Feeling isolated from adult children. Any advice?

You claim that you have no say and that the other siblings won't let your in-laws go into AL, then they are the ones in charge and you and your husband can walk away.
These other siblings would be the ones responsible for your MIL and FIL. Not you and your husband.
So, Bon Voyage. Walk away.
Go back to your state and to your family and let the other siblings deal with the care of your in-laws.

Claudia, please treat yourself to a nice, preferably long, break and go visit your adult children. No explanations or whining, just leave your husband to it and go. He’s deeply in need of some appreciation of you and what you’ve sacrificed for him, his siblings need a clue also. Please go for a few weeks and let us know how refreshed you feel

Our children grow up and leave the nest and make their own lives. My "child" is now 60 and she and her spouse are in the midst of retirement plans, and one of the most free times of their lives, having just got their son through college a few years ago, winding up their jobs, and etc. They live several states away,and I will be visiting for a month of fun coming up. But other than that it is the couple of emails, texts, phone calls. And for the grandson it is the rare visit, talk, pictures of the girlfriend and pets.
Again, our children get their own lives. That's what we raise them to do. We are responsible to keep ourselves as healthy, as financially independent, as full up with friends and or hobbies in our own lives.
Just my opinion. There have been "times", a medical crisis or other, that I truly needed and appreciated my girl stepping up, stepping in for me. But I would not expect that to have to happen often; at least I would hope not. Being "close", to me, is loving, appreciating every second you have with your child, but having also your own life.
I am wondering if some of this is not about your children, but about caregiving for your parent's generation. Your inability to keep yourself busy with your own life may be because you are too busy with theirs.
I don't have a whole lot of suggestions to help you, but I sure do wish you luck.

"At least you have a roof over your head" is a disgraceful remark from your husband. What, you didn't 'have a roof over your head' before you left everything to go care for HIS parents??? When you had a life with your own kids and grandchildren, before HIS parents usurped it? And you bit*ch too much? Well here's the next bi*ch that would be coming out of MY mouth if I were YOU: By X date I'm OUT of here, with or without you, dear husband. Let's see how much bit*ching HE is going to do ALONE as the sole caregiver for his parents with nobody doing the work FOR him 24/7.

You've been sold a pig in a poke, my friend. Time to see that fact and do something about it.

I should think it's taking all your children's strength not to ask if you need your head examined.

It seemed not a completely daft thing to do until I read some of your replies and your profile. If your husband wants to volunteer for this suicide mission then perhaps you can't stop him, which would be sad; but you need to take yourself back to your home state, your family, and - ideally - a job.

Have you told any of your children honestly about what you're going through and how you feel?

I totally understand how you're feeling and can relate. I'm the sole caregiver for my 95 yo mother who has been living with me for the past 5 years. Both of my young adult children are pursuing their own lives - with my blessing. My daughter and her husband live 10 minutes away from me - work full time - are busy with their own pursuits and don't visit often these days. My son also lives nearby but is an adventurer and is currently on a thru-hike from Mexico to Canada.

I never ever put pressure on them to visit and just deal with my own feelings by praying for them and regularly telling them that I love them.

We have had conversations about my caregiving and that they feel I need a life of my own and I agree but for now this is what it is. It's a season and one day it will be over.

You started posting Nov of last year. I skimmed your posts and you said you now own in-laws home? That you have tried to fix it up and in-laws still feel its theirs and get upset. You have mentioned maybe some violence? Sister has offered to take them sovwhat happened there?

Your in-laws are in theur 90s are they both suffering from Dementia. If so, they can no longer make informed decisions. I so hope that someone holds POA for them both. It is no longer what they want, its what they need. They need care that you can no longer give. Time to place them in LTC. Then u take ur life back.

I think it is time for an extended visit with your kids and grandkids

Figure out how to visit your kids/grandkids. The more you are isolated as a care giver the harder it'll be and the more regret you will have for the sacrifice. You go out to find joy. Separate the drudgery of your care giving and LIVE as much as you can. Depression is at your door and you must walk out past it to where the living is happening.

I find it very disheartening to see responses here vilifying the OP's kids, calling them narcissistic and selfish. In fact, I think it's a little ridiculous based on the OP's circumstances.

When a family member who was close physically to other family members moves away, they're just not going to see as much of each other as they once did. That's called life, and it doesn't mean people are mean, or ill-intentioned or evil! And yes, if you move to become a full-time caregiver for an elderly family member with dementia, you're going to experience isolation in some form or another. That sucks big time, but it doesn't make other family members evil. selfish, self-centered etc., just because THEY also have lives and responsibilities and can't be at your constant beck and call.

Honestly, what would be our collective advice if the OP's KIDS had come here to post "hey, my mom who used to live really close by moved 3 states away to take care of her in-laws with dementia, now she tells us how much she misses us and how unhappy she is, and wants us to visit more, but we can't because of our responsibilities to our own families and kids"? The responses they would likely get would be "mom made her choice, she shouldn't be pressuring you like this because YOUR KIDS are your first priority." It's advice I've seen given here time and time again. The advice shouldn't change based on the circumstances and perspective of the person posting the question, and we feel sorry for the person.

Claudia, if you can't physically travel to see your kids and grandkids, as others have said, there are other options...Zoom calls, video chatting, even just plain-old telephone calls. It's not the same as being there, true, but it can make you feel less isolated. I think you have reached the point of such bad burn-out that nothing short of throwing up your hands and claiming defeat sounds like much of a solution. Many of us have been there. You're not going to find one ideal solution, unfortunately, so you're going to have to try multiple less-than-ideal solutions to help mitigate this feeling you have.

Good luck!