Family and friends back off after putting mom in the nursing home. How do you deal with it all?
I don't know where to begin. You'd think that I'd be happy, but no, I'm at a loss for words.... I came to the conclusion that mom needs to stay in the nursing home. Well, people in the family, family friends, people I've known my whole life, telling me that if you ever needed anything to give them a call. Well after mom went back into the nursing home, I started to reach out to people in the family, family friends. At first they sounded concerned but after the first phone call, slowly, they all backed away from me . The very people telling me and mom, " if you ever need anything, to give us a call." Like really?
Seems like the only people that seem concerned about mom and me, are at the nursing home. Told high school friends, well now that everything is getting finalized, they're looking at me going, "why are you so upset, your mom gets the care she needs, you get what you want." Like really??? I took care of mom for 7-10 years, lived with her my whole life, that's all I know, is me and mom. I know it sounds pathetic, but its just a lot to take in and handle for one person...
Yes I'm glad that mom is safe, but I feel all alone in all this, in how to handle all this crap, I've never been on my own before. Pathetic... since I'm 27. With all the family drama from years ago, money, crap, mom leaving everything to me, her telling everyone in the family years ago, now, guess what, looking back, that basically causes almost all of them to not want to help me. I never thought I'd have to put mom in a nursing home. I feel so guilty, horrible. I know I tried my best to care for mom all by myself. It's just alot. Then at the nursing home, getting everything finalized, they're all looking at me, going, "you can make it without your mom... " ect. Really??? It's going to take me a while to adjust to life without her, without taking care of her 24/7, that's all I know. It's almost like no one gives you time to really process it all, of what's happening. Like you have to step back, and give yourself time to process it all. I'm realizing how alone I really am now. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Some friends telling me to take her home, others saying to leave her in there, others making the comment, "well she's your mom." What does her being my mom have to do with it? The fact is, I physically, emotionally, mentally can't take care of mom all on my own, 24/7 anymore... I'm just in shock! People that I thought would be there for me or mom, are disappearing faster then I could ever imagine. Yes I know I'm 27, an adult, but I don't know hardly anyone my AGE that is going through any of this! I feel lost! I never prayed to GOD, but lately I feel like I don't have a choice. If there's anyone that has gone through putting there loved one in a nursing home, how do you cope, grieve, how do you deal with it all... ? Thanks for listening...
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sorry for your difficult situation at such a young age - while you are certainly an adult at 27, most of us do not go through elder care until we're middle aged ourselves
I was hoping to see more information in your profile but it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling to talk through your emotions - perhaps the social worker at the NH could make a suggestion for a caregiver support group
I can tell you that it is not unusual for family to run and hide when someone is placed in a facility - to the outsider, the problem is solved - it also takes a special person to cope with being a caregiver, so give yourself a break - adjustments take time and it is not easy
keep posting here, you will find support and guidance
Give yourself some time to process all that you have been through. Take one day at a time. Find a therapist to help you to take steps in making a new life for yourself. You are young and this is your chance to make a new beginning. I know it is going to be hard and strange. And stop feeling guilty because you did nothing wrong! You made the right decision--for your mom and for you!
Give yourself a break!
Hugs!!
Your whole world has revolved around your mom and her needs, everything familiar has been pulled out from under you and you need to find your footing. Change is scary, especially change that is forced upon you and that you feel ambivalent about. You WILL find a new normal, but it takes time. ((hugs))
You are too young to give up these years. Your dedication to your mother is admirable but you need and deserve your own life. It's too bad that people don't keep their word when they say "call me whenever you need me," but sadly most of them don't. Do what you can by visiting your mom, maybe take her for an outing or an overnight occasionally, and running some errands she may need, but don't forget to have a life of your own. It's normal to feel some guilt when you give up care of a loved one, but you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You'll still have contact with her and it's up to you to determine how much, but if she has problems that will progress, it's really better to have medical caregivers watching over her.
I am 66 and have lived with my mom the last twelve years. Prior to that I at least spoke to her on the phone every single day of my life.
I have often thought that the reason we seem to lose a little bit of them due to old age is to prepare us for the big loss that will come but it’s not really.
I dont know what I will do when I won’t have her to talk to everyday. (Even though she never has any answers for me anymore.) I have isolated myself with her and I’m used to not having anyone around to help but what will that be like when I don’t have her?
I don’t have anywhere to go when I get up everyday but that statement will be so heavy when I don’t have the purpose of taking care of her anymore.
And won’t It be weird to only have to manage one life at a time? My own life doesn’t require half the focus I put into managing hers.
I feel your pain. I think we have to rethink our lives when the time comes. Allow yourself to grieve some but remember you are still taking care of her. It’s just a different position now.
Now’s the time to ease into a new life while you are still taking care of her but now with evenings off!
Good luck. Don’t let it ruin the rest of your life. Accept the pain but don’t let it take over.
Charlotte
Sad! Very sad!
I don't feel it's my place to call and badger people to care about her. It's sad because they're too busy or whatever to care about her - I don't know what to think of them other than they love to show up at the hospital and talk big and then when it comes down to the reality of the long-run their daily lives take over and they forget and move on to the next one who's in the hospital or whatever ... it's disappointing...these are her friends from church who've made these big statements about being there for her...and in the end I'm the only one who is there for her...sad to say.. I work full time myself, I'm 66 and I'm not there enough either...at least from her perspective. I think our society as a whole is not very caring about our elderly and would prefer to forget about them. Add that to the fact of her dementia and often times she can be rude - I know I was there once when a lady from church called around noon - and when she was picking up the phone (so I'm sure the lady heard her) she says ' WHY do people call right at lunchtime?' - I think I too would not call again if I heard someone say that! So they don't give much credence to her mental status and perhaps take it personally? I don't know...but I do know that this particular individual hasn't had much time for mom since that incident - of course mom doesn't remember it at all...and wonders why she doesn't hear from her friend...I tried to explain that she needs to call them...and I get a lot of excuses about how they're busy, sick, etc. She doesn't like to take the initiative to reach out to others...
Oh well...I know this doesn't help you...all I can say is try to make your own friends...take a break from caregiving, join some groups, find an interest...
Best to you!
So no matter what age you are--and I'm nearly 60--those feelings you have will continue to be there. You made the right decision putting her in a nursing home and try to forge your own life. I sacrificed my life for my mom -- literally -- so don't fall in this same trap.
Still you need to visit her often and inspect her skin.
You are dealing with a major change in your life - caring for your mom 24/7 is stressful, so is the decision to move her into a residential facility, and so is adjusting to your "new" life". In a sense, you are experiencing grief and loss - for a way of life. Feel free to check out Griefshare - a faith-based support group for folks dealing with loss of a loved one - that is found in many places of worship.. No, mom is not dead, but the loss is real. You need caring folks that can identify, listen, and share their coping strategies. Spending time with a counsellor one-on-one is also a good idea. He/she can help you look at your new life situation and figure out ways to cope... even thrive!
People you know are probably at a loss of knowing how to help you. Figure out what you need from your friends and family - be specific with them: visit mom once a month on _____ date, help you sort through stuff in the home on ______ date, go out for a meal on ______, etc. They may be more able to handle those tasks. My girls are 27 and 29 and would find what you are doing monumental. Be proud of yourself, but find caring people to call friends.
Own Mother, Rest in peace. I feel guilty because You are so young where as I was 57 years when My Mom died, and I found Family and Friends drifted away to continue on living their own Lives and showed very little concern for Mom or me. We have a very old saying Here in Ireland "WHEN YOUR BACK IS TO THE WALL" It is only then Youl know Who Your true Friends really are. It was only when I found this fabulous Site, Aging Care.com that I discovered my true
Friends, wonderful kind caring People Who advised me, and
taught me so much as I had no training or skills in Caring for my Mom Who was diagnosed with alzheimer's in 2003 hence I volunteered to Care for My Mother at home in Moms Home where We Lived together all of my Life since I am not Married. I continued Caring for my Mom at Home to the End which was June 2006, thanks to all of the Care givers on this wonderful Site. Never hesitate for one moment in contacting fellow Carers on Aging Care . Com when ever You need to ask a question or several questions or if You need to blow off steam and vent this is where You will discover Your true Friends, People Who have walked this path and Who really do Care.
Putting your mother in a nursing home is the best thing for her and you both, it will give you a chance to start living your life, just as it should be for a young person.
I suggest that you start making a plan as to what your next step is, get out make new friends, a job, start living, each step that you take in the right direction will help you to improve your mental health. Make the past years a guidepost, not a hitching post...life is a song worth singing....sing it! Hugs!
We find out at these very tough emotional times, who our real friends are -and aren’t. Like in your situation, I found out the people who I expected to be there just weren’t. It is painfully disappointing, but if you look for the silver lining, you will see some people who you didn’t expect will be there.
Savor every moment with your parent. She was there for you, and you for her, and as life has it, she cannot possibly be there forever. Make every moment count.
When you are not with her, take kind loving care of yourself. Don’t turn to liquor or food for comfort. Don’t overspend. These “vices” will compound your problems later. Join a gym, take a walk in nature, enjoy a great film.
You are not alone. There are legions of us who have walked in these same shoes.
This is normal. Everyone says, "call me if you need me." - but really? They don't want you to call, especially if you're asking for help. I've had a lot of people say it to me since my DH passed last year and I just got into the habit of saying, "thank you, I appreciate your offer to help. I'll let you know."
And as long as I never seem to need help - people keep asking and offering.
27 is an adult, but looking at it from 67, you're actually still extremely young and you're right - people are "abandoning" you when you are in need. God is not a last resort, God was my first line of defense while I was seeking guidance to take care of my 96 yr old DH.
And, the people you're needing right now? They're probably in your age group and they don't know what to do or say - so they disappear. Try to start asking for hugs from people - that they can do, and hugs do help.
Image your life as a boat that the anchor has suddenly been lost so is now adrift so you need to do something to stop from going up on some rocks so you might have to start an engine, put out a sea anchor, put up a sail .... all possible solutions but only you can pick but you need advice/education on how to do all these things
Remember you are doing this next step for yourself for the most part but somewhat for your mom so that you can cope with her next phases in the best way for you both - good luck
i would also suggest that you stop by have a dinner with her. Then watch the staff shower and get her ready for bed. Maybe watch some TV until she falls asleep ..... Or yes if she’s able take her out to a lunch or a movie . Or do a combination of all these things
You can still have your mother/daughter relationship that does not have to end . .And your presence will alert the staff that you are making sure moms taken care of.
You know, it was easy ENOUGH for everyone to offer help when you didn't take them up on it, when you were too busy, when they could just say their easy platitude and feel good about themselves. But NOW you have the nerve to actually need their help, and to need someone to talk to.
My recommend is that you get that SOMEONE TO TALK TO and have it be a professional. Licensed Social workers skilled in counseling on life change are often stellar at this helping you comb out your new life.
You are helpless as a newborn, hon. Look on it as a rebirth. As learning how to negotiate a whole new world. It may not BE the old friends. You may need new friends now who don't know the "old you". It may be some few of each.
Please do express a bit of what you have told US with your old friends. Say "You always said if I/we need you to tell you. I do need you. I need to just talk with a friend. Please let me know when you can give me an hour for lunch, let me MAKE you lunch, let me vent. I am confused, and need your wise counsel.
And again, please give yourself a good amount of time. You are a newborn. It will take time. It will for you and for Mom both. It won't be easy. There is an old Simon Says game in which you take as many steps back or forward as the caller tells you. You usually make slow progress forward, but not without some back steps. That's life.
Good luck. The absolute best of luck. You have DONE HARD. You know how to do hard. You will learn new things, new ways of being. That will all be, in the long run, to your benefit. You have been places most 27 years olds today cannot even begin to imagine. You have much to contribute to our world. Give yourself time. Be gentle with others and with yourself.
Do you work? Go to school? Are you able to support yourself? You are a lot younger than most of us on this forum. Your life and future are ahead. Think about things you would like to be doing now that care taking does not take up every hour of every day. Some of those ideas might give you focus on how to go on. You include your mother by visiting her, but she Does not have to be the ONLY thing you do.
It's just me and my mom, and it is like I told everyone my mother had the Plague the way the "family" left afterwards. I TOTALLY get what you are saying. I've been doing it for 3 1/2 years. It is hard.
youll be fine - it’s a life changing routine for you now - seek out some therapy if you’re lost- people go thru change all the time! That is all life really is
There are always people who will disagree with your choice to put a person in a NH. That's OK. They're entitled to their opinion. Allow them that. Do not let it bother you. You made the best choice you could and take a deep breath and let their negativity go in one ear and out the other.
Since you have been caring for your mom so long, perhaps your relationships were pretty neglected. Most caregivers don't have much time to do things with their friends and family. It might take time and effort to build and rebuild relationships. Be patient, stick with it, and you will find the right people to be part of your world.
You're going to have to find a new life for yourself. A job, friends, maybe a SO?? It's going to take some time. Be patient with yourself and the rest of the world as you adjust to all the newness.
I would also like to suggest that you do not put too much time into your mom at the NH. They are there to care for her and you are now a part-time supportive family member, not the main caregiver. Visit, keep an eye on things, but live your life too.
Get a counselor who can walk you through it. Your peers have forgotten what they went through, so now are unable to help you. The good news is, this will be easy with skillful guidance.