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My husband died 4+ months ago. He had major heart and other health problems when I met him 2 decades ago, and he gradually declined until things really started to domino 2-3 years ago. Caretaking of course gradually increased over the years.


I started anticipatory grieving in the last few years and was very angry at him for ruining his own health and leaving me to go on without him. He would always tell me not to worry because he would be with me always, even after his death. My reaction to that was, “Great, but that doesn’t help me” (on the physical plane)!


I finally realized that I didn’t want to spend our remaining time together in anger, so I forgave him and gave us both some peace during the last year.


He died at home after being on hospice care for only 12 hours. (He had needed hospice services sooner, but coordinating with his VA medical staff had been agonizingly slow.) It was a shock to me that it seemed to happen so fast, even though I had known for so long that it was coming. He had been hospitalized so many times and had so many close calls.


After he passed, I was devastated and depressed and I felt like I was only half conscious for a long time.


Gradually my mental state has improved. I’ve been talking to a hospice counselor, which has helped a lot. I have continued working and have tried to stay busy and distracted from the deep feelings of grief, but coming home and being alone in this house has been hard. I have felt so alone. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve ever lived totally by myself.


A week and a half ago, I ventured out to a hospice-sponsored event. I enjoyed it, just being with other people who had been through the death of a loved one. Since then, my feelings of grief and loneliness have lifted considerably, and I haven’t cried. I’m even beginning to enjoy being at home by myself and able to do things I never had time to do before.


But now I feel guilty! It seems like I shouldn’t suddenly be over the grief. Is that what’s happening? It seems like it’s too soon, and it feels disloyal. Is this sudden change in my feelings normal? I never thought I’d feel like this a couple weeks ago, when I was crying and praying and asking my husband to help me go on without him.


I’m now thinking about how hard it was to take care of him toward the end, and admitting that I’m glad I’m not in that position anymore. Most of the enjoyment had gone out of our relationship, because it was just so hard and exhausting, mentally and physically, day after day. It was so stressful for so long.


I know the experiences of caretaking and grief are different for everyone, but if anyone has had similar experiences with unexpected feelings and reactions during caretaking and grieving, please share. And thank you all for keeping me relatively sane with your posts, which I have read voraciously over the last year or two.

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Greetings, my dear, quite frankly. Both your reactions are totally reasonable – grieving that he is gone, and relief that the hard hard journey is over. It is also totally reasonable to see-saw between the two reactions. Even if you really hated him, the grief will still come back – on a birthday or Christmas, or even just out of nowhere. The relief that the troubles are over will also still be there, and you need to build on it to make your new life without him. You have nothing to blame yourself for, now or for the past, and nothing to feel guilty about. Just give yourself permission to ride the roller coaster for the next few months, until things settle down. Best wishes, Margaret.
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Franklymydear Sep 2019
“Roller coaster” fits the process so well. I also like the description of grief coming in waves, very close together at first, knocking you down, almost drowning you... then slowing down, waves not so close together, but they knock you down just the same!
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Guilty? Watch what words you use to label things. Guilt is for those who just went out and murdered someone. You didn't do that. Perhaps you are "curious". Perhaps you are perplexed? Astounded? Puzzled? I doubt you are guilty of anything. Oh, maybe parking poorly.
Here has been my experience with people who have lost loved ones, including my Mom whose love story with my Dad is likely the greatest I have ever known. I think that those who made peace BEFORE death, who did the best they could during the dying process, who understand the limitations of the human heart, who have a deep curiosity and longing to know and understand relationships, who see beauty in life, who understand contentment............they often are the ones who can get on with it. Who can accept that they did the best they could with what they had, that sometimes they weren't quite up to it, but as often they rose above what they thought they could. That things that were frightening were dealt with one at a time and increased self worth as they were.
You are correct. It is different for everyone. And like the Simon Says games sometimes there is a step backwards in the forward steps. You can be blindsided by grief, put down onto the bed in a fetal position, and that after thinking you had "come out of it".
Good on you. You are curious about it all, still. I thought my Mom would follow on after my Dad. Couldn't imagine her without him. Still remember the day she looked at me and said "You know, if I can keep my marbles and still get around? I would love a couple more years". She had them.
Take good care!!
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staceyb2 Sep 2019
I Love you response AlvaDear, but I challenge you in the "Parents with the Greatest Love Story", Lol! I am happy that you had such a wonderful experience growing up and had that admiration for their Love for one another just as I did!

We should share our stories some time!
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Don't feel bad that your grief subsided quickly like that consider yourself blessed you must have a strong sense of being.
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Frankly,

I am so sorry for what you're going through. Having lost my precious dad 3 years ago, I've concluded that grief doesn't follow a timetable and the so-called "Five Stages of Grief" (you know: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are baloney.

However you grieve is no indication of the depth of your feelings. There is no right or wrong way. Relief from responsibility can be a part of grief. Just allow it to unfold in its own way. (((Hugs)))
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I do not believe the 5 stages of grief are baloney, not in the least. In fact, most people waffle back & forth between the stages for quite some time before arriving at the acceptance stage of the process. You may not be 'finished' grieving yet, but just stepping back from the acute pain phase into a more accepting phase of things, allowing yourself to enjoy what you were unable to enjoy for a long, long time. Don't put a schedule on yourself, or all sorts of unreasonable expectations, either. "Guilt" is an unreasonable emotion to put yourself through, so please don't do it! You've been through enough. Allow yourself some peace now, my friend.
My condolences on your loss
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Franklymydear Sep 2019
You make a lot of sense, lealonnie1! Especially “just stepping back from the acute pain phase into a more accepting phase...”
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You went thru ur grieving process before his passing.
Ur profile says u have 10 grands. Its time to stop being a Caregiver and enjoy your family now you can.

We all grieve differently.
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I loved AlvaDear"s response, it is exactly how I feel as well, you are handling your grief in your own way, just as we all do.

I am one of 6 kids who all equally put our love into helping our parents through their journey to their deaths, and we all have grieved completely differently from one another. A lot of time has now passed since they have been gone, but for some of us, we healed fairly quickly, and others struggled with their grieving. Grief is a very personal journey and every path is OK. What you do need to do is take Any Guilt out of the equation, you have nothing to feel guilty for, your feelings are very Normal, especially in losing a spouse who was ill for a very long time.

I'm glad you are feeling better, and can see that life can and will go on, that is a very healthy outlook! Remember how much you loved your Husband, and live on in your life happily, just as your Husband would have wanted you to. Enjoy your kids and grandchildren, you have many blessings to look forward to! Take Care!
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Sorry for your loss.  I understand the relief part.  And you sound normal to me in whatever timetable and depth you have.  My observation has been that having relatives visit or nearby, especially grandchildren, helps.  Hugs.
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You pre-grieved for years. There is no set timeline for grief, nor for any of the 'steps' of grief.

My DH has walked right up to the 'pearly gates' 6, yep, SIX times he was so sick or injured the docs told me he would not make it. I have planned his funeral 6 times. I have laid out clothes and written obituaries for him. I have cried and cried....it's been a HARD life with this guy. He blows off all these 'shoulda died' experiences as if they meant nothing to me. After all 'I' wasn't the one going through them.

He's not in great health, but for the things he loves, he can find interest and energy. Massively depressed which he takes out on being snarky to me to shut me down. (Works really well)

When he does go, and he will die before me, I often wonder how I really will feel. I have been alone far more than 75% of our married life--he travels a lot.

Part of me will no doubt TRULY grieve, but a lot of that will be grieving for the life we didn't share together. The life he didn't really want anyway. Truthfully, he should never have married. He's just not cut out for it.

I totally understand how you feel and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. I know I get feeling guilty, b/c my DH is so unhappy all the time. But again--it's HIS choice, not mine.
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Franklymydear Sep 2019
I feel for you, Midkid58! And I can truly relate to the part about him shutting you down. Have been there so often! You become so angry, and then so depressed. Those emotions are VERY HARD!
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In many cases the guilt you feel may be truly the RELIEF you have. You no longer have to worry or watch him decline. I know because I did it. Guilt so bad, but because of the burden being lifted I was so relieved it was over. I’ve had to explain to others that this may happen. It’s really not as confusing as it feels inside. Everyone handles grief differently and this gift you have may be the last thing your husband gave you, in essence. He wouldn’t want you to fall apart forever, he would want you to have a smile left to enjoy a bit of life. I’m just speaking by experience... the pain is over and you’re healing and you should know IT IS OK for you to ok. It may hit you again on birthdays, holidays, etc. and that too is ok. You are amazing and full of life so live it, certainly he’s looking upon you and content knowing your not falling apart but getting a little life lived and that’s a gift you give him. Blessings to you my dear!
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Franklymydear Sep 2019
Yes, PowerOf3, you hit the nail on the head there. I am very relieved. I was a hot mess for so long before he died, always stressed out, trying to find some peace and serenity, often in a bad mood and cranky when I was with him. And it seemed like the crankier I got, the more loving he became toward me!
On the other hand, he could be an ogre, a real ass when he lost his temper. But I had gotten to the point where I didn’t care about rising above and trying to be the bigger person anymore. I dished it right back. Told him he needed to treat me right if he expected me to stick around & take care of him. Because I was done putting up with his BS. I guess he finally believed me, because he really, really tried to do whatever he could for me after that. (I was amazed.)
He was a man of extremes in many ways. I always thought he was like the nursery rhyme:
“There was a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
she was very VERY good,
but when she was bad,
she was HORRID!”
That’s exactly how he was.
So I’m choosing to remember all the VERY GOOD times now. His bigger-than-life personality. We were opposites—he was the extroverted people person who made new friends immediately, wherever he went; I’m the introvert, cautious with new people, always trying to figure out relationships and emotions, needing a lot of quiet time. He made my life exciting, and I made him feel grounded and secure.
Anyway... thank you all for your helpful responses and for letting me share. Dealing with his physical absence is really a work in progress (and I guess it will continue to be for the rest of my time on earth). New revelations keep coming...
I hope he really is still with me like he promised. I hope he was secure in my love before he left, despite my bad moods. And if he wasn’t, I hope he knows now.
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You sound perfectly normal to me! and you’ve grieved during his decline and more obviously after he died. So I’m not surprised now he is out of pain, that you are now reflecting on how hard it was towards the end and are relieved that all the worry and stress has stopped.

Besides, he told you he’d still be with you, 😉 maybe that’s how he’s helping - by reminding you how hard it was for you both and easing any unwarranted “guilt” about how long you’re supposed to grieve.

Enjoy your freedom and the happy memories before his health declined- it sounds like you both had a great sense of humour.
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I believe I've written this on a previous thread, but I'm one who just accepts that old people die and don't really get emotional about it. I loved my father and took care of him as he was declining, but when his time came, I just worked it into my plans. He died on a Monday, and I decided to have the funeral on Saturday, partly because I had a business trip on Wednesday-Thursday, but also because the funeral was to be in another state (with many relatives in that state), so I figured the weekend would allow them all to come, which they did. I don't get excited about birthdays and especially holidays although I see birthdays and New Year's as "milestones" to reach. However, I miss my father when I think of something he would have enjoyed being told and then realize he isn't here to hear it.

I was in high school when my father's mother (i.e., my grandmother) died, and I belonged to a small band, so I went to a rehearsal we had planned for that night. Afterward, my father asked "how could you do that the day your grandmother died?" and it had never really occurred to me that I shouldn't. (My grandmother lived a state away so I only saw her a few times a year, and she spoke only very broken English.) Years later I mentioned this to my father, and he just said that he was upset about his mother's death and just assumed I would be, too.

A long time ago, I got into a conversation about grieving and mentioned that I just seem to take deaths in stride and move on, and someone said the world needs different kinds of people--someone who can function well after a death can do things that need to be done that the other people are too upset to do. That made sense to me, so I just accepted myself as I am in this regard. I also mentioned the incident about my grandmother's death, and I was told that because of the distance and a language barrier, it would have been difficult to get very attached emotionally.

I've told people that if I drop dead, they shouldn't cancel their plans that day--if they have a party planned that night, then they should just go ahead, have it, and enjoy it!
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Franklymydear Sep 2019
Jacobsonbob, you sound a lot like my sister. She’s very matter of fact about life, always logical and practical, and doesn’t get overly emotional about anything. She was my rock and my salvation right before and after my husband died. When I told her how sick he suddenly had become, she was on a plane within a couple hours to come help us out. She held everything together during the difficult last hours when I was so exhausted that I couldn’t think or function. I was SO THANKFUL for her calm strength! You are so right. We are all different, and it takes all kinds of people to make it in this world!
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I see that two things are happening.

The 1st one is that you have been grieving for years, you lost him in bits and pieces.

The 2nd is answered prayers. You asked for the ability to go on with out him. Praise The Lord that you are being granted grieving mercies and comfort during this time.

I don't think that you have any reason to feel guilty. When my grandma died, I didn't have any tears left, she disappeared 10 years prior and only her body was left. It was a relief that she was finally released from the prison her existence had become.

May you continue to find happiness and contentment in your life. Hugs!
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Franklymydear Sep 2019
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When Kubler-Ross wrote her research findings about the five stages of grief, it was about people coming to terms with a serious diagnosis of their own I'll health. It's been widely applied to other forms of grieving, but that's not what the research was about originally.
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I think it's wonderful that you are starting to see the opportunities and possibilities of your new life. I hope you don't feel guilty because there's nothing to feel guilty about. There's no timeline for grief. I don't think you're "suddenly" over it, because you've been grieving for a long time, even before the death occurred. Give yourself a pat on the back for moving forward.
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You are living your life.
Trust me you have not "stopped" grieving little things will hit you totally out of the blue. You will be listening to a song on the radio and all of a sudden you will be crying...been there done that. And the next time you hear it you will not have the same reaction.
You will be watching a TV show and all of a sudden you will start to cry...been there done that.
You are going to sit down to dinner one night ans start to cry...been there done that.
You will be out shopping and look at your watch and think I have to get home, the caregiver has to leave at 4..and remember there is no one.
You will walk in to the house and the silence will hit you.

I had 12 years with my Husband after he was diagnosed and the last 6 were complete care. I lost him bit by bit, day by day, year by year...
He was not the man I fell in love with. The man I fell in love with laughed, smiled not just with his mouth but his eyes smiled. The man with dementia no longer smiled, no longer laughed. He would not have wanted to be that shell that needed care. He had always been a giver not one to accept help so to be dependent on me or someone else would have been upsetting to him.
And he would not have wanted me to "give up" on life, he would want me to do the things that we had wanted to do.
I think there are 2 ways to deal with grief. (ok more than 2 but it boils down to this)
1. To live your life, go do the things that you know would have made him happy. Live your life to the fullest and honor him that way.
2. Go into a shell and pine a way and don't do the things that you wanted to do because he is not there to share them with you.
I think one is a more healthy way than the other.

And I want to thank you because during this I started to cry thinking about my Sweetheart and I miss him..(It will be 3 years next month so it does not stop).
One final thought...
Grief never ends
But it changes
It's a passage not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love.
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staceyb2 Sep 2019
Ssuch a Beautiful response, so touching and so spot on! We can only hope to have such lovely life story, even in the tragedy that is Dementia and illness. We all have so much to learn from you and to be thankful for!

Love to you FranklymyDear and Grandma, you are both Wonderwomen!!! ❤
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A couple of things came to mind: my husband of 41 years had had two earlier bouts with the lymphoma that didn't clear the last time; one of my memories is the time he was at work with me about 6 months before he passed, (we had our own business that we kept going; I took him to work every day because he did better around people than alone), and without any previous conversation, he said "God gives us a lot of choises, and this is not one of them." That's when realized that he was adjusting to the situation. After he was gone, for a while I got up every morning, looked in the bathroom mirror, and thought "He's not here, and there is NOTHING I can do to change that." And of course, there wasn't--except to be especially aware of others in a similar situation and be there; not necessarily doing anything except a hug, just being there.

After my father was gone, I missed him a lot (he had been in reasonably good health up to the few weeks; his doctor thought that what had been a slow-going prostate cancer had acted up). Several years later, I realized that he had really been missing my mom, who had passed about five years previously; I was the last kid at home and I got married that summer. One thing that had kept him going was concern for me, and he told my new brother-in-law "I've never met a man who I thought would take better care of her." I think when he knew we were all OK, he was ready to go be with Mom.
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IMHO, there will still be times when grief will strike you. It did me - at church when a particular hymn that my late mother liked - ACTUALLY she loved them ALL - I would start crying. I guess other parishoners must have looked at me as though I was crazy, but I didn't care. Prayers to you...
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Hi dear 'Frankly', it's awful to feel guilty for enjoying ur own life. Please know that u did nothing wrong, & have nothing to feel guilty about. (You're free to live better now, that's not a sin). It's normal that when a huge pressure is off, people feel better. (...maybe even great!) So refuse to dwell on thoughts that condemn you (for living), & take one day at a time. Very glad that you're doing those activities also, & keep it up🌈.
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We all grieve differently. Sounds like you did a lot of grieving beforehand. Being a care taker is tough, on the body & so gosh darn tiring. You didn't have much left, in the end, so you were really getting use to being a lone. After all, you were just about a lone. Now, you shed all that tiring things to do. You are relaxing & finding peace. You finally realized that you enjoy being in your own company & are free to do what you want to do , when you want to do it. You are healing from it all, so feel gratefulness & be happy he is in a better place. Nothing to be uptight about. It's a normal faze of grieving called acceptance!!
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Powerof3, what a beautiful and uplifting response, you brightened my day and also I'm sure to the OP! I Love your outlook on life and grieving. It is now time for her to life her best life, just as her husband would have wanted her to. Just beautiful!
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PowerOf3 Sep 2019
Thank you, I’m glad you embraced it. That’s nice knowing it was helpful to you <3
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If it helps, my husband started dating me four months after his wife passed away. But she had been sick for five years and had been saying goodbye for most of that time. His wife told him that she wanted him to wait three months after her passing and then to start dating. She was only 40 when she died, but I know he had been emptying her commode when she was too sick to go upstairs to the bathroom, and she took up residence downstairs in the living room. He was working full-time then, too.
He said he never cried over her death, and I think he felt bad about that. But I’ve never seen him really cry about anything. He’s had a hard life so maybe that’s part of it.
Anyway, guilt is not your friend. When the feeling hits, just let it pass through you til it dissipates.If it’s interfering with the rest of your functioning, you may want to see a therapist for a little while.
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
So true, thanks DizzyB for that 👍great share.
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As much as I really wish it weren’t the case, my spouse and I have been subjected to a fairly large number of losses over the past several years, and we have both noticed that each of us grieve differently and independently, have no real explanation for why this happens, typically relatively few comparable reactions to losses, and no timetables for the length of time for being able to reconcile the losses.

Let go of the guilt. You did right by your spouse and you are entitled to any way of thinking that focuses on a comfortable way of thinking about his life and his loss.

I lost my mother 7 years before my aunt, one of her sisters, died, and the loss of my aunt was much more troubling to me than my mother’s loss, although the circumstances were somewhat similar. I also had more guilt regarding my aunt’s death, partly because my mother’s life in residential care was much happier than her life had been when she was at home.

Still, I questioned my own feelings about those two losses, and still wonder about that.
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
So sorry for all the loss you've suffered.
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My cousin helped me with this situation. When my parents passed two years apart, I had watched their suffering and helped them and my Mom was pitiful. When she passed, I cried hard once. After that, I was astonished that I was not more upset and it bothered me until my cousin told me I had cried leaving the nursing facility for years and grieved her while she was alive and suffering. It was a relief for my mother when she passed on to be with the Lord. It was as if she went into His arms and was okay now. I loved my parents but I was broken-hearted seeing them suffer. I hope this helps. It helped me understand what was happening to me after each of them passed. I had good parents. I miss them. But, they are better off in heaven.
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
Awesome! praise God folks can hav peace at death, bcuz our sin debt paid by Christ😳
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I believe you did a lot of pre-grieving as he became sicker & sicker - this is what I believe to be a normal coping process as the inevidible end comes after a long illness - the human mind adjusts to new circumstances as they come up & you have now adjusted to your new reality/norm -

Due to the pre-mourning you did [probably much unconciensiously] now you are emerging for a time of heavy mourning to a time of adjustment .... maybe hubby is giving you this as a thank you for all your devotion when he was alive - if you can believe this then go with it enjoy because you probably really deserve it - so drop the guilt & start to live the rest of your life the way you want
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