you say about caring for love ones!

DH and I would NEVER allow our children to live with us, just as we’d never live with them.

If either of us were disabled we’d enter a local care residence.

We have discussed our choices with them for MANY years, and do not want this to be done any other way.

I am in a similar situation, though thankfully not nearly as bad, but I can see the writing on the wall that it may be coming to this (moving in with in-laws) soon.
I don't understand; why does your husband put up with this? You have said that his parents have broken promises to him and treated him poorly in the past. Why on earth did he/you agree to this?
I am so sorry that I don't have any answers, only questions. Perhaps you should start planning your escape. Maybe you can move back to your home state, get an apartment or something. But you will probably have to give up a lot (any shared assets with husband, etc.) to gain your freedom.
Peace and Love to you Claudia

No i didnt read all the answers so maybe my response is the same as some ???

i gather it’s ok for kids to grow up and move to wherever but mom and dad and grandparents need to stay in the same place and be ready for visits ?

all right.

but sometimes moving for people is sometimes essential.

with the internet these days whats wrong with a quick and simple hello how are you from the kids or a response to your texts.

no long phone calls are needed but a text every so often might be nice for the kids to send.

Moving in with in-laws under ANY circumstances is a massive no-no in my opinion. Mine have passed now and I had a very decent relationship with them. I saw them regularly enough and kept my visits short and sweet...worked a treat! And in those short visits (over 30 years) some cross words were spoken on both of our parts ,from time to time, but there was love on both sides so all was resolved every time fortunately, but man was there potential for arguments which I am certain would have occurred if I stayed there too long! Good luck!

I would reach out to your adult kids (I have 3 adult sons) and tell them you love them and miss them and then ask them if they would like a visit from you.

I gave birth to a few narcissists, too. Here's a special saying from Maya Angelou:

"When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."